How do I stop spanking?

[CTH3989]

My DS is 21 months old and he does not like to listen at all but what toddler does? If I tell him to do/or not to do something, he hits me. I have tried not spanking him because everyone knows that toddler repeat what they see you do but it doesn't work. Spanking him gets his attention for 2.5 seconds and then he's doing what he's not supposed to again.

How do I gently discipline my son and get him to listen? Thanks.

Chelci

[PassionateWriter]

so you are spanking him to get 2.5 seconds of attention? spanking does not work. period. the way to stop is to stop hitting him. take control of YOU before you expect a toddler (not even 2 years old) to control his own behavior.

there are lots of resources in the stickies here but first you have to stop hitting your son.

[frontierpsych]

I agree with PassionateWriter. I hope you don't think it sounds harsh or judgmental, as I know that is what a lot of people fear when asking these type of questions. For ideas on how else to discipline him, just browse the boards, I'm sure you will find something that works for you. But to stop hitting him, you have to take responsibility for your actions and feelings, and remind yourself that you are an adult, and that you are capable of controlling your actions. It seems a lot of parents who spank feel that they have no other option. Think about what spanking teaches your child vs. what you want him to learn. Instead of focusing on stopping the behavior, think of why the behavior is taking place, and try to remedy the situation from that angle. Think "What is he feeling that is making him do this? What do I need from others when I am feeling that way?" It's not about finding an alternate form of discipline, but rather altering your own understanding of the situation and your child's feelings.

Hope that helps!

[Treasuremapper]

1. You have to give yourself room to admit that you have made a mistake in the past. Forgive yourself, and then move forward.

2. Just stop, and have a plan for what you will do when the urge comes up to spank. Make a commitment to yourself, right now, that not spanking is way more important to you than getting your child to do something you want him to do.

3. With those two steps in place, you can start to learn about getting cooperation in other ways. But at the beginning -- you may have to do some "detox" and take a few steps back.

I believe you can change your own behavior. Once you have changed your own behavior, your child's behavior will change. The stickies are a great starting place.

Good luck. Forgive yourself for being wrong in the past, so that you can embrace a new future.

[my_baby_love]

With our DS (who is almost exactly the same age - I think we were in the same DDC!) we just have to repeat everything. Over and over and over. It seems like he isn't getting it and then all of a sudden it's like it just clicks for him. We usually model the proper behavior, while briefly explaining to him the appropriate behavior. For example, he loves to play outside, but is constantly in the street. When cars come through the neighborhood I tell him, "We need to be very careful around cars and not be in their way. That is why we need to be on the sidewalk. Cars can make bad ouchies." I say all this while I am leading or carrying him back to the sidewalk. I did this so many times this summer and then the other day he saw a car coming down the street and went and sat on the sidewalk. I was completely shocked, but it felt good to see it make sense for him. After he did that, I recognized his behavior with something along the lines of, "Mama saw that you moved out of the way of that car. I really appreciate that. I like that you sat on the sidewalk. Thank you." And followed it up with a hug and a kiss. It takes more time to be calm and choose not to spank, but I believe that in the long run it will pay off with a child who knows what you expect and can act appropriately, instead of acting out of fear of getting spanked. Good luck, and good for you for being willing to change what you are doing.

[Kessed]

"How do I stop spanking"

Just don't do it!

Do you hit your boss? How about your friends? You have the self control not to hit people - just extend that to your child.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

I have not found spanking to be effective; however, I *definitely* still wanted to feel that I was doing something to address my daughter's undesirable behaviors. We have a pak-and-play set up for "time-out" and she goes into it after one warning (or immediately for a repeat offense). We always talk about what she has done a little bit before and more extensively afterwards. For her, <1 minute is effective. It seems to be working on curbing her constant desire to play in the dog's food
This is as close as I can come to a "natural" or "logical" consequence to her actions-- she's being separated from the temptation.

[janasmama]

It's sometimes hard to break habits that we have developed or to stop the cycle of what we have learned. I'm glad that you want to stop spanking...that's the first step towards not doing it anymore.

2.5 is also such a hard age to get attention b/c their attention span really is only 3 seconds sometimes. I think redirecting them and/or finding a different approach to how we talk to them during certain situations can make a difference. (If you have certain situations that seem difficult for you, ask about those so we can give more detailed ways of how we have all dealt with those without spanking.)

We all grew up differently and sometimes the way we grew up affects the way we parent our own children...I have experienced this in the negative aspect with spanking being involved. For me, if I feel like I want to spank or say something out of anger, I do put my children in their room, even if it makes them cry. Sometimes I just need that moment to think about what I can about the situation.

I've even gone as far as to tell my dd that mommy doesn't know what I'm going to do about this right now so you sit in your room for 2 minutes and I'll come back and let you know.

You can also check out this accountability thread and give yourself the opportunity to become a new mama.

We're here to help you with this so browse around because you aren't the first mama here who has spanked and developed the desire to stop.

[odenata]

First, ask yourself why do you keep spanking if it isn't (by your own admission) working? Are you angry? Frustrated? Maybe you need to give yourself a few seconds to calm down and focus and then react. Remind yourself in your head that spanking doesn't work, and don't do it. Really, that's how you stop.

Toddlers can be very frustrating because they don't really have the ability to control their impulses. They need to be re-directed over and over again, but they will grow and learn. Hitting is also normal, while frustrating. I think it helps to remember that a toddler is not trying to anger you on purpose - they are trying to figure things out, and they have limited ways to express themselves.

I think it might be helpful for you to read a little on child development so that you know what is reasonable to expect - expecting a toddler to listen and obey isn't really age appropriate. Then come up with 2 or 3 ideas of things you will do instead of spanking. Redirection, for one. Removing them from the situation, for another. For hitting at that age, we would simply say, "I don't like to be hit," and then put her down so she couldn't hit us anymore. Yes, we had to do it over and over again for a little while. And yes, she did eventually get it and quit. Toddlers need repetition to learn.

[momma_unlimited]

I am going spanking free. Weird but it is kinds hard because it becomes a habit and a resort. So, when my son started hitting me I had to first make sure to really calm down. There is no way you can help someone gain self control when you are emotional, especially not a "sponge" of a little one. Then I take his hand and say, show me how we use our hands on mommy" and I've helped him learn he can pat, massage, rub, and touch gently. Let me tell you, I think *I* am getting more discipline than my kids right now- learning to be objective in teaching them how to act is a huge act of self control!

One thing I've been doing is keeping lists of what time of day and what was going on to create more harmonious day flows to reduce situations that cause bad behaviour.. and doing a meditation at the end of the day where I reflect backwards through the day starting from the current moment to when I woke up, watching myself as though I were a bystander- not being judgemental, but objective. I end up having a lot more compassion for myself and my kids.

[janasmama]

Oh yes, and when one of my children hits, I always tell them that hand are for playing and helping.

Repetition equals Retention.

[swampangel]

I agree with the pp's.

But I wanted to acknowledge that you have a tiny new baby and a toddler. That is incredibly hard on any mama. So I would accept the fact that right now you have two children who need a lot from you. Your infant has obvious needs and your toddler needs you to watch him, redirect him and repeat over and over what is ok to do and what is not ok. A toddler not listening is perfect normal and common. I would rid that expectation that he listen...it's not going to happen right away. And the more you listen to him and engage with him, the more likely he will reciprocate in the future.

I agree with everyone, the first step is to just stop hitting him. If he doesn't listen or does something infuriating, remind yourself that this is normal and breathe. You don't always have to respond right away. Create situations where you don't have to correct his behavior too much...stay in an enclosed area, go to playparks designed for toddlers, etc.

There is SO much information on this board for you. I would start looking through it when you have time and aren't too exhausted. You are catching this before it becomes a real problem for your family and that is great.

Good luck with it...parenting is really hard.

[CTH3989]

Thank you for all of your advice, even if some of it was hard to read.

[swampangel]

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

Let me tell you, I think *I* am getting more discipline than my kids right now- learning to be objective in teaching them how to act is a huge act of self control!

I'm in the same boat. I tend to yell when I get angry these days and it's really unsettling for my 5yo. There's part of me that feels I'm entitled to let off steam but I know that's my own justification for my much-less-than-ideal response. So I totally get how this is more about my own discipline. I want to model anger but one has to be calm to do it effectively, I think. This is definitely something I struggle with philosophically. But that's for another thread!

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

One thing I've been doing is keeping lists of what time of day and what was going on to create more harmonious day flows to reduce situations that cause bad behaviour.. and doing a meditation at the end of the day where I reflect backwards through the day starting from the current moment to when I woke up, watching myself as though I were a bystander- not being judgemental, but objective. I end up having a lot more compassion for myself and my kids.

I love this! I'm going to do it, too. And I love the meditation at the end of the day. Is there a reason why you start at the end and work your way back? I'm gonna steal this one from you!

[momma_unlimited]

It's called the Ruckshau meditation, developed by philosopher extraordinaire Rudolph Steiner... Dr. Thomas Cowan explains it in his book "The Fourfold Path To Healing" as a means for "strengthening our capacity for thinking objectively" & experienceing "our emotions without becoming a slave to fears, anxieties, passing feelings, and conditioned responses". Who doesn't need that? The first time I tried it I was so blown away with how I could envision myself as if I was standing there, an "innocent bystander" to my own joys and frustrations, and without all the emotion it is so much easier to problem solve how things could have unfolded differently, and yet I saw myself and my kids as very human and normal and well-intentioned, so I have all this compassion well up inside. Then I say my prayers and drift off to sleep with many things feeling resolved and plans for a better tomorrow!

[MrsAprilMay]

I took a child abuse prevention class when I worked in child care. There was a discussion about breaking the habit of spanking, since it's usually not just the parent's habit but also their parents' habit and so on. They recommended wearing a brightly colored bracelet on the hand used to hit so that when the parent raised it they would see the bracelet and remember to try something else. Someone else recommended clapping both hands together when one was raised to hit. Then the parent gets to use the motion of spanking without hitting the child. Both of those methods were meant to be transitional while the parent adjusts to a new way of guiding their child. When you are raised in a home where hitting is ok it is hard to break out of that cycle. (ever heard of the cycle of abuse? same idea)

Kudos to you for being brave enough to admit that your behavior isn't what you want for your child and trying to find ways to change it.

[swampangel]

Originally Posted by CTH3989

Thank you for all of your advice, even if some of it was hard to read.

I hope it didn't leave you feeling worse. You are human and this role of parenting is new to all of us...it unfolds and we learn as it goes along. There's just no way to prepare for all that will arise before you find yourself in this situation.

Are you getting enough sleep? I know when my babies were that little, I barely survived the sleep deprivation that occurred. I wonder if that's a contributor? Can you get help? Are you alone all day with your kiddos? I would try to make sure you are in the company of other adults for at least some part of everyday if you can. Or have an outing so that you can get a change of scene.

Like another pp said, if there is a particular instance that is problematic with your toddler maybe sharing it hear will generate some alternatives to managing it.

[janasmama]

Originally Posted by MrsAprilMay

Someone else recommended clapping both hands together when one was raised to hit. Then the parent gets to use the motion of spanking without hitting the child.

That's, funny...I do this clapping motion. No one ever told me about it, it just sort of happened. I find that it gets their attention too.

[Surfacing]

I don't spank but I yell unfortunately. And grab. Not good. I like the advice given here. : Forever trying to improve, day after day after day. Progress not perfection.

[Treasuremapper]

Good catch about OP having a toddler and a baby. That can be very challenging! My children are 22 months apart and it was a major challenge for me to keep my temper with my older daughter.

You can do this!