How do I stop spanking? - Page 2

[amis2girls]

Originally Posted by CTH3989

My DS is 21 months old and he does not like to listen at all but what toddler does? If I tell him to do/or not to do something, he hits me.

Reword your request to what he *can* do. This can be really hard in the heat of the moment.

"Don't jump on the couch" becomes "jump in this pile of pillows on the floor" or "let's go outside and jump in the puddles." That's really hard when you want to scream, but it gets easier the more you do it.

My 2.5 yo gets a light in her eyes when I give her the power to go do something.

[Kessed]

I wanted to add a second response.

It may be counter intuitive - but what I've found the most helpful in overcoming urges to smack my DD (who is 21 months) is this: What would I do it she wasn't my child.

I've done alot of childcare in my life - from being a fully booked babysitter in highschool (almost always both Friday and Saturday night) to watching my sister's kids on a regular basis, to running a dayhome this summer. And - spanking has NEVER been an option.

So - when I am overwhelmed I ask myself "what would I do if this was a babysitting kid"...

Often the answer is almost always to remove my emotional investment from the situation. She won't let me put her clothes on? (Big thing a month or so back) OK. That doesn't really affect me. It's her body. Does it matter if she sits in the carseat in a diaper? Not really. So I stop being invested in making it happen my way.

The other answer is to 'babyproof' more... We have cats. I very quickly realized that I could either spend many many month fighting with her about leaving their food/water alone - or I could put it our of reach. We have a small home - so there wasn't a good place for the food. So I had to give up a corner of our buffet. Does it suck? Yes. I wish I didn't have to wipe up the food crumbs every day. I wish the cats didn't have permission to be on that piece of furniture. But - it's worth it because then I don't have to worry.

I guess - we would all be horrified if a post read "My child's nanny/daycare provider spanked my kid today!". Because we accept that it is completely inappropriate for someone else to spank our children. Are we really holding them to a higher standard? Or should we just hold ourselves to the same standard?

[CTH3989]

Thanks everyone. Really I don't spank very much. I yell or grab him more than anything. What irks my nerves is that he will be 2 feet away from me and completely ignore anything that I'm saying. He won't even turn to look at me sometimes. Or even when I know he's going to hurt himself and he doesn't listen when I tell him not to do it.

[janasmama]

Originally Posted by CTH3989

Thanks everyone. Really I don't spank very much. I yell or grab him more than anything. What irks my nerves is that he will be 2 feet away from me and completely ignore anything that I'm saying. He won't even turn to look at me sometimes. Or even when I know he's going to hurt himself and he doesn't listen when I tell him not to do it.

I hear you on this...it's very frustrating...But it's probaby not going to stop anytime soon either. My dd is 4 and she still does this, not as frequently though.

It was really frustrating when I was still nursing ds as I am a 'sit down and nurse' kind of mama and I would try to get her attention without physically getting up. That definitely didn't work.

What I did find that worked was setting her up with something to do at the table like play-doh or coloring.

I wonder too if your ds is sort of acting up b/c of the baby. Sometimes this doesn't happen until the baby starts crawling, etc. He may need some more reassurance and cuddle time since he was use to being the only one and this is still new for him.

[Herausgeber]

Originally Posted by MaterPrimaePuellae

I have not found spanking to be effective; however, I *definitely* still wanted to feel that I was doing something to address my daughter's undesirable behaviors. We have a pak-and-play set up for "time-out" and she goes into it after one warning (or immediately for a repeat offense). We always talk about what she has done a little bit before and more extensively afterwards. For her, <1 minute is effective. It seems to be working on curbing her constant desire to play in the dog's food
This is as close as I can come to a "natural" or "logical" consequence to her actions-- she's being separated from the temptation.

My DD likes to play with the dog's food, too. I just take it away from her and give her something else to play with.

[CTH3989]

DS has always been like this. He actually hasn't been acting any differently because of the baby. He is a very good child. He's just very headstrong like me and has a temper, again, like me.

[PassionateWriter]

Originally Posted by Herausgeber

My DD likes to play with the dog's food, too. I just take it away from her and give her something else to play with.

all babies/toddlers love pet foods. i think its our responsibility to keep it out of her way and redirect, like Herausgeber stated. I found putting the pet foods and water on a separate butcher block until kids can understand not to eat it is most effective. I had originally put a curtain around the island and put the food down there but he figured out what was behind the curtain! lol!

[GooeyRN]

I have two little ones, too. I have never spanked, but do fight the urge a lot. I try to remind myself she is young and still learning how to act appropriately and safely. I treat her the same as I treat adults. I do not yell at or hit my husband or other adults, I talk to them about their behaviors if necessary.

[KnitLady]

I've been thinking a lot about this thread, but I don't think I ever responded.

Here are a few things that help me.

My mantra is "I am 30, he is 2." What that helps me remember is that I am the responsible one, I am the adult, I've lived (comparatively) a long time, I'm educated and with all those advantages I must be able to figure out some solution.

I also try to mentally step back and put a more positive spin on what he is doing. If he is crying and having a fit that seems really unreasonable to me, I try to step back and think, "Is he tired, hungry, teething, over-stimulated, going through something, etc." and "How can I help him through this moment?"

When he is pitching a fit or refusing to do/not do something I try to move to a place where I feel more pity for him than anger at him. Pity in that something is obviously not right in his world and is causing him to do things I don't like.

If I'm truly feeling very angry and feel like I might do something I would regret I will close myself in a closet for a minute or two to take a few deep breaths. My DS hates this and it's hard on him, so I use it VERY sparingly and only as a last resort to keep myself under control.

I really like Naomi Aldort's book, "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves". I also found "Connection Parenting" to be helpful.

Many hugs, mama!

[textbookcase]

Everyone else has great suggestions, I just wanted to say good luck. You can do it, mama!

[CTH3989]

Since I started this post I have only spanked once and it was a quick swat. I did it before I thought about it. For the past 2 days I have been speaking in a calm voice. If he hits I ask him what he is supposed to use his hands for. Then I tell him hands are for hugging not hitting and then I smother him with hugs. It's really working. Now when I ask he hugs me.

[janasmama]

I'm so glad there has been progress. : Did you catch that tidbit about clapping when you want to or think you should spank? It kind of seems like a natural thing to get there attention also.

[CTH3989]

I did but I haven't tried it yet. I just remind myself that I don't want to spank him.

[ricemom3]

I just wanted to say :

sounds like you are making progress, and with the sleep deprivation that goes with having a new baby, that is awesome. Many of us were raised with spanking being ok, then when we have our own kids, it doesn't "feel" right, but its what we were taught. I will admit, I spanked my older kids a few times. Afterwards, I would cuddle with them and cry, because it didn't seem right. I quit doing it, although it was hard, because I just couldn't handle the emotional termoil anymore. It was difficult to do because I had to find some other way to teach them that what they were doing was not acceptable behavior. At that time, there weren't many tools in my parenting toolbox.

Keep up the good work.

[CTH3989]

Thanks!

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Thanks for this thread

I really needed to read all of this today. I have been yelling at DS more often than I care to admit lately. It's HARD with two!

I often find myself fighting the urge to spank. I'm going to start using that clapping technique. I think it'll get his attention without yelling, and it'll also channel my urge to spank.

CTH3989 -- , mama. It's just hard sometimes. Thank you so much for posting this thread! And I'm so glad things are going better the last few days!

[brooklyngirl]

Just couldn't stay away from this one...

I've recently spent time with a child that gets spanked. What struck me as so unusual is that I would speak to him and try to redirect some behaviors and he would completely ignore me. It was like I wasn't in the same room.

I finally asked him to sit down and I explained that I was afraid that I was either going to lose him or he was going to get hurt (I was on an outing with him.) I had to explain that I was not going to hit him but that I really needed him to cooperate with me. He was kind of stunned.

I believe spanking has made this child worse behaved. Why listen if you think the only time interaction with an adults matters is if you are about to get hit?

Having said that I know there are times that I have been tempted because it is what I was taught as a child. But I want my relationship to be different with my child. It also doesn't make sense if you think about it rationally.

The last time I was tempted was when my 9 year old pushed my 4 year old down on to the pavement and the 4 year old almost cracked his head open. As I stood in front of my 9 year old, with steam coming out of my ears, it dawned on me how ridiculous it would be to hit my son to teach him NOT to hit my other son. At the moment any blow coming from me would have only been an outlet for my own frustration and anger.

I also go through an examination of conscience ever night and I look over how I lived that day. I don't want to live with violence, there is too much of it in the world already. If you are asking these questions you probably feel the same way.

[ilovebabies]

Originally Posted by CTH3989

Thanks everyone. Really I don't spank very much. I yell or grab him more than anything. What irks my nerves is that he will be 2 feet away from me and completely ignore anything that I'm saying. He won't even turn to look at me sometimes. Or even when I know he's going to hurt himself and he doesn't listen when I tell him not to do it.

I don't continue to repeat myself to my toddler who has her back turned to me or is engrossed in something else. I move to the front of her and get on her level and tell her to look me in the eyes. I then tell her whatever I need to tell her and make sure she understands. Continuing to try to get their attention and yelling and getting upset when they don't respond is so incredibly frustrating. Toddlers have a one track mind! Now of course it's not *always* possible to get up and do that (nursing a babe, in the middle of something you can't walk away from or whatever), but when possible, this really works.

[lolar2]

I have a question for the OP: do you find yourself getting furious and spanking almost before you realize it, so that it's an automatic reaction, mostly because it's how you were raised? Or have you consciously chosen to spank as a method of discipline, and you're wondering about alternative methods of discipline so that you can consciously change to other things?

If it's the former, I learned not to yell (much) at DS by counting to ten breaths, then counting backwards again, whenever I felt the urge to yell. I also made a decision that wouldn't be right for everyone, but was for us at that time: I decided that whatever harm too much television did to DS, it would be less than the harm too much yelling would do. When the TV is on he tends to dance and sing and play in the living room, which is the most childproofed room in the downstairs, so he doesn't get into as much mischief, so it gives me a break even if I am sitting on the floor drawing with him, because I'm not constantly on edge knowing that any second I will need to leap up and stop him from destroying something. The excessive-TV-for-a-while approach actually broke our vicious cycle, because I yelled less, so he became calmer and better-behaved, so now we are able to cut back on TV again (which we are doing). That might not be the best approach for you, of course, but if there is something (more help from family? paid babysitting?) that could break your cycle of misbehavior-spanking-agitation-misbehavior, it could be worth a try on a temporary basis.

If it's the second (spanking as a conscious choice), from what you describe the best alternative at this age is removal and childproofing.

If you are expecting a 21-month-old to respond to verbal instructions, he must be very verbally advanced; but that doesn't make him any more self-controlled than other babies his age. Look in the Gifted Child forum for more on asynchronous development.