public school conformity, help!!!

[skiingmamma]

Today was my son's third day of kindergarten and I'm already agitated by the teacher. Man, I really respect teachers, they work so stinkin hard. But I worry sometimes about letting someone else take care of my boys.
The teacher already thought it necessary to speak to me about ds behavior. He's very sweet, not a bully at all, the "problem" is that he's taking too long to do things.
Ds is spirited, intellegent, and already very thoughtful, in the sense of thinking to himself a lot, and spacing out of the current situation. He's never been to preschool, I taught him here at home, and I'm pretty scheduled, but my house is not a school! And I don't know anyone who is as regimented as a school. I guess he could be bored, my mother-in-law is great, and a teacher, and has told me numerous times when she's sees how smart he is, that it might be a challenge to keep him interested in school.
It's only his third day!!! Give him a chance to adjust!!!
And he's already getting bullied! My son's first reaction is rarely to fight back, which is good, because he's one of the biggest kids. But, apparently he didn't have time to eat his lunch because a kid kept poking him in the eye. The teachers didn't see that part, though, and just complained to me that he had to stay late at lunch to finish his food. My son told me what happened walking home from school.
Our school district is in the top one hundred in the US, so I've been told that I'll love having my kids go to school here, so I want to give it a chance, but I'm freakin out!

Any thoughts or advice would be great!!!


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[Mallori]

Can you switch teachers? I know that sounds dramatic, but my son sounds just like yours...smart but very pokey. He's going to need a more tolerant teacher (but strict with the bullies), and if she's starting out with this kind of attitude, it rarely gets better...

[mean_jeannie]

Did you ask her to give him more time? Did you tell her what you've shared with us here? What was her reaction to that?

If she is not open to working with him to help him adjust in a gentle way, you'll probably have to go through a couple of more conferences with her, and eventually with admin, to get him changed out of her class.

[Papooses]

As a former homeschooling mom also in an Early Childhood Education blended Masters program, I personally do not put much stock in how schools are ranked. Test scores don't mean much for each individual child. Childcher fit & parent involvement are more important.

Originally Posted by skiingmamma

he had to stay late at lunch to finish his food.

ECE urges that young kids be able to eat in their classrooms with their class families. My daughter is also spirited. Her Kindergarten teacher never complained about letting her sit to eat at her place while the rest of the class sat at circle time. She was still just 4 feet away (& able to pay better attention while occupied with the motions of eating).

I don't know what to tell you about how to fix this. To me, the school is simply set up all wrong. 1 mom isn't going to be able to change the whole structure on her own. GOOD LUCK

[sofiabugmom]

The third day? And she's complaining about a five-year-old kid's behavior not completely conforming to HER standards and schedule? Someone's a little too Type A IMNSHO.

I think a P/T conference is in order. She's got some massively unrealistic expectations for your child and not enough attention to the behaviors of the others (the bullies). The bullying in particular needs to be stopped now before it gets worse.

Good luck, and please keep us updated as much as you can.

[HipGal]

I'm sorry that you are facing this already. That must be so stressful when your ds just started!

When I was a teacher, I had a student who was always the last to transition (like go from his desk to the circle carpet, etc.). What I did was give him a little warning before the transition (like "In 1 minute, we are going to go line up for recess, okay?") and that is all it took. It is really not a big deal and I'm surprised this teacher even said anything - especially in kinder!

The bullying is definitely a problem. I worry about the same thing for my ds. He doesn't fight back and usually doesn't even say anything. One time some kids at the park were hounding him and later I told him he could say "stop, I don't like that". He said, "I don't want to!" I guess I'm glad he doesn't fight back, but I worry that he will be bullied for real when he is older.

Could you arrange some playdates with some of his classmates? He might be less of a target if he has friends in the class. He could also sit with them at lunch, etc.

One of the worst things about school, in my opinion, is the lunch hour where there is often hardly any supervision.

[karne]

I'm wondering how it's going? I have a ds who can either rip right through a task if he's motivated, or more likely will be the absolutely last child to do something, like get dressed to go out. FWIW, he's very bright as well, but stubborn as all get out. We did have one great pre-school teacher who lovingly worked with the behaviors by not making them a big deal-she saw it as a part of his personality. At home this past year I could see that advance planning, more time and structure around transistions was helpful. I wonder if that is going to happen in your ds's classroom?

[straighthaircurly]

My son's school encourages parents to come eat lunch with the kids anytime they want. I plan to be there a couple times a week at least in the beginning of K. There is no excuse for a K to be bullied at lunch. You need to spend some time at the school. In terms of the transitions I also suggest a conference where you can gain a better understanding of the methods they are using for transitions and how they ease kids into the year. Lots of kids still have trouble with transitions at this age. Also find out how long they typically spend at a particular activity. One thing I have noticed is that people don't expect kids this age to have a very long attention span and so they jump from activity to activity every 15-20 minutes. For kids like my son that drives him crazy because he wants to get in depth on an activity and routinely will spend an hour on something if left to his own choice. School can be a frustrating situation for a kid like that and the teacher can think they are slow when really they are just yearning for a longer, more in depth experience.

[skiingmamma]

[ One thing I have noticed is that people don't expect kids this age to have a very long attention span and so they jump from activity to activity every 15-20 minutes. For kids like my son that drives him crazy because he wants to get in depth on an activity and routinely will spend an hour on something if left to his own choice. School can be a frustrating situation for a kid like that and the teacher can think they are slow when really they are just yearning for a longer, more in depth experience.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for this. My son is the same way...very focused, so that could definitely be the issue. On that note, I'm thinking I might even home school or change to a different school in the district, if possible. See, there is a Montessori school in the district, and as I read up on that philosophy, I think it might be a good fit for my ds. I'd considered it before, but we only have one reliable car and parents have to transport their children to this school, and his current school is within walking distance. Unfortunately, location and finances have made our current decisions for us. But, maybe I'll get him on the waiting list, and therefore have some time to find good transportation. Especially considering I've emailed the teacher about my thoughts and she has not responded, it's been two days.

In a sad sense, I'm glad that we are all sick, because I've kept ds home from school yesterday and today with a fever and haven't had to worry about how he's being treated!!

Thank you so much for the ideas and help, and vindication! My dh and mom don't seem to be as concerned as I am, but I guess it's just that instinct. I just don't feel good about the situation, and it's so early.

[sofiabugmom]

Originally Posted by skiingmamma

Especially considering I've emailed the teacher about my thoughts and she has not responded, it's been two days.

OK, this is a problem. There had better be a $&*#! good reason as to why she has not responded, i.e., the teacher is out sick too or there's a technical problem with a server of some sort. When is the next time you can see her face-to-face to bring this up?

Sorry (but, for you, kinda glad in a way) that you're all feeling under the weather!

[aniT]

Originally Posted by sofiabugmom

OK, this is a problem. There had better be a $&*#! good reason as to why she has not responded, i.e., the teacher is out sick too or there's a technical problem with a server of some sort. When is the next time you can see her face-to-face to bring this up?

Sorry (but, for you, kinda glad in a way) that you're all feeling under the weather!

I have had many teachers who don't respond to emails. The don't check their emails, one only checks at school so I never heard from him unless it was during school hours (which is OK I guess.) You need to ask the principal what their policy on email is. DD's first grade teacher never checked or answered emails. I talked to the principal and they were supposed to check it at least once a day.. however this teacher never did.


I am sorry you are having problems already. I 2nd the person who suggested a different teacher. I think teachers decide who the "problem students" are right away and end up treated these children this way all year round. My oldest dd was in trouble all the time in K and th beginning of 1st grade. 6 weeks into the school year of 1st I moved her to a different school district and she has not had a problem since. (well expect passing notes last year in 9th grade.. but that is normal teenage girl stuff. ) She will be going in 10th this year. I fully believe the problems were not with my DD but with the expectations of that school district.

[skiingmamma]

Ok, she never emailed me back, but ds is well enough to go to school today, and I stayed for a little bit (only ten min., had the other children in tow) to talk to the teacher and observe in the meantime. She said she was too busy to email me back, but I have to say that her business is definitely not dedicated to the children, at least in the way I think it should be. She is impatient, abrupt, expects the children to act way beyond their years. I've never seen her smile at any of the students yet!!! She just isn't a Kindergarten teacher. You know, what I expect is friendliness, a welcoming attitude, a little patience with the students, who are only 5-6.

I don't want to sound judgemental, I really try to be understanding of people, in fact I'm usually pointing out other people's situations and cicumstances in defence against my dh and mom. And they are not particularly judgemental, I've just seen enough in my life to know that we can't always understand why people do things and we should just assume that everybody is trying their best, and treat them accordingly. I'm just not comfortable with this teacher. I have to trust my instincts about people, they've never let me down before. I've been in classes myself where I just got a bad feeling about the teacher, without any real obvious cause, and in one instance I transfered out just in time, right before he groped one of my friend's breast. I don't get any kinda vibe like that from this teacher, she's just not right for my son!!

Subsequently, I'm making an appointment with the principal to see about switching to another class. I have been trying to take an unbiased poll of the mothers I know whose kids have gone through Kindy, etc., at this school, and this particular teacher is the least friendly and most regimented. Apparently the other teachers are much more of what I would want in someone who I trust to teach and take care of my precious ones.

Wish me luck with the principal!! If that doesn't work, I'm putting ds on the waiting list for Montessori and homeschooling till he gets in.