Should I ask my kids if they were abused? How?

[elisent]

I'm sorry but I don't know where to put this so feel free to move it...

My husband's sister told us today that through therapy she remembered that their dad sexually abused her when she was ten.

My FIL usually stays 3-10 days when he visits so he has been alone with my kids at times while I napped or was in another part of the house. I have a 9yo son and my girls are 6 and 4. The 9yo stayed overnight with him once but the girls haven't.

Is there a way to ask them if they've been abused without accidentally creating false memories for them? Should I take them to the doctors for a physical exam? Have a therapist talk to them? They all had the good/bad touch talk at church a while back and none of them said anything about being abused then.

My mind is just so overwhelmed right now. My DH is really close to his dad and he looked absolutely broken when his sister told him this. Now he's gone to bed claiming a migraine without even talking to me about this or saying if he thinks what his sister says is true. His dad has been wanting to move up here soon and live with us until he finds a place so my husband is going to have to confront him.

[starshine1001]

O.K. My disclaimer is that I realize all people are not like me. But I was abused by my grandfather at the ripe old age of nine, and I'll tell you what...I didn't need therapy to "remind" me that it happened. I tend to think that the questions asked in some therapy sessions DO create false memories. Again with the disclaimer, I realize people deal with traumatic episodes differently, and a person might bury it or whatever. I wouldn't ask direct questions, but possibly have a talk with them about personal space, touching, etc. and what's appropriate or inappropriate, and let them know that you'd want to know if anyone ever tried to do that to them. A physical exam would be more traumatizing than it's worth. Mostly I'd just never let them be alone with him, especially until your DH talks to him about it. FWIW, my DH's mom did the same thing..."remembered" her dad abusing her after a therapy session...she's in her 50's. Granddaddy is dead, and it tore the whole family up that she would even suggest that. I know the most unlikely people can do the most shocking things. But nobody believed her...and I think it was a false memory.

As for my story, I never told anyone about it except my sister and my DH and you peeps online...I wish I had, though. Turns out he abused two of my female cousins as well. Had I spoken up, I might have spared them the trauma of that. Anyway, my cousins told their moms and now it's all out in the open. Just be very, VERY careful how you deal with it. I know you'll figure out the best way to deal with the situation...just listen to your instincts. I wish I had...

[BeckC]

Jess

I would do exactly what Jess suggested and have a talk with them about personal space and boundaries and appropriate touch, etc. and that you would want to know if anything like that ever happened to them.

[tree-hugger]

I agree. I think it's best to be indirect about it. Rather than asking did soandso ever do a, b, c, or d to you, instead create a supportive and open-ended atmosphere where they would feel safe telling you about something if it did happen.

[SAHDS]

Originally Posted by starshine1001

O.K. My disclaimer is that I realize all people are not like me. But I was abused by my grandfather at the ripe old age of nine, and I'll tell you what...I didn't need therapy to "remind" me that it happened. I tend to think that the questions asked in some therapy sessions DO create false memories. Again with the disclaimer, I realize people deal with traumatic episodes differently, and a person might bury it or whatever.

I completely agree with every word (hugs to you, I know exactly how it is. I was 6-7 and it was my step-grandfather). s

I wouldn't ask direct questions, but possibly have a talk with them about personal space, touching, etc. and what's appropriate or inappropriate, and let them know that you'd want to know if anyone ever tried to do that to them.

I agree, if you've never brought it up before. As for me, I've talked with my children since they were tiny about personal space, touching, right/wrong and have reiterated it many times throughout the year. I have absolutely no problem asking them if anything has ever happened, and have asked them. If it's easier for you, I agree that you can do it not completely directly, but letting them know they can tell you anything and nothing is a secret between you. Conversation can evolve from that.

On a side note, it was when my mom directly, flat-out asked me about it (she asked if anything had ever happened to me after we watched a tv program about it, if I remember correctly, I asked her what molestation meant and I'm guessing she knew from the way I said it) that I finally had the courage to tell her. I may have kept it buried forever had she not.

A physical exam would be more traumatizing than it's worth. Mostly I'd just never let them be alone with him, especially until your DH talks to him about it.

Yes to all of this.

[doctormom]

A physical exam is unlikely to uncover signs of past abuse, in my experience. On the (thankfully few) occasions when I have had to do exams, it was for people who were sexually assaulted within the prior week, and even then there may be few physical signs.

I think a gentle, non-directive conversation with your kids will be more helpful - not "did FIL ever touch you?" but "Your body is private" "We don't keep secrets, if anyone asks you to keep a secret you should tell me" "Adults don't touch kids in places their swimsuit covers" "If someone does touch you, you must tell, so I can keep you safe"

There are some helpful books that I used to begin educating DS, you might check your local library. I liked My Body Is Private.

[IntuitiveJamie]

There is a great childrens book called "THE RIGHT TOUCH" It's a story book all about the right touch (obviously). It's a great book for opening the door for communication. I personally know some ppl that have bought the book after their children were indeed abused and it helped a lot to allow them to communicate. I plan on getting it for my children in the next year.

http://www.illumin.com/blog/2008/04/...right-tou.html

I highly recommend this book to all parents.

I def. think you should find a way to talk to them about the subject. It's never a bad time to open the door to this subject IMO.
I sincerely hope nothing has ever happened to your children!

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by starshine1001

O.K. My disclaimer is that I realize all people are not like me. But I was abused by my grandfather at the ripe old age of nine, and I'll tell you what...I didn't need therapy to "remind" me that it happened.

I totally agree with this too.

Has your sil spoken to her father? What did he say?

[Sprungthe2.50]

I'd be wary of 'repressed memories' coming out in therapy, too many horror stories where it never happened but it's very real in the person's head at that point. If it was hypnosis then question it more.

At that age? Anyone I know who has been abused remembers, never needed reminding, even if it happened when they were younger.

I'd really worry that an innocent man is going to get accused and a family destroyed because of a quack here. There have been tons of stories like this.

Don't suggest it to the kids, ask so indirectly so they don't think you're looking for a certain answer, they may think that's what you want to hear and that's what they are supposed to say. That's also lead to false accusations, some investigators won't stop digging and asking until the child gives them the answer they are looking for and will just think they are supposed to say that (depending on age of course)

[Periwinkle]

Wow - all the advice has been SO good. ITA with every word everyone wrote!

[LavenderMae]

Well I was sexually abused and I blocked out most of it. And my family did exactly what people here are saying and said I made it up because I don't have clear memories of the abuse. I have very clear memories of him abusing my sister (we were all in the same bed) and she has memories of him doing it to both of us. My sister and I didn't even talk about it until we were 19 and 17. Somethings are so traumatic you block them out and I am pretty hurt that so many people even here wouldn't believe I was abused just because I blocked most of it out.

Anyway, I would just start the talks about what's okay ect like others have suggested. I hope nothing happened ot them.

P.S. I've never been in therapy so no repressed memories have come out that way.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by SachaMacina

I'd be wary of 'repressed memories' coming out in therapy, too many horror stories where it never happened but it's very real in the person's head at that point. If it was hypnosis then question it more.

At that age? Anyone I know who has been abused remembers, never needed reminding, even if it happened when they were younger.

The brain creates wonderful defense mechanisms. Forgetting abuse IS possible for some people because the brain can handle it better sometimes if it buries the abuse.

Not every recovered memory is false. Did your SIL just have a child herself, within the last year or so? I've read that, sometimes, buried memories only come back when the victim has a child of her own to protect. (But that doesn't automatically make her memories false if she didn't just have a child.)

Have you read Protecting the Gift? You really need to. How do YOU feel about your FIL?
I wouldn't ask your kids about abuse but I wouldn't leave them alone with grandpa anymore, either. Better safe than sorry.

You can find other excuses for him to not live with you, and therefore you don't have to confront him if you don't want to.

[momtoS]

Sorry you even have to think about this.....
HUGS

[earthgirl]

This must be an awful situation for you to be in. Having said that, I tend to agree that repressed memories are not really memories at all in a lot of cases. But I certainly don't want to dispute anyone's experience. I just know that there has been a lot of research on repressed memories and it seems like therapists have been wrong many, many times.

[elisent]

Thanks, knowing to ask indirectly helps. I didn't want to ask flat out "Did ___ touch you?" but I didn't know if they would get it if I didn't. It wasn't until I was asked flat out that I was able to admit to being abused so that colors my experiences.

She didn't get the memories through hypnosis, but rather just from talking and thinking back. It kind of makes sense because my own husband doesn't even have one memory before he was ten years old. Their parents were partying drug users at that time and would apparently leave them locked in their room most of the time. They divorced when my DH was 7 and SIL was 3 and his mom got remarried and responsible.

My husband's brother points out that he always made a big deal that SIL was the only one allowed to sleep in the bedroom with him during visitation.

SIL and FIL have always had a close relationship and she's been his favorite, so I know she honestly believes this has happened. She's terrified to tell him because he has chronic depression and is often suicidal. His insisting on moving up is forcing her to do something, though, because she wants to protect her daughters. He's told her several times recently that he would like to buy a house together with her.

She says it wasn't until she remembered the abuse that things fell into place and so much in her life suddenly made sense.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by earthgirl

I just know that there has been a lot of research on repressed memories and it seems like therapists have been wrong many, many times.

But not all recovered memories come through therapy. Some people recover them on their own (without being in therapy at all).

[christyc]

Originally Posted by BeckC

Jess

I would do exactly what Jess suggested and have a talk with them about personal space and boundaries and appropriate touch, etc. and that you would want to know if anything like that ever happened to them.

Yes. And if anything happens to make you think they MAY have been abused, and you think you will EVER want to pursue it legally, I would not ask a whole lot of questions beyond that, but would report to law enforcement so they could schedule a forensic interview. The forensic interviewers are trained in how to conduct an interview so that information learned from it would be a lot less likely to be questioned in court, KWIM? That way, the defense couldn't come back later and accuse you of planting the seeds, etc. After the interview, you could definitely talk more about it with the child(ren), process, attend some therapy, whatever.

[chaoticzenmom]

I have had repressed memories come up and it has always amazed me that I forgot that. Usually, they'll come in a flood of several memories at once. Like thinking about a song that my stepfather used to play, then thinking about him wrestling and tickling me and then BOOM, flood of memories that keep my mind occupied for weeks trying to process. I also was molested at 5 and I have absolutely no memory of it. I've only been told what I told my mother.

I would get that book suggested about good touch and just open the lines. Get them in bed, relaxed, happy, read the book, watch thier reactions, if they start talking, stay extremely calm and ask for clarification.

I hope all goes well when she confronts him. It's going to be difficult.

Lisa

[Labbemama]

I recommend the book "a very touching book" by Jan Hindman for talking to kids about their bodies and kinds of touches.

I would probably also say something about if someone touches a child and tells them not to it is ok to tell, in fact it is very brave to tell. A lot of times kids are afraid to talk because it is embarrassing and they feel like it was their fault or bad and because often perpetrators threaten them to keep them silent.

On that note, my grandfather was a nasty old goat and he abused my sister but other than his bad temper which scared the you know what out of me, he was not in any way physically or sexually abusive to me. And I think it was because in his warped mind I was off limits because I was the first Grandchild and special in that way AND I was also known as a Blabbermouth. I think he knew I was the kind of kid who would TELL and TELL immediately. My sister however was very much vulnerable to seeking attention. Sadly for her.

I feel confident that he never did anything to our cousins because he was never ever left alone in a room with them because he was such a poor father to my mother's sibs that they would only let him be around their kids with close supervison. I hung around them a lot so that also was a protective factor.

I think it's best if you have some strong suspicions they are interviewed by a pro. Do they have any of the warning signs of CSA?
How much access did he have to your kids? Are your kids the same "Type" of kids as the victim? (Age, gender?)

[gsd1amommy]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

I have had repressed memories come up and it has always amazed me that I forgot that. Usually, they'll come in a flood of several memories at once. Like thinking about a song that my stepfather used to play, then thinking about him wrestling and tickling me and then BOOM, flood of memories that keep my mind occupied for weeks trying to process. I also was molested at 5 and I have absolutely no memory of it. I've only been told what I told my mother.

I would get that book suggested about good touch and just open the lines. Get them in bed, relaxed, happy, read the book, watch thier reactions, if they start talking, stay extremely calm and ask for clarification.

I hope all goes well when she confronts him. It's going to be difficult.

Lisa

Please don't set this up as a bedtime thing and please don't make it a group project. If one of your children would reveal abuse, he/she would not need the "audience" to be witness to their intial grief, trauma, shame, etc. The other children need not be witness to that either in the moment of revelation. Address it however you think is best but do it one on one.