What is this?!?!

[Sage_SS]

My oldest daughter is 9 years old. She has had this friend, we'll call her Ida. Her and Ida became friends three years ago, they met at school. Ida has spent tons of time at our house, more because we were concerned about her than anything. She'd come to our house filthy, her clothes would be disgusting, and it was clear she hadn't changed her panties in many days. So when she came over, we made baths foremost. I talked with her mom about it and she said that her and her husband just get so overwhelmed that some stuff falls to the side. I checked with her before the baths and she said she really appreciated it, that sometimes her baths at our house were her only baths in many, many days.
When we first met her she was very quiet, very sweet. She has two older brothers who are out of control. They swear at everyone and they're abusive. Her parents have their hands full with them and we think that Ida just falls to the wayside because she was so complacent.
Last year our family moved so our daughters switched schools. Ida and my daughter kept in touch. Ida changed. She became very manipulative, playing my daughters against each other. She lied, she was verbally abusive. She started rumors and stole my daughters email and penguin (internet playsite) passwords and blocked her out of her own accounts. When my daughter asked her for the new password she FLIPPED out, screaming at her that she was the liar, she was the looser, that Ida would never waste her time on such a stupid kid. My daughter was very upset. We spoke with Ida's mother and the passwords were returned. I told my daughter at that point that I don't want her hanging around Ida anymore. My husband thought I was in the wrong, that Ida was just becoming a product of her home and needed us more than ever and my daughter highly resented that I'd try to tell her who she could be friends with. I tried to explain to my daughter that she doesn't need friends like that, that she deserves friends who love her and like her for who she is. She disagreed. She said that she IS a terrible friend and that she'd never stop being friends with Ida, because thats what friends do.
The last time Ida came over was my daughters bday party in May. Ida didn't get along well with another girl at the party. We've barely heard from Ida since.
Today my daughter got an email from Ida saying that if she remained friends with the other girl, Ida would no longer be her friend. That she doesn't have friends that are loosers and liars so she doesn't even know why she's friends with my daughter at all. That at this time there's only one thing my daughter can do if she wants to stay friends with her. To call her and say "I'm so sorry Ida. You are the best friend I could ever ask for. I'm a looser and a liar but if you'll be my friend, I'll try not to be a looser anymore. Please forgive me"


: Can you believe this!??! I'm just shocked that she'd do something like this.

So my hubby said to our daughter that she should just delete the email and ignore Ida. That Ida is not a friend that our daughter would want. She clearly doesn't think much of our daughter and that our daughter would be better spending time with good friends. And my daughter said no, that she won't do that. She insisted that we (him and I) have no idea what its like to be a kid, that we don't understand what friends (kid friends) are like.

What is this? What do I do? What can I do? We've told her so many times what an amazing kid she is. That she's smart and funny and a blast to hang with. She has lots of other friends and they all think highly of her. I don't know what it is with this girl, but I want to block her phone number and email from her.

[SAHDS]

Wow, that is tragic. This little girl is clearly crying out for something and/or someone. I think it would hurt her further to ignore her and her plea (no matter how poorly it manifests itself). Can you talk with her or her mother? So sad.

[kewb]

I feel for your daughter's friend. If your daughtr is insisting on being friends have her over but have Ida understand the rules of the house and if she breaks them send her home. You may have fallen into the trap of making Ida more appealing by forbidding the friendship.

[melissanc]

I would almost think you are talking about my neighbors at the end of the road. Their dd has become horrible and is overly aggressive, angry and foul mouthed. I thought I could " change " her but her mother is worse and I finally restricted Chris from playing with her. I cant raise her child and had to ultimately look out for my child's best interest.

If I were in your shoes I would have to restrict your children's access to Ida. Her behaviors are inappropriate. Sadly I doubt they will improve.

[Sage_SS]

I have had that talk with Ida. About the rules of our house and about respecting people in general. I've spoken with her about bullies, both acting like one and how to deal with one.
I think she sees all the attention her brothers have gotten with their behavious and thinks its "cool".

I spoke with my daughter again. She came to me and asked me if she could use my laptop to send Ida an email. I asked her what she was going to say. She said that she was going to tell Ida that the other girl is her friend, and Ida is her friend. She's not going to end her friendship with the other girl because Ida doesn't like her but she doesn't want to end her friendship with Ida. She said that she's being mean to her and she doesn't understand why.

She sent the email.

Its a hard situation with Ida.

[ilovebabies]

Kudos to your daughter for not being bullied by Ida and for not ending her friendship with this other girl for her. It's good that she's standing her ground. Maybe Ida will choose to just end the friendship.

What a tough situation. As I read your post, I wondered what I would do in your shoes. I'm not sure.

On one hand I would think that if I took this girl under my wing and just loved her and helped her see her value, then she could change. I mean, I hear stories all the time about kids who, when they're adults, remember that one person in their lives as a kid who was like an angel to them. Those are wonderful stories, and they do happen, but I think they are rare.

Then on the other hand, you have to protect your daughter and there is a time to put your foot down as a parent and say enough is enough. Unfortunately, children are easily influenced and this girl's attitude and character could start to rub off on YOUR daughter. This isn't always the case, but many times is it. Although, it sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and really cares about this girl.

Trust your instincts. This is really a hard situation and I would feel so torn if I were in your shoes. But I believe you'll do the right thing if you just trust your instincts. Also, keep the conversation going with your daughter about the whole thing. Keep the door of communicatin open. That way you can always be on top of the situation.

Good luck mamma. Keep us posted.