Breaking Curfew Rules WWYD? Update Post # 7 !

[anitaj71]

My ds is 17 today he is graduating this year ( I'm with you peppermint leaf ) We have a curfew of 'about' 12 AM. If he is home later I expect a phone call and he better be sober and watching movies at a friends house if he wants to be out later than 12AM.

This summer, he has been out a few times until about 2 -3. He came home at 3:30 AM this morning. He is sober, and says he was just hanging out at the local skate park with friends.

I have driven out to find him at 2 AM and he is always at the skate park, hanging out and doesn't argue or get upset when I pick him up. He is happy for the ride home. Again, sober, and I have smelled nothing on him.

The reason I haven't done any serious enforcing so far is because I have only 'caught' him a handful of times and he doesn't seem to be doing anything more serious than 'hanging' out with his friends. No crazy house parties, make out sessions in someones basement ( to the best of my knowledge anyway . . ) just being out very late with a group of his friends.

He has been responsible all summer getting to work on time. If he works at 6AM he is in bed early so he can be at work awake and ready to go. He does his chores at home. He cuts the lawn, and takes turns with his dss washing floors and cleaning bathrooms.

However this late night/early morning thing is making me nuts. Middle of the night teen hangouts can really only lead to trouble imho. However, when do I start to let go? He will be 18 next summer and my control will only go so far. As long as he keeps his grades up and keeps his job and does what he needs to do at home is this just a normal part of growing up? Or , do I bring the hammer down? I'm at a loss with this one. Is there a compromise here?

[Arduinna]

Given all of the things you listed, he is just hanging out, he is sober, he hasn't ever gotten in trouble and he is responsible when he does need to get up early and is all in all a good kid I'd totally let it slide.

[fek&fuzz]

Does he say why he doesn't call you if he's going to be out later than 12?

I know my mom could never sleep until we were all home, so it would have been quite rude of us to stay out until 3 without informing her.

Maybe he could just call you if he wants to be out that late. Especially if you don't really mind.

[VisionaryMom]

I would let the staying out go, though I'd definitely say something about not calling to let me know. My mom was horrible abotu curfews, though I was a really well-mannered, well-behaved teen. I didn't come home during summers in college to get away from it. When I was home for the weekend, she'd still say, "be home by 11." So I stopped coming home. It just felt there was no "reward" for doing as I was asked all the time, so I'm really big on not being that way with my kids.

[GooeyRN]

He sounds like a really great kid! I would just have him call if he will be more than a few minutes late as long as you aren't going to get fined if he gets caught.

[ma_vie_en_rose]

I would be upset about the not calling part if he is only hanging out. I remember being that age and having a very, very strict curfew. In fact, I got a number of tickets speeding home to make it. It was that serious. Anyway, all I was ever doing was hanging out at Denny's with my friends drinking coffee and laughing. It was frustrating that I did not feel they trusted me when I had never done anything to show them I couldn't be. kwim

[anitaj71]

I got a call this morning at 3AM from my ds. He was in Emergency. He told me he 'hit his head'. I get to the hospital and he was in X-ray and was also given a CT scan. Images of his brain swelling, bleeding, worse case scenario crap going through my head. Arrrghgh ! They should have pink screaming rooms in hospitals for hysterical mamas so I could go cry and come back calm and centered . . .

I talked to the paramedics and they said he had been boarding down a huge hill close by to where we live. My ds' friend called 911 when he fell. My ds said he blacked out for a bit. He couldn't remember what happened and was pretty confused for a while. He was teary and scared. Eventually, all the scans came back 'clean' and they sent of home.

I got lots of hugs and I love yous from my boy. I'm not sure whether to strangle him or hug him. Yes, he got the hugs and mushy kisses. I'll figurativley kick him in the butt when he wakes up.

The doctor on duty also told me that my ds, when asked, said he had been smoking pot. A combination of pot and boarding down huge hill could've turned my boy into a vegetable last night.

Can I ground him for life now? Or at least burn his skateboard and super glue a helmet to his head?

[spero]

Oh, mama. How scary.

Originally Posted by anitaj71

However, when do I start to let go? He will be 18 next summer and my control will only go so far. As long as he keeps his grades up and keeps his job and does what he needs to do at home is this just a normal part of growing up? Or , do I bring the hammer down? I'm at a loss with this one. Is there a compromise here?

I know that it's not going to be the popular opinion here - but in our house rules are rules, they exist for a reason, curfew is fairly set and expected to be followed. I've had issues with my oldest (18 next month) breaking curfew since last summer. I have no problem grounding him, he's still a minor and living in my house so he has to obey my rules, like it or not. I think I'm fair and I give him a pretty loose leash - but when he abuses the privileges he's given he's knows I'll quickly reign it in. I've made it clear that, as long as he lives under my roof, he'll have to live within a certain amount of (age-appropriate) boundaries.

Smoking dope led to my kid losing first his bedroom door, and then his car. That's a deal breaker in our house.

[MCR]

Originally Posted by anitaj71

Can I ground him for life now? Or at least burn his skateboard and super glue a helmet to his head?

I'd want to do all three, I hope he recovers quickley and this accident deters him from not coming home in time for Curfew. This is my biggest fear, Ds loves his bike and skateboard, and we live on top of a steep hill, but he's tucked up in bed before I go to sleep, I just hope he's staying there.

[anitaj71]

I know that it's not going to be the popular opinion here - but in our house rules are rules, they exist for a reason, curfew is fairly set and expected to be followed. I've had issues with my oldest (18 next month) breaking curfew since last summer. I have no problem grounding him, he's still a minor and living in my house so he has to obey my rules, like it or not. I think I'm fair and I give him a pretty loose leash - but when he abuses the privileges he's given he's knows I'll quickly reign it in. I've made it clear that, as long as he lives under my roof, he'll have to live within a certain amount of (age-appropriate) boundaries.

Smoking dope led to my kid losing first his bedroom door, and then his car. That's a deal breaker in our house.

Thanks for saying that . . . He did loose his bedroom door and many privileges this past winter . . . Thank you for the discipline reminder. I doubt mysef sometimes because I think "well he is getting older and/or what more can I do ? " However after this last incident has strengthened my resolve to do something about his late nights.

[AngelBee]

I am glad that he is ok.

[Arduinna]

I'd never remove my kids bedroom door. Even the most misbehaving kid has the right to change their clothes in their room in privacy or be able to sleep with the door closed.

[chiromamma]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I'd never remove my kids bedroom door. Even the most misbehaving kid has the right to change their clothes in their room in privacy or be able to sleep with the door closed.

Yea That. No matter what a kid does he needs to be treated with dignity.
My folks took my door off when I was a teen and it felt like such a bullying, dishonoring thing to do.
Guess what? I got high in the bathroom and blew the smoke in the vent!

What your son did is dangerous and would freak me out. Thank God he's OK. Thank God his friend had the presence of mind to call 911.
Since he has a job and his injuries were a result of carelessness, I'd consider billing him for the co-pay and/or a month or two of insurance premiums.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I'd never remove my kids bedroom door. Even the most misbehaving kid has the right to change their clothes in their room in privacy or be able to sleep with the door closed.

many parents don't, many parents do

many kids don't have privacy anyway because they share a room with a few sibs.

Bathrooms are available for changing.

FTR we have removed doors because the door itself was being mistreated....not to prevent privacy. Slamming doors so hard that it damages door frames is unacceptable behavior.

[chiromamma]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

many parents don't, many parents do

many kids don't have privacy anyway because they share a room with a few sibs.

Bathrooms are available for changing.

FTR we have removed doors because the door itself was being mistreated....not to prevent privacy. Slamming doors so hard that it damages door frames is unacceptable behavior.

For me, a much more logical consequence for damaging property is to require the child to find a way for it to be repaired...call handymen and get bids and the kids pays or the kid checks out books from the library or searches online for how to repair a broken door frame.
I have also had children assist me in the repair and pay for parts.
Obviously, if the door can't hang on the frame until the repair is done, they go without a door. That's different than a punitive removal of a door.

[anitaj71]

Since he has a job and his injuries were a result of carelessness, I'd consider billing him for the co-pay and/or a month or two of insurance premiums.

I thought I would never say this but . . *unfourtunately*, we live in Canada and there is nothing to pay for his stint in emergency.

He did break his glasses and he will be paying for the replacement pair. I also told him he will be walking to and from work. He has 6AM shifts and sometimes gets off as late as 11 pm. I won't be taking him driving. ( he has a learners permit ) There are other stuff that will come up ( internet use etc. ) and I will let the natural consequences fall where they may.

[Arduinna]

Well I wasn't thinking specifically of not being around other people while sleeping I was thinking of the noise and light filtering that a door provides when someone wants to sleep.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

For me, a much more logical consequence for damaging property is to require the child to find a way for it to be repaired...call handymen and get bids and the kids pays or the kid checks out books from the library or searches online for how to repair a broken door frame.
I have also had children assist me in the repair and pay for parts.
Obviously, if the door can't hang on the frame until the repair is done, they go without a door. That's different than a punitive removal of a door.

yeah ITA with all of that.

[fek&fuzz]

Originally Posted by anitaj71

I thought I would never say this but . . *unfourtunately*, we live in Canada and there is nothing to pay for his stint in emergency.

He did break his glasses and he will be paying for the replacement pair. I also told him he will be walking to and from work. He has 6AM shifts and sometimes gets off as late as 11 pm. I won't be taking him driving. ( he has a learners permit ) There are other stuff that will come up ( internet use etc. ) and I will let the natural consequences fall where they may.

Will walking at those hours set him up for risk of being hit by a car? being mugged? If he will be walking in the dark (even with street lights) PLEASE get him a reflective vest and make sure he wears it.

[chiromamma]

Originally Posted by anitaj71

I thought I would never say this but . . *unfourtunately*, we live in Canada and there is nothing to pay for his stint in emergency. .

Darn that universal healthcare system!