Ds not inviting certain friends....

[mamababamba]

Ds is having his 7th bday party in a couple of weeks. Last year we invited his whole class plus some close friends and when all the siblings and parents showed up, I was serving cake to 50 people....I am a teacher and all the parents I think are eager to check me out....this year I am going easy and eager to cut down on the list....unfortunately ds does not have three or four clear close friends and as we live far from most of them and don't do a lot of playdates I figure the birthday is one good way to build connections...that being said ds decided not to invite two friends both teacher's children at our school. One of the friends who is in my class and I love will be okay and understanding...but the other went to preschool with ds and their whole family is rather attached to ds and I....while their son is a wonderful child he is rather spirited and he and ds do clash so I want to support ds but am feeling like it will become a big deal....how much do you interefere with the invitation list? Should I approach the two families not being invited and explain?

[Daniel's Kitty]

I would let your son choose the list. Is there a chance that he doesn't like his b-day being a meet the teacher open house? He may want a quiet birthday instead and be trying to cut people out that he doesn't feel close to.

[monkaha]

I wouldn't explain unless you are asked to. If you are asked, you can either explain that it was up to DC or that you had to set a smaller limit this year.

We have decided that our kids can invite one kid per year they are turning (so DD had 7 friends invited this year). This has, so far, worked really well. Made for some good sized parties, and is easy to explain the reasons that some folks get left out. As my mom would always do for me, my kids have the go-ahead to blame me for that so they don't have to feel bad for excluding anyone. Good luck.

[Kirsten]

Well, first thing you do is be clear that you don't have space for siblings to tag along. I really hate it when people assume all their kids can come when you invited ONE.

But if your son wants to invite his entire class except for two kids... well, I think that is bordering on mean. It will surely be mentioned, and you don't really have a leg to stand on saying it was a space or number isuse if you invited the other 22 kids.

If it was half the kids in the class plus a few neighborhood kids or cousins, I think that is fair. But to say everyone except two kids isn't something I'd let my kids do.

I do like to let my kids invite who they want... but I sometimes strongly suggest that they make an addition here and there to spare feelings.

[mamababamba]

These two kids are in my class, not his....but one in particular has been in soccer, preschool etc. with him. Ds is the extravert in the family....friends with everyone....hoping on the one hand to see him bond with a few friends but not wanting to hurt others feelings. This year we are not at a park and it is clearly one of those places that limits the number of kids so unlike last year there should not be the siblings, friends guests from out of town....etc....thanks for all your input. Mostly I think it will just be hard dealing with the adults being disappointed....so I just need to get over it.

[Momily]

I think there's a difference betwen not inviting someone whose not that good a friend and not inviting someone who'll be crushed. As a special educator I always know one or two kids who struggle to make friends. I know it's really hard for those kids when the one child who they feel somewhat successful with doesn't invite them. DS is often that one child because he's so nice, and so we have the following conversations:

In our circle there are a couple of kids who while nice, good kids don't make friends easily because of a disability -- they think of DS as one of their best friends, while DS think of them as one of many friends. I've made it pretty clear to him that they're to be invited, and why and he agrees.

Also, when we go through the list I'll say "you know he's invited you to his house several times, he really likes you -- how do you think he'll feel not to be invited" and DS might say "oh, his mom's always inviting people over but at recess he only plays with John and Delonte -- he won't be suprised I didn't invite him" or "you're right, he'll feel sad. Let's invite him".

[mamababamba]

Both kids are special needs kids. In the end, ds was crying over inviting the one who can be downright mean and so we left him off the list, the other who probably would have been fine we decided to invite with the idea that he may not be invited to a lot of parties and while a quirky aspie he is a great kid and the kindest soul. Haven't approached the parents....we are having a student study team for the child we did not invite next week so.....hope it all goes over well.