What things should not be a "choice"?

[MommyTorf]

I hope that this is the right place to post this.

I'm all for "choices", I make an effort to give DS choices in almost all areas of our life. But what about when your "choices" hurt others?

example: My good friend was helping her DD (3yrs old) transition into the classroom at our Montessori school by sitting with her and reading a book. My DS (also 3yrs old) sat down with them to listen to the story. My friend's DD starting demanding that my DS "get away" b/c she was having "her time with mommy". My friend told my DS that he could not sit with them and listen to the story b/c it was her DD's "choice" to not have him join.

My feelings were VERY hurt and I was soooo offended. On one hand, I get that she was trying to empower her DD, but on the other hand, it was RUDE and MEAN. She is a trusted adult in my DS's life. I feel like he was interacting in a positive way, just sitting and listening, and she "punished" him by sending him away. Shouldn't we, as parents and adults, facilitate tricky situations like this and guide our children to interact appropriately and kindly?

Am I over-reacting? WWYD? What do you think?

[Rose-Roget]

I can see both sides of this. To me, it sounds like your friend phrased it wrong. The reason they wanted to be alone was because your friend was helping her dd transition and they were having private time together before class. The reason was not because her her daughter made a choice that was hurtful. Personally, in that situation, if I were your friend, I would have explained to my child, "Those are hurtful words. You could tell your friend nicely that you'd like some alone time with mommy right now." (And I would encourage my child to use those more appropriate words.) Then, I'd explain to the friend (your son) that usually we would love to spend time with him, and maybe later we could, but right now my dc was having a hard time. Hurting people's feelings shouldn't be a choice, but their right to privacy and alone time (even if your son was being sweet and just listening nicely) is acceptable, imho.

I'm sorry it was hurtful to you and your son. I hope you were able to find a way to explain it to him that was nicer sounding.

[daytripper75]

It would have been MUCH nicer for the other mother to have said something like, "Friend, would you be so kind as to give dc and myself a little bit of alone time right now? We will be ready to join you in a few minutes."
They would have gotten what they needed and your child would have felt like a champ for "being kind."
It sounds like your friend didn't have her thinking cap on. It is hard to balance sometimes, you want to make sure your own child's needs are being met and anyone coming into that moment feels like an intruder.

I hope that this doesn't happen again, I think that I would let it roll this time but speak up if it happens again.

[MattBronsil]

Originally Posted by MommyTorf

I hope that this is the right place to post this.

I'm all for "choices", I make an effort to give DS choices in almost all areas of our life. But what about when your "choices" hurt others?

example: My good friend was helping her DD (3yrs old) transition into the classroom at our Montessori school by sitting with her and reading a book. My DS (also 3yrs old) sat down with them to listen to the story. My friend's DD starting demanding that my DS "get away" b/c she was having "her time with mommy". My friend told my DS that he could not sit with them and listen to the story b/c it was her DD's "choice" to not have him join.

My feelings were VERY hurt and I was soooo offended. On one hand, I get that she was trying to empower her DD, but on the other hand, it was RUDE and MEAN. She is a trusted adult in my DS's life. I feel like he was interacting in a positive way, just sitting and listening, and she "punished" him by sending him away. Shouldn't we, as parents and adults, facilitate tricky situations like this and guide our children to interact appropriately and kindly?

Am I over-reacting? WWYD? What do you think?

It was poorly phrased, in my opinion, because it makes it look like the daughter was being mean, which she was not.

Next time, suggest taht she says, "This is my time with ____ (girl's name). I will ____ with you later. (Another activity)." (Or "I did not let her interrupt our time together. It is now time for me to spend some time with her.")

[KBecks]

I think your friend was rude. OTOH, I can see wanting to help her daughter through the transition, but I think her choice of words was wrong.

I think she could have said that her daughter wants to be alone right now . Or something like that. At the same time I think it's preferable to be inclusive and I would rather be inclusive to a child that approached us because I think that's modeling good social behavior.

It's a tough call, and I'm sorry it happened to you.