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i feel like it's a sort of race or something

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
that i want to just give up on...and let things flow

but you all know..they ain't goin' anywhere unless i race...

know what i mean?

how are you feeling about it?

i am feeling frustrated and angry that i can't conceive "naturally."

there...i said it...

do you want to say something about it?
post #2 of 16
I am frustrated, too. I waited 6 months to have my IVF and then it didn't end up in a transfer! I do have 19 frozen embryos, though. But I can't try a frozen transfer until the end of October-ish! It seems so far away and I want the time to fly. But it's not good to wish away months of your life either. And then, what if that doesn't work?

I feel your frustration.
post #3 of 16
It reminds me of a saying we used a lot in high school band. Hurry up and wait.

Rush rush rush to get into the office, get your meds, get this test, get in bed... etc. Then wait.

Like a treadmill. And I can't think of anything else right now. Like... the rest of everything I want to do is on hold.
post #4 of 16
Thread Starter 
yes..hurry up and wait...

and sex is becoming quite a chore..especially if we just don't feel like it...

like last night we were very exhausted from an awesome but busy day....

so we didn't...and i just keep thinking "what if that was the one?"

i just want to be able to let go...

just let go....

but i can't .....
post #5 of 16
I get you. I've had a couple month reprieve from ttc due to some procedures (sonohysterogram, laparoscopy,etc) and it was NICE to take a break. There was no sex unless we really wanted it, no obsessing about charts, cervical mucous, etc. There was no disappointment about AF showing because there was no chance that she would not. I really needed that mental break and although I desperately want to be pregnant, I'm actually not thrilled about being able to start trying again- and being disappointed.
post #6 of 16
Thread Starter 
yes...i wish there was some way around it...i really do...

but i don't think there is...

unless i can change my mindset somehow...but it seems nearly impossible..
post #7 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tandy View Post
yes...i wish there was some way around it...i really do...

but i don't think there is...

unless i can change my mindset somehow...but it seems nearly impossible..
post #8 of 16
Tandy, wow, I could have written this post

It is so hard. Today of all days I find out that 2 other online friends are expecting their second baby after we all started ttc'ing number 1 together

I too wish we could conceive naturally and soon. We cannot afford ART so it's this way or no way.
post #9 of 16
Actually, I feel more as if its a huge long line, like the kind of line you get for a popular ride at Disney, and I've been waitng for AGES, and people keep cutting in front of me.

It sucks, and I sometimes wonder if I could be happier if we quit, but then when I try to envision a childfree life, I can't. It just seems to hollow, like there'd be no reason for getting out of bed in the morning without kids to care for. So we keep trying... and trying.. and trying...
post #10 of 16
Thread Starter 
held~~i am not sure what art is..

i can't imagine a child-free life either...children are my passion...in my work and hopefully one day in my home....my belly, and at my breasts...

((((((((((allofus))))))))))
post #11 of 16
to everyone. I am dealing with secondary IF (and also had primary IF, starting in 1996). It feels like a race that I'm way way way way way behind in. And I keep seeing others get to the finish...
post #12 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItyBty View Post
Actually, I feel more as if its a huge long line, like the kind of line you get for a popular ride at Disney, and I've been waitng for AGES, and people keep cutting in front of me.

It sucks, and I sometimes wonder if I could be happier if we quit, but then when I try to envision a childfree life, I can't. It just seems to hollow, like there'd be no reason for getting out of bed in the morning without kids to care for. So we keep trying... and trying.. and trying...
This is exactly where I'm at, though we've been trying a lot less longer than this. Sometimes it does feel like a race - though I'm not a great runner and currently I am training to run my first marathon. I can say that when I run, I get to the halfway point and realize how far I have to run to get back to where I started. My emotions on the way out are positive, that I can do this, that this is a great challenge, etc. On the way back I am usually having to tell myself that not everyone does this, some never could and some do it and make it seem so easy. I realize that if I want to get back to my car I am going to have to run - I have ended up walking which is frustrating because I want to be running. The only difference with a race, is that I know there's an end and I know even if I walk I will make it the 26.2 miles in the end.

With ttc, I hav to keep praying that there's an end and it's the one I want!
post #13 of 16
I sometimes feel like *people* make it feel like more of a race than it should be. My sister is 2.5 years younger than me and getting married this year. If she gets pregnant first that's really okay with me. She'll be a great mom. But everyone will be judging, you know?
post #14 of 16
Thread Starter 
i see the race as more of a race against time, my body, natural rhythms, self-healing...not against other people (not for me).......

and i just want to stop the race (charting, meds, etc...)and let my body heal itself and work from a more natural perspective...lose weight, improve my health etc...

but that all takes time...and it seems that is what i don't have...

so i have to stay in the race...or i won't gain what i am seeking...and the price of dropping out is potentially more than i want to pay....

so i am in..against every one of my natural urges and instincts...which are telling me to let it go..improve my health, take the time, and be happy...not longing all the time...depressed over it...my gut tells me that it would be good of me to do this whether or not it leads to having a baby....

but i just can't....
post #15 of 16
Tandy - I tried medical intervention, but it was frustrtating and SO expensive. We basically tried everything except IVF, spent tens of thousands of dollars, and have nothing to show for it except the 4lbs I gained over the last year. THe kicker of it is that they still don't know WHY we can't seem to get pregnant, since I ovulate and DH makes enough swimmers, and we time things right nearly every month. It's enough to make me want to throw things and scream sometimes.

We've taken a break and are back to just charting and trying, and I'm seeing an acupuncturist once a week and working on losing weight. I've decided that if nothing happens by January, we can revisit the idea of IVF again. Until then, its salads and long walks and lots and lots of well-timed BD-ing. I don't know what else I can do.
post #16 of 16

And, I've been Lapped!

I have a friend who was married two years before me. We got married and had our first mc (an ep) a few months later. We had miscarried twice before they miscarried their first. But, then the real stab came- they got pregnant immediately after their mc. They now have an adorable 10 month old baby boy and I just received news that they're 9 wks preg again. What's up with that? We haven't been pregnant since our last mc in 2006. And, now they're going to have another? It's so not fair. We've been lapped again. In the grand face of motherhood, I feel like I'm last.

It's not my friends fault that I'm not preg and she is. It's just the way things are.
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