Originally Posted by ~Shanna~
But I wonder, do the parents who "work harder" do so only because they know they have to? Does my cousin somehow know she has to work harder, or is she less likely to because she thinks there is no difference between disturbed and undisturbed birth?
I can't answer your question univesally, but for me I defintely felt strongly that the way J was brought into the world was not right/ideal/normal and also did feel a great pain at the separation we experienced shortly after his birth. [Imediately after bitrht he was on the other side of the curtained being wiped off anfd I could hear him crying and I remember just crying to Enrcio, "My baby. I want my baby" over and over. And then he was broguht to me but I was still lying down and couldn't exactly hold him, more like he was sort of held on me. And that was for a minute or two and then they took him to be weighed and such while they stitched me up. And we met back in the room 30min later or so. Which was not "bad" for a CS compared to others' stories, but still lightyears from my ideal of going straight from vagina into DS's hands and then directly onto my chest and remaining there for a good long while!] I definitely felt a need to compensate for that. I was planing on kangaroo care, nursing, cosleeping, etc. beforehand anyway, but this made it feel all that more imperetive. Like I better not fail him any further.
But that feeling definitely came from a feeling (IMO knowledge] that the birth was very not ideal. And even though the separation wouldn't have been such and issue in a vaginal hospital birth, I would have felt that was a non-as-gentle-as-possible entrance as well, b/c of the lighting and such. Whereas if I thought that any live birth was a terrific birth then I don't see any reason why I would have worked harder to bond.
It may be that some mothers that have intervention filled births but are planning to breastfeed find breastfeeding more difficult b/c of the interventions. So they have to work harder, spend more time at nursing and that equals more bonding? While I didn't have any serious challenges with breastfeeding, I do know that nursing was the main thing in helping me heal from the birth. And what made me feel like I was actually J's mother, not just his incubator (since I had failed to "give birth" to him.) And so for me
nursing is the thing that facilitated our bonding.
But it is just always hard to talk about any of this without seeming to put certain categories of parent in the non-bonded category, or rather trying to find a way that counts for intention and effort. (Since we don't always choose
to have intervention filled births or not to breastfeed, etc.)
And there is also such a difference between the people I knoiw IRL, and what I find online. IRL, the poeple I know who didn't breastfeed either choose not to or "tried" but found it "too hard" or "didn't have any milk" after a couple of weeks (or even days!). The women who work tirelessly to feed their babies, pumping around the clock, trying every supplement, seeking help from LLL and lactation consultions, feeding donor milk with an SNS, and still not be able to have a fully successful nursing relationship, I've only encountered on the internet.
But there are many other things besides birth where you could pick one and say "that harms the bonding process" but still there are bonded mothers/parents that did that. And they don't think what they did was wrong or harmful to the bonding process, so they certainly were not conciously making up for it. (I'm particularly thinking about circumcision at the moment.)
There are certain practices though where I've never met anyone who really did them and has seemed really bonded to their baby. (Like CIO) In my perception of people I have known personally the mother surely loves the child, but doesn't seem to have the whole "heart wallking around outside of my chest" feeling.
Although someone else might think that is is impossible to spank if you're really bonded, and I've lost myself a couple of times and hit J. (Of course this was followed by lots of crying and apologizing, so maybe that's differenct from a bonding perspective than a routine administration of spanking for infraction XYZ.)
I have more, but it's trickier amount of time being separated from the baby/child stuff which I want to word just so. So, I will stop now, sleep, and try again tomorrow.