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NMY Graduates Love Thread, Part 4 - Page 120

post #2381 of 2423



Dd has starting saying "Big Sister!" at random times. I guess she really is listening to us. Or maybe it's because every stranger we run into asks her if she's going to be a big sister very soon.

I'm totally amazed by how observant she is. She has a little shopping basket that she uses to carry toys around. it also doubles as a doll bed. This morning she put the doll in, turned the basket upright and put a little towel over the basket. I was a little puzzled until I remembered that she saw a baby sleeping in a bucket seat with a blanket draped over her at a meeting the other day. [But also a little sad that she's seen this scenario more often than say, a baby sleeping in a sling. ] I wonder if she'll start draping blankets over the new babe.

edd is one month from today. i'm in denial.
post #2382 of 2423
wow, already! amazing!

so hard to believe! freaks me out.

ryan said today "i think it would be cool if we adopted a little girl."

what? silly man. i've only been saying that for a decade too. what is happening? first, he wants to live clutter free. second, he wants to adopt a girl. what next? who is this man?
post #2383 of 2423
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...00&postcount=7


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnH3SMhPWKk



Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm trying to stay on top of things and give her lots of extra attention. It seems to be helping a bit.


cking, I can't believe how far along you are!
post #2384 of 2423
So cute Maela!
post #2385 of 2423
Hi everyone! I have a few wedding and honeymoon pics up on facebook. I see a few of you have already found them.

Hope you're all well!

post #2386 of 2423
Not sure who administers the NMY group on Facebook, but thought I'd give a heads up that I just requested to join, my initials are EMM. Thanks!
post #2387 of 2423
we have a facebook group? how do i find it? i'm so new to facebook, it's ridiculous.
post #2388 of 2423
congratulations tj! you looked beautiful!
post #2389 of 2423
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
we have a facebook group? how do i find it? i'm so new to facebook, it's ridiculous.
me too!
post #2390 of 2423
Do you guys all remember my L&D cousin who expressed concern that I was going to deliver at a birth center?

She just gave birth to her first this week. Elective C-section. Anaphylactic shock. Hemhorage (sp?). She counts it as a success and will do it this way again.

How is Lorelei doing? Did the holidays shake out the challenges you were facing?
post #2391 of 2423
Quote:
She just gave birth to her first this week. Elective C-section. Anaphylactic shock. Hemhorage (sp?). She counts it as a success and will do it this way again.
Oh.My.Goodness. i'm hoping she was the one who went into anaphylactic shock and not the lo.

i just don't get it.
post #2392 of 2423
Quote:
Originally Posted by farmama View Post
Oh.My.Goodness. i'm hoping she was the one who went into anaphylactic shock and not the lo.

i just don't get it.
ditto.
post #2393 of 2423
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Shanna~ View Post

She just gave birth to her first this week. Elective C-section. Anaphylactic shock. Hemhorage (sp?). She counts it as a success and will do it this way again.
Yikes. I don't get how people can justify this at all as being okay.
post #2394 of 2423
The thing that is making me nuts is that doctors are agreeing to do this despite the evidence and their vow to do no harm. When I see the same community who refuses to do VBAC because it's so "risky" then do elective Csection, I just don't get it.

My midwife, at the panel discussion following The Business of Being Born, responded to comments made during the movie about how the hormone concert of labor facilitates bonding. My MW said that she believed this was true, but that it didn't preclude mothers from bonding with their babies if they had interventions. She said she simply believed that those mothers had to work harder. And she said that, in her experience, they did. Certainly I know of endless examples of parents who had interventions and are intuitive parents. And I also know the norm of interventions versus the norm of non-intuitive parenting. But I wonder, do the parents who "work harder" do so only because they know they have to? Does my cousin somehow know she has to work harder, or is she less likely to because she thinks there is no difference between disturbed and undisturbed birth? I've been thinking about this a lot, as I'm challenged with what I believe to be true about birth and the reality that I know so many parents who ended up with interventions that are still very intuitive with their children.

I'm aware that my cousin probably feels defensive about her choices towards me - she has acted that way in the past (remember the "epidural" high five?). I'm planning on taking them a meal soon, and feel awkward about how to relate to her. Do I ask about the birth? I'd like to spout the politically correct "I respect her choices", but frankly her choice breaks my heart. I'm so sad she lives in a world where she doesn't trust trust birth. I don't know what form my diplomacy will take when I see her. I'm just so sad.

PS Yes, she was the one who had all of the reactions.
post #2395 of 2423
Can I join you ladies? I used to post in the NMY thread way back before there was a graduates thread, but I can't really post there anymore as I finally graduated last July! I've just been feeling like I need some sisterhood lately. I saw this thread on New Posts and it was great to read about the new things all of you are up to.

On the frumpy front: I too, need more clothes. I have an embarrassing tendency to wear my pajama pants and a zippered hoody all day if I'm not going anywhere . That makes me feel frumpy and lazy! I got a couple of pairs of good jeans post baby, but I really need more tops that I can nurse in. I have a few nursing tops MIL gave me from her store (bless her!). My favorite one didn't wash up very well and is now all pilly . I have a couple that are ok, but sort of look like nursing shirts, and not like something I would have worn before. I miss dresses. I had (have) some super cute dresses that I wore before pregnancy, but there's no way I could nurse in them. We are trying to dig ourselves out of debt right now, so I can't really go shopping. I've been experimenting with things I can make. I have plans to make a nursing dress and sweater soon, crossing my fingers it will be a success. Oh, but I was ecstatic to find this dress. Completely nursing accessible (it's a super stretchy knit, the sides pull away easily) and just my style! They had it at the store I do alterations for, so I used my monthly bonus and got it for free!

Babe's asleep, gotta go get things done.
post #2396 of 2423
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Shanna~ View Post
But I wonder, do the parents who "work harder" do so only because they know they have to? Does my cousin somehow know she has to work harder, or is she less likely to because she thinks there is no difference between disturbed and undisturbed birth?
I can't answer your question univesally, but for me I defintely felt strongly that the way J was brought into the world was not right/ideal/normal and also did feel a great pain at the separation we experienced shortly after his birth. [Imediately after bitrht he was on the other side of the curtained being wiped off anfd I could hear him crying and I remember just crying to Enrcio, "My baby. I want my baby" over and over. And then he was broguht to me but I was still lying down and couldn't exactly hold him, more like he was sort of held on me. And that was for a minute or two and then they took him to be weighed and such while they stitched me up. And we met back in the room 30min later or so. Which was not "bad" for a CS compared to others' stories, but still lightyears from my ideal of going straight from vagina into DS's hands and then directly onto my chest and remaining there for a good long while!] I definitely felt a need to compensate for that. I was planing on kangaroo care, nursing, cosleeping, etc. beforehand anyway, but this made it feel all that more imperetive. Like I better not fail him any further.


But that feeling definitely came from a feeling (IMO knowledge] that the birth was very not ideal. And even though the separation wouldn't have been such and issue in a vaginal hospital birth, I would have felt that was a non-as-gentle-as-possible entrance as well, b/c of the lighting and such. Whereas if I thought that any live birth was a terrific birth then I don't see any reason why I would have worked harder to bond.

It may be that some mothers that have intervention filled births but are planning to breastfeed find breastfeeding more difficult b/c of the interventions. So they have to work harder, spend more time at nursing and that equals more bonding? While I didn't have any serious challenges with breastfeeding, I do know that nursing was the main thing in helping me heal from the birth. And what made me feel like I was actually J's mother, not just his incubator (since I had failed to "give birth" to him.) And so for me nursing is the thing that facilitated our bonding.

But it is just always hard to talk about any of this without seeming to put certain categories of parent in the non-bonded category, or rather trying to find a way that counts for intention and effort. (Since we don't always choose to have intervention filled births or not to breastfeed, etc.)
And there is also such a difference between the people I knoiw IRL, and what I find online. IRL, the poeple I know who didn't breastfeed either choose not to or "tried" but found it "too hard" or "didn't have any milk" after a couple of weeks (or even days!). The women who work tirelessly to feed their babies, pumping around the clock, trying every supplement, seeking help from LLL and lactation consultions, feeding donor milk with an SNS, and still not be able to have a fully successful nursing relationship, I've only encountered on the internet.

But there are many other things besides birth where you could pick one and say "that harms the bonding process" but still there are bonded mothers/parents that did that. And they don't think what they did was wrong or harmful to the bonding process, so they certainly were not conciously making up for it. (I'm particularly thinking about circumcision at the moment.)

There are certain practices though where I've never met anyone who really did them and has seemed really bonded to their baby. (Like CIO) In my perception of people I have known personally the mother surely loves the child, but doesn't seem to have the whole "heart wallking around outside of my chest" feeling.

Although someone else might think that is is impossible to spank if you're really bonded, and I've lost myself a couple of times and hit J. (Of course this was followed by lots of crying and apologizing, so maybe that's differenct from a bonding perspective than a routine administration of spanking for infraction XYZ.)

I have more, but it's trickier amount of time being separated from the baby/child stuff which I want to word just so. So, I will stop now, sleep, and try again tomorrow.
post #2397 of 2423
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Shanna~ View Post
I'm aware that my cousin probably feels defensive about her choices towards me - she has acted that way in the past (remember the "epidural" high five?). I'm planning on taking them a meal soon, and feel awkward about how to relate to her. Do I ask about the birth? I'd like to spout the politically correct "I respect her choices", but frankly her choice breaks my heart. I'm so sad she lives in a world where she doesn't trust trust birth. I don't know what form my diplomacy will take when I see her. I'm just so sad.

PS Yes, she was the one who had all of the reactions.
I wouldn't ask about the birth. I would just ask how she's feeling, gush over how cute the baby is and leave it at that.
post #2398 of 2423
Angelorum, congrats on your baby! Come on in We haven't had any newbies come join us so please do!

Shanna, yeah, I would try to keep it as neutral as possible even though it makes you cringe.
post #2399 of 2423
We are doing well. DD's sleep is still not ideal, by which I mean bedtime resistance. I know that we had some of that before the transition from the family bed so I am trying not to blame it on that. DH thinks it is obviously that and I am in denial about it due to my guilt. Anyway, although she is up when she "shouldn't" be she is incredibly fun and I have decided to just enjoy her (while still encouraging sleep). I mean, most kids have trouble with bedtimes at some point in their lives, so it is not like I totally broke her by doing this weird thing, yk? She outed herself as a former cosleeper at school the other day, and I felt embarrassed, which DH found really odd.
post #2400 of 2423
i, too, would just gush about the baby and tell the mother that she looks fabulous and you are so happy for her and happy that she is doing so well (unless she's complaining, in which case you can say in a more sympathetic tone, "you're doing so great; i'm proud of you.")

honestly, ive been in similar situations with other mamas and this is how i function. i was a the play-cafe on saturday, and talked to a mama there who launched into her birth story to me after i complemented her on her cutie pie baby.

it was a nightmare. i listened intently and i noted where she seemed upset and said "that sounds pretty traumatic; i'm so thankful that you are both safe and on the mend."

of course, she was a stranger. she then asked me about my birth, and i said "we were blessed that it was very uneventful." and left it at that. Ryan noted that she seemed so much more comfortable and grounded after that, and she and i exchanged emails and have chatted a bit. and he said he was very proud of me for listening so intently, supporting her gently, and completely avoiding a comparison game or spouting off about my awesome, playful, pleasurable UC.

i talk to hawk about it quite a bit though.

----

anyway, we're moving next week. we were told we can come on a tourist visa for 3 months and the LTBV should be through before that ends.

YES!
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Mothering › Mothering Forums › Welcome to Mothering! › Connect With Other Moms › NMY Graduates Love Thread, Part 4