Need advice...inappropriate text messages

[Eaglevoice]

My step-daughter just turned 12. She's had a rough life, with her mom abandoning her more than once. Now she lives with her grandmother (dh's mom). She's been bounced all over the place and it's really taken a toll on her emotionally. She is also very tall, 5'9'' and a little bit on the chubby side, so she gets teased a lot at school. But she's beautiful and because she is so tall, she could easily pass for someone 16 years old if she tried.

Recently, I've been checking up on her MySpace page and I've noticed that she's been using a lot of swear words and there have been a few inappropriate sexual comments by boys on her page. She spent the weekend with us, and spent the majority of the time glued to her cell phone, text messaging. One of the mornings, my 1yo got a hold of dsd's cell phone while dsd was still asleep. I couldn't help myself...I checked her text messages and I was floored when I read what she had been writing to this boy. They were litterally having text sex . She just turned 12! I was sooooo sad for her when I read what she was writing. How does she even know about half the things she was saying???? It really scares me because this is going to desensitize her in a way, yk? Like when it really comes down to making the decision whether to say no or yes in a real life situation, it will be much easier for her to say yes since she's been texting like this already. I didn't get a chance to talk to her about it before she left to go back to her grandma's house. I just don't even know where to start. I've talked with her about sex before. We've had "the talk." Part of me thinks that she should loose all text message privilages, but her grand parents are the ones paying for her phone, so ultimately it would be up to them. I havent talked to her grandma about it yet. I'm just at a complete loss here. Please give me some advice, mama's. :

[ma_vie_en_rose]

Have you talked to your DH about this? That is where I would start. I would also be very curious if she is sexually active already. If that were my DSD, I know that DH would take her phone away altogether until he felt she was more mature to handle it. As for myspace, we would probably (despite that they should be 14 to use it according to myspace's rules) let her keep the account as long as we have the password, but we would monitor it strictly. I would want to see comments and in and out-going messages.

At any rate, it is clear that she is doing inappropriate things with the amount of freedom she has with using technology. It is something that needs to be discussed with the grandparents to come up with a plan of action for handling it. Then you all need to present the issue to DSD to show that you are all on board with it and to illustrate how inappropriate and unsafe her behavior is. Good luck.

[ziggy]

To throw it out there, if you simply report her myspace page as an underage user, they will delete it. She won't necessairly know it was you. My little sister didn't know it was me that was having her myspace pages deleted for two years. She kept friending me and going "Ugh, myspace deleted my profile again! Anyway, friend me!" I finally told her last month.

*eye roll*

As for texting... I'd just tell her grandparents that you don't think she should have texting - but make sure they get texting turned off, and not just get rid of their texting plan. Otherwise the phone company just turns a pretty penny by charging twenty cents per text.

If it helps at all, I had a lot of texts when I was 13/14 that would have made my mother cringe, and they were all jokes. The guy I did it with had this wierd "let's make entirely inappropriate sexual advances at eachother" joke going on. He was super gay, I was an out lesbian, and it really was all a dumb joke. So she's not necessairly doing these things, or thinking about actually doing these things.

[Eaglevoice]

Originally Posted by ma_vie_en_rose

Have you talked to your DH about this? That is where I would start.

Unfortunately, DH hasn't always been there for her either. I'm the only one she counts on to be a "real" parent and I'm not even blood related. It's hard because I'm in a weird place where her mom is almost totally out of the picture, her dad is just sort of there, but not there, because he's never really had to be there, if that makes any sense? Her grandparents have full legal custody of her, but they are so busy with their own lives that it is much easier for them to buy her a lap top, a cell phone, an iPod, etc and let her do what she wants. I feel like I'm the only one watching what she's doing.

[mtiger]

Maybe it's time to kick Dad halfway to Sunday and tell him to step up to the plate. He should be kissing the ground his mother walks on for taking on his responsibility - regardless of how poorly she may be doing it.

[Mama2Bug]

Originally Posted by Eaglevoice

Unfortunately, DH hasn't always been there for her either.

I'd guess that, at the present time, this may be a huge part of the problem in the first place. Many studies have shown that girls who don't receive enough attention from their fathers or a father-like figure seek male attention elsewhere- and not always in the most appropriate ways.

What has your husband said about the text messages?

[MadameXCupcake]

Unfortunately thats pretty normal.
My mother would have had a heart attack if she saw some of the things I said in IM or texted. One good thing, I think because I said it in IM or text in person I was much more reserved and well behaved. xD
I really don't know what to say parenting wise as my daughter is only 5 months.
I know when my parents took away internet usage[not for anything bad] but because they wanted me to go outside more, I was furious. It really hurt my relationship with them. Just tread carefully.

As for myspace, she could always make a new one and hide it, just get on at friends houses, friends cell phones, etc. I know I'm not there yet with my daughter but when the time comes I think I'm just going to remember what I did and try not too look at her stuff. I know I was quite a bit different in person and didn't even have sex till I was over 18![I'm only 20 now so all this stuff wasn't that long ago]

Good Luck.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Maybe it's time to kick Dad halfway to Sunday and tell him to step up to the plate. He should be kissing the ground his mother walks on for taking on his responsibility - regardless of how poorly she may be doing it.

This. I hate to say it, but he may be part of the reason she's acting the way she is. If your DSD isn't getting the attention she NEEDS and CRAVES from her father (a very important male role model) she will seek it elsewhere, as she already is. She needs a male figure to show her how she deserves to be treated. She's not getting this. I hate to say it but this is unlikely to get better anytime soon unless someone (DAD) really steps in and changes things

On a related note.... my dad was paying for my cell phone (kinda, it was on his plan but I was paying him the monthly charges). It died so he told me to leave it with him and he'd try to fix it or buy a new one (he has the exact same one and his battery works in my phone, so we're thinking it just needs a new battery). After I left his house I realized if he did get it turned back on, there were some soooo not appropriate text messages on there Oh boy, was I embarrassed when I realized that! And you know what.... I'm 24 years old and this only happened a month ago : AND I'm in a committed relationship (living with dp) and I'm sure dad knows we're having sex but.... there's something about your father stumbling upon those things.... not cool. (And we live 2 states away so I can't just sneak back over there and delete the messages)

[DoingDoing:Julie]

Originally Posted by Mama2Bug

I'd guess that, at the present time, this may be a huge part of the problem in the first place. Many studies have shown that girls who don't receive enough attention from their fathers or a father-like figure seek male attention elsewhere- and not always in the most appropriate ways.

WOW! My sisters and I always struggled with our controlling our sexuality in highschool. Some of us more than others, but all of us in one way or another. The weird thing is that our parents were ultra strict mormons/LDS and kept the rains in tight, with bi-weekly trips to church, etc! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN???? Your comment made me wonder if it was because my parents had so many kids (10 in all) that there wasnt enough attention from our parents, particularly our father who was the full time worker, and often kept to himself, though he was a great dad otherwise. My mom was great too, but was ultra stict (too strict) and never EVER spoke to us about sex other than, "chastity is the only way, until marriage".
I want my girls to love their bodies, and treasure their virginity/sexuality, and not spread it around to every guy they date! Maybe the fathers are the key here!

[DoingDoing:Julie]

Originally Posted by MadameXCupcake

Unfortunately thats pretty normal.
My mother would have had a heart attack if she saw some of the things I said in IM or texted. One good thing, I think because I said it in IM or text in person I was much more reserved and well behaved. xD
I really don't know what to say parenting wise as my daughter is only 5 months.
I know when my parents took away internet usage[not for anything bad] but because they wanted me to go outside more, I was furious. It really hurt my relationship with them. Just tread carefully.

As for myspace, she could always make a new one and hide it, just get on at friends houses, friends cell phones, etc. I know I'm not there yet with my daughter but when the time comes I think I'm just going to remember what I did and try not too look at her stuff. I know I was quite a bit different in person and didn't even have sex till I was over 18![I'm only 20 now so all this stuff wasn't that long ago]

Good Luck.

Yes, I am also 20 so this is fresh in my head too.
She will not understand the harm in text/myspace innapropriate things. If you take it away she will hate you, not listen to any wise advise you have in the future, and feel like you are an enemy. BAD SITUATION. And she'll access it anyways at school, friends, or make a new one. ALSO if you moniter it, she will be really hurt at the obvious mis-trust.
What would happen if you two, woman to woman, had a long conversation about the consequenses of having/talking about/pretending sexual things. Maybe the two of you could get some literature together to talk about how beautiful and wonderful sex is, and how wonderful it is when you wait for the right person! Maybe if you express that you understand her physical needs, that her body is ready to be close to a man/guy/boy and ask her how she feels about waiting, because her mind has SO much more to learn about first. Maybe you can share some personal experiences. I wish my mom had talked about the regret she had for the sex she had in highschool. We all knew she had it, and regretted it, but she pretended it didnt happen because she thought it would influence us poorly. Maybe you could turn the conversation around, and bring up the point that these boys arent ready to make love to HER. They dont think of relationships yet the way she does, their sexual urges can be stronger, and dont understand how special it is to her yet.
The problem with young girls is that they REALLY BELIEVE that their current boyfriend is their life long lover. That is why the feel comfortable giving him all that they have. I thought I was going to marry EVERY guy I dated, from age 12-17.
I wouldnt take away text messaging, because text messaging isnt the issue!!!! I'm sure she has lots of innocent conversations with her girl friends as well. You cant handle sexuality with punishment, it is too deliquite, and complex. "if you type about sex, we will take it away" doesnt work here!!! Its not the phone that makes her feel this way.
Sorry, i've said too much. This is a subject I put ALOT of thought into. I wish Ic ould be a sexual therapist specializing in teen issues or something like that! Maybe I will!!

[Scribe]

I know this isn't in keeping with the other comments, but I have to say it: if my stepmother had invaded my privacy that way when I was a preteen, our relationship would have been over. Seriously.

[Leslie513]

i've had talks with younger cousins of mine when I saw them doing age inappropriate things, and it always made me feel awkward and old. i know you have a different power dynamic going on with her, step mom and all, but for what its worth.... i think the most meaningful talk I had with one of my cousins (and she later told me that it had a big effect on her) went like this:

I told her that I thought being her age SUCKED, and you could not pay me enough money in the world to go back to being 14. I told her that life got so much better for me when I was older and went to college and got to do cool things on my own. I also told her that now that I am older, I feel sad for the girls who were cool and had boyfriends when they were 12-15, because that seemed to be the best time of their lives. I mean, you could even use the example of teen stars in pop culture, like britney, who was cool at age 14. Lets see how miley turns out, and hopefully its better, but i think it does more harm than good to be a cool kid at that age.

[DoingDoing:Julie]

Originally Posted by Leslie513

i've had talks with younger cousins of mine when I saw them doing age inappropriate things, and it always made me feel awkward and old. i know you have a different power dynamic going on with her, step mom and all, but for what its worth.... i think the most meaningful talk I had with one of my cousins (and she later told me that it had a big effect on her) went like this:

I told her that I thought being her age SUCKED, and you could not pay me enough money in the world to go back to being 14. I told her that life got so much better for me when I was older and went to college and got to do cool things on my own. I also told her that now that I am older, I feel sad for the girls who were cool and had boyfriends when they were 12-15, because that seemed to be the best time of their lives. I mean, you could even use the example of teen stars in pop culture, like britney, who was cool at age 14. Lets see how miley turns out, and hopefully its better, but i think it does more harm than good to be a cool kid at that age.

What a great talk!! I would think that would be a good one.

[Eaglevoice]

Well, we had the talk and I felt like it went perfectly. Her dad and I sat down with her and told her that I had seen the text messages. We explained to her that these feelings were completely normal and very confusing for a girl her age. We made sure that she knew that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that we were in no way disappointed or upset. We talked about sex and the emotions that go along with it. I told her that the only thing I was concerned with was that she could desensitize herself in a way that it would make it easier to say yes when in a real life situation. Her dad was awesome, he just talked about it from a young man's perspective and we talked about the difference in emotional attachments between guys and girls steming from sexual relationships. We told her that it was completely 100% her decision as to when, where and with whom she decided to lose her virginity. We talked about STD's and pregnancy. And I told her that if and when she was ready, I would take get her birth control, no questions asked. We talked about personal experiences, experiences our friends had, date rape, and all that. It was really awesome. I felt like the whole experience was really positive and she felt good about it, too. She asked questions, we answered them honestly. In the end she thanked us for "being so cool about it."

[Eaglevoice]

Originally Posted by avengingophelia

I know this isn't in keeping with the other comments, but I have to say it: if my stepmother had invaded my privacy that way when I was a preteen, our relationship would have been over. Seriously.

I totally understand. We just have a different sort of relationship. We are really close, and she thinks of me as "mom" as opposed to "stepmom."