I'm getting so scared

[grniys]

I'm not sure if I should have put this in my due date club section or here, but I figure it's about birth, so that's why I'm posting it here. Mods, if it's in the wrong section I totally understand if you move it.

Anyway, I had my son 15 months ago. I had a natural birth in a hospital with my wonderful, amazing doula. My husband was in Iraq, so she was really my only support at the time. It was so, so much harder than I thought. I was in labor for 33 hours and just felt like it was never going to end. After I had him I swore I was never giving birth again, and if I did have more kids they would be c-sections. (I know, I know, elective c sections are bad. But it was just so emotionally hard.)

As time went on I started blocking things out. Now, I'm remembering how I was crying during labor between contractions because I wanted my husband. I remember how scared I was. I remember how much I NEEDED my doula- who was a very close friend of mine- and I truly couldn't have done it without her. I needed her emotional support, and she was there for me all the way.

I'm so scared. I'm due in January and we found out not too long ago my husband will be deployed again when the baby is born. I'm new in this city and don't have any friends here yet. I certainly don't have a doula.

And an even bigger thing is my midwife last time ROCKED. She supported me completely. I couldn't labor in bed. She didn't make me. I spent hours upon hours in the shower. I refused an IV, and she made the nurses back off. My wireless monitors fell off in the shower, and the nurse freaked out, but my midwife made her back off. I didn't want to push in bed. I tried for a few hours, but he just wasn't coming. So she let me push in the shower and I actually gave birth in the shower. She was a homebirth midwife for 27 years before she went to work for the military as a midwife, so she really let me be in charge of my birth. I needed that.

My son had some complications so she informed me immediatly and explained why I wouldn't get to hold him at first. And she respected my birth plan 100%.

I won't have my amazing doula or midwife this time, and I'm just feeling really alone and scared. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I will get a doula in the next few months, of course. I'm just waiting to see if I'll be eligable through an organization for a free one since my husband will be deployed or not.

The weird thing is before I had my son I wasn't scared of childbirth. I wasn't nervous or worried. Now, I'm just feeling so unsure of everything.

I do want to have my baby in a hospital. Both my son and I had some complications last time, and while that doesn't mean it will happen this time, I just wouldn't feel comfortable with any "what ifs" that would be going through my mind at home or a birthing center. I think it's awesome that other women have home births, but they're just not for me.

I guess I'm just wanting to know what I can do to feel more sure of myself and my body. My biggest fear is being stuck in a bed for hours on end, writhing with pain because they won't allow me to birth the way I want. What are my rights when in the hospital? Can I refuse to be in the bed? What should I do?

I just needed to talk to someone about this, and I figure the mama's at MDC are so empowered and in charge of their births that maybe you could give me advice and make me feel more confident. I don't want to talk to my husband about this because I don't want him to worry about me. He has enough on his mind as it is. Sorry for the super long post.

[kltroy]

I'm so sorry you're going to be without your husband and in a new place for your baby's birth. That has to be very difficult to think about. Do you have other family members who might be supportive and can help you? Maybe you mom or sister or someone in addition to the doula that you're going to get?

Either way, I think picking up a copy of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and reading some of the great birth stories in it - as well as some of the great stories here (my fabulous VBAC birth story is linked in my sig if you're interested) - can help you regain your confidence in your ability to give birth peacefully. Yes, it's NEVER easy, but as you know it's ALWAYS worth it.

[grniys]

Thanks, I'll see if I can find that book on amazon. I'm buying a few other books as well, so hey, I'll combine and get free shipping.

As for the family thing, no, I don't. My mom and I haven't spoken in years, don't talk to most of the rest of my family. My aunt would gladly come if she could afford it, but she wouldn't respect my birthing choices or a lot of my parenting choices, and I think that might cause more conflict than it would help.

I'm also tempted to ask MIL to come. Not for the birth, but to help out with my son. We're not close, but we don't despise each other like we have in the past. I don't really want her here, but I think I may need her here. It's something I'm considering but unsure about.

[wbg]

You are an amazing, beautiful woman who gave birth to her beautiful baby boy. You did have an amazing support team, but they did not give birth naturally to your baby...YOU DID! And you can do it again! I know it must be so difficult to do this without your partner by your side. And to be by yourself in a new area. But take a deep breath. You have a little time to spend researching your local options. Also, try posting this in the finding your tribe section where your new city is. You might find some lovely support there. We move around a lot and I find that people can be very supportive when they realise you do not have any family support close by. Don't be afraid to reach out to people who have similar values to you. I also agree with the pp's post about Ina Mays books. I also read a great one by Dianne Gregg and just searched for inspirational birth books/stories. You can start with your own. I know it was hard but you sounded like you did an unbelievable job and gave your baby the best welcome into the world. I understand about the family factor. I am not that close to my own family and our outlook on birth and parenting are poles apart. I prefer not to have them and their negative energy around when I am birthing. I choose to surround myself only with people who will help empower me with positive energy. When you do find a doula, share this post with her and help her understand your fears so she can help guide you to the same inner strength that got you through your last birth. Also consider a homeopath for some calming soothing remedies for your fears. Take good care of yourself and I am going to keep an eye out in January for your birth story. Big hugs to you!

[Sudonk]

Congratulations on your new baby, and on doing such a heroic job of bringing your first baby into the world! I'm sorry to hear that your husband will be deployed again. My heart goes out to both of you, because it has to be as crushing for him as it is for you.

There are several resources that will help you become confident and assured again!

First, please check out http://www.operationspecialdelivery.com/ to find a doula in your area. I know it is available where I am located, and if there isn't a volunteer already signed up in the area where a mom needs one, they will do everything they can to find a local doula willing to work with her.

Secondly, please take a look at www.hypnobabies.com. I was petrified of birth prior to having my first, to the point where I initially discussed adoption with my husband, then considered an elective c-section when I was pregnant. I was very skeptical about the use of hypnosis for birth because it sounded kind of "out-there" and I am pretty firmly main-stream. But as I learned more about hypnosis, I found out that it is a perfectly normal part of our everyday lives and normal brain functioin, and Hypnobabies simply teaches women to consciously use skills they already utilize daily. (When we're absorbed in a good book or focused on a movie or TV show, we're in self-hypnosis. When we get focused while exercising, that is self-hypnosis. Every time we drift off to sleep or wake up, we automatically go through a state of self-hypnosis, etc.) Finally, I learned the techniques and put them to use during my births - all three of them! I was amazed to find that, even with my first birth that lasted over 24 hours, complete with 16 hours of intense back labor, a nasty uterine spasm and shoulder dystocia, the skills worked beautifully! For all my births I was totally comfortable, never experiencing anything beyond the discomfort of a minor menstrual cramp. Even more important to me was the fact that I was completely in control using the Hypnobabies Eyes Open Childbirth Hypnosis, able to talk, move around and interact easily while maintaining my confidence and focus. It is available as a live class in many places, or can be done as a Home Study anywhere (that's how I learned it). It is written to be learned by women doing the program with or without a partner, so having your husband deployed won't change the effectiveness. It includes not only excellent relaxation tools that will help you build your confidence and decrease your stress, but also a powerful Fear Release script that allows you to acknowledge and take control of your fears, casting them away so they can't prey on your confidence or happiness. If you go to www.pregnancybirthandbabies.com, there are great articles and birth stories written by women who have used Hypnobabies. There is also a great introduction recording about Hypnobabies and a sample relaxation script so you can see what it means to "practice hypnosis". The link for that is http://tinyurl.com/6bbw7j

Good luck, and please know that you can and will do an incredible job bringing this baby into the world!

[elanorh]

Hey there,

I don't know her (I just read her blog occasionally) - but I know there is a lay midwife in San Diego who seems like she would be good to contact. Her blog is navelgazingmidwife .... I was just watching birth videos on Youtube and noticed that she is in San Diego too. Her youtube video says her practice is called "Ama Mama" .... I believe she is former military or a former military wife, as well.

HTH .... You've birthed naturally before and you can do it again. You're stronger than you know.

ETA: I think she does both hospital and home births; and she works with an OB she calls "Dr. Wonderful" who I would choose as an OB if I was working with an OB and in the area there. I'm sure she'd know who to refer you to, in terms of a doula or hospital midwife or etc.

[grniys]

Thanks for the support everyone.

Sudonk, I have my form filled out for operation special delivery and just need to send it off. Thanks for all your info. I'll also look into hypnobabies. I did a pretty good job at relaxing last time until about the 25th hour or so, but I'll be sure to check that out.

wbg, thanks for the reminder to let my doula know how scared I really am. Now that you mention it, I do think it's important she know just how I feel exactly. So yeah, I'll do that. Thanks.

elanorh, I'll try to find her blog and check it out.

[Kessed]

I hear where you're coming from.

I had a long (24 hours) labor with DD and I eventually delivered her in my birth pool at home. On the surface it was a wonderful birth.

But now that I'm pregnant again - I'm remember everything that happened. I remember how hopeless I felt as I neared transition. I remember how much I just wanted it all to end. I remember how it felt as the contractions just kept coming one after another, over and over and over and over. I would have given ANYTHING for a pause button. I just wanted to be able to breath and rest for a few minutes.

It's almost overwhelming.

Then I remember something that someone told me before I had DD. And that's that the baby always comes out. It always ends. You don't stay in labor forever. Every contraction is one closer to delivering the baby. Each overwhelming moment gets you one step closer to holding your baby.

And that makes me feel better.

I hope this helps.

[_betsy_]

Also, try to remember that every birth is different, and women tend to labor more quickly the second (third, fourth, etc.) time around.

Do what you can now to find an amazing caregiver/s. Tell her/them your concerns, your past, your fears, your questions.

You know you can do it. You've done it before. Surround yourself with people you trust and who will support you.

I can't even imagine facing that situation once, let alone twice. Hugs.