relationship with child's teacher

[mamatoady]

Like every other mother out there, I want my daughter to have a fantastic year in kindergarten and I want to know as much as possible about what she is doing and what's going on in the classroom. I also want to see that my daughter is being treated with respect and dignity and not shunned (she is generally very shy and quiet in public settings). I want to be careful not to overstep my bounds with the teacher to assure that she is well-treated.

I guess my problem is that I want to form a relationship with her teacher and school that allows me to be as active as possible in her education, but I don't want to look like a b@#$, obnoxious, PIA or anything else negative from the teacher's eye. To be frank, I'm afraid her teacher isn't going to like me and any time I open my mouth she's going to be like "Oh, here's Mrs. N again, would ya shut up already?"

Isn't this horrible? I'm so frickin' vain, right? Maybe this is some deep seated childhood issue or maybe it's because my mom was a high school teacher and I remember her talking bad about certain parents and kids (there were also some she raved about)....

I guess I feel like in order to form a good relationship with teacher, I have to keep my mouth shut, never offer suggestions, ask minimal questions and be the home support for everything that she sees fit.....this feels difficult for me because I have always been the director of my daughter's surroundings and I feel like now I am surrenduring that position to someone I haven't even met yet.

does anyone else feel like this?
do any teachers out there have advice or thoughts for me?

sarah

[kmeyrick]

Here's how to be the mom I wish would adopt me in my classroom:

1. Be nice to me, dammit! If I change my hair, compliment it.
2. Bring in all papers to be signed like permission slips promptly, to show you care about my stress level. (We teachers hate the anxiety of who might not get to go.)
3. Offer to help during holidaycelebrations and offer to chaperone. We are always grateful for volunteers.
4. Contact us during an appropriate time to do so, and try to schedule ahead of time. This helps you out to- it'd be annoying to try to talk to a teacher that needs to run out to pick her kid up from day care.

That's it, really. You sound like a nice person, I'm sure that will shine through.

ETA, I guess if you tried to tell the teacher how to do her job, being flaky, snarky, or pushy would backfire. Really, it's the same in any other situation. There's no magic trick or trap, and you should do fine. Relax. All we do is teach the curriculum and hopefully teach them to be excited about the world of learning. Still, we're just one part in that. We're assistants, really. The rest will still be within your hands and your heart.

[supervee]

What a thoughtful question and response. This should be a sticky!

[HeidiAnn67]

I worry that I'm the parent the teacher hates LOL

I actually WORK in a Middle School, so that adds to my stress.
I hear the teachers bitch about the parents who are overly invovled, the parents who aren't involved enough, who are "stupid", and on and on and on.

But, I've decided my children are more important then what the teacher thinks. I email my son's teacher when I feel something needs to be addressed (much less likely now that he's going to be a Senior, I let him deal with his problems), but at the same time I don't try to control the class in any way.

Heck, one of my closest friends was my son's Social Studies Teacher in 8th grade and I didn't say anything when she got him suspended LOL (we still laugh about that to this day actually).

I guess I'm just babbling here, but what I've learned is yes, the teacher may not be crazy about me, but without being overly pushy I'm going to speak up when necessary. If that made any sense. My youngest is starting Kindy next week so I get to do this ALL OVER AGAIN.

[lightheart]

I had the K shyness/what do I or don't I say to the teacher last year... now I've got it again for 1st grade!

I keep telling myself... this lady has been a teacher as long as I have been alive and I'm sure my silly questions have been asked a thousand times over the years and that no matter what I would say I'm not going to be the most obnoxious parent she has delt with... Lets hope though that my kids don't ever get a 1st year teacher because then I might just earn those labels.

I have to remember though that my son is a whale to me but only a little fish in her ocean. I try not to ask too many questions all at once and to have a list of things that I have thought out before I go in.

I wish they had a parellel class for parents to go to designed to teach us the ropes of school!

[skiingmamma]

My son just started Kindergarten and from the first moment I met his teacher she wouldn't even look me in the eye much, very distrtacted, and I understand the needs of the teacher to take care of her own responsibilities, but I've not seen her really smile a lot, and that scares me. I find myself trying to accomodate other people, even when I shouldn't, so when she talked to me about my son, I started catering to her thoughts and wishes for him to be more like the rest of the students in their lack of attention to detail (ds is very focused and doesn't like to walk away from an activity until he is satisfied, and it's his first seperation experience). Later, I realized that I was acting in the same way as some here, not wanting to be an annoying, overprotective parent. But in the last few days, I realized I care more about my son's emotional developement than being liked.
So, I would agree with others here in that you just be a kind person, that'll get you everywhere with someone really interested in helping and loving children. And if a conflict arose, you could never be accused of being unreasonable. But, definitley stand your ground in the interest of your children.

I wish I could have a good relationship with the teacher! It seems like that would help the teacher want to be patient and tender, instead of just a job to get through till the end of the day. But, a good teacher treats the kids with respect and kindness regardless of what they think of their parents!!!!

[mamatoady]

thank you all for the responses!

One question I have is who do I ask questions of regarding

"how closely are the school's philosophies followed?" We are sending our dd to a school that follows the teachings of William Glasser (Choice Theory Quality School) and there are some very specific things I want to see that they are following, but my mom reminded me that it is charter PUBLIC school and not private and therefore may not b e able to follow everything to a Tee.

For example. Glasser says that absolutely NO academic instruction should take place in the classroom until there has been sufficient time for the teacher and students to get to know each other and form relationships. Generallhy 2-3 weeks at the start of the school year.

Also, that homework should ONLY be given for tasks the child can already do--just as practice and to cement it into their little brains.

Do I question the teacher? the principal? secretaries?

I'll probably come up with a lot of these questions, mostly because I was trained in Choice Theory and possible have had more training than some of the teachers at her school (I do not intend on telling anyone up there of this)...but if they aren't following these guidelines that I agree with--there's not much reason to have my kids in that school...

sarah

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I'm not a teacher, but I've worked as a semi-staff member at the private school my kids attend for the last 10 years or so. So I hear and see a lot. After overhearing teacher's conversations for years, I've adopted the following guidelines for myself:

1. Read absolutely everything that comes home.
2. Give teachers the benefit of the doubt until you have clarified anything you question. Kids don't always get the whole story correct or understand the big picture.
3. Unless its a safety issue, wait and see before jumping to conclusions. OP -- in your case, I would definitely watch for a bit before asking lots of specific questions.
4. Ask questions / offer suggestions away from the hearing of the kids. But ask questions!
5. If you want them to change something, go into the conversation with a practical realistic suggestion for what they could do. This is sort of the parent-teacher application of "tell kids what they can do, not what they can't do".
6. Be polite, kind, respectful and helpful. They are people -- they appreciate being treated well. And I always assume they have a headache -- because I would if I spent all day with kids!
7. Always talk to the teacher before moving up the chain of command.
8. Teachers like parents who care about their kids and are supportive of their education.

[Oriole]

I teach, and I understand that your baby is your baby. You have certain sincerity in your post, and that will save you from being overbearing. Just be honest about your concerns, and I think a good teacher will see the situation for what it is: a mom worrying about her child. It's as simple as that. It doesn't make you are horrible parent.

*** You want to be involved? Great! I'll tell you how you can help.
*** You want to offer suggestions? I promise I will listen to them.
*** Just remember to look at the classroom from my point of view, once in a while, and I'm sure we'll get along.

Of course you are welcome to give suggestions, as long as you realize my limitations as a human being in charge of 20 little ones. You want the best for your kids, and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Things I don't like: parents making excuses for their child's mean or cruel behavior; parents pressuring their child to get all As; parents that just don't care; parents talking badly about other parents and other teachers; parents showing up without giving a call first, and expecting me to find time for them during a busy day.

[mommy68]

When my DD started kindergarten last year I was sure to go to the orientation meeting. At that meeting her teacher introduced herself and told a lot about her past and her education and how long she had been teaching, her likes/dislikes, things like that. She also sent a letter to us by mail going over some of the same type of stuff. I volunteered to help out in the classroom and also got to know her that way. I was careful not to get in the way or offer unwanted advice or opinions. But I was there and let her know I would help out when I could and stuff like that. I got to know her over the course of the year in that way.

The teacher also gave us her cell phone number as well as her phone number at the school that had a voice mail on it. I also had her e-mail and she was very good about responding in a timely manner to emails. Plus, she sent home folders for the children three times a week and a letter each Monday for the parents.

If your child's teacher is an experienced teacher then she will know how you are feeling right now and will understand.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

I'm not a teacher, but I've worked as a semi-staff member at the private school my kids attend for the last 10 years or so. So I hear and see a lot. After overhearing teacher's conversations for years, I've adopted the following guidelines for myself:

1. Read absolutely everything that comes home.
2. Give teachers the benefit of the doubt until you have clarified anything you question. Kids don't always get the whole story correct or understand the big picture.
3. Unless its a safety issue, wait and see before jumping to conclusions. OP -- in your case, I would definitely watch for a bit before asking lots of specific questions.
4. Ask questions / offer suggestions away from the hearing of the kids. But ask questions!
5. If you want them to change something, go into the conversation with a practical realistic suggestion for what they could do. This is sort of the parent-teacher application of "tell kids what they can do, not what they can't do".
6. Be polite, kind, respectful and helpful. They are people -- they appreciate being treated well. And I always assume they have a headache -- because I would if I spent all day with kids!
7. Always talk to the teacher before moving up the chain of command.
8. Teachers like parents who care about their kids and are supportive of their education.

I find this is all very sage advice.

Also, it helps to be really thoughtful of the teacher in general, and of giving thoughtful (though inexpensive) gifts for the teacher during holidays. Even a $5 gift card to the local bookstore with a note to be used either on herself, or on a book for the classroom. Lots of teachers dip into their own pockets to buy extra supplies for those that don't have enough (some parents in some districts simply can't afford the basics).

[SpringMom]

Ahh...threads like this make me excited to head back to my classroom! I wish more parents were like all of you! Thank you for thinking of ways to work with your teacher, school and student to make a productive year!

[Amys1st]

My oldest is going into first grade now, so I have a K grade under my belt!

First, I dont know if you know people already who have been at the school awhile. Is there a PTA or another sort of parent teacher club which the principal or director also sits in on? A lot of times, they can answer a lot of the questions until you learn the ropes of the school experience.

What I do know,

Do introduce yourself to the teacher at orientation, meet the teacher, whatever and offer where you can help. That could mean helping in the classroom, making copies for the teacher, cutting out stuff for a project, sitting with small groups to read, buying extra snacks for the kids who forget or cannot afford, volunteer for field trips, room parent, there are all kinds of things you can do to stay in touch w the teacher and staff at the school. Maybe even something little like when it snows, help the kids get the boots, snowpants etc off and hung to dry before school. Go in a few minutes early before school ends and help the kids get the stuff on to go home. Its hard to get 20 kids ready after a wet snowstorm in the morning!

Dont bombard the teacher. Do one or two of the previous suggestions, not all. Let another parent pick up another task. IF you have questions, set up a time when she is not crazy w 20 kids.

Do read all the stuff in your DC's backpacks. Send back signed notices the next day, make sure you child has all the things they need that day. Whether its a pair of gym shoes, their lunch or a finished sheet of practice from the night before.

Dont just send the $2 needed for a field trip in your dc's pocket. Invest in a package of envelopes and label the envelope with the teachers name, your child's name and what is in the envelope=
FIELD TRIP MONEY for E Smith. Miss Teacher name- K
otherwise the child just hands the teacher money and with all the chaos in the classroom who knows if she knows who the $2 is for. Or if the envelope gets dropped, it will get back to the teacher.

Do get to know the other parents. Sounds silly, but sometimes others will not introduce themselves so you need to do it!

Hope some of this helps!

[MichaelsSahm]

My son comes home with a parent/teacher communicator. A folder with home work, papers to sign and ocassionally a note.
If I have question, i leave a note for in there, and she sends me one back when she has a minute, so when son comes home I can read it.
Its important to communicate with their teachers, as long as its done in a respectful manner.

[mata]

Make them feel like although your child is of course very important to you, you understand there's a higher good and a whole class to take into consideration. I've had great relationships with all of my dds' teachers-I care about them, appreciate what they do and want to make their lives a little bit easier.

[guest^]

My sis is a PS teacher....she just said to add these.....

Send healthy re non-sugary food to school-for everything....snacks,lunch,treats.

Say "Thankyou!" at least once a month-preferably each time you see the teacher.

Thanks for the thread, OP! I've found this to be very helpful.