Pregnancy

[MayBaby2007]

My friend's daughter is 16 and found out she's pregnant. My friend took the initial news well, considering her parenting style. I was impressed and complimented her. She receieved the news on Sunday. Just 2 days later, she's harping on the girl. The girl is conflicted--doesn't know if she's going to abort or not. The girl is stressed and confused enough and the mom (my friend) is beating her down.

The mom is telling her that she (the girl) won't receive anything for Christmas other than baby stuff (nothing for the daughter--just the baby). Telling her that now that she's pregnant and will be a mom that she won't buy anything for her anymore other than food. The mom telling her she won't buy her any clothes, etc.

If the girl does decide on abortion, mom won't help her with the cost. Mom told me today, "I aint helping her! I didn't have sex with her and get her pregnant! They can figure it out....." If the girl has the baby, mom won't help help her with the baby--it's up to the girl (who has 3 years of HS left) and the boy to figure out. My co-worker said this girl just could commit suicide over this...

Everyone's parenting style is different but my heart is breaking for this girl. My friend is hard on them anyway--everyone we work with agrees. We all think the 2 girls would be better off w/o her. It's sad. (The girls' dad took off with them when they were little. My friend just got these girls back 2 years ago. After not having her children for 10+years, she treats them like crap. They were better off where they were (one in a foster home and one in a group home).

These kids are just getting beat down on a daily basis (emotionally). I want to help the pregnant one--be a mama to her, but it's not my place and I can't financially help her. I just couldn't in my wildest dreams treat my daughter the way she's treating her dd's (especially the pregnant one). Considering the girls have been in CPS custody for the past 10 years, I'm *tempted* to call and tip them off as to how these girls are being treated. But I'm not sure. Everyone (and I mean everyone) that we work with agrees with me.

OT story:
I took her oldest daughter to school one day. She missed the bus. Mom was at work SCREAMING at her for missing the bus. The girl was sobbing. I talked to friend on phone and told her, "Your DD needs to get to school. She cannot get to school sobbing like this. You need to chill out!" She demanded to talk to her dd again--just screamed at her (she was still drunk from the night before). I took the phone away from her dd and told my friend, "You're not talking to her anymore. She's hysterically crying and needs to get to school." I drove around with the girl until she calmed down enough to go to school (I can remember going to school all upset because of my mom and didn't want to drop her off that way).

Another time, she screamed at the girl because the girl's cell phone was dead and asked to use her mom's. The mom screamed at her and had her in tears. It's all very sad. After not having her kids for 10 plus years, you'd think she'd "love" them a little bit more.

Sorry to ramble. This has been eating me up forever....and now the girl is pregnant and my heart is just breaking. What would you do? Is there anything I can do for this girl? (I don't have her cell phone number, only the mom's number).

[MillingNome]

Please tell me your friend has some other redeeming qualities. The two incidents you described sound pretty atrocious. I'd love to hear they are more the exception than the rule but the way you described, I doubt it.

Other than telling her that her daughter needs her help more than ever and to chill the heck out, I am not sure what more you can do. It's got to be like watching a train wreck, everyone playing their scripted part. No one able to step back and take a breath

[MayBaby2007]

Sadly, the examples I gave are the every day norm. Everyone at work hears and sees it. We hear her screaming at her kids on the phone. We work in customer service and she was screaming and cussing infront of a customer and got wrote up by management. Now, she walks in the back away from customers to scream at the kids.

After posting this, these thoughts came to me:

1.) While mom is at work tomorrow I can go to her house and talk to the girl and tell her that *I* will help her emotionally and whatever fincancially I can
2.) I can offer the girl to stay with me (with her mom's permission) as long as the girl holds a job to help support her/the baby.
3.) At least offer for the girl to spend this weekend with me--stress free, time to think--interact with me/my daughter, etc.

The mom told the girl today: "you'll have regrets with either decision you make. If you abort, you'll regret it. If you put it up for adoptioin, you'll regret it. If you keep it you'll regret it. So whatever you chose, you'll have regrets...." I told her, "Chances are she won't regret keeping the baby....." She cut me off and said, "She's not 20-something, she's 16! She'll have plenty of regrets." I just shook my head.

The cell phone incident: I said to her, "Friend, don't take this the wrong way. And don't be mad at me. But, don't you think you're a little hard on your girls?" And she went off on me.

Her and I were best friends until I got pregnant. She got her girls back the same year I got pregnant. I've been to her house with my daughter ONE time--and that was the last time (because she hangs out with not-so-pleasant-people (like druggies and such)).

[~Demeter~]

She cut me off and said, "She's not 20-something, she's 16! She'll have plenty of regrets." I just shook my head.

I had my son at 15... I can say without a doubt I have NO regrets. Now.. had I had an abortion yes I would have regreted it immediately I believe. Adoption, eventually I would have especially after I had another baby. I can't say that keeping a baby at that age is for everybody but it certainly was great for me. I think it took a lot for your friend's daughter to tell her mother and that's commendable in and of itself. It's definitely not easy. I might mention something along those lines to your friend. Be there for the girl.. heaven knows she's going to need someone to be supportive. I think your ideas are good so far.

[MillingNome]

I try really hard not to be judgemental but...

There is no way in hell I would call someone like that a friend. It's one thing if someone is trying to be a better parent, improve their relationships. It's not the case with her, uh? I'd be loathsome to even call her an acquaintance.

[MayBaby2007]

Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone

I try really hard not to be judgemental but...

There is no way in hell I would call someone like that a friend. It's one thing if someone is trying to be a better parent, improve their relationships. It's not the case with her, uh? I'd be loathsome to even call her an acquaintance.

I agree with you 100%. We haven't talked/done anything outside of work since I became a mom other than Valentines Day...the first and last day I had my dd at her house. So I guess I should have said x-friend/co-worker. She's done a complete 180 since she got her kids back. She used to take in neighborhood kids all the time (like her friend's kids for slumber parties and such) and she was "cool"....laxed, ya know. She's like this evil drill sergant with her own kids.

Still. My heart breaks for the girl. Maybe I'll make a couple phone calls.

[lifeguard]

Being an adult the girl can trust is probably the best thing you can do for her. Yes, 16 is young but not too young. Yes, she'll go through some tough times trying to support herself & the baby but it can totally be done.

My Mom was 16 when she got pregnant for me. I know she has no regrets & she always says to me "When I see a young woman with a baby or who is pregnant I just know they are going to be ok 'cause that mommy loves her baby - age doesn't matter."

[MillingNome]

whoa- "since she got her kids back."

Well anyway- I'd say do what is in your power to help the pg teen. Avoid the mom as much as possible. She does not want to be part of the solution.

[angelpie545]

That's a horrible situation, but I wouldn't call CPS. As far as I know, when a foster child has a baby, that child also becomes a ward of the state, and the chances of keeping mother and child together are much less than if the child is not a ward of the state. I think the pressure to give the child up for adoption might be a lot greater in that case as well, although I could be wrong.

[lachingona1]

The mom wouldn't mind if she stayed with you for awhile?

[MayBaby2007]

Originally Posted by lachingona1

The mom wouldn't mind if she stayed with you for awhile?

She probably wouldn't mind a night or two--just to give her and her dd a break (then again she could flat out say "no" just to put her dd through hell...yeah, she's like that).

The way she's talking, she expects the girl and the boy (19) to fully and completely support themselves and the baby (i.e, get a place of their own, etc). So if that's the case, I don't see why she/baby couldn't stay with me. I don't know.

"since she got her kids back"

Yeah. Her story doesn't add up to any of us. She says the dad took off with the kids when they were itty bitty (like the oldest was 3 and the youngest was 1 or something--very little) and she couldn't find them. She was not married to the dad but said the cops woulnd't help her. I'm friends/family with cops/detectives so I introduced her to them and they helped her find her kids. By the time she found the kids, the father had signed off his rights and voluntarily put them in state custody and told the state he didn't know where the mom was----or something like that. So, for 10+ years she sat around doing nothing until I motivated her to get her kids. Oh yes....some how all this is my fault.

I got pregnant sept 06. She got her youngest daughter back around the same time. She got her oldest daughter in January 07. I found out in January of 07 I was having a girl. All she could tell me was, "Girls are so hard to raise. Boys are much easier....." instead of telling me something positive about having a daughter (considering she just got hers back).

When her and I were friends, she was a totally different person! Night and day. She talked about missing her girls every day, that she didn't know how to get them back, etc. Now she has them and treats them like crap. Everyone who knew the old her and see's how she is now is just blown away. Her and I partied hard and had fun. When I became pregnant/a mom I was done with all that nonsense. Honestly, deep down inside I think she regrets getting her kids back because she doesn't have the single/carefree life she had (she still does to some extent but not as much). I dunno.

I'll go by her place tomorrow while she's at work to talk to the girl--lend a shoulder and an ear if nothing else....let her know positive outcomes can and do happen, etc.

[dawningmama]

Originally Posted by lifeguard

Being an adult the girl can trust is probably the best thing you can do for her. Yes, 16 is young but not too young. Yes, she'll go through some tough times trying to support herself & the baby but it can totally be done.

ITA. I would suggest contacting the dd in private, maybe getting her email or cell number and giving her your contact info. You can be her friend and offer her support. If her mom is good w/ a quiet weekend at your house, that's a lovely offer as well.

And, if possible, get in touch with a local support group/system for whatever choice she makes.

[frontierpsych]

Your friend sounds a lot like my mom (Minus the CPS part, we never had that big of issues).

It sounds like a lot of control issues. That's what it came down to in my family. I know if my little sister became pregnant (She is 17, but has already graduated from high school, so it is a bit different) my mom would not offer to help her even if she could. She has the same attitude toward that sort of thing as your friend has. I've talked with other family members (mostly my mom's siblings) and we've pretty much come to the conclusion that she feels it's the only way she can control the situation. Everyone has hopes for their children, and for most women those hopes do not include your teen becoming pregnant. The problem is when you let your hopes, or even your support of your child's hopes, get in the way of their current reality.
It seems to happen even with little things. Take the bus incident. She feels her daughter should be responsible enough to catch the bus on time. Her daughter misses the bus. Instead of accepting this and finding a way to best remedy it, she becomes unnecessarily angry. She needs to understand that no matter how much she tries to control the situation in any minute way she can (be it not helping her daughter with the baby, not helping to pay for the abortion if that's what she chooses, not paying for her daughter's clothes, etc) she is NOT going to reverse what is done.
I would try to be as supportive of your friend's DD as you can, she is obviously in a place where she needs it right now, and she is not getting it from her mother. I would seriously consider asking your friend what she hopes to accomplish with these restrictions of support. To teach her daughter that life is tough? That she made a poor decision? That being a mother is hard? These are undoubtedly lessons she has/is/will learn quite well without them being pushed on her by her mother. She can't reverse the situation, but she CAN help her daughter by supporting her decisions and helping her get her life going in the direction she chooses. She needs to get over her control issues unless she wants to be cut out of her daughters' lives permanently, because they will get out in the real world and, one can hope, realize that they are worthy of respect. If she can't control herself enough to at least be civil, chances are she risks losing her daughters for good.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by angelpie545

That's a horrible situation, but I wouldn't call CPS. As far as I know, when a foster child has a baby, that child also becomes a ward of the state, and the chances of keeping mother and child together are much less than if the child is not a ward of the state. I think the pressure to give the child up for adoption might be a lot greater in that case as well, although I could be wrong.

I don't think you're wrong here.

Getting CPS involved is not likely to have good results for this girl or her baby. If she is able to find a good/free lawyer, she may be able to seek emancipation and then live with you or her boyfriend/his family if they are supportive. Once she is emancipated, and if she chooses to continue the pregnancy, she could also pursue section 8 housing and other government resources that could help her get by. Homeschooling/getting her GED may also be a good option if she wants to be home with her baby for as long as possible . . . it seems like a huge shame to have her sitting in a school for hours every day, when she could be with her baby.

[boobybunny]

19 year old boyfriend, 16 year old girl?

[momto3wantingmore]

I feel so bad for this poor girl and the way her mother is treating her. This is a time when she needs emotional support not to be treated like this. I too was a teen mom at 16 and feared when I found out my mom would kick me out, not be supportive ect as she had always told me that if I got pg that she would not help. Her tune changed thank goodness. I have NEVER regretted keeping my son. My mom really wanted me to abort when I told her no adoption was what was planned until I was 4 months and told her I just couldn't do that. She was awesome. Yes I was the mom in the aspect that when baby got up at night I got up too. Only if she felt I really needed help is the only time she got up and I liked that. I wanted to be the mom. The ONLY expectation my mom had for me as a condition to live with her was I either stayed in school(which is what she pushed as she wanted me to get my diploma) or work. She was supportive in a non pushy way, helped me when I needed and backed off and let me be the parent. Your co-worker really just Uhhh. I pray that this girl gets the guidance and support she needs. I don't know if there is anything like this available where you live but contact the local Pregnancy resource center. There may be homes for teen moms that she can go to. Maybe they could help with some counseling. Shoot if I lived there I would open my home to her with the same conditions my mom had with school being #1 because realistically how is one going to support their child without at least a high school diploma or GED? Her mom can expect this guy to support her and the baby all she wants but that isn't going to stop him from walking away like too many young dads do.

[MayBaby2007]

Thanks for all the replies. I went by her house today but the girls weren't there. I couldn't leave a note because I didn't know if the girls or mom would get there first. After the bus incident, I gave the girl my phone # and told her to call me anytime. I don't know if she has it. We're not that close as (like I said) since having my child I've strayed from this friendship.

Another (true) friend/neighbor/co-worker talked to "CJ" today and told her, "What's done is done. Your dd is pregnant. You can't change that. It will do no good for anyone involved for you to treat her like this....." We don't know if it sunk in or not. CJ was mad today because when she went home from work yesterday, her pregnant daughter was sleeping instead of out looking for a job. I understand the whole responsibility thing. Really I do. But damn...give this kid a break! First trimester is exhausting plus the stress on top of it....just leave her alone.

I told CJ about a pregnacy care center around here that offers early US for free--they are a christian/pro-life non-profit organ. She said that they have a doctor's appt scheduled for the Sept 8th. She gave her dd a deadline--her dd has to decide by that date if she's aborting or not. Her dd said her last period was early July so I'm assuming she could be close to 2 mos preg already.

Everyone at work just shakes there head and we talk about how sorry we feel for her girls. Everyone here has kids and none of us can grasp this. Unconditonal love...no matter what! If my 16 yo dd got pregnant, sure I'd be disapointed--then I would tell her, "Okay baby--we'll get through this and I'll help you all that I can......" To scream at her and try to make her life more rough? I just don't get it.

Yes, the boy is 19 and girl 16. CJ knew about the relationship but now that her girl is pregnant she said she thought about calling the cops and having him arrested. (Before girl got with boy, girl was with another girl--she thought she was gay. Girl has had a very hard life and is confused enough as it is, ya know?). She's mad because they didn't use a condom. Yet, she's the type who gives the girls money and lets them go where ever they want and rarely knows who they're with or what they're doing. Her oldest girl asked CJ to take her to the store not too long ago. CJ went off on her and said, "NO! Use your money and hop on the bus! I'm not taking you anywhere....." (And it's a shock that her girl is pregnant, ya know?) Like another pp, I think control is a major issue here.

CJ is very defensive when anyone questions her parenting. She gives the kids $200 at a time and then b*tches that they spent the money too soon--she doesn't know where/what they spent it on--she's just mad because they ask for more. I simply told her, "My dd won't have nearly the amount of freedom as your kids do. I'll take dd shopping or do this/that with her but I'm not going to hand her a wad of money like you do with your girls..." I didn't tell her that her parenting was bad--I only stated that I wouldn't do that with my dd. That resulted in a huge fight. (Then she went off on me when I questioned the cell phone incident). (disclaimer: I'm all for kids having freedom. But freedom and large amounts of money doesn't sit well with me).

Being nice isn't working--I just get yelled at. Maybe I should try giving her the same attitude she gives me and point out to her that EVERYONE who knows her thinks she is being downright ridiculous. We all talk about it. We're all disgusted by it.

Yesterday her youngest daughter (12 or so) didn't clean up the dishes she used. She's not allowed to leave the house (other than school when it starts) until September as punishment.

Sigh. I will try to get in contact with girl again tomorrow while CJ is at work.

[redveg]

Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone

I try really hard not to be judgemental but...

There is no way in hell I would call someone like that a friend. It's one thing if someone is trying to be a better parent, improve their relationships. It's not the case with her, uh? I'd be loathsome to even call her an acquaintance.

: I would have a hard time looking at this woman. I hope you get in touch with the girl. I am sure she needs someone who will be supportive, someone who will some positive things to her. Poor thing. I wish I could do something to help.

[Oriole]

It's very admirable that you take this interest in this poor girl.
I'd start with a weekend, and see if her and I could have a hear to heart about the whole situation, and see where it leads you.

[onelilguysmommy]

Originally Posted by boobybunny

19 year old boyfriend, 16 year old girl?

please dont tell me that out of this, THATS the problem you have, and no in most places, its NOT illegal.


anyway, id say just keep doing what you are and try to be there at least emotionally for her. are you closer to her age or her moms? (without being too nosy lol)

i hope she can come to your house, or SOMEWHERE to get away especially for her mental health and for both her and the baby physically. ugh! is the girls boyfriend trying to help or is he slinking away?