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Moms who have had their crunchy plans sabotaged by reality-Support Thread - Page 2

post #21 of 213
My crunchy plans have largely been sabotaged by my children's personalities. There's the one who loves structure and routine---unschooling wasn't such a good fit for her. There's the one who finds running and banging and roughhousing and yelling far more appealing than sitting quietly and cuddling with mama. There's my formula fed (adoption) guy whose fervent desire to speak made me forsake anti-interventionism to get him proper teaching. There's my baby, who is a baby longer than the others, who needs more supervision and guidance than a free-range child.

Each one a unique individual with his or her own ideas of how things should be, outweighing mine.

And of course there are the limits placed by my own special needs as well. A semi-verbal, highly anxious woman with fibromyalgia can't be the fully active parent she might like to be. Yet somehow we manage.
post #22 of 213
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brigianna View Post

Each one a unique individual with his or her own ideas of how things should be, outweighing mine.
This is a key aspect of AP, anyway. Parenting for your child, not for yourself. Sometimes that means AP looks very different than what you's expect.
post #23 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by FancyD View Post
This is a key aspect of AP, anyway. Parenting for your child, not for yourself. Sometimes that means AP looks very different than what you's expect.
ITA, we do what works for ds and I had to just throw my ideals and expectations for his life out thw window. Why fight over things and make life miserable, when something else already works.
post #24 of 213
I'm in. Natural birth? hello mismanaged preeclampsia. Breastfeeding? My boobs and I are still not speaking.

I love my wraps but she loves her stroller where she can see the world and grab things from shelves.
post #25 of 213
I'll join as well! Ds was born by c-section because my water broke and days went by with nothing happening. I even tried induction and he wouldn't budge - he hadn't even dropped yet. Then, thanks to so many factors, ds needed formula when he was only a week old. Oddly enough, the person that told me I had to give him formula immediately was my midwife...

Anyways, I've gotten used to our reality. It's not what I thought it would look like when I was pregnant, but we're very happy so I've got to be doing something right!
post #26 of 213
Aaah, reality. C-section after 50 hours of labor with no dilation. (none!) Babe sleeps in his own crib now because he's too restless to sleep in our bed, we roll, he wakes up. He's happy as can be in a sling though, so that part of things at least is going well.

DS needs a super high level of structure, and is a high needs kid all around. So much for my laid back go with the flow parenting ideas.
post #27 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatchChild View Post
Aaah, reality. C-section after 50 hours of labor with no dilation. (none!) Babe sleeps in his own crib now because he's too restless to sleep in our bed, we roll, he wakes up. He's happy as can be in a sling though, so that part of things at least is going well.

DS needs a super high level of structure, and is a high needs kid all around. So much for my laid back go with the flow parenting ideas.
I so glad I saw this tribe. My dd also has to sleep alone because she hates being touched. If we try to co-sleep she wakes up crying every time she rolls into one of us. And then she tries to kick us out of bed which makes for a very unpleasant night. She sleeps in her own bed and is happy.

My big thing used to be that my child would never, ever have sugar. We would be sugar free and she would love all sorts of raw fruits and veggies. Well, reality ruined that when she was 8 months old and started on pediasure. She will eat fruits and veggies, but loves, loves, loves sugar. Oh well, at least she isn't starving to death anymore.

Oh, and I had a c-section, am getting ready to have another, used formula, and my child hated babywearing. My parenting experience was totally not what I planned.
post #28 of 213
Hi Mamas!

As a woman with Fibromyalgia and a mom of three children with varying levels of special needs, my lifestyle can change multiple times in one day in a desperate attempt to try to keep one step ahead of what medical need might come next. :

Now that we've had our roll call of sorts , and admitted our NFL 'shortcomings' due to medical circumstances (even without them - no one can 100% of absolutely everything 100% of the time), how can we now shift this from lists of what we do/don't do to a larger, more productive discussion of how we can each grow into a more natural lifestyle in a way that works best for our family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthia Mosher
We want MDC to be a community that advocates attachment parenting and natural family living, that supports members in their efforts to learn and do, and that helps individuals progress from mainstream parenting and living to AP and NFL. That means that we will entertain posts of confession of behavior that is far from what we uphold as an ideal.
.....
We can talk about SUVs and power plants and alternative energy. We can talk about where we are and what we are guilty of and our desires and struggles in overcoming those things. But let's do so for a positive step to move beyond it. Not for a shirking of guilt, but for an individual and community development goal, as members that care about each other and the child and the Earth behind every post.
You all are right -- there is a definite need for open conversations about our practices and how to change them to learn and grow as a natural family, while still meeting the unique needs that the medical issues our families face bring to the table. So lets do some exploring and problem solving.
post #29 of 213
Ah...let me count the ways.

On babyhood: My second homebrithed child was born with a surprise birth defect and other issues. We spent the first couple yrs of that little life in and out of Children's Hospital; testing, having surgery, drawing blood. I still get throbbing heat in my chest whenever we drive into Boston, even if it's just for dim sum. My body remembers. There is nothing crunchy about holding your tiny baby as they try and find a vein. There is nothing remotely crunchy about hospitals, period, (yet I love those folks anyway).

On breastmilk: One child was gifted to me through adoption and even though I had breastfed a child for 3 years, I never established much of a milk supply that time around. Banked milk was too $$, and I didn't want milk from other women as I couldn't really know where they or their husbands had been. (Even talked to Jay Gordon about this). So child got various milks through the SNS. I have not one tiny bit of guilt about it, either; I did everything I could, but life had other plans.

It's the not feeling guilty part that takes away the crunch card, I think. LIke why would I feel guilty if I had had a c-section? I wouldn't. Feeling bad about a necessary c-section, fi, would be no more healthy or productive than feeling guilty that my perfect, healthy, and substance free pregnancy was somehow to blame for my child's brith defects. It's also why I have no guilt that my non- pregnant body couldn't produce a full milk supply for an adopted child. None of that was/would be 100% in my control.

I've felt grateful that I get any of this, period.
post #30 of 213
My four month old is a bit too young for some things like knowing how discipline will work best for her, but right now she's in an exersaucer cause she hates being worn right now and kept trying to launch herself off of me. So I use a stroller more than I'd like to, but it's either that or a crying, overheated, cranky baby.

We tried breastfeeding. My breasts don't work. With 65 pills a day, I produce about five ounce. So Enfamil makes up a good part of what she eats right now (the rest being breastmilk from me and some donors.) I felt so guilty signing up for the coupons, too.

We don't grow our own food. We're not a one car/no car family. We eat meat...I think my husband would go crazy without it, I still use some chemical cleaners, and I buy less organic stuff than I'd like, with the food budget being what it is, you make choices that allow for reality.

But we do cloth diaper.
post #31 of 213
Baby getting into keyboard but I wanted to sign up for this tribe.
post #32 of 213
So far...

Breastfeeding: That's what I get for swearing I knew more than the OB who delivered me. I had a weird fever that started immediately after the birth. I thought it was because I had the flu. Well, right and wrong. I did develop shortly a nasty case of influenza. However, that just masked the real problem. I had a large, rotting blood clot retained in my uterus. It was literally several weeks before it was properly diagnosed. Because I was ill on two fronts, nature kicked in and put me on higher priority than my offspring and did not bother to really produce breastmilk. I was never engorged, never really made anything. I did have a little, but that was about 5 days after the birth and by then, my fever was 105 and I didn't want to live, let alone breastfeed. My guilt forced me to try and pump but I just couldn't keep up, especially with such discouraging results. I dried up what pathetic amount I produced fast. Tja, what I get for being an idiot.

TV: Well, fell off the wagon with that. She watches way more than I would like sometimes.

Otherwise, I swore I would never co-sleep, babywear, do baby led weaning, or give birth without pain meds, but I will be darned if all of those things happened anyway. LOL, I am more parenting crunchy by accident than intention.
post #33 of 213
Funny how kids don't come out knowing they're supposed to act a certain way so that we can parent them how we think we should.

Alisteal- I hear you on the puking and Neocate, cept we have a tube, elecare and not as much puking. We're still in this reality, and the once daily puking is bad enough! Hugs!

We managed some of our goals - DD had a better birth than DS who wa sa transfer with complications and a short NICU stay, but DD ogt the short end of nursing as syhe's allergic ot my milk and every other substance save for Elecare and water. She got only 1 year (And I'm damned proud of it, though I wish we'd weaned earlier to avoid tubey a bit longer!). We wore both til they got too mobile and wanted down, and we attempt to not be horrible about discipline, but ASC put a whole new light on this. Its amazing how much something as small as a quirky kid makes all your discipline ideas fly out the window!

Brig- You said it so well. Each has had their own needs and in that way, we've all done the very most AP thing - We listened to our children's needs even when it went in the face of what others consider AP. Let's face it - diapers and boobs and birth sites do not dictate our ability to listen to our children!
post #34 of 213
Yo! My peeps!

Count me in!

Two c/s due to severe decels (dang compressed cord!), abandoned cloth dipes with my youngest and I don't use 7th Gen because I can't afford them, don't buy nearly as much organic as I would like due to the cost, stock the house with unhealthy junk food because it's what my stepson needs to eat (high calories, high fat, low protein) due to his rare urea disorder.
post #35 of 213
Thread Starter 
I'm glad to see people in this tribe! I figured there was a need, and SN doesn't fit for everyone, yk?

My big issues right now are discipline. DS is 3.5, probably 2.5 cognitively. He's non-verbal as I said, so how do I get him to stop pinching me? I'm at the end of my rope with this. I do put him in his room, and that works sometimes to calm BOTH of us down, but pinching is almost a casual way for him to express his frustration.

Any ideas?
post #36 of 213
Grrr! I just lost a huge post!

Basically, I have had tons of BF issues. My friend wants me to become a LLL leader because every leader she knows has had it really easy, but I disagree with the "everyone can bf with just a correct latch and happy thoughts! mentality.
Thoughts?
post #37 of 213
Thread Starter 
Well, sometimes it's the baby who can't nurse. DS had no suck reflex and an oral aversion. We still managed to nurse a bit (at night, when he didn't fight having a nipple in his mouth), but I am sure the stress of the sitch impacted my supply. NO ONE told me how hard pumping could be, especially when you have no help. I'm still glad I managed to do a bit, and I've long gotten over the guilt.

I think some moms can't nurse, and in the days of yore, you'd have someone nearby to supplement/wet nurse. Or they got goat milk.

Either way, I fail to see how judging a woman as lazy helps in any way.
post #38 of 213
My niece couldn't nurse because of her rough start, so i I understand that side perfectly well. I wasn't judging non-nursing moms as lazy at all. Far from it.

It's some of the LCs I have met and especially the LLL in the town where I used to live. I called the LLL leader in tears one day because DS hadn't had a wet diaper in over 24 hours and she just said "oh, it's just your latch. Everyone can breastfeed, just be the boss and push him on there properly!"

Yeah... no. It's that mentality that would be preventing me from even participating in the organization.
post #39 of 213
Thread Starter 
Do they not think that there could be more to it? That seems irresponsible to me, not to accept that there may be actual problems.
post #40 of 213
It looks like I found a place where I might fit in. I feel like I am too crunchy for most but not crunchy enough for others.

I use disposables. When I had my first, we lost our house and pretty much everything to a flood. CD'ing was just not a possibility. Our lives were pretty much disposable at that point. Cosleeping was done out of necessity. After all, where is a baby going to sleep when crib and most baby stuff was destroyed. We didn't have a kitchen to cook in so it was pretty much eat what you can microwave or cook in an electric skillet. With subsequent children, I just cannot seem to bring myself to CD because I HATE laundry. DH does the laundry and vetoed me on CD.

We try to eat organic but DH is out of a job at the moment so the only thing that we buy organic without fail is the milk because the regular stuff makes DH sick.

I drive an SUV aka tank because we got a really good deal on it from my dad 3 years ago. That is our only vehicle and we can't really get rid of it because we are expecting #4 in December. We do try to limit and combine trips and only go places that are necessary. We would love to be able to get a minivan that carries 8 and gets better mileage but we are lucky to be able to pay our house note and electric bills at the moment. There is no way that we could get a vehicle that would accomodate us all for the price that we paid for our tank, which is paid off.

We were doing really well at eating good food until we spent 4 months living with the IL's and then everything pretty much went to hell in a handbasket. We are trying to get to a better place but it is hard when you just don't have the money to buy the good stuff. My kids watch a lot of TV because we can't really afford to do much else. There is an awesome AP/crunchy playgroup that the kids love going to but we haven't been able to go because of finances. Plus, I feel like a huge oddball because I have had to abandon a lot of my ideals due to reality.
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