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Moms who have had their crunchy plans sabotaged by reality-Support Thread - Page 11

post #201 of 213
I could go on and on, but I guess I keep coming back to this one little lesson. If there is anything a child can do for you, it is strip you completely bare of all expectations. All bets are off. When it comes down to mothering, you do what you have to do. I've had 3 babies, and each time it's been the same thing - sorrows and tears over things I wanted and expected that didn't come true... Except they did - I did everything I wanted, just never all at the same time. I don't CD now unless we are out of sposies, but I've washed many a load. I nurse 3 babies, but the 3rd only for a week. I've had 2 homebirths, but still had to deal with the hospital all 3 times. I guess the gift Juju (SN kid) has given me is he let me off the hook - expectations out the window.

For years I've had this dream that I'm in school and it is a week til graduation and I've discovered I have forgotten a class entirely. I wake feeling terrified. I've always thought the dream meant that I was afraid I wasn't completing my "life assignments". About a month ago, I had the dream again, but this time it was different. This time I stopped someone and asked what day it was, and realized that I hadn't missed anything afterall. When I woke, I immediately knew the message - I am doing exactly what I need to be doing with my life. The funny thing is, you would think that would have made me happy. But instead it made me angry. It's seems a little anticlimatic - THIS is it. THIS is what I'm supposed to do. Bah!

But it's true - what I need to do now is what I need to do now. If I need to give Juju Miralax daily, so he'll not be chronically constipated then that's what I got to do. If I've got to use sposies, cause I'm not able to keep up with the more frequent changes cloth requires and I don't want my boys getting diaper rash, then that's what I got to do. I know I've made a good choice for my family, so crying over cloth diapers is just vanity. YWIM?
post #202 of 213
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post #203 of 213
I'm at the point of my life where I respect their wants and needs.
here here! and isn't that what AP is all about anyway? i've stopped marking stuff off my list... i burnt myself badly trying to be the perfect AP textbook parent and i will never go down that path again. dd#1 has SN (SPD) and dd#2 is neurotypical. currently expecting dc # 3 and we'll see what this little one has in store for us!

i now try to focus on the positives instead of the negatives.

breastfeeding - i am still breastfeeding dd#1 at four years old. i've rejected her requests more times than i can count but i've also breastfed her through 58 weeks of pregnancy so far. ouch and ouch. some days i will say yes and other days i am feeling unwell and will give a gentle no and a hug.. guilt tends to creep up on me so easily when it comes to her but i try to ignore it and focus on the fact that i will offer to nurse her when i'm feeling better.

co-sleeping - we are happy co-sleepers. gosh sometimes i would love more room and not be sandwiched in by two little monkeys but overall, i love going to sleep knowing our girls are right next to me. dd#1 has absolutely no intentions of moving out any time in the next year and dh and i are totally cool with that.. in fact dh said to dd "it's ok.. we will love having you here for as long you want to be here" and he meant it.

slinging - ummm, no. i would put dd#1 in the sling when she was young and we were going out only.. and dd#2 would just not have it.. she never liked the sling or the feeling of being confined. i sold my sling!

TV - tv... whats that???



hahahah just kidding. we are definitely box people even though i strived not to be. i STILL want to throw the tv out though (i haven't changed my opinion on this)... we don't watch tv tv.. but rather movies on the media player... tonight the kids watched dennis the menice and polar express... i umm, am not seeing a problem with *this* since they sit on the couch together with daddy. dh has trouble connecting with our kids because of the very dis-connected childhood he had.. and i suspect he also has SPD himself. i am over hassling him or forcing him to comply with what i think the "good" father should be doing, especially since i need to respect his own limitations too (esp if he has SPD)... i've just kept it to what he feels he can do and so long as everything he does is leaving the kids and himself happy in the end.. i don't care if its crunchy or not. he will happily sit there and watch a movie with them, hugging them and making comments together and get them thier dresses so they can twirl and dance while watching the movie... i think that while it's not the ideal.. it makes for sweet, innocent and happy memories of spending time with daddy. he doesn't have to sit there reading stories to make it memorable and quality time. any time spent happily IS quality time.
oh, dd has also made us watch hairspray and grease about a thousand times now... even the 22mo knows the songs to grease on the plus side we've watched the sound of music a thousand times too. some days i seriously do not know how i would otherwise handle dd#1 without putting a movie on for her to watch... she is still very high needs @ 4yo and the days when our house is clean and we've had all meals from scratch... the media player has been running for a while. but i'll sing along to the songs, stick my head out and ask her about whats happening, she'll dance etc... it's not a zombie like trance. but that's my compromise. sometimes the kids help me cook and clean but sometimes i NEED (for my own sanity) because i am tired mentally and physically already, to just clean my way and fast. if i was to let them join in, i'd spend more time yelling and feeling resentful than if i just put a movie on and everyone was happy. i have found i have limits too.. and when i go over my limits the result is not nice.. better to do something un-crunchy than to have my kids go around believing that mama just didn't want to be around them or was constantly annoyed by them.
i have a love-hate relationship with that box.

organic foods - we have to be GFDF for dd and so that's keeping us in check. she has chocolate sometimes.. but so do i!!! it would be very hypocritcal of me to have chocolate while she is around and not give her any on the premise that its bad for her body. and they go to sleep at 12-1am everyday, so i NEVER get to eat anything on my own anyway.
mmmm... i feel like chocolate now.

patience/GD - some days i am fabulous if i may say so myself and other days.. well... WOW.. i think i'd win an award for crappy mother of the year. i've spanked, time-out etc when i have had "flip-out" moments.. so it was only on occassion and not a "we strive to spank" our kids type parenting. we are re-working on something very gentle that we have done in the past and its working out quite nicely... requires so much mental energy but we are getting there even with the bumps along the way. i go back and forth but i never give up my ideals on how much patience and understanding a child needs. my house and its cleaning can go to hell and so can everyone else with their constant phone calls (i'm totally neglecting this area of my life) but my babies deserve all the understanding that they can get. i'm tired of spending an hour on the phone providing moral support to adults then getting the shits at my kids because they made a huge mess while i was on the phone or are acting up excessively because they missed me and want some attention. that's just aweful and i now see it as so neglectful for my babies.. the world can wait... and i guess i can too. i now do phone calls only if they are napping or when dh is home and i limit them to 2-3 a week.

my biggest problem in coming to terms with not being that mother that i thought i would be... i had extremely bad (lets call it severe) PPD with dd#1... not pretty... i was suicidal... i let her cry alone many times... i STILL cry over that when i think about it.. i am so heartbroken that it happened. i had depression as it was and i got burnt on top of it. *i* put myself into an unrealistic corner and my dd suffered because of it. i will never, ever do that to myself or another one of my kids again. you don't know how much guilt i hold because i missed out on dd's infancy.
when i had dd#2 i stood there on the hospital balcony and thought to myself "i wonder what would happen if i dropped her from this height?"
that is insane. utterly insane. it was just a "normal" fleeting thought while i was holding my one day old baby... no, i thought to myself - not again! she had breastfeeding problems.. i tried to get her to latch, i dealt with horrible mastitis (btw, i still have pain in that duct) and pumped... i pumped for four months.. my milk supply was dying... miraculously, i got her back onto the boob but she wasn't that interested. it was more for play/comfort than food. she just WASN'T interested i dont know how else to put it (this was the original problem when she was a newborn). so i stopped when my milk supply dwindled to nothing because she just wasn't nursing enough even though i demand fed. i put her on formula... i bought her some glass bottles and that was that. i finally forgave myself. i wasn't going to be a matyr and continue to fight a baby who didn't want to nurse. she is now a happy, (extremely) smart, monkey-like, fearless almost 2 year old.. she is sooo ahead of her peers in everything that i bet you'll think she was the one who didn't have an ounce of formula... surprise.. she is my FF baby.
i took it easy on myself with dd#2... we turned to sposies when i found i could not keep up with hints of history repeating itself and now 2 kids to look after + full time pumping... alternated between the eco ones and the conventional ones... dd is now potty learned at 22 months anyway and we're going to be using cloth TP!

i'm sure there is more than i need to write out and get off my chest... but i best be off as there is a little one wanting to hug mama in bed... i am glad to have taken the time off to write this though.. i know it will help me to be more at peace tomorrow morning. much love and peace to you all mamas...

i guess in most all of my experience, i have learnt that EVERYONE needs GD... the kids need it, i need and dh needs it... we all cross each other's line sometimes but we remain gentle with another one and have true sorrow when another has been hurt.. to me, that has become the golden standard.. the fact that you hold in your heart an unconditional love for another being and while that love is not always expressed in the most appropriate or textbook fashion, it is still there... attachment parenting to me, is no longer a list of things that will help you become attached to your child... its more of an emotional connection that can't be un-attached even if you tried.
post #204 of 213

your post touched me deeply. thank you for sharing your experiences and perspective. I can relate on so many levels, and wish you all the best with your newest addition to the family. You sound like an awesome mama!
post #205 of 213
It all started with a crappy pregnancy with a distant DH and medical issues, ended up with 53 hours of labor, a stuck baby (presented the back of his head ), pit, an epidural, and then a c-section, followed by uber-tragic beginning breastfeeding issues and a diagnosis of PPD and PTSD.

So far, though, everything else is going ok. We're breastfeeding, not vaxing, he loves the sling, and I'm trying trying trying to be GD (despite family history of abuse and anger management issues).

Like a pp said - it's about being child-led, right? What else can we do but grieve for what didn't happen the way we wanted and move on?
post #206 of 213
mamamelia, PPD sucks, and makes normal, wonderful moms into totally different people. We have to learn to forgive ourselves for things that were out of our control.
post #207 of 213
awww... thanks dariusmom and smeisnotapirate for such a warm welcome. i've definitely found my tribe.

i'm happy that sharing my experiences has touched someone else.
i am still struggling with not beating myself up over having PPD. i guess i blame myself because i have a history of depression and i put those matyr expectations on myself. i could of just backed off (like i did with my second dd) and said no i'll do what i see fit instead of reaching for the stars and beyond. i also feel guilty because i can never ever take back those months where she sat by herself while i sat in the corner unable to function.. and those times she cried alone/was spanked because she was misunderstood/was sent in time out for prolonged periods because depression and an undiagnosed SPD child can be a bad mix. i can't erase the guilt. and i feel those experiences have damaged her in some way, somewhere in her subconcious she feels unloved and abandoned and doesn't know why. sometimes when dd hugs me and tells me "your my best freind, i love you mummy" with her sweet innocent eyes.. i start to cry. not happy tears but because i am sad for what i put this beautiful innocent little being through and it was completely undeserved and she still, STILL has love for me. i just hope and pray in my heart that i make it up to her and she knows how much she is loved and that i am truely sorry.
i don't know... maybe i need some sort of counselling or therapy. this is a big issue for me. i still am dealing with depression in general.. this has been going on for years.
post #208 of 213
I have had two c-sections. I dont even know what a labor pain feels like. I have failed at breastfeeding twice. On the other hand, cloth diapering and slinging have come easily. I cosleep for about half the night, never let my kids cry it out. I do buy a lot of organic but once in a while take the kids to McDonalds!

I am wondering if alot of people in this thread are more crunchy than they realize. Some lament not cloth diapering, but there are other ways to be crunchy and save the environment- such as composting, buying things second hand or just not buying things!

My mom was and still is far, far from crunchy. But she was a gentle disciplinarian and that has meant a lot to me.
post #209 of 213
Originally Posted by Proudmomoftwins View Post

I am wondering if alot of people in this thread are more crunchy than they realize. Some lament not cloth diapering, but there are other ways to be crunchy and save the environment- such as composting, buying things second hand or just not buying things!

I think that's the thing; while we tend to strive to be crunchier, but we don't give ourselves credit for what we are doing. I don't give myself credit for the cloth diapers, the nighttime responsiveness, etc, and instead get hung up on the breastfeeding challenge, the hospital birth (unmedicated, but still...it was a hospital birth not a homebirth) and all the things that aren't happening.

We do the best we can with what we've got. Just like almost every parent, we're doing what we can to do the best for our kids, and we sometimes don't give ourselves enough credit.
post #210 of 213
I have been wanting to talk about the ways we are crunchy, so that we can congratulate ourselves for what we are doing. We are all of us crunchier than the mainstream.
So I'll start.
My kids eat veggies at every meal. They eat beans and rice and lentils, which most of their friends have nwever even heard of.
We have a composting toilet. I empty the bucket myself
I have had all my babies at home and Bf at least two years each.
We continue to cosleep
We religiously recycle.
We are trying to found an intentional community
I encourage freedom in my children
There are many things we fall short on, but these are the ways I have made my place in the world a little gentler.
post #211 of 213
We're a crunchy family. Compost, co-sleep, cloth diaper, GD, EBF, babywearing (both me and my DH! , so despite DS's entry into the world, weve been ok. He's still young, though.
post #212 of 213
I'm on a different medication for PPD and I still feel like crap all the time - have let Toby cry several times this week because I'm a single parent right now (DH is on a business trip) and I just. can't. handle. it.

We're also going to start vaxing - TODAY - because, as someone mentioned "when economies fall, disease follows." That, and we're not sure if Toby inherited DH or my immune system. If he got mine he's going to need all the help he can get, poor kid.

We tried CDing for a whole 3 days last week. Hated it. Didn't work for us. Yet another crunchy catastrophe.

Meanwhile, I'm eating healthier than I ever have before, checking the labels on everything, and trying to get by with less STUFF. When we move into our next house (soon, please) I can't wait to start a garden and can my produce. Toby and I go for walks daily, which may not be a crunchy thing per se but it's a huge thing for me since I am the laziest couch potato to hit the earth I am learning how to sew, I learned how to knit. So yeah, we're making progress on random things.
post #213 of 213
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