the way ds *deals* with his feelings worries me

[mamaduck]

Basically, 7 yo ds works as hard as he can to pull himself together after something has upset him, and to move on. He gets furious (rage like) if I or his teacher attempts to process what happened with him, or address his feelings whatsoever. He insists that "talking about makes it worse." He cries when something upsets, hurts or dissapoints him -- but demands to be left alone and then never wants to talk about it again

I'm worried because I have no idea if he is really "dealing" with stuff so that it goes away -- or if he is just burrying his feelings and allowing stuff to build up. I don't want to push him to open up because he gets so angry, but OTOH -- I sometimes wonder if I have a responsibility to push a little and try to teach him that its okay to be very upset and its important to talk about it. He just gets so angry when I try.

Any thoughts? DH thinks this is just how he copes, and I should back off.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Well, everyone deals with feelings in their own way. As long as he knows that it IS OK to have feelings and to express them, I'm not sure I would worry just because he's different (I assume) than you in this area. OTOH, if you see signs that he is just "bottling things up" and NOT dealing with them well, then you might need to find a way to intervene. If he has tantrums that seem out of proportion with the problem, if he is showing signs of distress or depression, if he has nightmares or doesn't want to sleep, these would be signs that you might need to find a way to help him process better. But, maybe he just doesn't want to process "out loud" and he really is more comfortable working inside of his head.

[mamaduck]

Thanks. He is a generally well-adjusted and happy kid, actually. Sleeps well and acts as if he is perfectly content with himself most of the time.

[LoveBeads]

I think you received some great advice. I just wanted to add that not everyone *feels* anger the same. I think my mother worried herself for years that I never seemed to express rage and anger the way a "normal" person does. She assumed that I was bottling everything up. In fact, things just don't get me angry very often, and when I do get angry it is usually less anger than most people will feel. This is just me. I promise I don't have anxiety issues, I'm not a human doormat (on the contrary!) and I feel very content (okay, 7 years of therapy didn't hurt with that one!).

Good luck!

[chicagomom]

One great thing I realized from reading 'Raising Your Spirited Child' is the difference between how extroverts and introverts handle their feelings. The way the author explains, extroverts like to work through problems by talking about them - in fact they *need* someone there to talk it out. Introverts, on the other hand, *need* time alone to process what has happened, and only after they have this time can they be coaxed gently to talk about it.

Sounds like it might apply to your situation - maybe your ds is more introverted and needs that space and extra time alone to process his feelings.

[mamaduck]

Well, I used to think he was an extrovert. But as he ages he seems to be gradually becoming more introverted. The thing is, he *never* comes to a point of being ready to talk about whatever happened. There is no period of processing, externally or internally. He puts it out of his head as fast as he can and moves on.... and anyone who tries to bring it up again better hold on to their hats, because he gets furious!