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Alfie Kohn blasts "Supernanny" - Page 27

post #521 of 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
I'm sorry if you felt attacked! It's just that many of us who connect with styles like UP, AP, unschooling, and so on, often hear others saying things like, "You should just do what works for your family and not worry about the 'label'" -- as if anyone who's brainstorming about how to better apply the principles they've been learning is just trying to "fit in" to some particular style.

I see now that you're not saying that, you're just talking about your family.
I don't feel attacked, just missunderstood

I find it hard to get my thoughts down in text as they are in my head. It's frustrating that sometimes people take from my replies something that I did not intend, imply, believe in, agree with, etc.

I guess that is one of the hazards of this kind of communication. Thanks for understanding.
post #522 of 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenmama2AJ View Post
I think that many parents don't do what feels natural, but rather what they are taught is the "right" thing to do. CIO is a great example of this.

I think what's interesting in this debate is that there is consensus that parenting styles can be placed on a scale - with coercive/punitive at one end and permissive on the other.

What is being debated is where do we draw the line on that scale as to what is acceptable behaviour and punishment and what isn't?

When Mammal Mother wrote about forcing her daughter to sit on her lap - that is a punishment. I think her point proves though that punishments (mostly called "consequences" by us gentle folk who hate to think we would punish a child) are not a negative thing in themself.
What is negative is the way that punishment is applied and why you are applying a punishment in the first place.


Obviously, Mammal-Mama is a loving, gentle parent who has her daughters best interests at heart. She teaches her child the limits in our culture and society - which are very valuable things to learn, not purely from a safety point of veiw, but because children need to learn the "rules" so that can be embraced by others as cooperative members of their society. And if that means you need to sit on mama's lap until you can interact without hurting others, then the punishment is not only fair but gentle.

Punishment in itself isn't the real issue. The real issue is with how or why we punish our children.
You've said it so much better than I have been trying

I consider what mammal_mama did to be a time out (just not like SN would do it, or how I would do it), but that is just my perception of the situation.

Do I think there was a different way to handle the situation … sure … there are probably lots of ways she could have handled it. Mammal_mama did what she felt was best in that particular situation as it was unfolding. If she’s thought about it since and feels there is a better way to handle it if it occurs again then that’s great. This is how I see parenting … assessing each situation, responding to it, learning from it, then moving on to the next … that’s how we learn and grow as people/parents.
post #523 of 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by H & J's Mom View Post
I consider what mammal_mama did to be a time out (just not like SN would do it, or how I would do it), but that is just my perception of the situation.
I guess I perceive time out as "depriving my child of my loving presence" -- and since I wasn't doing that, I didn't see it as a punishment but simply as coercion, which I prefer not to engage in ...

But you guys have sure got me thinking ... sounds like more of you agree with my dh than not.
post #524 of 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
I guess I perceive time out as "depriving my child of my loving presence" -- and since I wasn't doing that, I didn't see it as a punishment but simply as coercion, which I prefer not to engage in ...

But you guys have sure got me thinking ... sounds like more of you agree with my dh than not.
I think everyone's perception of a time out is probably different. That is my issue with the blanket statement that punishment/rewards are wrong/damaging.


I am very present and loving during what I call time out with my son.
post #525 of 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by H & J's Mom View Post

If you read just before this in my post, I mentioned that I never knew there were different parenting method/labels.
Wow, so you had never even heard of Attachment Parenting? I'm curious how you found this board.
post #526 of 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueSkyJennifer View Post
Wow, so you had never even heard of Attachment Parenting? I'm curious how you found this board.
Nope, never heard of it until I joined MDC.

I found this board when i was searching the net for info on an issue with my DS. It brought up a thread from here concerning the same issue so I joined to post my question concerning DS.

After that I started reading all these great threads and got hooked
post #527 of 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueSkyJennifer View Post
Wow, so you had never even heard of Attachment Parenting? I'm curious how you found this board.
i never heard of the labels until I came on board either. now i have a better understanding of some of the labels
post #528 of 529
I am returning this thread. I have removed several posts for user agreement violations.

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post #529 of 529
yesterday i made a comment which many of you may have taken as a slight. i meant nothing by it. if anyone was offended it was not my intentions.
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