My son wants to be a girl (update, #33, not good) - Page 2

[Past_VNE]

I don't have any advice to add, but...

I just wanted to say I think you're doing the best for your son and that you're wonderful for being the parent he needs, whether it proves to be a 'stage' or whether he is trans. You rock, Mama!!

[MusicianDad]

Guess I was wrong about getting flack for my suggestion.

Sorry I underestimated the women here.

[mama_daba]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Guess I was wrong about getting flack for my suggestion.

Sorry I underestimated the women here.

mdc is a unique place

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by moonfroggy

mdc is a unique place

Well I'm still learning. A close friend of the family is transexual and the crap he got growing up for wanting to dress like a girl, especially from his parents, it's amazing he's still such an incredible and confident person.

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by Past_VNE

I just wanted to say I think you're doing the best for your son and that you're wonderful for being the parent he needs, whether it proves to be a 'stage' or whether he is trans. You rock, Mama!!

:

personally, i wouldn't let him be affected by anyone else's intolerance, whether from family or the general public. if you "let" him wear dresses at home but not outside, he'll probably internalize there's something wrong with it (when really it's just the naysayers' own issues).

at such a young age you'll have to choose how much info you want to give him regarding reassignment. maybe you could just leave it at "our bodies change a lot as we get older. if you still feel this way then, you can choose do something about it and we will support you."

good luck with this. what an interesting journey. i'm actually a bit surprised that my son's not going through the same thing (he only asked once or twice to wear my eyeshadow when he was about 2yo) but as long as he doesn't ask me to call him "lightning mcqueen", i don't care how he lives his fabulous little life.

[megincl]

Just chiming in as I have a boy who bends gender boundaries (see the blog, as mentioned by a pp...thanks!

I think that, in your heart, you know how to honor your son and whoever he is. Whoever said to take it day by day, I believe is right. I'd venture to guess that your son isn't so much struggling with who he is and what he likes right now but, to a certain extent, you are, or at least you're struggling with how to reconcile him and his self expression with the messages the world sends to us.

That's the hardest for me. But I just try every day to honor Q and who he is working on being in the world.

It's definitely a journey.

be well,
megin

[melissanc]

I too was pleasantly surprised with the open mindedness of those on this forum. If only the rest of the world was the same.

When Chris began to to really exhibit interests usually associated with girls I went through a range of emotions. Was it my fault? Was it the divorce? Did letting him have long hair somehow " cause " this? Then I realized how much I was over reacting. I have a happy, intelligent child that is an absolute joy to be around and gets along with almost everyone. If only every mom was so lucky.

When you do decide to allow your child to express his/her self be ready for an emotional roller coster but one that is well worth the ride when you see how happy your child is. I still remember Chris first time in public in a dress. I was a nervous wreck and Chris was loving it. When the girls he plays with asked why the dress the answer was so simple...I like it! And with that the kids started playing and nothing else was said. I just wish adults were as easily accepting! And if the day comes you know for sure your child is straight, gay, transgendered or some other part of the rainbow you can simply love and support them and know you are doing the right thing.

[SeekingSerenity]

First of all, let me say THANK YOU, from the very bottom of my heart, for the love and support everyone has shown. I simply cannot tell you what it means for me to know that I am not alone and that my son is also not alone. I mean, I knew that, but it's so important to hear it.

Originally Posted by Ziggysmama

Also I think that you need to put your childs comfort in front of his uncles and the publics, I understand you want to protect him from harm, but forcing him to smething other than himself may be just as damaging.

I just had a talk with him (the uncle) last night. It really didn't go well. Let me clarify the situation a bit by saying that my children and I actually live with my best friend and her husband (and he is the one who is referred to as the childrens' uncle, as my friend is my sister in so many ways). We've been here a little over 4 months, having escaped an abusive situation with the childrens' father. We are indebted to this wonderful family for opening their hearts and home to us for all this time, allowing me to give birth right there in their bathtub and helping me in these months of unemployment and home-searching.

However, now there is this issue. Uncle B has such a huge problem with my son and the way he's acting... and after this talk, I've realized that it's more than that, it's also Uncle B's issue with HOW I am handling it. He completely disagrees with my support and encouragement of my son to be and dress as his heart tells him he should. B thinks it's a phase, possibly brought on by the abusive treatment from the father. And that if I encourage this behavior, my son will either not grow out of it or will end up being hurt by the other children (although he's not in school yet). He made it pretty clear he thinks I am actually endangering my child by allowing this.

The compromise is that my son can't wear girls' clothing when Uncle B is at home. No evenings and no weekends. I hate this, because it goes against everything my heart says is right. I believe in my child and don't want to have to tell him at 5 pm every day that he has to take his clothes off and put on something else. But it's not my house, and this is obviously a very big deal for the man whose house it is.

Originally Posted by melissanc

Be careful of anyone that would ask you to force something on your child such as "making " him become more boyish. Several times I almost allowed the opinions of others to alter how I raise him. Even to the point of cutting his hair short which now I thank goodness I did not go through with. I honestly believe it would have been horribly traumatic and we both would have been miserable. I would allow him to act and look the way he is most comfortable. If like us that means wearing dresses or having really long hair so be it.

I did cut my son's hair a few weeks ago, but he fought it tooth and nail. Now he is back to begging me to let him grow it long, and since the weather won't be nearly as hot in the coming months (well, once we get past August and the first part of September) then I think that I will let him make that choice, and wear it long if he wishes.

Originally Posted by ziggy

Believe me, if I have a friend who got teachers to call her Kiwi for eight years of public education, I think you can manage with Adrienne.

Things may suck for your kid at times. However, they will suck more if you don't support hir.

I would never dream of not supporting him. That's why the "compromise" hurts so much. HE doesn't understand why he can't wear his clothes on the weekend or why he has to change in the evenings. And Uncle B has been talking differently to him since I've allowed my child to start dressing openly as he has. Not mean, insulting, degrading or anything name-calling, nothing that would openly make my boy feel bad about himself, but just... different. A little more harsh, maybe, just in general. Uncle B is the only positive male role model my son has, and I don't want to see my child start wondering why all of a sudden, there's a difference...

Originally Posted by MommaFox

PPs. I'm namin' my baby after Cap'n Tighpants.

Totally OT, but that is SHINY!!! Oh and, my newborn? His name is Nathan...

Originally Posted by avivaelona

But its great you are so accepting, but despite our best intentions I don't always think its easy to put aside our own expectations. Getting support from parents going through the same thing would probably help, especially for your DH who seems a bit less comfortable.

Is where you live generally accepting of such differences or not? That can be hard. Here there are so many children dressed in gender neutral ways that it is no big deal to see what is clearly a little boy in a dress, or a girl with super short hair and construction boots, often I can't tell what gender a child is all the way up til puberty here so this would be no big deal even in school and I can't imagine a school here putting up a fuss about just treating him as a girl if that is what he wants but it's not like that everywhere. I would be careful about that and make sure he wants that and understands it might be hard to change in the future..once the kids know him one way it would be harder to make a switch.

As for the "DH" he is only in the picture sporadically. And he doesn't have a problem with it - he's simply said I'm making it up. Or that if it's remotely true, he'd "kick his a** until that sh*t stopped." (You see why I left? That was minor, trust me.)

The area I live in specifically is absolutely NOT open to that kind of thing. The metro area I am closest to is one of the most progressive I've heard of (Dallas) but I live an hour away, in the boonies. I am not enrolling my child in school this year in part because of his Asperger's and in part because of his gender issues. There are large, bully-type country boys who ride the bus, and the neighbor, whose kids have ridden in the past year, has warned me that even her perfectly "average" boys have had a lot of problems. I can't put him that situation knowing he may get hurt when he starts talking about his princess collection and cherry-printed sundress. Working, single mom or not, I will most likely be homeschooling.

Originally Posted by caspian's mama

personally, i wouldn't let him be affected by anyone else's intolerance, whether from family or the general public. if you "let" him wear dresses at home but not outside, he'll probably internalize there's something wrong with it (when really it's just the naysayers' own issues).

That's what I am worried about with his Uncle and everyone else.

Originally Posted by megincl

Just chiming in as I have a boy who bends gender boundaries (see the blog, as mentioned by a pp...thanks!

I think that, in your heart, you know how to honor your son and whoever he is. Whoever said to take it day by day, I believe is right. I'd venture to guess that your son isn't so much struggling with who he is and what he likes right now but, to a certain extent, you are, or at least you're struggling with how to reconcile him and his self expression with the messages the world sends to us.

That's the hardest for me. But I just try every day to honor Q and who he is working on being in the world.

It's definitely a journey.

be well,
megin

I've been reading your blog. Let me say it brought tears to my eyes that I am not alone in wanting my son to be who he is meant to be. Your Q is lovely in his tank top, just as my Punkin is gorgeous in his "bejewled suit." (He got it yesterday, a pink top with heart-shaped jewels printed all over it and matching purple pants.) I have found a lot of strength in your words and hope in your son's acceptance of his surroundings, how he is treated differently by some. He's a smart one! I wanted to leave a comment on there to that effect, but there's just no words to describe the relief of knowing we're not alone and somehow, we can make it.

Originally Posted by melissanc

When Chris began to to really exhibit interests usually associated with girls I went through a range of emotions. Was it my fault? Was it the divorce? Did letting him have long hair somehow " cause " this? Then I realized how much I was over reacting. I have a happy, intelligent child that is an absolute joy to be around and gets along with almost everyone. If only every mom was so lucky.

When you do decide to allow your child to express his/her self be ready for an emotional roller coster but one that is well worth the ride when you see how happy your child is. I still remember Chris first time in public in a dress. I was a nervous wreck and Chris was loving it. When the girls he plays with asked why the dress the answer was so simple...I like it! And with that the kids started playing and nothing else was said. I just wish adults were as easily accepting! And if the day comes you know for sure your child is straight, gay, transgendered or some other part of the rainbow you can simply love and support them and know you are doing the right thing.

You, too, give me hope and comfort that I am not alone on this journey. My son actually hasn't gone out in public in his dress yet, but we'll be driving to grandma's tomorrow, so he will... Yesterday when he was picking out his new outfit, I was nervous and self-conscious, but Punkin was in 7th heaven. And he's so proud of his outfit... he just beams with excitement. He cried when he had to take it off early yesterday. And I cried because I don't want to jeopardize where we live and my friendship with these people... I don't have anywhere else to go. But my son... he has rights, too. It's just so hard to know what to do.

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by SeekingSerenity

...a pink top with heart-shaped jewels printed all over it and matching purple pants

i am VERY jealous of this. now *i* want a bejeweled suit!

honestly, rather than risk him wondering "am i weird? is something wrong with me?" because of b's hostility, i might just sit him down and explain that, although b feels the way he does and you're going to respect his wishes since you live in his house, that *you* do not feel that way. i would probably go so far as to tell him that b's view is completely ignorant and wrong. if this ends up being more than a "phase" he's going to have to deal with harder crap than this in the years to come, from other children and adults. i'd do everything in my power now to make him feel like he's 100% correct to feel this way and want to express it however he chooses. if b's treating him differently, your son deserves to know why. it might be hurtful since you just left his dad (congrats for that btw ) but he sure doesn't sound like the "positive male role model" i'd want for *my* kid! sorry the man of the house is offended but those are *his* insecure issues and it's not okay for him to force his ignorance on your kiddo.

[melissanc]

Aww....you are doing an awesome job with your child! Stand your ground and you will do just fine. Good luck with your first day out with the dress! You will be far more nervous than your child but you will be fine!

it gets MUCH easier with time believe me. I am now at the point I could care less what others think family or not. i have a happy child and he is absolutely adoreable girl or boy! I do admit I LOVE the long hair There are even gender " rules" for long hair as well! Amazing how restrictive people try to be with gender.

[Ziggysmama]

Seeking Serenity... You are awesome. I have heard that there is a school for GBLT youth in the Dallas area. Maybe you can google this and connect up with them for some much needed support.

[mystiquesmom]

I couldn't read this and not give you a .

20/20 did a story about transgendered children a little while ago which is on youtube.com if you haven't seen it before (search for 20/20 transgendered children as it is in 5 parts). I wish every parent could be as understanding as you are. Please keep us posted.

[SeekingSerenity]

Originally Posted by caspian's mama

...he sure doesn't sound like the "positive male role model" i'd want for *my* kid! sorry the man of the house is offended but those are *his* insecure issues and it's not okay for him to force his ignorance on your kiddo.

Well, I was going to come on here and reply that, in all other respects, Uncle B is very good role model. I am thrilled with the way he handled the kids in all other respects and it warms my heart to see how great he is with the baby. However...

I am at my parents' house this weekend to visit, the first time in over a year. I'd planned to stay a couple of days, relax, let Pop-Pop bond with the baby (he's very ill) and just not think about it. My parents are PERFECTLY okay with my son in all his "girly" finery. This morning, I got a call from Uncle B.

He basically told me he'd changed his mind about our compromise. It was no longer okay for Punkin to wear his pink clothes and dresses in the house - period. Even when Uncle B isn't there. Apparently, the night after we talked about all this, my son had worn one of my old maternity shirts as a nightgown, and THAT upset Uncle B. And when I left to come see my parents, although I forced my kids to stay unseen in my room, door closed, the entire morning (I even brought their cereal to them, because I didn't want to chance Uncle B seeing the boy in his bejeweled suit), and when I walked the kids out to the truck I made sure Punkin was wearing a boy shirt... Uncle B glimpsed him as he walked past, and caught out of the corner of his eye that Punkin had on purple pants. So now, there are NO girl clothes to be worn whatsoever by any boy gender in his home.

It's okay, though, for Uncle B's 7-year old son to have long, shaggy hair. Uncle B has long hair. Wears it in a ponytail, in fact. So the 7-year old is fine to be emulating his dad. My son cannot even wear one of my old shirts to bed.

I was told that I am "dooming my son's future" by allowing this.

He told me to take another couple of days at my parents'. I didn't bring enough clothing or diapers, so now I will feel strange coming home tomorrow as planned, because apparently I am not welcome there anymore.

I feel absolutely sick about this. My son is so happy in his bejeweled suit. He wore it to Walmart yesterday and no one, not one single person in this conservative, redneck, small Oklahoma town raised an eyebrow. It was suggested to me, however, that I not even HAVE Punkin's beloved clothing, including his new dress (or any of my old shirts he was sleeping in) in the house at all. Uncle B thinks if Punkin doesn't see it, he won't want it. I guess I will have to get rid of my shoes and hide all my own shirts and dresses in a box, or something. What's next, his paper cut-out princess dolls? Will I have to get rid of his Cabbage Patch baby, Sarah, that he's carried everywhere since last Christmas? How far will this go?

I don't talk to him about his parenting skills - it's his house, and I pretty much agree with the way their children are raised anyway. The few minor things I don't agree with, I just don't mention, because it's their family, and I'd never think to tell someone else they are "bad" parents. I was told today that this is due to my bad parenting, though. I guess that's my biggest problem - back to being in a situation where I am being told HOW to raise my child, and not being given a choice in the matter. Because if I don't do it his way, I have no place to go.

I guess, after all is said and done, that very soon we will find ourselves in a shelter anyway. They've helped us and loved us so much... I just can't believe that what clothing a 5-year boy wants to wear is going to destroy friendships and everything else. Where is the fairness in this? How much do I want to compromise about my parenting and my son's right to be his own person?

It breaks my heart.

[DevaMajka]

so many to you. I'll be sending good wishes to you all.

[Past_VNE]

Oh my god... ...I can't even begin to believe his ignorance. (Well....not true. It doesn't surprise me at all.)

Want to come to a farm in Texas?. The overall climate is no more accommodating, but I've got a 20 acre farm and an extra apartment that welcomes bejeweled suits, mama's clothes and everything else.

[caspian's mama]

[ktbug]

is there ANY possible way to find another housing situation?
i know that's probably a remote thing, from reading your posts it seems you're in a big pickle right now, but if "uncle b" is suddenly so alpha male and controlling about just the clothes, how long is it until every single thing your son does becomes unacceptable to uncle b? and where the heck is your "best friend" in all of this? is she allowed to tell her husband to shut up? because i'd be hard pressed.

[mamazee]

It sounds awful. I hate to say it because I know you're in a terrible situation, but it is truly damaging for your son to live with that man. I don't care how nice he is about other things. That is emotional abuse.

[captain crunchy]

Is staying at your parents a possibility? You could help in the caring of your father too -- I don't know all of the ins and outs obviously but is there any way?

That is so sad about "uncle B". He doesn't sound like someone I would welcome in my life at all...

You are a wonderful mama and someday your child will be talking about how you stood up for him(her) and how you respected who he(she) was at all costs and that will mean so much more than the potentially rough times ahead.

Peace to you mama.

[Mom4tot]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

Is staying at your parents a possibility? You could help in the caring of your father too -- I don't know all of the ins and outs obviously but is there any way?

That is so sad about "uncle B". He doesn't sound like someone I would welcome in my life at all...

You are a wonderful mama and someday your child will be talking about how you stood up for him(her) and how you respected who he(she) was at all costs and that will mean so much more than the potentially rough times ahead.

Peace to you mama.

Yes. I also agree with ktbug that if you bend on this, where will it end?

I'm so sorry