VENT about comments from strangers

[changingseasons]

I just don't get it. I mean I realize that there are a lot of people out there (maybe the majority) that feel like you want/need to hear their advice.... but it blows my mind how many negative comments I get about this allergy situation.

I was just at the farmer's market drooling over a table of fabulous looking fresh baked breads... and mentioned that I couldn't eat them because DD was allergic. (Then I had to clarify that we were far more than just GF, because then she was trying to sell me the GF bread.) So the lady proceeds to tell me that I need to just put DD on a bottle. I said no-she's allergic to that too, just because I didn't feel like getting into a debate about it. And she looked at me like I was insane.

I guess I'm always just surprised at how negative people are about me NOT wanting to do formula- as if this is all about my convenience.... Never (ok, rarely) do I get- "Wow, what a great mom! Look at all the sacrifices that she's making to make sure that her daughter is as healthy as possible!" It always seems like they think that I'm being selfish by NOT feeding her formula. : Isn't that what moms are supposed to do? Sacrifice for their children? Make their babies their #1 priority? Who cares if I can't eat eggs. It's a pita, but it's worth it if my daughter can have a chance at a healthy life! What is so hard to get about that??

I know you mamas understand.... this vent is just directed at all random strangers (or family/friends) that feel like they need to tell me how I should be raising my daughter.

[kjbrown92]

The only people I hear saying what a great mom I am for doing all that I do are the people who see me cooking so often and so much trying to find foods that they can eat AND they like. Of course, there aren't many of those people. When we're out, I just say "they can't eat those things" I don't say allergy or intolerance, though sometimes I say, "you can't have it because it will make you sick." I don't usually get weird looks, but my kids are older. I never said anything about it when the kids were younger. I just did without. I've been more local lately because now I know I'm not the only one out there (because of all you people) so now I feel like it's not just me against the world, trying to get my kids healthy. Besides, look what a lot of these people are feeding their children!! I'm so glad that my dd (11, and has no food intolerances, but we talk about healthy food A LOT) looks at a McDs or BK sign and says "yuck" or she'll talk about the chemicals in food when she sees her friends at school eating things with Nutrasweet in them. Just understand that those other people are ignorant, and ignorance is bliss (at least for them). Know that you are doing the best you can for your kids, and I'll give you a pat on the back!!

[Astromom]

I can so relate. Just yesterday I got "So why don't you just go ahead and let him eat the food? It's not like it's affecting his airway!" Um yeah. Lets go ahead and let him eat this stuff -- hey, losing consciousness is just one of those normal things that every toddler deals with, right? It's like they think the kid is somehow deprived. Yep, I'm doing all this totally for fun, no good reason at all. Whee.

anyway, here's another well deserved pat on the back from me... you are an awesome mama and your DD is lucky to have you!!

[LauraLoo]

People. sigh.

I haven't had the same experience as you since we haven't had to avoid as much -- or go through as much. I did find it very strange that I had people congratulate me for breast feeding......It really blew my mind. I just think bf'ing is so natural. Apparently there are a lot of people that think that formula is more "normal" - so why wouldn't you do it? What could possibly be wrong with formula? :

[bscal]

You are a GREAT Mom! Be proud that you are doing the best you can for your child's health. My Dad and sister both have severe food allergies and carry epi pens so we are all very aware of how serious they can be. I was there when my Dad had his first bad reaction several years ago that caused swelling in his throat and breathing difficulties. I would NEVER give anyone a hard time for doing whatever they could to avoid those foods that their child is allergic to -it's scary!

And I've had to deal with some flack from ppl as well because we are very cautious about introducing new foods to our kids, particularly nuts b/c my Dad's FA is to pine nuts. If you haven't dealt with it personally you just.don't.get.it.

HUGS to you for breastfeeding your LO and going without certain foods to keep your baby healthy. Good job!

Beth

[changingseasons]

Thanks you guys, as always, for your awesome support. I'm pretty confident that I'm doing the right thing, so I don't take what they're saying to heart. But it still shocks me when I hear the negativity.

Originally Posted by LauraLoo

People. sigh.

I haven't had the same experience as you since we haven't had to avoid as much -- or go through as much. I did find it very strange that I had people congratulate me for breast feeding......It really blew my mind. I just think bf'ing is so natural. Apparently there are a lot of people that think that formula is more "normal" - so why wouldn't you do it? What could possibly be wrong with formula? :

I know- how did it get to be so impressive and/or strange to see someone breastfeeding their child?!? It amazes me how many people (including most of my friends with kids) just go along with "whatever everybody else does"... like formula, CIO, etc. And then they look at you like you're crazy for just responding naturally and instinctually to your baby. It's very sad.

[Chinese Pistache]

I'm (technically) a stranger and I think you're doing a GREAT job!

[alegna]

I think people are just very very ignorant as a rule.

But fwiw it sounds like you're a FABULOUS mama.

-Angela

[changingseasons]

Originally Posted by alegna

I think people are just very very ignorant as a rule.

amen to that!

[ASusan]

Originally Posted by changingseasons

I guess I'm always just surprised at how negative people are about me NOT wanting to do formula- as if this is all about my convenience.... Never (ok, rarely) do I get- "Wow, what a great mom! Look at all the sacrifices that she's making to make sure that her daughter is as healthy as possible!" It always seems like they think that I'm being selfish by NOT feeding her formula. : Isn't that what moms are supposed to do? Sacrifice for their children? Make their babies their #1 priority? Who cares if I can't eat eggs. It's a pita, but it's worth it if my daughter can have a chance at a healthy life! What is so hard to get about that??

I know you mamas understand.... this vent is just directed at all random strangers (or family/friends) that feel like they need to tell me how I should be raising my daughter.

Yup. I end up telling a lot of people, because we eat out or with other people (or I'm looking to buy something at the farmers' market), and I have to ask about the ingredients in food. There are some, friends included, who just say, "Well, you won't be breastfeeding him much longer." As if that solves the problem! I WILL be breastfeeding him for as long as possible, thank-you-very-much. When I point out that DS's diet will still be severely restricted, and it's better for me to keep breastfeeding so he'll get all the nutrients possible, they don't really get it. And even after we stop BF, I"m probably going to keep mine relatively restricted - because I'm not going to eat ice cream and cake in front of him. THey point out, "Well, he'll have to learn that he can't have everything." Yes, this is true, and he'll have plenty of opportunities to learn that, but inside my house, I want it to be a safe haven for him, not opportunity after opportunity for denial.

[changingseasons]

Originally Posted by ASusan

THey point out, "Well, he'll have to learn that he can't have everything."

Oh, that response always makes me SO mad!!! Yeah, I better teach my child disappointment before anyone else does. That's my job as a mom... :

[elanorh]

I actually started forestalling that "Oh, then switch to formula" comment when people would ask about Ina's allergies and why *I* was restricting (insert long list of foods) from my diet.

I would say, "Ina's allergic to dairy, soy, eggs, wheat, and legumes - we're SO LUCKY we breastfeed, because we could just alter my diet. The only formula she'd be able to tolerate is elemental, costs nearly $50/day, and obviously would mean she and I would miss all the other benefits of breastfeeding - like, reducing the chance that her allergies will last into adulthood." And then smile sweetly. : Another line I would use is, "This is just a couple years out of my life, but it's Ina's entire life, so that makes it worth it for us."

The ILs were absolutely unsupportive and didn't get it. Still don't get it. But they eventually learned to shut their mouths about it because we weren't going to take their 'advice.' I don't know why it's so hard for so many people to understand that actually, parents respond to their children's needs (or ought to), rather than spending their children's infancy and childhood teaching them that their needs are far less important than their parents' wants. It's not about martyrdom. It's about taking care of my child and giving my child the best start I can. With a food-allergic child, that means absolutely doing everything I can to provide safe breastmilk as long as my child is nursing.

[changingseasons]

Originally Posted by elanorh

I don't know why it's so hard for so many people to understand that actually, parents respond to their children's needs (or ought to), rather than spending their children's infancy and childhood teaching them that their needs are far less important than their parents' wants.

Well said. And I will remember your lines for next time I get the "why don't you just put her on formula?".

[Wugmama]

Jumping in to add my vents!

I'm sick of people saying, "I could never avoid all that food, I'd have to put her on formula" - including dh!!! Thanks for the support folks in avoiding all the alergens!!!

A guy in the elevator at the science museum a few months ago took one look at my eczema riddled baby and muttered under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear, "That poor baby". WTF?! I couldn't even open my mouth, I was afraid of what would come out.

And if I have to hear, "Just slather on the lotion and wrap her in seran wrap" one more time.....


~Tracy, who really has much less patience for stupid than she used to.

[changingseasons]

Originally Posted by Wugmama

~Tracy, who really has much less patience for stupid than she used to.

[menomena]

Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

That sh*t pisses me off to no end. DD1 is 3.25 so I am constantly getting "maybe it's time to wean..." from "friends" and family. DH sort of talks wistfully of the day when DD1 is no longer nursing, all the while insinuating that her eczema and other reactions will disappear when she's not getting my reactions through my milk. Thankfully he's not advocating weaning, but it still annoys me sometimes to hear it.

If random strangers started with the weaning "advice" (also known as "assvice") or other suggestions... well, I maintain I am not legally responsible for my reaction.

[changingseasons]

Originally Posted by menomena

"assvice"

thanks- I needed that laugh this morning. And I will remember to let people know that I don't need their assvice anymore!!

[kjbrown92]

I get a lot of the "I wouldn't be able to avoid those foods like you do". Well you could if you had to. It's not like I WANT to. Duh. People are morons.

My dad's girlfriend was the one that said "I think you stress too much about their diet. Just let them eat the stuff. It can't be that bad." This was a little while before DD got into the ever-present candy at their house and had 2 or 3 m & ms. And I counted every time she was up that night (16) and I said next time, I was leaving her at their house for the night so they could see what fun it was. And she's a NURSE!

[lil_miss_understood]

Originally Posted by kjbrown92

I get a lot of the "I wouldn't be able to avoid those foods like you do". Well you could if you had to. It's not like I WANT to. Duh. People are morons.

My dad's girlfriend was the one that said "I think you stress too much about their diet. Just let them eat the stuff. It can't be that bad." This was a little while before DD got into the ever-present candy at their house and had 2 or 3 m & ms. And I counted every time she was up that night (16) and I said next time, I was leaving her at their house for the night so they could see what fun it was. And she's a NURSE!

I've had that comment from DS1's school... Meanwhile, they're trying to get me to stick him on Ritalin (many food reactions for him are behavioral/focus oriented).:
And regarding the first part: ITA.

[matey]

Ugh, I totally understand. It is bad enough i feel like a total crazo trying to explain it to people who dont understand. But the looks they give me. And, hello, formula is not really gonna work out for us. Why the hell would I do that?? I know my MIL thinks I am NUTS and wonders why I just dont stick the kid on formula and forget about it. I try to explain that I need to know what kinds of problems he has beofre he starts on solids completely and that the reactions he has had have been realy bad. People just dont get it.

And I LIKE BREASTFEEDING! I dont want to just give it up! It is way more important to me to do these crazy diets and still have that special time with my son.