Angry at DH for Dying.....VENT

[lisamarie]

As I am writing the subject for this thread, I am getting more and more sad and angry, so please bare w/me.

Last night, as my ds and I were cuddling, he began asking more questions about his dad's death (dh died by suicide on 1/5/00). I have always been honest and tried to make sure that my ds can ask me anything re: his dad's death. But.....last night he asked for the 1st time, "Did my dad want to die?" I told him yes. And of course, he asked "WHY?". I am so angry/sad/depressed right now at my dh for doing this to this precious child. Why would you do such a thing to your own child??? What a (excuse my language) sh*&#@y thing to do! In my head I know that he was sick (mentally), but in my heart, I feel something different.

I'm sorry to vent, but I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Warmly~

Lisa

[charmarty]

lisa~

I am so sorry I have no advice I just wanted to give you and your baby a hug


((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))((((((( (((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))

And to tell you you do have a right to be angry at him.Suicide is viewed as a selfish act.It is hard for those of us left behind to understand why they did it logically.You should let yourself be angry and soon it willl fade.In the meantime I think you are a wonderful mommy to your little boy and I am glad he has you.

[emmaline]

Dear Lisa

I have no words of wisdom regarding your situation. But I must say that I have lots of experience of what happens when kids *can't* ask about the difficult stuff in their lives and it is nothing good.

Your son knows he can ask even the hardest questions and he will get an honest answer from the person he loves and trusts most in the world, his wonderful mother. What a priceless gift.

emmaline

[pina la nina]

Oh Lisamarie - my heart goes out to you and your sweet little boy. I'm thinking of my own dh right now - because he could have been your little boy having that conversation with his mom 30 years ago. But she never told him - his dad just wasn't there, (dh was 2 when heis dad committed suicide) and he didn't find out until he got a copy of the death certificate for the financial aid office at college. His whole world just fell apart - can you imagine never knowing and then seeing that in print as a teenager?

I wish he had a mom that had been honest with him as you are, and even cuddled him (thats a seperate rant! ) but his mom dealt with it by well, not dealing with it. Now she is more open about it and talks about taking him to outpatient psychiatric care - but I don't really trust her to be telling the truth now after all this time. (She comes out with this after one of dh's brother's has an "incident" and is hospitalized - now suddenly its OK to talk about?)

I'm not a person that generally believes in such things but I have to tell you a story and you can believe it or not...

Back when dh and I were dating one of my friends hosted a psychic party - she invited a psychic over and a bunch of freinds and we each got 1/2 an hour in privacy with her. I'd never done such a thing and it sounded like fun - but it actually wasn't. Someting about the room or the night - but everybody she talked with she connected on some pain in their lives and did a lot of communicating with spirits - and with all of us she was right on target. As each person came out the room got sadder and sadder - some people didn't even want to talk about their session, one woman for instance had been told about a son she had given up for adoption and it brought up so much sadness for her.

For me - we started out going over some tarot cards, simply enough, then she said there's a man here who really wants to talk to you and I was startled. She said he's the father of someone you love and he really wants to welcome you to the family. He feels like you will help heal the family. She asked me - who is it? Do you know why he died? And I didn't then, but she told me "he's really sorry." "He misses his family so much, and he just didn't see another way." "He knows that his wife is giving you a hard time, but he asks you to be patient with her, things were so hard for her, and you are going to help her and he is so happy that you are coming into the family."

I'm tearing up right now remembering the feeling. It was one of so much peace and love, I had a strong feeling of his presence, of his sorrow at having done what he did, of leaving his family whom he loved so much. I wish that my dh could have had that experience - whatever it was, but I do believe it was real. I guess it made me feel like - they can hear us even when we can't hear them. And that if he's anything like my FIL, he's in a good place now - but he carries his sadness at what he did, and your anger is totally justified, and he accepts that. It will never take away what happened or give you understanding of why he left when he did. And I don't even know if you believe this story from somebody over the internet that you don't even really know or wonder what relation it has to your life, I don't blame you.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that my dh is the most amazing man, a wonderful father and husband and I'm sure your son will be too one day, all the more so for being surrounded with the love that you give him and that he has from his great stepdad. I wish you strength and courage in this - I can see you're already approaching it with a lot of bravery and honesty and I'm so so glad. You are a wonderful wonderful mom - I send tons of e-hugs!

[lisamarie]

As I am reading this, this morning, I am tearing up. How can the words "Thank You" relay what I am feeling. I feel so lucky to have this community of support and love.

I do believe in what happened to you pina. And you describing your dh, gives me so much hope for my ds. I am SO, SO sorry how he had to find out about his dad~how devistating for him.

Thank you guys & luv ya!

Hugs~

Lisa

[flutemandolin]

(((((((((((((((((((lisamarie))))))))))))))))))))

Just wanted to send some good hugs your way. You're dealing with a hard situation in an extraordinary way.

My first thought when I read this was, I've never dealt with anything quite like that, but then I remembered one night about a year ago, when dh was feeling particularly down about a situation concerning child support with his ex, and he actually left me a suicide note and went driving off into the woods at 2 am. He came back, thankfully, but all the while he was gone I could only think how angry I was that he would leave me & ds & dd (I was pg also but didn't know it yet) over a situation with his ex!

My thoughts are with you and your son.

[saige]

Oh,Lisa,how can I write how much I want to hug you right now? I cannot imagine going through this and having a little one to answer to.I'm so sorry this happened to you.I had a boyfriend who killed himself when we were teenagers and it was horrid to go through,I cannot imagine going through it as a spouse with a child.You are very brave and wise to be answering his questions openly and honestly.What a wonderful mother you are.

[Ms. Mom]

I just want to ecco what others are saying. Your such a dear sweet person.

As I'm still dealing with anger over my fathers suiside I can really relate to what your saying. My ds's questions are so similar and I too feel so angry that he has to deal with this.

Dane is a very lucky boy. You've given to him in so many ways and he knows your deep love. He too is going to feel the rage you have now, maybe more as he gets older and the reality hits him.

I have no advice for you, because your doing everything perfect. I just wanted you to know I care - I'm an email or phone call away if you need me.

[SoHappy]

Dear LisaMarie, although I've never been through something like this, I felt every sentence you wrote. I had tears in my eyes -- sad tears for the unimaginable pain you must experience and happy tears for the obvious and bigger-than-life love you feel for your son. You are just what he needs. Thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts. Love.

[Greaseball]

I'm sure the anger is more common when our loved ones are to blame for their own death. Harley died in an accident but it was his own fault and was totally preventable. I feel like he ruined my life. Not my ENTIRE life, of course, but there will always be this one part that will just never be OK.

The day after I heard about the accident I went to Harley's house, hoping he would be there so I could kick his ass for making me worry. When I finally meet him in the afterlife that's the first thing I'm going to do. I keep thinking that maybe someday I'll see him hitchhiking, or I'll come home and he'll be sitting on my front porch, and if that ever happens I'll beat the crap out of him and tie him up and keep him in a closet so he can't go off and die again!

Congratulations for telling the truth. I believe suicide should always be talked about. Not everyone thinks so, though - I heard that MTV beeps out the word "suicide" in music videos, like it will help prevent suicide, but I think it just gives people the idea that it's something that shouldn't be talked about.

A lot of people's lives are forever changed all because Harley decided that getting drunk and going canoeing was more important than his original plan of getting together with me to help me pack stuff to move into my dh's place, which I had paid him to do, and he died with the money on him, dammit! That day I had also given him more money so he could get a tattoo. When the cops said that most likely his body would never be found, I was hoping that somehow his wallet would still surface.

Now every time someone is late or doesn't show up I think they're dead.

[jasnjakesmama]

I have no words of wisdom for you, I am just so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this pain.
You and your son are in my thoughts....

((((Lisa and son))))

[ldsapmom]

((((((((hugs))))))))))
My step-dad committed suicide this past August. I know how bad it hurts from where I am--you are so much closer. I will write more later, or maybe pm you.

*heart*
Stacie

[lisamarie]

Idsapmom~

I am so, so sorry to hear about your step-dad. Such a recent and sudden loss, its so hard. Sending you and your family hugs and healing. Thank you for listending.

Warmly~

Lisa

[Sierra]

Reading this thread I have just been totally overcome with such a sense of thanksgiving for having this community in which we can talk about our losses and share the pain. And Lisa, I want to let you know what a wonderful mom I think you are to Dane, and how valid your anger is.

Sierra

[lisamarie]

Sierra~

Thank you and I feel so lucky to have you guys!

Much Love~

Lisa

[lisamarie]

I had a frustrating day today. My late dh's best friends family is still involved alot in our lives. To make a very long story short~I spoke w/one of these family friends today (he STILL at 41 lives w/his mom, whom I was calling for). Anyways, for being a very shy man, was very rude to me. He said "What are you calling for?" I got the feeling that he blames me for Rob's death . I've accepted that Rob's family blames me for his suicide, but now this. His sister, who is supposedly my friend(and I heard from another family member) also has feelings about this. She is about 50/50 about it. How do I deal w/these people??? I get so tired of it all. Am I to blame??? Deep down I know I'm not, but people have me questioning myself.

Thanks~

Lisa

[pina la nina]

oh sweetie!

you are NOT to blame! Obviously this family has no idea how horribly you have suffered and can't seem to wrap their brains around their own pain (I think anyone looking to blame somebody is clearly in some serious denial). What a mess! I'm sorry you have to keep having this brought up by dealing with people who can't treat you well.

It seems to me like these folks were so close to your late dh that if they have you to blame they'd end up having to blame themselves. They can't deal with the fact that there is noone left to blame and that blame isn't even going to help anything here.

You are a better person than me by even being friends with them. I'm not sure I'd have the energy or desire to be around people who kept these feelings about me, even if they acted nice. For your friend maybe you can talk to her and get it out in the open. For the son/brother - screw that - he doesn't sound worth your time, he makes me mad and I've never even met him! He obvoiusly has his own life issues to deal with and he's probably never going to get it. Don't let him get to you. There will always be idiots, its not a nice thing to say but sometimes I just have to remind myself of that and let it roll off my back.

Hugs to you! And Happy Senior member status!!!

[lisamarie]

Thanks Pina~

I really needed to hear that this morning. I agree, I do need to confront my friend and talk w/her about things. And yes, screw the brother, he isn't worth it. Sometimes though, when people keep pointing the finger, you begin to doubt yourself.

Last night I had a dream and my dh was in it. He looked good and I asked him what heaven was like. He smiled and said how beautiful it was, warm and so much light. I'm crying as I write this, because in my ehart, I feel that it was real.

Hugs~

Lisa

[hahamommy]

{{{{{{{{Lisa}}}}}}}

Ain't this bleepin roller coaster ride fun?!?!? I am still amazed at the cycling of friends in my life, how long they can handle my grief and it's idyosyncrocies (sp). Even family concern seems to ebb and flow... I am grateful things in my life worked out to eliminate that doubt (it had been a real concern- MIL wondering the same thing) I am so sorry for this difficult lesson, I know you will learn what needs to be learned and move on, it's the only way. Luckily, when life doesn't suck this bad, you can look back and be grateful you're not here anymore.

P.S. I can say this as I cycle out of the anger phase and into a very zen-like peace-filled acceptance for the very first time, really. (I'm sure I'll be back, but not so long next time ... this is much better )

Peace to you Lisa!

[hahamommy]

You'll understand this...

I'm filling the sink with warm soapy water last night. Okay so it's the third time I've filled the sink and still not washed the dishes in it. Clear as a bell, Mitch's voice in my ear, "Oh, I see you're warming up the dishes again." Just snide (that frontal lobe thing) ... I got defensive and mentally stammered for an excuse for not doing them (again!).
Today, I refused to wash them just on principle that I'm pissed he's not here to wash them for me!
I'll wake up tomorrow and clean the freaking kitchen, grumbling about him, no doubt. Then I'll probably cook in his honor.