Dear DP's...NEVER, ever call your pregnant wife "Sloppy"....

[hislittlelambs]

I am a complete emotional wreck. Last night it came out how my husband of 8 years "really" feels about me, and it is breaking my heart. :

Last night he called me "sloppy". Nevermind that I am 6 months pregnant with our 4th child, nothing fits me aside from his old lounge pants and tshirts. I cry weekly as it is over the "loss" of my appearance. did i mention this is our 4th child in 6 years? did i mention i homeschool his 2 older children and chase his 1 year old son through the house cleaning up spills, markings on walls, and changing diapers non stop? do i NEED to mention the physical and emotional limitations pregnancy induces, that i constantly war against....because my heart WANTS to do so much more around this house, and I just can't physically do it on my own no matter how hard i try? did I mention that just yesterday i almost started crying to a friend about feeling like such a failure, and then a few hours later husband validates just exactly how much of one i am? ok so he gets up at 4:00 am to get extra work done from the office and to help with dishes or laundry...i WOULD do that if my body wasn't so exhausted,i can't help that i need the rest for the pregnancy. I am up at 6am as it is with all 3 kids, and by 9pm i crash no matter if i want to or not (and i HATE that...i'm just so exhausted!)...how can he offer to do that (which is VERY kind getting up so early!) but then hold it over my head and judge me by it? He can't understand why I am so upset. He feels completely entitled to his opinion....albeit a very, low, opinion of me. it just crushes me. i feel so invalidated and taken for granted for what I AM able to do...I don't know why i kill myself to even try.

i just want to crawl into a hole and cry.

[Collinsky]

Mama! I couldn't read and not reply. How hard!! You are NOT sloppy. You are amazing. You are a goddess. Look at all you do! If that's not superhuman strength I don't know what is. You are just about invincible! Look at you! You are AMAZING.

Can you get some help around the house, someone to come in once every couple weeks? Or a young teen to be a mother's helper so you can get some rest or something done without having to worry about the kiddos? You sound exhausted and pulled in a hundred directions and just overwhelmed.

My last pregnancy wiped me out...it was also my fourth, also in six years. It was awful. It just did me in, I was D O N E. And yet I had to keep going. As much as it kind of irks me to hear about women who seem to breeze through as many pregnancies in as many years... it breaks my heart to hear you sounding that run down. And your Dh doesn't seem to be being very sensitive at all. I dont' know him or enough to say, Oh, I'm sure he just doesn't realize or to say, He's a meanie!... only you know that. I do know that when you are tired - that special kind of 4th pregnancy in 6 years tired - it feels very isolating, and it beats you down, and no one can understand or appreciate it.

I feel for you mama. Thinking of you tonight!!! PM me anytime if you want to talk more.

[amitymama]

mama, it must feel really crappy to have your partner think you're just choosing to be lazy and to not understand the physical limitations of pregnancy. Some men are just not able to empathize because they just. don't. get how physically challenging it is. They just think you carry the baby on your front and gain a bit of weight and that's it. : Was he this way in your previous pregnancies as well or is this a new thing? If it's a sudden development then I'd be tempted to say that he was upset about something else or just feeling tired and cranky himself and took it out on you. You know that saying -- you always hurt the ones you love. It sucks but it happens to all of us.

Talk to him, tell him how much he hurt you with his words and ask him to be more understanding of your limitations at this time. Maybe showing him some articles on what pregnancy entails and what it does to a woman's body would help him understand better? I know my own DH thought I was being a tad overdramatic about how I can barely eat because my stomach is all squished up and have to pee constantly b/c my bladder is compressed but then I showed him a cool animation thing that shows what happens to our internal organs when we're pregnant and he couldn't believe it. He now fully believes me and even called me a 'superhero' for enduring pregnancy.

[hislittlelambs]

thank you

thank you both so much for replying. no, he hasn't been this way with the other 3 pregnancies. he is usually a very very compassionate, understanding person. it shocked me when he said it at first, and then flat out baffled me when i realized he wasn't kidding. idon't know exactly where all this is coming from. i have asked himto give me specifics, which he refused to do when he saw how upset i was...so i can't even defend myself or tell him why i may "not" do the things. i am not careless or lazy...i am very purposeful,

and very overwhelmed
and angry at being so limited,
and upset that he thinks so lowly of me.

i am sure i will be fine. another 12 weeks and this part will be over. it's just upsetting when it comes fro the one you are most vunerable to, and whom you expect to be the most compassionate to you, you know?

thank you so much for the reaffirming words. you have no idea how. much. they. mean to me.

[mom2kaydncolt]

Wow, I would be upset too if my DH said that to me. I'm on pregnancy three in three years and while this has been my best pregnancy yet there are still physical, emotional etc limitations! I do as much as I can when I can and I think I've made it pretty clear that he is not allowed to complain. He doesn't like the dirty dishes - he can wash them. He doesn't like not having clean underwear? do a load of laundry. He'd have to have totally lost his mind to belittle me though. I know how you feel it is so frustrating to want to do so much and not have the energy to do it. We're heading into that last stretch here and the last month of my last two pregnancies I wanted to do so much but just didn't have it in me. So I'm trying to do as much as I can now so I can be ok with not getting things done those last weeks. Perhaps if it will make you feel better to get it out you could write a letter to DH? I know sometimes verbal confrontations can go awry and we can forget what we wanted to say etc.

Also I'd be interested in seeing that animation a previous poster mentioned. My husband doesn't complain but I also know he's not particularly empathetic, I think he believes I use the pregnancy as an excuse which I try really hard not to do.

[laohaire]

Men absolutely don't get it.

They are physically different, for starters. They have more energy, they are stronger (so various tasks are just easier for them), they breathe more and their heart pumps more blood.

And yet despite their physical advantages, most of them don't do half the work their wives do. Reading this forum shows that most of them barely participate in housework and leave the responsibility to the children to their wives. Even if they do "favors" like a few dishes when asked, or plopping a kid in front of a tv to give their wives a "break" for 30 minutes, it's not nearly the same.

Men get more downtime, which helps them recover from what stress they might have or effort they have spent. Most women never get a break.

And finally, they don't get pregnancy at all. They don't get the huge amount of energy expended when growing a HUMAN BEING. They don't get the chemical changes at all. It scares them, and the only way they can feel remotely safe is by labelling us "crazy" "weak" or "lazy."

Reading this post you'd probably think I had an insensitive brute of a DH; I don't, he's an angel. He's supportive and he is DD's main caregiver and (as much as I really hate to admit it) the main housekeeper. So it's not my experience with DH speaking (though honestly I don't think he understands pregnancy either - but at least he respects it) but just observing men in general.

[sapphire_chan]

However, it was wonderful of your husband to volunteer to spend the weekend watching the kids and cleaning the house so you can go out to a day spa for pampering followed by a trip to a pregnancy clothes boutique for some cute outfits. Invite a friend!

And that is the ONLY possible excuse for his remarks to you. Is if he's offering to give you a chance to feel better.

[mommathea]

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry you feel this way, and your dh and verbalized it.
I know how you feel, this is my 4th pregnancy in less than 5yrs. It does take a huge unimmaginable toll on your body. I am sorry that the super human feats you are accomplishing are not being validated. You are such a strong woman, and deserve the world being handed to you while having your feet rubbed.

One thing I do, for me, not anyone else. Saturday night, after the kids are in bed, no matter the state of the house, or what needs to be done, I draw a nice warm bath, light my favorite candle, and soak in the tub till the water gets cold, sometimes I refill it again and soak more. Get a pumice stone and scrub my feet. When I get out a lather up with cream put some nice thick socks on.
It is amazing how much better I feel about myself taking just that short time 1x a week for myself.

You need to take care of yourself, not for anyone else, for YOURSELF.

[skyblufig]

Originally Posted by hislittlelambs

thank you both so much for replying. no, he hasn't been this way with the other 3 pregnancies. he is usually a very very compassionate, understanding person. it shocked me when he said it at first, and then flat out baffled me when i realized he wasn't kidding. idon't know exactly where all this is coming from. i have asked himto give me specifics, which he refused to do when he saw how upset i was...so i can't even defend myself or tell him why i may "not" do the things. i am not careless or lazy...i am very purposeful,

and very overwhelmed
and angry at being so limited,
and upset that he thinks so lowly of me.

i am sure i will be fine. another 12 weeks and this part will be over. it's just upsetting when it comes fro the one you are most vunerable to, and whom you expect to be the most compassionate to you, you know?

thank you so much for the reaffirming words. you have no idea how. much. they. mean to me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this while pregnant! My dh made the "mistake" of posting something on his public blog while I was prego with dd about how I've got "triangle boobs -- must be the breastfeeding" (!) I was so emotional at the time anyway, and just absolutely crushed that he would a.) make that opinion public and b.) not understand exactly how hurtful that was. I ended up staying silent for about a week and then when I just couldn't keep it in anymore, ripped him a new one up one side and down the other. Needless to say, he was confused where this was coming from but once I explained that these "triangle boobs" grew one beautiful babe and were about to feed and nourish another and that he better just keep his opinions to himself in the future, he understood the impact his unthinking words had on me.

Not excusing what your dh said, but I totally agree with a pp who said men have no clue about pregnancy or how it affect us. I mean, that's good he gets up early to help out, but when he's multitasking 24/7 (like you are, growing a baby and all) then maybe you can talk appearances. Come to think of it, not even then. Seriously, if I had 3 and another on the way, it would be a miracle if I was bathing and changing clothes on any sort of regular basis. So good for you for getting through each and every day! I'm proud of you and who gives a (UAV) what you're wearing? If I was there, I'd give your dh a gentle slap on the head and say "Hey! That's great you're helping out, but your awesome wife obviously is pushing herself to the limit and could use some more help, during the day, while you're not here. Could you get on that please?"

Now I'm getting upset for you over here. Take care of you,

[Staciemao]

Here's the thing, mama. You can't give from an empty cup. I see that you are in Europe, which means things are expensive. I also see that you are an Air Force family, which means that you are paid WAY less than you deserve.

But it's time to go and get some cute maternity clothes. You have totally earned the right to feel beautiful again, because you ARE.

Also, men are stupid sometimes, but if he's a lovebug 90 percent of the time, my guess is that he didn't really mean what he said. It sounds like you are both frustrated and overwhelmed. I know I say dumb things when I am tired. As long as he's a sweetie most of the time (and doesn't give you a hard time about getting some nice new clothes) I'd cut him a little slack.

Hope things are looking better for you guys soon!

[Kidzaplenty]

Just wanted to offer a .

I know it can be hard. And I know what it is like to feel unsupported and such. It really is hard.

You might try doing some little things that may not have been doing. Not so much to change his attitude, but I have found that when I did some of the little things I have felt better about myself. Try (if you have not been) putting you hair up (or doing it however you do to make yourself feel pretty) and "sprucing" yourself up a bit just before he comes home. Perhaps find your "best" shirt (it may not be beautiful, but everyone has some that are better than others) and put it on. Perhaps you can't clean the house up, but perhaps you could clean the table off and have a real easy meal set down.

I don't want to sound like I am justifying his words, and nothing anyone can say (even him) can take back the harsh words that were said. But, if he is like most men, he said something that was on his mind but it came out in a really tacky way.

This is your fourth baby in a short time. So that means you may not have been the "pre-baby" person in a long time. Maybe he just really misses "that you". If you understand what I mean.

I know my DH says really stupid things at times. And sometimes it really hurts. And I know he loves me and did not mean to hurt my feelings. He really thought I needed to hear it or he just never thought before opening his mouth (it has been both, many times). But what he would be really saying to me when he has said something like that is that he misses me.

If things have been stressful for you, they have also been stressful for him. Try making a time where you can both sit down and just talk. And I mean REALLY talk. I find that open communication really changes attitudes very quickly. And even the hurt feelings can be melted away once you begin talking again. But inorder for him to open up, you may have to curb your natural "lash back" response and really "listen" to what he has to say. That is a huge deal for me, as I tend to lash back very quickly and loudly. I struggle with myself to NOT do that. And the communication will open up and I will learn a lot when I contain my natural response, otherwise DH shuts down and won't talk at all.

I hope things even out with you soon. Those rocking and rolling hormones are crazy to live with, for both parents (at least they are for both of us!).

[Breeder]

((hugs)) I would have lost it if DH had said something like that to me while pregnant. I hope your spa day is so fabulous that it reminds you that you are a wonderful gorgeous mother who is a superhero for having all that responsibility while growing a human inside of you. You're amazing!

[IceyTheBatmom]

Honey, he should not have said that. Omg, 'open mouth - insert foot' big time! I read this to my DH, he was also suprized, and said (UAV translation your husband was out of line.

[Celticqueen]

Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty

Just wanted to offer a .

I know it can be hard. And I know what it is like to feel unsupported and such. It really is hard.

You might try doing some little things that may not have been doing. Not so much to change his attitude, but I have found that when I did some of the little things I have felt better about myself. Try (if you have not been) putting you hair up (or doing it however you do to make yourself feel pretty) and "sprucing" yourself up a bit just before he comes home. Perhaps find your "best" shirt (it may not be beautiful, but everyone has some that are better than others) and put it on. Perhaps you can't clean the house up, but perhaps you could clean the table off and have a real easy meal set down.

I don't want to sound like I am justifying his words, and nothing anyone can say (even him) can take back the harsh words that were said. But, if he is like most men, he said something that was on his mind but it came out in a really tacky way.

This is your fourth baby in a short time. So that means you may not have been the "pre-baby" person in a long time. Maybe he just really misses "that you". If you understand what I mean.

I know my DH says really stupid things at times. And sometimes it really hurts. And I know he loves me and did not mean to hurt my feelings. He really thought I needed to hear it or he just never thought before opening his mouth (it has been both, many times). But what he would be really saying to me when he has said something like that is that he misses me.

If things have been stressful for you, they have also been stressful for him. Try making a time where you can both sit down and just talk. And I mean REALLY talk. I find that open communication really changes attitudes very quickly. And even the hurt feelings can be melted away once you begin talking again. But inorder for him to open up, you may have to curb your natural "lash back" response and really "listen" to what he has to say. That is a huge deal for me, as I tend to lash back very quickly and loudly. I struggle with myself to NOT do that. And the communication will open up and I will learn a lot when I contain my natural response, otherwise DH shuts down and won't talk at all.

I hope things even out with you soon. Those rocking and rolling hormones are crazy to live with, for both parents (at least they are for both of us!).

I AGREE 110% with this post. Every word Thank you for putting it this way, Jenny!

-Caitrin

[momm-i-o]

Fortunately for us as oblivious as our hubbys might be as to why what they said might have hurt, they are also easily fooled. Before he comes home, declutter the room he will enter when he gets home. Just throw any room extras into a basket (put it away another time). Have a shower and fix your hair- simply but fixed. Put on mascara and lip gloss, perfume and a pair of earrings (not a major deal yet, right?). Then put on his lounge pants and a tank top with one of his button down shirts on top, not buttoned but tied at the bottom. Fool him with a 15 min prep casserole (meat, veggie, pasta or rice and some sort of sauce) with cheese on top that has been in the oven for the 30 min before he gets home, don't forget the salad. Then wait. When he gets home kiss him hello. This may take you all day to prepare but in reality it is less than an hour. He'll think you look great and won't even realize you're in his lounge pants! Not that I'd feel like doing this after that kind of treatment but it is mostly so you can see how he is actually looking at things, he's just tired (though not as tired as you). The rest of the day you sleep when you can, chase whom you must and clean only 15 min at a time. You may consider talking to someone about an adrenal stress test. Having babies so close together is certain to have taken a toll on your adrenals. My nutritional counselor (and retiring midwife) gave me some help with my adrenals and it has worked wonders for my tiredness. She also recommend I take milk thistle for my liver (currently expecting) and that has helped immensely. Don't go get milk thistle- talk to someone qualified about it (I'm not!). Lots of water and salt to taste and a lot more protein than I'm used to has also increased my energy. Vitamin C foods are good for adrenals too. Those you could try. My dh made the mistake of asking me once what I had done all day. In retrospect he may have been asking a sincere question, no underlying motive but I surely didn't take it that way! After mentioning that the house was not a disaster, laundry almost caught up, kids fed, cleaned, cared for and educated I asked him what I left out that I should have done. He backed up pretty quickly and stammered an explanation that it didn't come out the way he meant. He did get better at making things come out better! You're doing fine! Things are just going to be strained for awhile for you. We're here for you so don't be discouraged.

[momm-i-o]

Ok, so that might have been a lot shorter if I would have just quoted kidzaplenty!! She's got some great advice!!