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My Mother's getting married, uninvited my little girl, what should I do? (Very long, but please... - Page 2

post #21 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
those who try to blame it on the mom run the risk of the mom during her weekend and the wedding emphasizing that stepgrandma must have not wanted the child at her wedding since she knows when the weekends fall. This could go on and on. It's probably the new husbands fault anyway. Does he not like children?
?????????????????????
Sounds like to me that the stepdaughter is 100% part of the family. And the relationship between OP and mom's fiance is very good.
post #22 of 33
I would go and frankly I'd not be upset with my mom for planning her wedding on a weekend that works best for her.
post #23 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post

Also, we're asking my stepdaughter's Mother. We're in negotiation phase, but so far, the negotiation is for us to give up four different days (including birthday weekend) so that we can have my stepdaughter those 10 hours on the 6th. It's just a powerplay for her Mother right now. :
This is a no-brainer to me -- the last time your DSD spends the day with her whole family, including her great-grandfather? I wouldn't hesitate before giving up her birthday.

It seems to me like you're also having trouble giving up power in this situation.

As to why the 6th -- is it possible your mom is worried that her father won't last if they pick a later date, but saying that outloud is too hard?
post #24 of 33
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ma_vie_en_rose View Post
Just cuirous what kind of visitation you have? Is it the standard 1st,3rd,5th weekend or do you do every other weekend. I ask because we have 1st,3rd,5th and that means we get an extra weekend this month (two weekends in a row 5th and 1st). For a long time, we just did every other until DH realized how much time he was giving up with DSD. Anyway, I just wanted to ask in case you have that, too. You may actually have her that weekend. kwim
Every other weekend. (And every Wednsday, every other holiday and a total of three weeks during the entire year, as long as those weeks aren't one right after another.)
post #25 of 33
I'd talk to the child's mother...maybe she would allow a change to be made even if she hasn't in the past.

I'd go to the wedding. This is your mother and a guy who has been wonderful to you. They want to married by someone special to them who they believe may not be around, or well enough to marry them later.

If your stepdaughter isn't able to be with you that weekend she may understand more than you think. I'd explain the situation honestly with her and I'd go without apology or regret. This isn't about uninviting a child...this is about not being able to plan everything around her weekend with you although certainly trying to whenever possible.
post #26 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momily View Post
This is a no-brainer to me -- the last time your DSD spends the day with her whole family, including her great-grandfather? I wouldn't hesitate before giving up her birthday.

It seems to me like you're also having trouble giving up power in this situation.

As to why the 6th -- is it possible your mom is worried that her father won't last if they pick a later date, but saying that outloud is too hard?
It feels the same way to me. I'd just give her the four days. It takes you and your dh to engage in a power struggle. Just bow out. And you are getting what you want.
post #27 of 33
What about having a special dinner for your mom, "dad" and SD to celebrate their wedding Wednesday the 3rd? Like a rehersal?

Not quite as "ceremonious" as the event on the 6th, but special enough? It wouldn't have to be elaborate, just meaningful.
post #28 of 33
I really hope that Mom wasn't asked for the time in front of the child. That's a terrible thing to do to the kid, and really unfair to Mom. If it can't be worked out, all Dad has to say to the kiddo is "Mom and I tried to sort it out, but we couldn't."

I've been on that end of the request, and it pretty much sucks eggs. To avoid being "the bad guy", I gave up having the kids home to celebrate Mother's Day with myself and their grandMom, as well as my birthday, my Mom's 74th, and my Dad's 75th - so that the kids could go to their stepMom's cousin's niece's first communion or something along those lines. And then, he had the gall to tell me that if I wanted to see them on Mother's Day, he'd be cool with my picking them up at 6pm, 500 miles away.

Sorry for the vent. I just think it's a terrible thing to do to a kid to put them in the middle of P/A stuff like this.
post #29 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha View Post
I absolutely can't conclude without addressing the idea of asking your step-daughter's mom to switch while your step-daughter is present. HAving read your posts for a while, I hope I am safe in assuming that is advice you aren't going to take. I would assure your step-daughter that she was invited to the wedding, explain that it is on a weekend that she is with her mom, and figure out what you can do to make her feel included. Even if you ask mom (in private) to switch and she says no, this is not information your step-daughter needs... it falls under the category of "grown-up stuff" and something the grown-ups should protect children from.
As a child my mother was inflexible about visitation changes. Visitation discussions--always strained-- often took place in front of me. I did not hear the message that my family wanted me. I heard big problems that the grown-ups in my life couldn't cope with themselves. I heard everybody upset. I heard everybody upset...about me. Each thought, by addressing custody issues in front of me, that they were gaining my understanding. Instead I was just stressed and confused.

I know they were doing their best. Nobody meant to hurt me.

Phanta
post #30 of 33
"We're in negotiation phase, but so far, the negotiation is for us to give up four different days (including birthday weekend) so that we can have my stepdaughter those 10 hours on the 6th. It's just a powerplay for her Mother right now."

How important is this event to your SD? Would she be willing to miss out on seeing her Dad for four days (including her birthday) out of already pretty limited time to come to the wedding? I think in that situation maybe the SD gets to make the choice between the two options.
post #31 of 33
I have to agree with previous posters that you not have this discussion with DSD in the room. It's terribly unfair to little children to place them in the middle of conflicts that they had no hand in creating. I'm firmly of the belief that all parents - bio, step, custodial, non-custodia, etc - should always make an effort to talk about one another neutrally in front of the children. To burden small children with grown-up matters simply isn't right.

That said, I would go to the wedding, too.

Good luck to you and regardless of what happens with DSD, I truly hope you are able to enjoy and cherish the time you have with your family at your mom's wedding.
post #32 of 33
Thread Starter 

We're going. Even my stepdaughter.

Okay, it's been resolved. I'm not happy about it, but I'm used to no-win situations by now. We'll pick my stepdaughter up Saturday at noon, go to the wedding and bring her back to her Mother's house Sunday morning, since we'll be getting back so late Saturday night. We lost Labor Day, first day of school, possibly Columbus Day and the day after her birthday party (birthday is Friday, party is Saturday and we're supposed to have her until that Sunday night.) The only reason we were able to keep her birthday and birthday party day is because we have people traveling from out of town and one of them (if my Grandfather's not too sick) is my Grandmother. For some demented reason, even though I'm Satan incarnate (according to my stepdaughter's Mother) and even though my family is not to be in any way considered my stepdaughter's family (according to my stepdaughter's Mother), for some very strange reason, even though my stepdaughter's Mother has never met my Grandmother and has only heard about her from my stepdaughter, she (stepdaughter's Mother) absolutely adores my Grandmother and practically considers her a saint. (Ummm... hello! That's Satan's Grandmother, you know! )
post #33 of 33

at least you have it worked out

I have been thinking about you, and I'm glad that you got it worked out. It's really just a little bit to give up in light of your grandfather's health, and I think that in the end, you might be very happy that you had to give up those other days. KWIM? If your grandfather passes away, it will be nice to have had her there with you.

I'm glad that she will get to go. It is something she'd want to do, and she is a part of your family. I'm really pleasantly surprised that bio mom agreed. She sounds like a very controlling person. You (and your family) have been acknowledged by her, even if she doesn't realize it.

Count the blessings and look on the good side of this. I'm so happy for you that your whole family will be there on such a special day.

Have a beautiful time.
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