Help me not lose it when I see dd1

[mama_ani]

Tomorrow is dd1's 13th birthday. We're having a family lunch today at 1:00 and then she is having a sleepover with friends tonight.
The house has been a disaster the last few days... a combination of us being really busy (my sister has been in town so the girls have been spending a lot of time with her) and no one feeling particularly well (allergies/sinus infection etc.)
We had a plan in place to conquer the mess before her party. Everyone knew the plan.
My mom wanted to take dd1 shopping this morning for her present. No problem. They were leaving at 9, I asked if she could be back by 11 so dd1 would still have time to help out around here. All morning dd2, dd3, dh and I have been working like mad.
At 10:55 dd1 calls and says "We're just leaving for shopping now." I kind of did a and asked what she had been doing all morning, she said "Nothing. K, bye"
I am so mad. We are all busting OUR butts so that SHE can have a party and she isn't even helping, she's just sitting around visiting my mom and sister. Her sisters don't even get to GO to the party and they are doing the work to get the house/party ready.
I am trying to calm down before we leave for the lunch. Just because tomorrow is her birthday is NO reason for her not to help get ready for the party.
I really really really need to de-stress quickly (while getting dd4 and ds ready to go) so I don't bite her head off.

[alegna]

I would be SO frustrated... but I also think it's probably not her fault. Your mom was the adult. At 13, yeah, she should have pushed more and known what was going on, but it's hard at that age if your mom and sister were leading so to speak- ya know?



-Angela

[neetling]

maybe cancel her shopping trip with Grandma. She's old enough to have some consequences. You DID ask that she be home by 11. Make her reschedule the shopping trip and come home and help.

[KJoslyn78]

If you had told you mom (and not dd) about behing home at 11 - i would have a talk with grandma. if she was in change of returning your dd - that isnt much dd could have done i think.

Of course i would have said (when she called at 10:51) that it's too late now and she needed to come home and help

[Moon Faerie]

I don't know the family dynamics, but if she was already at Grandma's, are you sure it's her fault? She's kinda at the mercy of the adults that can drive, you know. My mil is great at respecting our rules and schedules, but I can't even get my mom going if she's not ready. It all on her schedule. And my brother is even worse.

[fek&fuzz]

If she's like many 13 year olds, at 9am she was still sound asleep. But if she's at gma's gma should have said "we need to leave at 9 so we can be back at 11" and then woken your daughter up earlier.

[mama_ani]

Thanks for all your replies. The more I think about it the more I think the posters who said it's probably not her fault but that of my mom/sister are correct. They are the kind of people who would decide dd1 shouldn't have to help so they would make it so she can't.
I really should have said my mom could take dd1 shopping AFTER the family lunch, or yesterday, or any other day. I wish I could have had dd1 do her cleaning before shopping but as it was she was up at 7 to do her paper route.
Okay, I am breathing now. In 10 years this won't matter. In a year it won't matter. Even in a month it won't matter.
I need to let it go and make a better plan next time anything involves my mother/sister.

[fek&fuzz]

Maybe just consider her no-cleaning as part of her birthday gift. We always had a week off of chores for our birthday.

[imagine21]

Write it down, but don't say anything now. Grandma would be hurt if she didn't get to shop with dd1, and you will lose if you bring it up today. Enjoy the day, enjoy the party and know that you will get the final word tomorrow when you give her the well worded letter explaining that you didn't want to hurt grandma or ruin her birthday and at the same time you felt that she took advantage of you and her sisters, whether she intended to or not. List what is expected of her to make up for the slight, and the consequences if anything like this happens again. It doesn't have to be a fight, but it does need to be addressed.

[mommy68]

I have a 13 yr old and I know how they can be. Plus, it's her birthday. I'd likely give my child a break and do everything myself. But after their birthday is over, things would be very different.

[Labbemama]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

Maybe just consider her no-cleaning as part of her birthday gift. We always had a week off of chores for our birthday.

A whole week? Lucky you! Hey,can I take a week for my bday.

Yeah, I was thinking it's her bday cut her some slack in the cleaning dept.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I agree that you can't put the entire responsibility on her. And you probably should have responded at 10:55, not just let her go.

However, her little sisters, who are being excluded from her party, did the work, right? So, they should either be included in part of the party (if practical) or 13 YO should do something extra nice for them in the next couple of days to say thank you. Even if you have to fund it under the table. They are the ones that seem to be getting the short end here.