A Teacher and A Mom...awkward-now what!? Tell me about toddlers!

[mama2mason]

I teach at a Montessori school where my son also attends the toddler room. (I should say two's room, because they have now done away with the mixed age grouping, and he is in a room of 2-3 year olds...not sure how I feel about this fact alone. The teacher says she can "do more of what she wants to do" with the age groups like this.)

I have some SERIOUS concerns, but I feel so awkward being that I am also employed there. If I was just his mom, and didn't work there I would have addressed these concerns on the spot. Now I find myself hemming and hawing, as I don't want to jeapordize my position...then I find myself guilty because my son needs me as an advocate no matter what, and I should have talked to someone right away. I feel terrible all around, and don't want to upset the apple cart. I have already addressed other concerns that I have about the school, and they weren't all that well received. The administration LOVES my son's teacher, and thinks that she is fabulous....I like her, but wonder and worry about some things I have seen and heard. I will list these things below. Someone, please help me navigate the rocky waters of being a mama and a teacher....my heart is aching to stand up for my little boy, and so I plan to do that. How do I do it diplomatically, respect a coworker, maintain my teaching position, but most importantly stand up for my little guy and get him the care he deserves. I am also not trained at the toddler level, and so I don't want to make judgements about what this teacher is doing when I haven't been trained at that age. But common sense tells me these things can't be appropriate in a Montessori environment. I love my classroom, and am excited about it, but there are other aspects of the school that I am really uncomfortable with (Elementary teacher who is not Montessori certified, lack of mixed ages at toddler level, administration seems to support staff who aren't doing things the way that I was trained, or even close to what I would consider a Montessori approach, etc.)

First day of school was a short day, 2 hours, My son cried at drop off, and I was told he cried intermittently throughout the day. I didn't really get to observe this day. I did peek in once in the middle of the two hour block. My heart sank and I wished I didn't look. He was sitting in the corner of the room, holding a stuffed animal, and his face and eyes were red and swollen from crying. No one was around him, or even trying to console him. The door to the observation booth opened when another parent came in, and then I think the teacher could see that someone was observing, so she then went over to him. His diaper was beyond soaked when I picked him up. I made a comment about needing a new diaper when I picked him up to hug him, and the teacher was suddenly "I'll take him...I'll change him right now for you....you don't have to do that...if you pick him up and he's gone between the last time we changed him and the time you pick up, we'll change him for you." I was like...uh...no thanks, I'll change him....I don't think my son would have been too excited to be handed back over to his teacher for a change. He wasn't changed while he was there, as he had the same diaper I sent him in with on. I just wrote it off to being the first day, and only a two hour day.

Next day was a full day (ending at 12) My husband was able to observe quite a bit this day. My son did not cry at drop off. He ran in and went right to the corner with the stuffed animal. No one even acknowledged that he was there for more than 5 minutes. He then chose some books to read, and did some other activities. At one point the assistant came to talk to him. Dh said it looked like ds tried to play with a train on the shelf and then she came to talk to him and he started crying and crying. My husband said he cried for a half hour (he timed it) and it was all he could do to keep from running in there to get him. A HALF HOUR....WTH is that? Dh said the assistant tried to talk to him twice, but since ds didn't calm down, she just walked away. The Head Teacher never even attempted to talk with him. She was busy looking in her cabinets, labeling things, etc. No one tried to sit down with him, offer material to distract him, or even offer some nurturing. Is this typical in a toddler environment? Dh had to step out for a Dr's appointment, but came back to observe later. He said at that point the teacher was leading a group, and my son was having fun and interacting.

Dh also saw this teacher telling kids to walk with their hands behind their backs in line, and also moving kids back in place to walk in line if they got out of line. She also took a lesson away from a child while he was in the middle of working on it, and told him to do another lesson. I have personally seen the assistant stand behind my son in the mirror, and without telling him anything just reach from behind and wipe his whole face to clean him. (So much for working on independence...my son is quite capable of washing his own face.) She also leads the children around or brings them for a diaper change by their forearms, not roughly or anything, but still it seems to me that that type of handling is not respectful of the child. My son dislikes being grabbed like that very much, and will even say "no" or pull away. Are these things normal for a toddler environment? They don't seem very Montessori to me.

Tonight we were at a staff party, and the assistant approached my son, he again said "no" and pulled away. I tried to encourage my son to say hello, and while I was there talking with him, her husband said, "So this is the one you were talking about the other day?" ...I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound good!

I just feel uncomfortable all around, and I can't imagine the things I am seeing and hearing are in keeping with Montessori philosophy. I thought the toddler environment was about exploring and learning, not walking with your hands behind your back, or putting everything away perfectly. My previous assistant just took the toddler training, and she said the focus is not on rolling/unrolling mats, cleaning up, etc. but rather exploring the environment. It seems to me that this teacher wants to create a mini 3-6 environment or something....ugh I am so frustrated. Anyone know anything about toddler philosophy? Anyone have any suggestions? I know it was only two days, but am I overreacting or does this seem strange? I am sure his teacher is talented, but something just seems amiss.....

[daytripper75]

This is a tough situation. Could your husband speak with the teacher? Maybe he could take notes from a few days worth of observations and make an appointment with her alone to speak about his concerns. Maybe the one degree of separation might help?

I wish I had better answers for you, this is a sticky situation.

[KBecks]

What other options do you have for your son? I would not feel comfortable with what you have described at all. If your school is the best option available, then I guess I would stick it out but make suggestions directly to the teacher, such as -- please don't come up behind X to wipe his face, he can do it himself and it's scary for him if he doesn't see you coming.

I would suggest immediately addressing any weird comments, like "is this the one?" and ask what they are talking about. I would ask for feedback on how your son is doing, and I would mention directly to the teacher that he was crying for 30 minutes unassisted.

Since the admin supports the teacher, you need to talk to the teacher directly about any concerns because going over her head isn't going to do anything. I would make plain, specific requests, like I said, "please don't wipe his face from behind, (and explain why)". And I would try to evaluate what the most important concerns are. With the crying, I would say "DH saw my son crying for 30 minutes when he observed. I am uncomfortable with him being left that long. Would you please comfort him if that happens again? He needs to feel secure in the classroom."

I would have frequent observations and conversations with the teacher. Treat her with respect but also make your requests and expectations clear.

I would be tempted to quietly choose another M school for your son with a real 3-6 CH classroom, if that option is available to you. I would not like a 2-3 room, and specifically chose a 3-6 CH so my son would be with the older kids and exposed to more material. I thought he would be bored in a traditional preschool. I also chose M because I didn't want my son to be told "line up now" "use the toilet now", very much.... I know he will be directed at times when they do special activities, but I want for him to have freedom to choose his work.....

I would not chose a classroom you have described for my son, if I had a better option. So.... what else is available, and how does it compare? Do you even have a chance to get in another school at this point, or would your son be happier out of school? Is your DH a SAHD? Maybe waiting and reevaluating school options would be beneficial, or maybe you want to give this class a shot for a couple months..... it is still early in the year and maybe he's having a slightly rough transition.

[Rose-Roget]

Maybe approaching the teacher to be as non-confrontational as posslibe. She is a professional and should be able to separate personal and professional. Talk about the goals and philosophy for the pre-primary students - tell her that you are most familiar with x-y age group and it's been a while since you've seen the goals for the younger kids. Find a few things, even little ones, that she did to "praise" and sandwich the concerns in the middle. Say something like, "I obviously am very dedicated to the Montessori philosophy - that's why I chose it as my profession and for my son's education. Parents and teachers say such nice things about you as a teacher. I'm not very well-versed on the goals in the pre-primary classroom - could you tell me about them? I'm much more familiar with x-y age group, where we're working on skills like ____. I know that the first days are chaotic, but my husband and I just wanted to make you aware of some things we know about ds, and a couple of things we saw, to help maximize his learning and success. First, we really liked the way you did ___ - I think that will really help him start to learn ___. I also saw that he was working on ___ in class - that was exciting to see him do! I wanted you to be aware that he is pretty sensitive to touch and that we really have to be careful how to touch him. He will take our hands gently, if we need to hold it, or he is pretty good about following directions about where to go. He strongly dislikes being led around with others holding his arm. Also, he's a really good face washer, if we give him a cloth, because he doesn't like us washing his face. I love that he's that independent. We do have some questions about how transitions into the classroom and comforting are handled. We saw that day 1 was a bad day from him and my heart just went out to him sitting in the corner. How do you typically handle those situations?" blah blah blah....try to end on a positive, as well.

I don't think there is a perfect way to approach this. But being as gentle as possible - trying not to criticize or set the teacher on the defensive too much - may help ease the relationship. She will likely be more willing to listen and comply, not only because you're an involved parent, but also because you're another teacher in the school. She doesn't want to disturb the working relationship either. Respect her and she'll respect you.

I think her husband's comment was a inappropriate, too; however, it could have been referring to an innocent comment she'd made about the fact that one of her co-worker's kids is in her class. You can't demand to know what the comment was now, but at the time, I certainly would have said, "Oh, really? What's that??" (with a big smile).

Those are just my thoughts about how you can approach this delicate situation. Good luck!

[ians_mommy]

Originally Posted by mama2mason

her husband said, "So this is the one you were talking about the other day?" ...I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound good!

That was incredibly rude.

[Lillianna]

Hi mamatomason - I am also a teacher and a mom and can totally relate to what you are going through although my situation was not as blatant. Ours was more subtle like not getting enough attention, falling behind on lessons, etc. It is so awkward and uncomfortable to address these types of concerns with a co-worker but I think you will find a way to discuss it.
I would ask for a good time to call so that you are both able to devote attention to it - instead of catching her before or after class.
I agree with pps you've got alot of good responses so far.
Hang in there, it sounds like you've got quite a challenge with this group.

[mama2mason]

Thank you so much to all of you who offered comments, support, etc. It really means a lot. Today's drop off was terrible...he was crying, screaming, hanging on my clothing....I left the room crying. (Of course I was positive and upbeat with him...and I didn't linger in the room...I know that makes it worse) but then after I left the room and could hear him screaming through the closed door, I broke down. Immediately when we arrived, the head teacher reached for his arm, and in a loud voice started talking about how she had play-doh for him....and then I just went in with him instead, which I think irritated her. She came over and said "I don't just snatch children up, but I'm happy to take him from you if that will help. But I always ask permission first." I politely declined, saying that I'd like to help him get settled.....and then gave him kisses, reminded him I would see him right after he ate his lunch, and then left. I was able to look in on him two times during the morning, and once he was eating a cupcake for a birthday, and seemed okay, and the other time he was sitting in group time waiting his turn to put a block on some kind of structure......he wasn't crying during either of those times. But, his eyes and face always look puffy, and he just looks weary. He does tell me the assistant is "meab" (mean)....but then he also tells me he played a lot, he had fun, he was clapping, he read books, etc etc. So, mean to a two year old could just mean he didn't want to come inside when she told him it was time. In fact, the assistant is the only one I've seen make efforts to calm him when he is crying. She is also the one who does the diapering. But, she is also the one that is always leading kids around by the arm, wiping their faces from behind, etc. Today, the head teacher was trying to get kids down for nap when I picked up....she was like "He did fine today, he did great...." I was thinking....well.........YOUR idea of great and MY idea of great might be different! Everyone at work just says, he'll be fine, he'll get used to it....Well, if you leave a baby in their crib all day and night, they get used to that too....I'm not sure I want him to "get used to it". On top of everything, he was only changed once today from 8-12:30. I did write in the parent communication book that she keeps outside her class that I would like to schedule a time to speak with her.

I love the suggestions that were given by pp's to use gentle language. Hearing it worded like that is a big help, because I want to be as gentle as possible. I do think this teacher has strengths, and I do think there are merits to my son being in a group setting. (He will be attending 8 days or less a month, since my husband only works ten days a month due to his 24 hour shifts. I know sending him 5 days a week would be more "consistent" and would help him "get used to it", but I am just not comfortable with that, and would MUCH prefer to send him only when he HAS to go. I know, as a teacher myself, that it's not ideal for the sense of consistency, but it's what we are comfortable with at this point.

I will try working directly with her, as I really don't want to go over her head and seem like a rat. But, if these observations continue after we speak, I think I will need to go a step further. I am so glad I'm not the only one who thinks these things are odd. I was starting to wonder if I was just being too uppity....In any case, we are writing everything down just to keep track. I guess consistent observations of the same thing would show that it wasn't just a "bad day" or "beginning of the year wrinkles".

It's kind of disheartening that people entrusted to give Montessori experiences don't.........and it's sad that many parent's might not know/see the difference. I'm just sad that what I thought was one thing turned out to be another. I don't want to balk, and make a fuss, and pull my son out of what could turn out to be a very enriching experience. At the same time, I don't want to ignore the fact that I have seen and heard things that don't seem particularly respectful of the child, or in keeping with the Montessori philosophy.

Thanks again for your suggestions. I will try to implement them when I speak with her, and hope that she is surprisingly receptive. I especially like the ideas of spelling out specifics for her....(i.e., he is independent and can wash his own face, please comfort him if he cries for that length of time, it will help him feel secure, etc etc.)

Thanks for being a shoulder and an ear...I really needed it!

[Anandamama]

Ugh, this situation sounds so difficult and you have my sympathy. I have a hard time understanding why the lead teacher didn't spend time with him when he was crying for so long. Seems like it's so important that he get to know her and feel oriented to the environment and the caregivers. And it sounds like her assistant may be good, but need some additional training. My feeling is that above and beyond any Montessori curriculum, the most important thing for the toddlers is that they feel safe and loved. For many of them this is their first experience away from family and home.

That said, I hope it turns out that his teacher really does know what she's doing and that it was just a beginning-of-year oversight kind of thing. I hope you're able to meet with her on common ground. Maybe since you are both Montessori teachers you can at first talk about some of the basics you have in common with your training, and then you can ask her some questions about any particular approach for interacting with the toddlers. That way you can get a sense of where she's coming from and what her priorities are.

I've found that some understanding of the principles of Non-violent Communication is helpful with difficult conversations like that. If you're interested here's a link:
http://www.cnvc.org/

Best of luck! I am a primary-trained Montessori teacher who is currently working with toddlers, so I have special interest in what you're talking about.
Hope you'll let us know how it goes.

[Lillianna]

Originally Posted by Anandamama

I've found that some understanding of the principles of Non-violent Communication is helpful with difficult conversations like that. If you're interested here's a link:
http://www.cnvc.org/

Thanks for this, Anandamama!

ITA with you - the first and foremost priority for toddlers has to be that the children feel welcome and happy.