School-aged dc's with EPI's - Help Needed

[LauraLoo]

My son is anaphylatic to peanuts and tree nuts. We've had an EPI since age 2. Up until recently I've felt like I could be everywhere where he is so I can bring the EPI with us. The school he goes to has his EPI's on hand and they've been trained, so I feel that he's relatively safe there.

But now I'm feeling that I'm keeping him from being a normal little boy. He can't just run over to the neighbors and play without my worrying about "what if." I just keep him in our yard, and hope that kids will come here to play, but it just doesn't happen. The boys in our neighborhood like to play in their yards and I've watched them migrate from yard to yard playing baseball and football, etc.

He could bring the EPI with him, but I just don't trust him to be able to do it by himself, and I don't feel like it's responsible of me to hand over the responsibility to the other mom's to watch out for ds. I just know they'd see it as an inconvenience at best. He's a little anxious socially, so I'm having problems allowing him to explore in a more natural way. Organized playdates just don't seem to happen in this neighborhood -- it's more like the kids all just seem to get together and play, and I haven't been able to encourage him to join in.

Any ideas? What can I do? I just hate the feeling that I'm holding him back and causing him further social anxiety.

[4Blessings]

My DS has had an epi since 11 mo.s old. due to allergies to milk,egg,peanut,tn,etc.

He is allowed to play outside in any yard on our block. He cannot eat anything offered without checking with me first. All neighbors have been told not to feed him and we've explained what his allergies are and how severe.

What harm are you worried about when playing outside in the yards?

I do hold my little guy back when the weather gets cold and more time is spent inside. We usually host the indoor stuff because everyone seems to have a pet that he is allergic to. But I dont' worry much about the outside stuff. I check on him from time to time but I need to do that without the allergies anyways.

I don't see much risk in letting him play, ride bikes, etc. other than the normal risks every child has playing outside ??? As long as he is still young he should still be staying fairly close to home where you can keep an eye on him.

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by Proud2BeAnAmerican

What harm are you worried about when playing outside in the yards?

I'm just afraid that someone will go in their home, bring something outside to eat, and ds will forget *everything* that he's been told. (kind of like the kids that know they're not supposed to chase balls into the street, but then someone hits a fly ball and the next thing you know, the kid is in the middle of the road.....) I know it sounds silly, but he's been under my thumb for so long that I am having a hard time trusting myself to trust him under these circumstances. I think I just need to let go and I'm just so anxious about it.

[4Blessings]

Totally understand

We moved a few years ago and it was hard at first to let go in the new neighborhood. I used to sit on the steps and watch them the entire time they were outside. Some of it was his age, some was the allergies but I knew I needed to let go more and more.

Little by little give him the freedom to play. Build the trust. It will work out.

[mommydancer]

Wow, Lauraloo, that's got to be really hard. I can really understand why you'd be hesitant. Is he a responsible kid? Does he ever sneak anything or question his restrictions frequently? Or is he more resigned to it? Do you feel like he understands his situation? Are there 1 or 2 of the kids on the block that he knows better and that you like? Maybe if you have a kid at your house a couple times, you will grow to feel better about him visiting at least that child's yard...you could work up to it slowly.

And don't be too hard on yourself. You are overprotective because you have had to save his life repeatedly...that can wear on a person. You have good reason to have been this way, and you are brave to be questioning it now. You will find the right balance of freedom and safety.

P.S. no chickens yet.

[LauraLoo]

Thanks, mommydancer. DS seems to be pretty aware of his allergies, and he understands the consequences as I've told him. He doesn't remember his initial reaction, and it's not necessarily something I want to replicate to drive the point home, ya know? I really don't think he'd try anything he thought was wrong, but kids do make mistakes.

Yesterday I did encourage him to explore a bit in the neighborhood, but all of the kids he "knows" or has seen around the block were doing things at other peoples' homes. But I'm glad that he tried, although he was disappointed. He is socially anxious, so he restrains himself. (I'm sure that my constant watchdog actions haven't helped this.) We've only been in this neighborhood for a year now - and we're renting while we are building a home. I was working when we initially moved in until this past April, so we've been somewhat negligient in getting out to meet the neighbors. He goes to a different school than the rest of the kids (we are sending him to a charter school - and the kids come from all over the city.) He's also a couple or more years younger than a lot of the kids close by, so it makes it harder for him to get into the social circle. A lot of these kids, I think, have lived around here for a long time.

I'm hoping that when school starts, I'll be able to help him find school friends that he can have playdates with. It was impossible last year since I was working and just not around as much to meet the parents. Once we move into the new neighborhood mid to late winter, I'm going to have to adopt a very different way to help him make neighborhood friends. I'm going to have to work on my fears.

ETA: Do you think the neighbors are waiting until I do a sacrificial chicken? Will things get better then?

[mommydancer]

You make several solid points as to why he might have had a hard time making friends, one I am not sure you mentioned was the impending move when the new house is done. I wonder if he's thinking about that and being uprooted again and thus unmotivated? Also, I wanted to point out...

Originally Posted by LauraLoo

I'm hoping that when school starts, I'll be able to help him find school friends that he can have playdates with.

When school starts, HE will hopefully find new friends and invite them for playdates. Letting it be on his terms, pace, etc. will make it less of an issue, and your acting as though he is capable of it will go miles in the way of supporting his confidence.

It sounds to me like you're doing a good job planfully providing lots of good educational and home environments, and that unfortunatly complicates his neighborhood friendships. How are his friendships w/ schoolmates? Are there other allergic kids in his class? Does he feel comfortable to "be himself"?

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by mommydancer

You make several solid points as to why he might have had a hard time making friends, one I am not sure you mentioned was the impending move when the new house is done. I wonder if he's thinking about that and being uprooted again and thus unmotivated? Also, I wanted to point out...


When school starts, HE will hopefully find new friends and invite them for playdates. Letting it be on his terms, pace, etc. will make it less of an issue, and your acting as though he is capable of it will go miles in the way of supporting his confidence.

It sounds to me like you're doing a good job planfully providing lots of good educational and home environments, and that unfortunatly complicates his neighborhood friendships. How are his friendships w/ schoolmates? Are there other allergic kids in his class? Does he feel comfortable to "be himself"?

Since this is first time that he's been in the same school for 2 consecqutive years, I'm hoping things will be easier for him regarding friends. (He was in 2 different preschools, then K, then we moved for 1st grade......) The charter school he goes to draws kids from all over our city; we drive 20 min. to get there. He's had practically no practice inviting friends over since he was in K -- and those were friends from pre-K and I was friends with the moms, so we were generally getting together anyway. He did have a small group of friends by the end of the year, so I'm hoping that those relationships will be strengthened this year. By helping him I mean encouraging him to invite someone over to play, and then figuring out what information to get (phone number, etc.) so that I can call the parents to work out the details. I mean, I wouldn't just let someone take my ds home with them after school -- allergy or no allergy -- without talking to them first.

I think he's ok being himself, but he's always been pretty selective about his friends and has tended to play by himself rather than with someone that he didn't really like. I was encouraged the other day when he *wanted* to play with someone.....but no one was around.

There are a few other food allergy kids in his class -- one to wheat and one to milk, but I never found out who they were by sight; ds just mentioned it to me. This year he has asked me to pack all of his snacks and to bring his lunch to school. Last year, in my effort for him to feel less excluded, I only sent *special* snacks to school when the class snack wasn't safe for him and he did the school lunch. He never complained to me, but when I asked him about what he wanted this year, he told me otherwise -- which is fine with me.

Anyway, I think my hesitancy to allow him to be more spontaneous in the past has hindered his ability to really reach out in the friend arena when he *does* like someone enough to invite over. I'm feeling really crappy about it. My dd will ask anyone, anytime to come over -- and she's 4!

[imagine21]

I am 40 yo and have been severely allergic to tree nuts my entire life. I grew up in a time without epipens, when antihistamines were only available by prescription and no ever talked about, let alone accommodated allergies, life threatening or not. I obviously don't know your son, but I can tell you, with confidence, that his survival instinct is as strong as mine and for those of us with allergies, we do not want to be sick. I learned to ask lots of questions, to never eat anything unless the person who prepared it was present, and most importantly I learned to manage my allergy myself. I do not remember a time when my parents managed it for me. I will tell you with honesty, that I made some mistakes, very few though and was lucky to get to a hospital. I learned to tell everyone that I met that I was allergic (more people looking after me), but mostly, I looked after myself from about the age of 3. Hoping my experience helps you. Good luck.

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by imagine21

I am 40 yo and have been severely allergic to tree nuts my entire life. I grew up in a time without epipens, when antihistamines were only available by prescription and no ever talked about, let alone accommodated allergies, life threatening or not. I obviously don't know your son, but I can tell you, with confidence, that his survival instinct is as strong as mine and for those of us with allergies, we do not want to be sick. I learned to ask lots of questions, to never eat anything unless the person who prepared it was present, and most importantly I learned to manage my allergy myself. I do not remember a time when my parents managed it for me. I will tell you with honesty, that I made some mistakes, very few though and was lucky to get to a hospital. I learned to tell everyone that I met that I was allergic (more people looking after me), but mostly, I looked after myself from about the age of 3. Hoping my experience helps you. Good luck.

Thank you for sharing this. I know that I need to let him be responsible for managing his allergies. He is old enough to ask good questions -- and to resist temptation. I hope that I'm strong enough to allow him to do this.

[imagine21]

Originally Posted by LauraLoo

Thank you for sharing this. I know that I need to let him be responsible for managing his allergies. He is old enough to ask good questions -- and to resist temptation. I hope that I'm strong enough to allow him to do this.

Glad I was able to help. And you are strong enough...you have to be.