Lactivism and perceived "pushiness" "guilting" etc

[Swan3]

It seems that whenever I say something positive about BF it's automatically taken as guilting or judgemental. I try to keep it positive and try not to be pushy, but I almost think sometimes if you encourage BF you're automatically seen as one of those "militant" pro-BF people. (Which I guess I AM, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing!)

I admit I'm not impartial...but I wonder if I'm turning people off and I'm wondering how to NOT do that.

Example, a few of my childhood friends are preggers and I've invited them to the BF challenge if they're interested - it's a fun family event and I figure if they're open to it it will give them a positive image and motivation to BF. I've received no response from either of them. With another of those friends, I've bought "The Baby Book" by the Sears to promote attachment parenting and BF as well. I'm planning to include a little insert with local breastfeeding resources that have served me well along with a note about how helpful the Baby Book has been for me.

I know that a common friend of ours is one of those mothers who swears that BF is no better than formula and that she will never even try to BF with any upcoming children...she's also a fan of CIO. I guess I kind of want to offset that influence for this friend but wonder how far I can go and when to stand back.

Any ideas?

[MommyJoia]

I say keep going strong, send her the 101 reasons to breastfeed link, keep at it. Offer her support once the baby's born.

After the baby's born, you have to back off if she's still against BF.

[Carma]

Tough question. Only with my sisters I actively tried to get them to breastfeed (I even gave my youngest sister a pump for going back to work, she couldn't afford a double electric), and she now calls me 'breastfeeding Jehova wittness' But my middle sister also became a lactivist : she is still nursing her little girl at 18 months (and working full time also).
But with my girlfriends I only passively 'teach them', by nursing in their presence and just showing them how easy and handy breastfeeding is. I don't feel comfortable to push it more than that.

Carma

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by MommyJoia

I say keep going strong, send her the 101 reasons to breastfeed link, keep at it. Offer her support once the baby's born.

After the baby's born, you have to back off if she's still against BF.

Thanks! I guess my real fear with this particular friend is that she's got my other friend in her ear telling her how crazy I am!!!

[katcat]

i say you are on the right track! the baby book is one of my favorite baby gifts.
some women will take anything negative, but better the right info and then at least they are making an informed choice.

[XOIMOM]

I once heard (read) someone say that if a pushy pro-BFer was enough to make you decide not to do it, you probably weren't going to do it in the first place (paraphrase).

I have noticed how defensive moms who formula feed get even at the mere mention of a breastfeeding benefit. It's like formula feeding SHOULD be talked about without mentioning breastfeeding, but breastfeeding should NEVER be mentioned without offering supportive advice and "it's ok if you..." about formula feeding.

I have seen moms use that excuse not to breastfeed ("I was considering it, but BF nazis make me not want to!")...pinning the blame on women who promote breastfeeding.

Ugh.

I think it's ALWAYS important to get that info out there because there is so much misinformation, even coming from doctors! Women need to hear about and be around breastfeeding. It seems so foreign if you don't know anyone who has ever done it.

[star*mora]

i don't think you can be completely impartial when you are passionate about something. it's really hard sometimes dealing with being seen as judgmental or pushy when it is really a reflection on them.

i love the baby book! a friend of mine who is a chiropractor in the uk sent me the attachment parenting one from the sears. i also have their one on premature births and breastfeeding. i think they are a great balance to the usual what to expect when you are expecting...etc.

my sister ff her 2 - 1st one after 6wks of bf she switched, 2nd after 2 mths. with the latching issues i had, and pumping 10-14 times a day until he did latch at 2.5mths, you would THINK she wouldn't say "it just didn't work out and they got what they needed from breastmilk" but she did. it broke my heart a little bit every time i saw her mix formula then heat it up in the microwave (in bottles that were later on the BPA list), but no matter how much support i offered, she wouldn't take it. she wouldn't even tell me she switched to formula for 2 mths after she did it...my MOM broke the news to me.

i find i really push the health benefits for me as a nursing mom (not only mentioning breast, ovarian cancer, etc. but also rheumatoid arthritis...etc) if i find someone is not as receptive to hearing about all the wonderful benefits of breastfeeding. plus some of the benefits of nursing past a year i just didn't know about before mdc, so i find it takes the edge of some of the perceived "judgment" and then i can get a bit more of the breastfeeding benefits into the discussion. beyond that, being labelled militant for looking out for the health of a child is definitely worth it. i can say i have worn that label around a bit myself - people who love to judge others will find something to judge you on i've found.

if you need to educate your common friend, there is lots of great info on here about cio...i think i might have some of it bookmarked from a heated discussion i had with a childhood friend who has 3 children therefore she knows everything about parenting...

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by star*mora

if you need to educate your common friend, there is lots of great info on here about cio...i think i might have some of it bookmarked from a heated discussion i had with a childhood friend who has 3 children therefore she knows everything about parenting...

I'd love to see the link! So far I've tried getting in touch with this friend so I can give her the book and she is not answering my attempts...oh no!!! I hope this other friend hasn't already tarred me with the "crazy militant granola" brush. I'm going to keep trying!

[xakana]

Originally Posted by XOIMOM

I think it's ALWAYS important to get that info out there because there is so much misinformation, even coming from doctors! Women need to hear about and be around breastfeeding.

ITA. I often just post the info on mainstream boards and run away, not looking back. I can hope it will help at least one person, kwim? I just don't get why people feel the need to so strongly push formula. I guess it's so they don't feel bad because 'everyone else is doing it.'

I had a friend who was constantly saying how she just needed more support. Well, I gave it and made myself available and she still switched to formula. Up until then, I'd put up with a lot of her parenting stuff that I vehemently disagreed with (she physically punished her little toddler on a regular basis--and I'm talking daily, she would talk about how she hit him every night for fighting bedtime) and at that point, I just walked away. I'm friendly if we meet in public, but I'm not willing to be friends anymore. Normally, not breastfeeding wouldn't make me stop being friends with someone, but at that point, it was clear we had zero in common and she really just didn't seem to care about her children's welfare.

On the other hand, I've helped other mom friends who were on the verge of quitting just by being supportive and offering alternatives where I could. It sounds like you're doing good and doing your best and I think books are a great way to give people an alternative to mainstream parenting, even if they don't go fully AP.

[Swan3]

Thanks! I've now considered getting a back-up supply of the Baby Book and printing out multiple resource handouts to put in there for any future moms I may run into. I figure if it helps even one mom with a few things that's great, especially if it's breastfeeding!

[clutterbug]

I love how the anti-breastfeeding folks seem to have no worries about seeming too pushy or militant. Grrr.

Good for you for promoting breastfeeding amongst your friends and relations! I have tried to some extent but I have the same worries that I will seem too forward. I sent my brother girlfriend (now ex) a copy of Womanly Art when she was pregnant with my niece. But other than that I try to show by example and am not good about approaching people about it.

I invited all my breastfeeding friends to the challenge last fall. None of them showed up :-( This year more friends have new babes, though, so maybe I will get at least one of them there this time around!

[FREEmom1120]

I think if you take time to develop a real relationship with people, listen to their stories and where they are coming from (hopes, fears, etc), then you will be able to say what you need to say in a way that will not make you sound pushy or guilting.

I think sometimes we're so focused on getting the information out that we forget that an emotional (not just physical) person is going to be receiving the information.

Think about how you respond when people communicate anything to you. Are there styles of communication you don't respond to? Methods of speaking you tune out? etc.

You're awesome for wanting to help your friends.

[star*mora]

Originally Posted by Swan3

I'd love to see the link! So far I've tried getting in touch with this friend so I can give her the book and she is not answering my attempts...oh no!!! I hope this other friend hasn't already tarred me with the "crazy militant granola" brush. I'm going to keep trying!

ok here are a few of the links...
sleep/cio/cosleeping - http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...ep/fleiss.html

not totally cio, but love this - http://www.mothering.com/guest_edito...place/141.html

and here it is...the sticky for cio - so many links! http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=624394

[star*mora]

oh a few of the articles in the cio sticky are obsolete but keep scrolling through as there's lots there!

i also had lots of anti-circ arguments with her - she didn't understand why i wouldn't have my son circumcised....argh if she wasn't the oldest friend i have i don't know if we'd be friends now. oh and the co-sleeping and babywearing too. i could go on...

[krystyn33]

Originally Posted by FREEmom1120

I think if you take time to develop a real relationship with people, listen to their stories and where they are coming from (hopes, fears, etc), then you will be able to say what you need to say in a way that will not make you sound pushy or guilting.

I think sometimes we're so focused on getting the information out that we forget that an emotional (not just physical) person is going to be receiving the information.

Think about how you respond when people communicate anything to you. Are there styles of communication you don't respond to? Methods of speaking you tune out? etc.

You're awesome for wanting to help your friends.

:

[RoadWorkAhead]

Originally Posted by FREEmom1120

I think if you take time to develop a real relationship with people, listen to their stories and where they are coming from (hopes, fears, etc), then you will be able to say what you need to say in a way that will not make you sound pushy or guilting.

I think sometimes we're so focused on getting the information out that we forget that an emotional (not just physical) person is going to be receiving the information.

Think about how you respond when people communicate anything to you. Are there styles of communication you don't respond to? Methods of speaking you tune out? etc.

You're awesome for wanting to help your friends.

That was well said.

I hate seeing pushy anyone, and militant bf'ers are totally included in that.

[guestmama9904]

back to the OP I believe that the reason people percieve any pro-breastfeeding comment or agenda as being "militant" is due to the larger culture we live in that is ultimately not pro breastfeeding but IS pro-consumerism, capitalism and that is also a sexist, rasist screwed up culture in so many ways.

the reason so many people feel free to spout the wonders of formula is because what do we see advertized on tv, in magazines ect? we see ads saying how similar formula is to breastmilk, we see flashes of beautiful, untired looking moms feeding peaceful babies a bottle.

then in the news we hear about women being chastised or even arrested for breastfeeding in public. on the other hand, there are tons of images of breasts in our culture but those images usually relate to breasts as sex objects, just as many images of women in our culture relate to women not as whole human beings but as girls with big breasts offering men beer or some other silly image of women.

ultimately it is individuals like us moms who will help change the way breastfeeding is looked at and discussed so i think we are doing the right thing by being "militant" about this issue. to me anyways the issue of how our children start off their lives is a big deal, it affects all of us in this society, it affects tax payers who recieve less services from our government due to the declining health of our population and due the increase in medicine and emergency services needed to save people that perhaps could have been saved by being breastfed and having good nutrition throughout their lives.

[hollyvangogh]

Originally Posted by XOIMOM

pushy pro-BFer

BF nazis

Originally Posted by Carma

'breastfeeding Jehova wittness'

Originally Posted by Swan3

one of those "militant" pro-BF people.

GGGRRRRARRGH! Man, if someone used those phrases in front of me I think I would seriously lose it (especially the BF Nazi thing...anyone who can throw the term Nazi around like that obviously has no real understanding or respect for the Shoah). Seriously, people can be really offensive. And it seems like they're the same people who are so "pushy" and "militant" about formula being A-OK and "just as good" etc. etc. kwim?

I'm usually pretty "I do my thing, you do yours, let's hug" but I'm also aware that sometimes things are not as grey as they seem. So because I've found in my research that formula will never compare I'm suddenly a NAZI?! Ugh! UGH! UGH! I would never dream of calling a mom who FF names, kwim? Especially since I understand that a lot of women struggle with BF, lack support, get overwhelmed, etc.

/end rant

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that past being a good example, and providing all the support and information that is welcome there isn't much one can do to convince friends and family about anything (BF included). I think you're on the right track OP. But try not to let yourself feel guilty for some-one else's decisions. You cannot make people see what you see/do what you do and there's no reason to feel like you've failed if they continue on their own path. You do your best but ultimately they get to exercise their free will, kwim?

[guestmama9904]

Originally Posted by hollyvangogh

GGGRRRRARRGH! Man, if someone used those phrases in front of me I think I would seriously lose it (especially the BF Nazi thing...anyone who can throw the term Nazi around like that obviously has no real understanding or respect for the Shoah). Seriously, people can be really offensive. And it seems like they're the same people who are so "pushy" and "militant" about formula being A-OK and "just as good" etc. etc. kwim?

I'm usually pretty "I do my thing, you do yours, let's hug" but I'm also aware that sometimes things are not as grey as they seem. So because I've found in my research that formula will never compare I'm suddenly a NAZI?! Ugh! UGH! UGH! I would never dream of calling a mom who FF names, kwim? Especially since I understand that a lot of women struggle with BF, lack support, get overwhelmed, etc.

/end rant

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that past being a good example, and providing all the support and information that is welcome there isn't much one can do to convince friends and family about anything (BF included). I think you're on the right track OP. But try not to let yourself feel guilty for some-one else's decisions. You cannot make people see what you see/do what you do and there's no reason to feel like you've failed if they continue on their own path. You do your best but ultimately they get to exercise their free will, kwim?

thank you for reminding all of us that referring to anyone as a "nazi" is inappropriate at best and hurtful at worst. my grandparents are holocaust survivors and I have always felt so sad when someone casually throws around the term "nazi" to describe anyone who believes strongly in something.

[p1gg1e]

I think MOST mothers know about the advantages to breastfeeding.

The books and suggestions are a great idea and also just making sure the know that they can call at ANY time even at 2 in the morning if they need help with nursing. Sometimes new moms just don't know where to go or what resources are available and often they can be hard to find. Even a good LC can be hard to find and just like a DR. can make or break nursing for simple reasons.