"Outgrowing" old friends

[Susana]

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but I was wondering what any of you do when and if you start to "outgrow" a friend? By outgrow I mean when time passes and you both change and all of a sudden you think maybe you don't want to hang out or talk as much as you used to.
The reason I am asking is this very thing is happening to me with someone I have known for about 8 years now. When I first met her we were very much alike. Over the years I have changed, a lot, and for the better. This particular friend tends to be very "needy" and lately I have been very busy. She cried last night telling me how much she needs me and she thinks I don't like her anymore because I am too busy for her. Well, I am busy, but I still talk to her and see her sometimes. It's just that we have both changed....I still would like to be friends with her, just not connected at the hip, KWIM? And to be honest, her clinging to me is really becoming annoying. What do I do with this person? Her kids and my kids are good friends, btw. I'd be honest with her and tell her that her neediness is really bugging the crap out of me, but she would fall apart. That's how she is.
Any advice for me? Is this a tough enough question??
TIA for any advice.

[khrisday]

I do know what you mena by outgrowing your old friends, I have definately gone through this. Usually for me there is also a physical move involved or the person must also feel teh same way because we just sort of drift apart. Of course you don't want to crush the woman, I would tell her (the truth) that you are still her friend and would be there if she needed you, but that you are very busy with your own life and that she will have to be understanding about that. IHTH

[saige]

I think this is quite a common thing,escpecially when your lives start to take different directions.I know I had to give up a lot of friends when i got preggo with Saige because my life style needed to be cleaned up.I guess with other friendships that I've had that have ended usually what happens is the phone calls/visits seem to kid of die off,and we both sort of drift away.it makes it hard though when one of you are ready and the other isnt though.Good luck in your situation,I hope it works out for everyone.

[heartmama]

How tough!

I know what you mean. As others said, usually it is a mutual feeling with a friend you grow apart from, and yours is much more difficult.

I would not necessarily say anything about your decision to be less available. That may freak her out. Maybe just letting the machine take calls and then only calling back when you are ready will help. Also, it may help, since you do still want a friendship, to plan ahead some time with her and then feel less obligated to be around until that time (Like ask her for coffee "next saturday" and then stay too busy to talk until that day?). Just some idea's.

Another idea is to start asking *her* to help *you* with stuff. She might stop calling you so much right away. This can be a great way to turn things around. You be the needy one, and call her up to complain or to ask a favor

Heartmama

[ladylee]

In my experience, once I decide to let go of a relationship that drains my energy, the universe sort of takes over and makes it happen. I try to be kind and respectful (because I would want to be treated that way myself), but I also stay true to my boundaries. Good luck to you--

[sunmountain]

Relationships inevitably will change over the years, and having children only amplifies the issue.
I agree with heartmama, you could start asking for her help. She needs to feel empowered in order to stop feeling like a victim (hence, her 'needing' you so much). Decide how much you want her in your life, and then find a place for her. Just ask her over to help clean out your refrigerator, for example, and "schedule" time with her. Think of the kind of example you want to set for your children and the answer will come to you.
Like Ann Landers says, people can only take advantage of you if you let them.
Good Luck.

[rainsmom]

outgrowing friends

Ive had really close friends that Ive outgrown in the past. I think people are meant to come in to your life for a reason, some for a short time, some permanently. Ive recently had a friend, one who we had gone through pregnancys and everything together, that I felt I needed to end the relationship. It turned out she wasnt really a friend to me and there were things I kept overlooking. Since Im relatively new in town, I felt like I didnt have a choice. But I have friends in my life who are gold and I dont have time for the ones who arent. Its not about high standards for friends, its about treating eachother with respect, not taking advantage, treating someone like you want to be treated. Though its harder at this stage in life to move to a new town and make friends, Ive put myself out there and have met other great women. Life is too short to waste on people who arent genuine!!

[TripkeHughes]

I am right there with you. One of my "best friends" and I are in this situation. Although, I think I am the only one who feels the growing pains. Sometimes I even wonder how we were ever friends, we are so different now. Do we still have anything in common. Well yes, but not much. Really I personally don't think this is the only reason for me pulling away. In our case, I have been wounded by her so many times that I really don't like her very much. Will it change? I don't know. For today, I am just enjoying this place with my dh.

All that to say that I think people go through changes in their lives. This seems normal to me.

[mamadejose]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sunmountain
[ Just ask her over to help clean out your refrigerator, for example, and "schedule" time with her.

Well, I wouldn't USE her to help you clean out the fridge, but you could think about how much time you are willing to devote to the relationship, perhaps it would be more for the kids than for you, and go from there. You can try to explain to her that you are really busy and your priorities have changed over the years and it isn't personal, but you just don't have much time left for a social life.

[rainsmom]

Honesty best policy

Yea, be honest, she'll appreciate it and it'll save you time and energy in the long run, no misunderstandings. And she cant do anything about the way you feel, its how you feel.

[sunmountain]

I guess my point was this: When a friend and I realize we aren't spending time together, we schedule it to help eachother clean, just something we do. Also, my point was made to show a way that she could show her friend she needed her help with those things that had fallen by the wayside with all the responsibilities of children having taken precedence. I hope that clears that up

[USAmma]

I have a few friends who don't have kids yet, so they really don't understand sometimes when I can't be there, can't go out with them, etc. They talk about fashion and TV shows and music, I talk about diapering and the cute things my dd has done lately.

I have one friend who is a very nice person, but she likes things just so and I think it stresses her out when I bring my dd over because she likes to explore and get into things. And she can't stand my dd's temper tantrums. I think that will all change when she has kids of her own (hopefully). So we try to schedule non-kid time. Even that is boring to me right now. She likes to go shopping for clothes to wear to work. First of all I can't afford new clothes, esp. from the malls she shops at. Secondly I have no interest whatsoever in clothes or fashion. I found my style a long time ago and the last thing I find fun is making comments on clothes she tries on, or smelling every last scent in Bath and Body Works. She works during the day, the time when I'm most available. On weekends I value family time and she values her social life which I somtimes choose not to participate in.

But she's my friend, she's a good person, and I think we both are struggling to find things in common to keep us going because we recognize that there is a bond there, it's just at a low point right now. I'm just hoping she'll start a family soon and we'll have lots more in common then.

Other friends I've just let go, not out of anger but becasue we truly don't have anything in common anymore, and they are out of state and the letters and phone calls just stop over time. But then you find new friends. I've found a couple of really nice mommy friends and through their kids my dd has found little friends of her own too! So it all comes full circle eventually.

Darshani

[rainsmom]

Ive had the same experiences with some of my friends too. And Ive grieved the loss of their friendships, but know its just the way things are. My life has changed in big significant ways. I look forward to meeting new people with similar lifestyles, for myself and dd.

[marisa]

Long vent...

This is something I am dealing with right now, my friends are outgrowing ME. I just had my son in January and they all scattered and disappeared during my pregnancy. It was so hard to be young (I'm 22) and have absolutely no support from a girl friend. My husband was being very loving and supportive but i ache to feel the bond of a female friendship again. My very best friend, Brea moved to austin and went to college, and travels alot, met tons of new friends, and is very involved with activism of different sorts. My lifestyle of being a stay at home married mom must seem boring to her. My friends (nor I) have never been big 'party animals' - we mostly spent quiet evenings at home together, so I don't understand if they think I'm just too boring now. I have lots of interests, a great listener and think I am fairly intellegent. I felt that I had a lot to offer as a friend, so this is kind of a blow to my self esteem. Also, where I live, it's hard to find people I have things in common with, plus with my home business along with watching other children, I have no opportunities to really get out and meet people. I wonder if I will ever feel that kind of bond with another person again. I miss mine and Brea's relationship so much! It's hard feeling like you have noone around (besides your husband) who understands you. -sigh-

[alianmama]

I'd be honest and compassionate. It's a balance. First, you don't need another high maintainance "project" in your life, so don't go trying to 'fix' and change her etc. You don't want to blow her off, either. Babying her by NOT being honest (out of fear she'll 'fall apart') is not helping her OR your friendship.

You need to trust that just as you and everyone on this earth has had to learn some painful lessons, she will survive being told the truth of how you feel. She may cry, be hurt for a time, but that is her choice; she can listen, knowing you speak with compassion, and learn from her friend (you), or she can dig deeper into being immature and needy and write you off as an uncaring non-friend.

Budda said something like "all pain comes from refusing to accept reality". The reality it, you are drifting apart, she is getting on your nerves, you are not sure if this friendship- in it's current state- is something you want to spend your energy on. Ignoring this will only make it worse; she'll wonder why you're not returning her calls and, not having heard the honest truth from you, her mind will manufacture the worst fears and she'll REALLY freak out.

AT any rate, life is too short and too precious to play games. Being honest doesn't mean being mean; be honest and compassionate; you will feel good knowing that you braved the situation, you treated her with respect, and frankly, that's all you can do. How she handles it is HER issue, her life, her lesson, not yours. Your lesson may be learning to respectfully maintain your boundaries in this life.

I have had this issue with a couple of friends. One, the friendship ended- don't miss her, it became clearer and clearer that she did not add anything positive to my life yet took all I could give. Another, it cleared up a lot and we readjusted. One friendship right now is 10 years old, and we are attempting to navigate through the many changes of the last 3 years; not sure yet if we'll regain that love and closeness, but if not, it will drift away with care.

blessings,
S

[ladylee]

I'm in the process of watching a friendship end (or change) now. It's very difficult to be honest about what it had become-a part of me wants to just keep the status quo and sort of pretend, but I feel if I were to do that I'd be fake. It's very awkward.

To me it feels like this person didn't really know who I am or take the time to really get to know me. Like they wanted me to be who they wanted-but I'm not that person.

It's sad to see friendships come to an end. But we had some good times together...

[Teresa]

Marisa,
Get thee to a LLL meeting. You're bound to meet one or two other new mothers with whom you will have something in common!
Some will become great friends and some will be merely 'acquaintances' but they may introduce you to other people who will become great friends!