For those with Asian (Hapa?) children..... - Page 3

[AutumnWind]

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants

At my *grandmother's wake* I had someone ask me how much I paid for my dd. I said "I did it the cheap way, I f*d a Korean." I've never seen anyone scurry away so quickly.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!

[AutumnWind]

Originally Posted by kokonutmama

I have to admit, I didn't know "slanted" was an offensive thing to say. my x isn't around, and ds looks enough like me that people have to be told he's hapa if they start commenting about his looks. I'll say something like, "You can see it in his eyes, they're a little slanted." Honestly, I mean, they are... the corners of my eyes line up horizontally, his do not I didn't know I was being rude, so I have to guess that neither did your friend.

Yes, I think people don't mean to be offensive when they use the term "slanted". I know my friend didn't mean it to be rude or anything. She just didn't know that it's a very controversial term. Before we studied it a lot in college, I didn't know that either. Now I do. I was surprised when I asked my Korean dh and he said it's offensive. He said it's not offensive in an outrageous way, but it makes him think that the person who's saying it is ignorant about these things.

[liliesandliars]

I'm Filipino-Chinese and DS is half caucasian. I live in Houston, and the asian-caucasian biracial family is not at all an uncommon sight here, so I don't really hear any rude comments from strangers. The ones who are most likely to ask me about my son's race will be people who have eurasian children themselves. I think we learn to spot eurasian kids in other families, even if they lean strongly in looks towards one side or the other. People are usually curious about which country played the "asian half." I got the similar comments as others here mentioned about his eyes being big, not to mention greyish blue when he was a baby. They are now brown, a little lighter than mine. To be honest, the rudest comments I got were from MY family members, and filipino family friends. It may have to do with the American occupation of the Philippines, but as a race, I think we have some serious "issues" with our own looks. The whole filipino nose thing is a prime example. I remember this one cousin making fun of my son because he got my nose. Um, I LIKE my nose. : Or those stupid comments like, "Oh, he's half white, that's why he's so good looking." Ok, so it would be impossible for a boy to be good looking by being full filipino?

As for the "adopted" comments, I think the only one who has to deal with those is my ex's mom. She watches DS a lot while I'm at work, and when she takes him out, people assume that he's adopted and biologically unrelated to her... I'm not sure if that offends her or not. For some reason that doesn't happen when it's just DS out with his dad, I guess because my ex looks too young to adopt and DS looks a lot like him... just more asian. I have to say that I've never been mistaken for DS's nanny, because he looks like me too... he looks like my ethnicity. But I am often mistaken for a babysitting aunt... or a sister.

[PabloHoneySF]

Originally Posted by liliesandliars

To be honest, the rudest comments I got were from MY family members, and filipino family friends. It may have to do with the American occupation of the Philippines, but as a race, I think we have some serious "issues" with our own looks. The whole filipino nose thing is a prime example. I remember this one cousin making fun of my son because he got my nose. Um, I LIKE my nose. : Or those stupid comments like, "Oh, he's half white, that's why he's so good looking." Ok, so it would be impossible for a boy to be good looking by being full filipino?

Oh my god, we could have the same family. I'm filipino and DH is of French descent. It became pretty clear early on in my life that I probably would end up with a Caucasian man- not because I didn't like Asian men, but the Asian community was so small where I grew up, that I felt like all the guys I knew were like cousins since I had to call their parents "tita" or "tito" .

Anyway, when my mom's sisters would ask my mom how she felt about having a white son in law, she would respond that she thought that mixed kids were beautiful and that I was "bettering the race".

umm, thanks mom.

Back to OP's question. I don't use the phrase Hapa when referring to my boys, but a good friend of mine is from Hawaii uses the phrase all the time.

[liliesandliars]

^^^ I remember when a family friend once asked me if I wanted my son to marry a white lady so that my grandkids would look white. HUH?? And she asked it like it should be taken for granted that a filipina would want to eliminate the native blood from her legacy! Definitely some serious issues in the whole culture.

[Alathia]

I use the term hapa as well. we have a large asian and pacific islander population where I live though (Seattle) and it's common to see mixed race babies. I'm vietnamese and DH is caucasian.

I think someone else pointed out that it's funny what people see. everyone who is white says "they look just like you!" whereas my family (the asian ones) always comment about how they look "just like DH!" heheh I let it roll off my back. DS1 does have large round eyes, and right now DS2 has hazel eyes and I'm just tickled they have some of their dad's features.

and yeah, my DH when he's gone out with the boys has also gotten the comment "where did you get them from?" what, like there's an asian baby store you can just stop in and pick some up?! people are just ignorant!

[NCSSM04mom]

I'm still waiting to see how this will turn out for me. I don't really use the term hapa, but I do love it. We've made up our own term and are calling our kids halfipinos.

I didn't know there was a whole cultural thing about the Filipino nose. I thought it was only my partner. I haven't had much exposure to Filipinos. Honestly, before I met my partner I thought the Phillipines were closer to Cuba than Japan, since I associated them with Spanish culture. So I think I'll try to excuse anyone who makes comments that aren't meant maliciously, and just educate them instead.

[Roxy2007]

i dont use the term hapa, i am asian, DH is caucasian. my kids look more like me with some features from DH. I feel for the poor guy though, he do get asked if they are his kids..ticks him off and i can totally understand.

my family is never really bothered with race since we are multi cultural ourselves. but DH family and i think his mother is a little racist. she prayed so hard DD will hv blonde hair and blue eyes..seriously..come on, i know it can happen but more like 1 in a million thing. DD has beautiful green-brown eyes and she is a brunette.

I used to go out with a guy and his mother told me flat out she is expecting "caucasian babies" from her son..needless to say we broke up a week later..

[Mina's Mama]

Another perspective

I was just thinking perhaps it is really just a lack of vocabulary that causes issues like this. I teach middle school and I have found that my students say things of this nature, which are inappropriate. I will gently address the issue and they just really have no idea why certain terms are not ok to use. I try to look at adults who use that kind of language as people who didn't learn better. Not as malicious, evil people and I try my best not to take offense. People usually are just doing the best they can given their own level of education and circumstance in life. I say rise above it. That being said, my little Mina is only three months old and I have not had to deal with ignorance which hurts her yet. I live in a pretty homogeneous society, mostly white, and I have thought a lot about how my little girl will be treated at school later. I have had people ask me how I adopted my little girl at such a young age. She looks just like her Daddy. I don't know. Maybe I will be more sensitive as time progresses. I just know that sometimes people speak with out thinking, speak with no better tools than those their parents had... It is a shame and we can tackle it but I think it is much more effective to be kind in addressing. Kill 'em with kindess if you must. Education is key at all ages. Just think... she would not say this to you if she mean it offensively. She is ignorant. She is lucky to have you to help her. Just a different perspective.

[skreader]

I live in Hong Kong and in English the term we most of the time is "mixed" or "Eurasian". I've never heard anyone use the word "Hapa" out loud, although I've seen it on the internet.

When the kids were younger, I would sometimes be asked "is your husband Chinese?" and I'd say "yes".

No one comments much on their eyes - but when DS was younger we got lots of comments on his ears. He has fairly large ears with very "good" ear lobes - fleshy and large which is supposed to mean good luck and/or wisdom.

[hparsh]

I can't decide if my son looks more Caucasion or Asian. When I look at him, I see him as more Asian but maybe because I am Asian. Then when I see him in photos he looks more Caucasian to me.

Anyone else experience this phenomenon? LOL

It's kind of funny because white people think he looks just like me, but my (Asian) family says he looks Caucasian and nothing like me. Go figure.

[Fay]

Originally Posted by hparsh

Anyone else experience this phenomenon? LOL

It's kind of funny because white people think he looks just like me, but my (Asian) family says he looks Caucasian and nothing like me. Go figure.

Yes, our boys look very much like both of us! When the boys are with me, folks say they look exactly like me except that their eyes are brown while mine are blue. But when they're with DH (who was born in Taiwan), folks says they look just like him! Our little one looks exactly like DH when he smiles, except that his hair is reddish brown like mine. I just think I have the two most beautiful children in the world, but then I'm slightly biased.

[umami_mommy]

people make such stupid comments... my DH has native americans about 4-5 generations back in his mother's family. he was born with very pronounced "epicanthic folds." as a child he was called "chink" and other mothers asked if he was retarded.

my children have the same eyes, though not so pronounced. i think they are beautiful, but i have had people ask me if there were asians in my family. at least no one has called DS names.

i agree with saying loudly "was that a RACIAL comment???" that shuts people up right away.

[yitlan]

I can't believe I never noticed this thread! And I see a friend o mine posted, too! Anyhow, I identify as hapa because my Chinese American mom was born and raised in Hawaii, so hapa and haole are terms I've heard all my life at home and in Hawaii. I have a lifetime of stories and, surprisingly, they've recently increased with my own kids. Very few people see me and see a person of asian descent. Occasionally someone with lots of exposure to hapas will see me and ask. Usually their sister/daughter/friend looks like me or something. But since having my girls, I've been asked if
1. my husband is asian
2. they're part asian (meaning not my part!)
3. they're adopted (has only happened if they're with my in laws)

My mom got nanny comments. We did not look alike, I know. I was ghost white with red hair during my infancy. And I have plenty of poeple not believe me when I say I'm half Chinese.

Now that I have a fair redhead on my hip, I think I'll get less comments on my girls and their dad!

Now, if I'm with my mom or more asian looking sister, things seem more clear to people. Esp. in Chinatown. But let me just tell you that as a teen we moved to Arkansas. Talk about looks!!!!

[Smylingeyz]

I'm so glad I found this thread! My husband is Chinese, I am French... our daughter is 8mo. She is unbelievable gorgeous. I haven't gotten that many comments yet, mostly stuff like how tan she is, although I did have one person ask if she was mine. My family and friends have made some pretty ignorant comments, but they aren't trying to be insulting so I try not to let it bother me. It is nice to hear how everyone else responds to comments, so I have some ideas for when I have to deal with it myself.:

[veggiemomNYC]

I’m white and my husband is Chinese. We don’t use the term Hapa. We usually say Eurasian or 100% Chinese and 100% white but never half of anything. Half always sounds derogatory to me in that it seems like less than someone who is whole.

I have had white people (and other non-asians) say very racist things about my husband and child. I usually just assume that they are unaware of the fact that they are being racist and I try to explain to them how they are being racist.

I took my husbands last name when we married and so people are always asking me why I have a Chinese last name. I get, “but you don’t look Chinese.” It’s really annoying. Is it so strange that a white woman married a Chinese man and took his last name?? Also, when I gave birth to my son, the nurse in the nursery was cautious about giving my son to me because she said he was a Chinese baby.

I’m rarely without my husband so the adoption question has never come up. My son looks exactly like my husband with the exception of his light brown hair. When we are out in the stores I have heard whispers from other women saying, “awww…look how cute the Chinese baby is.” I usually just blow them off and go about my business.

[Smylingeyz]

I took my husband's name as well. I have gotten a few comments about it, but mostly confused looks. I have very light skin and light blond hair, and Elaina looks totally like her daddy. I get looks all the time, but if I can tell someone's about to comment I try to avoid it by acting unapproachable or I walk away. It just makes me so mad when ignorant people make ridiculous comments, even though they aren't being intentionally racist or anything. It's funny because when I'm out with his family they say she looks white and nothing like them.
I wish everyone (and esp our families) would get over it and stop scrutinizing to see which features are from which race. Our daughter is a beautiful and perfect blend of both of us. I am afraid though, that all the comments and stares will affect her negatively as she gets older. Hopefully we can impart to her a healthy attitude toward all this. :

[yitlan]

Originally Posted by Smylingeyz

I am afraid though, that all the comments and stares will affect her negatively as she gets older.

Just tell her everyone is looking because she's so gorgeous!

I do have to say, though, that as a child and teen I really enjoyed my time in Hawaii because I was so 'normal' there and that's all you want to be at that age. And it was the place I got to see hapa adults, which was unusual any other place. No one stared at us when we went out to eat, no one cared and I enjoyed that!

[Theoretica]

I've never had anyone be rude, but it's always interesting to me what people come up with as we present as an 'interesting' family makeup lol. My oldest daughter (adopted) is technically white but dark olive skin, green eyes, and VERY dark brown hair, she's also built like a solid athlete so clearly not biologically my child (ROTFL...I'm a tad fluffy LOL), my teenage son (also adopted) is pale white w/white-blond hair, extremely tall and lanky...also looks nothing like me. Next is my 7yo (biological) who is my spitting image, and then my youngest (also biological)...a carbon copy of my Korean hubby. So, whenever we've had anyone ask "oh is she adopted?" referring to my blatantly Asian appearing infant, my two oldest are the first to chime in Nope, We are! And the reaction is TOTAL confusion ROTFLMAO!

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants

At my *grandmother's wake* I had someone ask me how much I paid for my dd. I said "I did it the cheap way, I f*d a Korean." I've never seen anyone scurry away so quickly.

OMG I am laughing so hard!

I called hubby up here (he's Korean) and read it to him...he laughed and the first thing he said was...cheap for WHO??

LOLOLOL