13yo micro-managing 3yo brother

[symmetry]

My 13yo micro-manges almost everything my 3yo does and it's driving me insane! I can hear them from the other end of the house. Whatever the 3yo does the 13yo somehow finds a way to intervene and redirect his play to something totally different rather than letting the 3yo do his own thing. Until recently I haven't really done much about it except to tell the 13yo to stop doing it and try to explain that he needs to let his little bro do things his own way, but of course it goes in one ear and out the other... Now it's got to the point where the 3yo is beginning to treat his own little friends this way too and the mothers at playgroup are commenting on how bossy he has become. Eeeek, I'm feeling like I really should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago.

Any suggestions on how I could approach this with my 13yo so he will listen to me and understand that it's not okay?

[ma_vie_en_rose]

I have this issue with my DSD and the younger ones and now DD1 with DD2. Luckily,it has not translated to their friends. The only thing that I have found to be the most helpful is to be in the same room with them when they are playing. I don't ever find myself having to tell the older child to back off when I am. I think it has something to do with the fact that they know I am in charge, so they won't try to step in. kwim When I can't be right there, I just remind them to stop it.

[Ruthla]

Have you tried teaching the 13yo some "parenting philosophy"? Give your big boy the credit he deserves for being mature enough to "help raise his little brother" and explain to him what you did with him when he was little and what you're trying to accomplish with the little one now.

If you try to treat the teenager like an annoying kid, he'll act like one. If you treat him like a mature adult (at least in regards to the 3yo) he'll probably rise to the challenge.

[symmetry]

Thanks so much for your replies.

Sheri, yes, it's usually only when I'm not in the room... sigh.

Ruth, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I need to learn to parent my 13yo differently. I know I've established some pretty bad parenting habits with him and didn't treat him nearly as kindly as a small child (before I grew a brain) as I've treated his small brothers, so now I think about it he has most likely learned this behaviour from me when he was a small boy... Oh boy, what have I done?

Anyway, much to think about... This has opened a big can of worms in my head (nice image, eh?). No doubt I'll be back here again for some more wise words in the near future. Thanks.

[amynbebes]

I'm having a similar issue in that my 13 yr old and 11 yr old try to redirect my younger two when they feel that they're not behaving properly. However, they don't go about it nearly as nicely as they should with it becoming more of an argument between the younger and the older. Because of that I've simply told my older two that while I appreciate and welcome their help that as long as I'm there to let me handle any situations that may arise unless it's something that might harm them.