WWYD: Bullying at HS of gay teen

[Labbemama]

My dd's very best friend is gay and out about it at school but I don't think so with his mom. He is 15 or 16. I will call him M.

So yesterday dd got pulled into the counselor's office to discuss bullying concerns regarding her friend, M.

He was very upset about what's been going on. I think a lot of it has to do with having a new bf. The new bf is bi and there's this girl who is jealous (has started a lot of garbage in the past) and so now ppl are talking about him teasing him a lot more than usual. So I think it just became big news because of the new relationship. KWIM?

So yesterday after a long heart 2 heart after school with dd and being pulled out of class for investigations on stuff I don't know much about. They were standing outside together and were harrassed by a group of boys in a car who called him offensive names related to his sexual orientation. It kind of scares me for his personal safety if things should turn violent which sometimes they do.

So wwyd? would you report it? What would you expect the school would/could do about it.

DD can describe the car. (It's a huge school) But they do issue parking permits.

My one worry in reporting is that the school may contact M's parents and he hasn't told them yet that he is gay because they don't approve.

I worry about the level of harrassment he gets. You know it's day in and day out from the way dd describes it. And that he's going it alone w/out parental support even. His mom suffers from the delusion that dd is his gf. (Sigh)

I called and left msg for the SRO and the GC.
Ironically enough found out the bullying reporting email/text msg system does not work actually work.

DD makes a good point that telling may lead to retaliation. I worry about that too.

[ma_vie_en_rose]

I have no real advise for this situation. That is awful that he going through such stress. Maybe x-posting this in the queer parenting would help since some may have BTDT advise for you.

[Labbemama]

Thank you for the suggestion I will do that.
I have a few friends who could give me advice because they have BTDT but they are on vacation.

No word from the school. I'm trying to remain optimistic that they will help M somehow. The realistic part of me though asks "My God how bad did it have to get before it came to the attention of the counselor's office?" And how good a job have they done at some of the more minor stuff. Can they do much about it? Will pulling the kids in and disciplining them help things or make things worse. I really like this young man I'd hate to do anything to make his life any harder.

DD says they are only intervening because of the suicide of another student last year who was teased so badly that she took her own life, not for her sexual orientation but just for not being cool enough for them. But that has been known to happen here.

[brainysmurfette]

This is a tough situation. I know at my school, there would be very serious consequences for the bullies. However, I'm in Mass., and the overall attitude towards gay individuals is better than in other areas of the country (I grew up in the midwest).

Are you in a position to provide this boy with emotional/moral support? Having a supportive adult to help him through these difficulties could make a huge difference (in terms of his mental health).

You could also contact PFLAG and see if they have resources or people to help.

I would also advise him to stay in areas of the school where many people are present and adults are supervising. Having the guidance counselor alert his teachers to the situation may add some protection, too. When I know that there is a bullying problem going on, I monitor the students much more closely.

[Breathless Wonder]

I was in the same situation with my DS's best friend this summer. He was also being abused at school for identifying as bi.

After thinking long and hard about it, I encouraged him to at least tell one of his immediate family members. My son and I offered to be there when he broke the news. He decided to tell his mother, on his own. It ended up going much better than he thought, and now at least he has a family member in his corner to help him navigate. I also hooked him up with some people from the Gay Straight Alliance, and we are working on getting a chapter started at his school.

[spedteacher30]

the school is obligated to provide him with a safe education free from harassment.

I would probably start with GLSEN for you, and then I suggest you approach your daughter's friend and see what he wants done.

[ziggy]

This book is, essentially, completely fantastic:
http://www.amazon.com/Out-Law-Should.../dp/0807079669

[Jesslyn]

I think that it's great that you are looking out for this young man. If I were in your position I would want to talk to him and ask him what you can do for him. And I would try to present myself as a adult he can trust to talk to. I would also encourage him to come out to his parents. But don't push it or take it in your own hands. My oldest sister is gay and my parents make her feel disrespected and unnacepted. Even if they don't intentionally do it they do make her feel uncomfortable around them. You don't know how they are going to react to this and if they react badly it could make it a whole lot worse. Imagine having to deal with crap at school and then go to a home where you feel uncomfortable and not accepted. Not that they're going to react that way at all. He knows them better than anybody. If it gets so bad then take it up within the school adminstration until you see a improvement. It's horrible that he's being treated that way and the more people who love and support him through this the better. Kudos to you for looking out for him!

[Labbemama]

Thank you for all your replies.

I don't know him very well, but I will put out the offer that he is welcome in our home and try to get to know him a little better. I 've only met him once IRL. Have talked on the phone with him and have say HI/Bye in passing so I can imagine how akward that would be for someone's mom to sit you down. I did inform dd that I called the school and she like Mom that will make things totally worse for him. I said yeah I know it could but I would feel so bad if things continue to escalate and I didn't report it and something happened to your friend. So she's mildly p.o'd at me. She can tell her friend what PITA I am. That's fine and then I think he'll know I'm in his corner.

I don't have a lot of faith in our school system's ability to handle things. KWIM? I can just picture his mom getting a phone call outing him and all he** breaking loose.

But so far no call from the SRO or GC. I'd just like confirmation that they got my report. I will follow up today to tell them that their web-reporting is broken.

[harrietsmama]

:group hug!!! pp's gave a lot of great ideas. It was very accepted in my hs, so I never was exposed to that, teen preg. was a bigger issue hard to believe in the late 80's/early 90's I don't have much to add but

[Labbemama]

Yeah it's actually considered kind of "cool" to be pregnant. The girl at the center of this has actually claimed to be pg twice. DD and I said yeah probably next week she will be claiming to have the baby of M's bf.

Anyhow, Just updating to say no word from the school I'm kind of peeved about that. Ok not kind of but REALLY peeved about that.

Hoping to have the opportunity to pass along some info via dd this weekend and have a good long talk with dd. She and M are making plans to do something.

[Suzanne108]

The school my son goes has a gay straight alliance club. You might get some help there. He's straight...but has friends of all stripes, polka dots & paisleys. His school is Santa Susana High School in Simi Valley, CA. All the best.

[Suzanne108]

Originally Posted by Labbemama

My dd's very best friend is gay and out about it at school but I don't think so with his mom. He is 15 or 16. I will call him M.

So yesterday dd got pulled into the counselor's office to discuss bullying concerns regarding her friend, M.

He was very upset about what's been going on. I think a lot of it has to do with having a new bf. The new bf is bi and there's this girl who is jealous (has started a lot of garbage in the past) and so now ppl are talking about him teasing him a lot more than usual. So I think it just became big news because of the new relationship. KWIM?

So yesterday after a long heart 2 heart after school with dd and being pulled out of class for investigations on stuff I don't know much about. They were standing outside together and were harrassed by a group of boys in a car who called him offensive names related to his sexual orientation. It kind of scares me for his personal safety if things should turn violent which sometimes they do.

So wwyd? would you report it? What would you expect the school would/could do about it.

DD can describe the car. (It's a huge school) But they do issue parking permits.

My one worry in reporting is that the school may contact M's parents and he hasn't told them yet that he is gay because they don't approve.

I worry about the level of harrassment he gets. You know it's day in and day out from the way dd describes it. And that he's going it alone w/out parental support even. His mom suffers from the delusion that dd is his gf. (Sigh)

I called and left msg for the SRO and the GC.
Ironically enough found out the bullying reporting email/text msg system does not work actually work.

DD makes a good point that telling may lead to retaliation. I worry about that too.

My son goes to an awesome school that has a gay, straight, bi, trans alliance. My son's straight but has friends of all stripes, polka dots & paisleys. Try giving Santa Susana High School in Simi Vally CA a call for referrals.

[reece19]

PFLAG's probably a good place to start, if there's no gay/straight alliance. They can help him decide when and if it's appropriate to come out to his parents.

That's a rough situation to be in.