I am so embarrassed to even admit this, but it seems lately that when i have to struggle to put ds to sleep, I feel the most intense rage,wanting to squeeze him or handle him roughly, because I am so frustrated. He is SUCH a good baby---easygoing, transitions well to and from daycare/grandma when I go to work, cheerful, friendly, so much fun, he's such a a joy to have around. But I NEED for him to goto bed at night! I know he's tired, but some nights getting him to sleep is a battle. we follow an exact routine every night (flexible on the exact time dpeending on when he gets tired, but pretty much always between 7 & 8): WE have dinner, then he plays in his room while I tidy up and lay out his pajamas, then bath, get dressed, brush teeth, songs/sometimes stories if he's not fidgety, leche (nursing), and when he is asleep or almost asleep I lay him down. He usually goes down ok. But then 5 minutes later he is up again, crying. I pick him up, rock him back to sleep, lay him down. I try to be sensitive to the fact that onm days when I have been gone from him, he is craving that closeness. But...I am a single parent, I work FT, go to school MORE than FT, I have to pump twice between his bedtime and mine, do laundry, cook his lunch for the next day because he won't eat baby food, etc. I need that window from 7 PM to 12 to get stuff done, especially schoolwork, because the deadlines for assignments are at midnight. I am not a totally GD person when it comes to other things, but I really, really want to make him feel secure and loved. I don't want to CIO, but I don't want to feel so angry when he wakes up. I feel really, really overwhelmed right now...sometimes when I hear him crying I go through the house saying, "I just want him to shut UP. This kid is getting on my nerves..." etc etc But my heart aches for him when I hear him cry, and I go an get him, and then I feel so angry because I have to nurse him AGAIN, and now I have ton stay up longer so I can pump, and then the dryer buzzes or a dog barks or something and he wakes up AGAIN, and I have to hold him tightly to me because now he is kicking and screaming and pushing me away (and I have very tender breasts, it HURTS and I feel like smashing something) and rock him FOREVER. I already take medication for bipolar disorder and I had hoped it would help with these feelings, but it's not. Please help me put this in perspective....I know it won't last forever and I know he's a baby, but I'm so TIRED.
post #1 of 35
8/27/08 at 10:15pm