feeling rage when putting the baby to sleep--update & another question - Page 2

[veganone]

to you momma. I can't believe how much you're doing!

I agree with white noise. It helps, but for us DD still wakes a lot. But at least little noises don't wake her up!

Also, if you are taking 15 units, but need 12, you can drop one class and still be at 12, no? I would think about that... It's still early enough to drop.

I also agree on not pumping so much and having easy lunches. I have been known to throw O's cereal and a half an avocado in for lunch for DD and it works fine. She's fine. And formula is better than a breakdown!

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[henny penny]

One note on the sound machine: ours has to be up LOUD to drown out all the teeny, tiny household noises that wake ds. Don't be afraid to turn that thing on high, mama.
Hugs to you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until October. I hope it gets better then....

eta: Pumping for me was maddening. I agree with others that a bottle or two a day of formula won't harm anyone and might give you a little break.

[babymaggie]

Oh I totally understand your frustration and rage. My DS is 19 months old and I just started night weaning him two days ago because I can't stand the hour long nursing him down session and then the million times a night wake-ups to nurse again. He goes down for a nap in the afternoon like a dream but it takes forever to get him down at night. I am doing no way near what you are doing either. I am pg though and am totally exhausted.
I have nothing else to add suggestion-wise but you got some good ones. Good luck!

[theretohere]

[smellyann82]

my dd is 2.5, and i've struggled with similar things on and off. granted, i have a dh (who works 50 hour weeks and is in grad school and travels a ton), but still. until about a month ago (dd is actually 2 years, 8 months, so until 2 years, 7 months), i nursed dd to sleep at my computer every night. i work from home only while she's sleeping, so i could typically get 30-60 minutes of work in while she was settling. if she wasn't quite ready to sleep, i'd just let her get up and putz around a bit--my computer is in a room with a lot of her toys, so a lot of the time she'd play for a minute to wear herself out and i could get started on whatever i needed to do. even if it was just getting myself organized. then while she was nursing/getting into deep sleep, i'd start to work--reading, anything that required only one hand. i'd then lay her, at different points over the years, either on our bed or on the couch or on a blanket on the floor--where ever she slept best. She knew that the time right before sleep was also mama's time to start working, and she knew that she was welcome to nurse.

as other pp's recommended, for quite a while, when she'd go to sleep, dh or i would wear her in a sling, wrap, mei tai, or ergo, depending on the stage. that seemed to help (until she got too big to get things done like that).

could you try doing a TON of cooking and freezing, maybe one weekend morning? when dd was that age i was still working out of the house, so i'd stearm little cut up apples, carrots, squash, etc. on the weekend and freeze it in food cubes, and send it for her lunch in a little container. i'd also cook pasta, rice, and other grains and freeze the same way. it will be cold but thawed by lunchtime. then just send things like cut up cheese, crackers, cereal, bananas/other fruits/veggies that you don't have to cook for grandma to cut up and serve. you really can give yourself a break on that one!

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by Mizelenius

Oh, mama! I'm sorry! The sleep issue was a huge one for me when I NEEDED my DD (it was only with my oldest) to sleep so I could study. It was horrible. Once I was done with school, those feelings went away . . .it is completely situational.

How much time do you need per night just for the schoolwork? That is what I'd focus on finding SOME help for-- will your mom help a few more hours at night? Can you move in with her so that you don't have to work FT? Can you use formula instead of pumping? (I think formula is preferable to a nervous breakdown, and with the demands you have, just about ANYONE would be on that path.)

This is what I'd try to do:
(1) Get his basic needs taken care of ASAP (right after work/school). Some play/cuddle/reading time and feeding for both of you.
(2) Start schoolwork right away, even when he's awake, even if you have to nurse while you do it. This will be the toughest part.
(3) Do chores while you wear him in a carrier on your back. Save the mindless stuff (cleaning) for last-- you don't need to be running at full capacity to do it like you do with school.
(4) Skip the bedtime routine, and bring him to bed with you when you sleep.
(5) If he falls asleep while you are nursing him, set up an area on the floor where you are working so that he can sleep there if he won't sleep in a carrier.

The main thing is, try not to count on him going to sleep. Once you erase that expectation, it helps a LOT. It doesn't mean getting everything else done will be easy, but it will help with getting that feeling of OMG, he needs to sleep!

I think Mizelenius gave the best advice right here. About a year and a half ago DH and I had a couple month seperation. DS and I were living on our own in a small apartment, I worked FT and was in school FT. I did everything while DS was awake and then just took him to bed with me. He was about 8 or 9 mo at the time and I'd just set several things out to occupy him and I'd sit on the floor next to him with my laptop/books/notebooks/whatever and get to work. Sometimes he'd crawl all over me and push buttons on my computer but he knew if he needed me I was right there and that was usually enough to keep him comfortable so he could play.
Big to you mama! It WILL get easier.

[jamiew]

Originally Posted by treehuggermama

I second wearing baby down if that works in an ergo or other carrier so that your hands are free to get things done.

Agreed as well. A sling or ergo would be great, he can be close to you but you can still do things around the house.

He obviously wants and needs you to hold him, after he doesn't see you all day. Perhaps wearing him down in a sling or similar carriers is the answer.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by jamiew

He obviously wants and needs you to hold him, after he doesn't see you all day.

This is exactly it. This is what my heart tells me. Last night we had another rough night...my mom actually heard me yelling (well, not yelling, but not talking very nicely) to him and came out to see what was going on because he was crying so loud. It was because I had scared him with my manner. I felt TERRIBLE, like, I can't even describe it. The worst feeling in the world, to think you've in some way hurt your child. She said I should leave him in his own bed all night so he gets used to ti, but I think you mamas are on point...he needs MORE of me, not less. I brought him to bed with me after he fell asleep and snuggled up with him the rest of the night. I'm so glad you all are reminding me of this, that he is just a baby who needs his mommy, not spoiled o manipulating and not old enough to be left on his own. I love the suggestion of cooking ahead...why didn't I think of that?

[lanamommyphd07]

I swear, cosleeping is what has kept both me and my daughter sane. Seriously. But the thing I learned early on----I could not plan. Not anything. Every time I tried to have some kind of personal schedule for the evening or weekend day--it was dashed by a teething, or ill, or needing-some-cuddles, or just plain perky kid. I have this list of "things I could do if I had a few minutes" on my refrigerator. When she's down for the count at night, and I still have some energy, I get back up, take back my poor beaten boob, turn on the monitor, and wash that window or take out the trash, or clip the grass around the fenceposts. Tonight, I'm low on energy so I get to indulge here a while. (no, really, I'm checking the ebay sales. really I am). I managed to write a dissertation, work full time, and nurse the kid and get a house ready to sell as a single mom--but I honestly did the dissertation with help. Could not do that little chore with the wee one -- so I'd leave for two hours or so on a weeknight while my mom played with the babe in between nursies. That's how that one got finished. And we cook on Sundays--but I don't plan on the time we start, just that the number one project is cooking. and dd can help now so that's a plus for entertainment. She gets slapped in the Ergo if she's too clingy or needs a closer mom (who needs to mow the lawn). And she's usually quite content there. Everyone's needs get met. The house, though, that's another story. My floors need to be washed, the windows need to be washed, the mess with a toddler is endless with the goo. But I let a lot of that go, and get to it another day.

[Alison Cole]

Just chiming in to say that even though I have way more support and way less going on than you, I still get frustrated when it's so obvious that the baby needs sleep, she's rubbing her eyes and so tired, but she is just fighting it so hard. You've gotten lots of great suggestions, but just know that what you're feeling is normal, and raising your voice in frustration is not harmful or abusive; when you're feeling more calm you can lovingly explain to the babe why you were so upset, and apologise for yelling. We're all human and we all get frustrated and it absolutely doesn't make you a bad mom. You're working so hard and it's a hard job being a mommy. Love and light to you.

[oceanbaby]

Please go easy on yourself. I have no medical issues, am a full time stay at home mom, and I used to feel those same feelings of rage with my first child at bedtime. Just reading your post brought back some really dark memories for me.

I really have no solution for you, other than to remind you that it will end. I promise, it really will. I know you know this logically, but when you're laying there, being pummeled, wanting to scream, it feels like this will be your life forever. But pretty soon he will sleep. You have so much on your plate right now, but it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, and before you know it, he will be sleeping longer and longer.

One practical suggestion, however. How much caffeine do you drink? If you are nursing, it's possible that your baby is sensitive to caffeine. My first wasn't, but my second was - if I had caffeine after 3pm he had a really hard time sleeping. Just a thought . . .

[waiting2bemommy]

So...I took all of your suggestion to heart. my mom is helping me out with keeping ds's room clean, since she watches him M-Th. she also washed and folded some of his clothes today too.

In a couple months I will be getting some financial aid money and I have my eye on a full size platform bed from ikea. right now we sleep in a twin daybed which is kind of tight. what if I got the platform bed and then a toddler bed right near it in my room, to give us each our own space but still leaving an open invitation to cosleep? Has anyone done this with a baby under a year? I could still put a bedrail on the toddler bed, but it would be low to the ground and the one I'm thinking of I could stand up during the day and store, to give me more space in my room. This is the advantage over the pnp which is a pain to undo every night.(plus ds is NOT a fan of anything with "walls"....he likes to sleep on the big bed; I don't see him being any happier int he pnp in my room than in the crib) he would be around 10 months when I do this. fwiw he is already creeping holding onto things and can get down out of his stroller and carseat feet first. does this seem crazy? then ds can actually sleep right near me while I work on the LAPTOP I'm buying with that same financial aid $$....

[Mizelenius]

I would skip the toddler bed (based on my children-- yours could be different). Put him right to sleep in your bed, but teach him how to get off the bed properly. Children can learn this very early! Put up a bed rail when you aren't there, pillows to block the sides, or just put the mattress right on the floor.

I am so glad for a happy update! Thinking of you!

[kokonutmama]

I feel you.

I ended up making all kinds of compromises and imperfect decisions because of just absolutely needing time I didn't have.

Try listing to really loud angry music on earphones when you're traveling or between classes or something... get the rage out.

You love your baby, and you're doing what you can. Keep it up, mama.

[veganone]

I would probably go with a full size mattress on the floor with a crib mattress on one side of it, if you want him to have his own space. No risk of falling, and easy for both of you.

I have said it so many times I probably sound like I'm advertising for them, but I love this bedrail, and it's cheap. If you get a bed, get one without a platform that extends beyond the mattress so you can sidecar his crib/toddler bed. Then you have your own space, but are still close enough to co-sleep.

I'm so glad your mom is helping!