Tell me if this would tick you off (sorry, long) - Page 2

[sapphire_chan]

Sorry but anyone who is so ignorant about homebirth that she doesn't know people transfer for emergencies doesn't have an opinion worth considering. And just because her ignorant friends happen to be doctors doesn't make their opinions carry any more weight.

If I might suggest:
"Dear Stepmother,

Thank you for your concern. Perhaps you would be less anxious about the topic if you spoke with people who have had actual experience with homebirth rather than relying on the baseless assumptions of people as ignorant on this topic as you. Your email held a great deal of fear and no real information."

But then, I'm assuming you wouldn't mind getting her angry

[Malva]

I personally would brush it off.

Obviously, even if you don't know her, she still cares enough for having taken the time to write that really long email.

I'd send a reply email thanking her for her concern and assuring her you all options are being considered very carefully.

Then go on your merry way and have a fantastic homebirth.

[Sioko]

She's scared for you and cares about you. I would say that it's very sweet that she's so concerned but that you have made the choice you feel is best for you and baby. I would go on to reassure her of the safety nets I and/or the midwife have in case of emergency and whatever "crash plan" ya'll might have in place. But only because I'm very close to my MIL and care about her and respect her feelings concerning her grandchild's safety. I think she just wants to be reassured that you considered both sides and the risks of each equally and didn't make your decision rashly. It's ok for her to feel the way she does. It's natural. I'm not saying just do what she says and forget what you want. After all, it's your decision. I think her letter was a caring gesture and would take it as that.

I know that ***** is a very strong personality and a very caring person, but how much of this is her desire for your birth experience and how much is your actual desire to do this at home?

I would be offended though at the emphasis and implication that your midwife has somehow brainwashed you into doing things "her way" and that you are at her mercy and incapable of making your own decisions. That's the only part that rubbed me the wrong way. But I'd let that slide since really it came from a caring place and she prolly didn't mean it in a bad way.

[LilacMama]

I agree with those that say they would take no offense at this email (sure you could find "insults" in it, but I honestly don't think it's meant unkindly, just maybe a little arrogantly. I think it's meant out of genuine, misguided concern. I would take one of two options:
1) send her a short note thanking her for her concern and information and informing her that you will consider her words and continue to do your research -- then never talk about again
2) inundate her with research articles, send her a copy of the book "Pushed," and politely make it known that you are willing and able to advocate for the safety and appropriateness of home birth

relax, take a warm bath, drink some tea, whatever it is that calms you down. this IS a very personal topic and i hope you can feel peaceful towards your birth choice and also peaceful toward this family member once you are able to look at the situation more peacefully.

[FraggleLover]

Originally Posted by ilovebabies

I can understand why you would be surprised to get her e-mail considering you just met her a month ago, but to be *that* mad over it? Nah, I don't see the big deal, really.

I mean, her e-mail was worded very nicely. She's genuinely concerned for you and the baby. Yes, she's uninformed and feels strongly about her stance, just as you feel just as strongly about yours.

I'd simply thank her for her concern and tell her you'll consider all she's said. I think that's all she really wants. Well, I'm sure she's hoping to change your mind as well. Maybe once she sees the success of your home birth, it will help change HER mind.

You don't want to have friction in your relationship with her, especially since she's your DP's stepmom and your relationship is new. Just keep your reply simple and sweet. Coming off defensive and angry will only give the impression that you're insecure about your decision rather than confident of it.

:
And if she brings it up again firmly say that you and your husband make those informed decisions together and invite her to change the topic.

[felix23]

Just ignore it and it she keeps bringing it up make your dh talk to her. She is most likely not trying to be mean, but she should have left out all the scary stories and just stuck to how wonderful the birth centers were if she really felt she had to send a letter. I understand being angry though, that is exactly how I felt when I recieved an e-mail telling me how horrible it was I was having a c-section. But I calmed down, realized they were doing it out of concern, and just hit delete.

[the_lissa]

I would be furious.

[threadbey]

i can see where you are coming from, but as an outsider to your family i think the email was actually about the nicest one i can imagine from an anti-homebirth medical professional relative to a homebirth-planning first time mom. she does seem genuinely concerned about you and feels that she has information you may be unaware of which might change your perspective. i got the sense from the tone of the email that she would actually be receptive to some better studies of homebirth and an explanation of how you view the risks associated with home vs. risks associated with hospital. even if her background prevents her from being very open to suggestions that hospital policies cause women to die who would not have died at home, she would probably accept that there is a real risk to your newborn (and you) from the nastier bugs that run around in hospitals vs. at home. and she would probably take on board an explanation that homebirth in 2008 is NOT the same as homebirth in 1900 for many many reasons including advances in midwifery, hospital transport, nutrition, and screening out of high-risk mothers.

if you value your relationship with this woman (which it sounds like you should), i would try to tamp down my emotions and talk about it. you don't have to have one big talk, you can just casually respond to a few things as they come up. or write an email back, if you prefer. but if you do that, don't press send immediately, reread it a day or more later and try to make sure it sounds at least as respectful as hers did (and preferably more!)

you can try to address some of her anecdotal concerns. midwives have a lot of tricks for dealing with shoulder dystochia and as far as i understand it they are generally gentler and safer than vacuum extraction. i also think that midwives do carry forceps just in case. as for not being able to pee - my midwife inserted a catheter for me during labor (because i requested it, feeling that i had to pee but couldn't) and i barely felt it. properly trained midwives can do a whole LOT of what they would do in a hospital, is what i'm trying to say, and most people don't understand that. the only things they can't do are give you serious drugs (but they do have pitocin for possibly hemmorrage - why can i never spell that word??), perform surgery, or give you a blood transfusion.

as for the 14 yo dying of blood loss on the way to the hospital, i would say it's impossible to say much without more information. i know some midwives would consider a mother that young to be too risky for a homebirth, but i don't know if blood loss is a specific risk of being young.

anyway, i think you have a potentially great relationship ahead with this woman, really. she sounds reasonable and caring. my mil was not happy about the homebirth (although she was pretty quiet about it) until afterwards, but she came around and the issue has not been a problem in our relationship.

good luck!

[LoganBsMom]

Originally Posted by starling&diesel

It sounds to me that she's writing this out of love for you and your young family, even if she's only met you the one time.
If you were my best friend, I would suggest that you receive it the way it was given, out of concern and from a place of wisdom and experience. You don't have to agree with her at all, but you can appreciate the care and attention she's given your situation.

When people tell me all about how their baby would've "died at home!!!" I listen to their story -- because it IS their story -- and then I thank thme for their concern and tell them that we are comfortable with our decision to do a homebirth and will not change our minds.

When you've had your smooth homebirth, maybe she'll start to rethink things!

:
I have to agree, even though it feels negative, it seems more concerned. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation though. In your shoes I might send back a short reply, that you understand that like all things in life there are risks, you know what they are, you accept them. You appreciate the concern but it is not up for debate and you hope she can support your decision, and if not, at least keep her negative feelings to herself. And good luck with your HB, hope it is a beautiful experience for you.

[claras_mom]

I think the email comes from a position of caring.

[coyotemist]

Originally Posted by dolcedaze

Birth experiences are very, very emotional for many people. Everyone wants to believe they made the best choices with their own circumstances, and everyone wants the people they love to be safe, whatever their own perception of that is.

Yep! Each of our opinions is biased by our experiences. It's hard not to be.

Originally Posted by justKate

And if she mentions the mortality rates of the early 1900's again, you could remind her that in the last 100 years (mostly male) doctors have learned to wash their hands before delivering babies, so its probably not a fair comparison.

Definately, that's a huge improvement!


Honestly, I wouldn't be offended at all. She's only had her own experiences, and it sounds like they have all been negative. You could even link her here, and have her read all the wonderful homebirth stories! There was one in particular in May, I believe, (I'll see if I can find it) where the baby's life was saved BECAUSE mom was not medicated. They said the baby would have done so much worse had he been a hospital birth. She was treated kindly by the hospital staff, and things turned out well.

Also, you could kindly let her know (as many others have said!) that midwives can deal with shoulder dystocia, hemmorage, and nearly any other problem you can imagine! They generally bring oxygen, pitocin, and maybe even other drugs that might be necessary! And if you have access to an ambulance/local fire department you can transfer if a true emergency arises!

We are having a hospital birth. But that is OUR choice. I've seen BOBB, and I've done research. Mostly, it's cost driving our choice, but it helps that I have a WONDERFUL OB. Everyone is entitled to make their own choice, and for an uncomplicated normal pregnancy, a homebirth is a very safe option!

[coyotemist]

Here is that amazing homebirth story, that ended beautifully BECAUSE she was unmedicated.

[amydidit]

Yeah, I'd be pissed.

I'd respond to her with:
"Since you say that you will "ultimately respect" my decision I trust you will never try to use scare tactics on me again, as you accused my midwife of doing. This baby WILL be born at home. But since you're so scared of it, the next time YOU choose to give birth to a baby I won't try to talk you out of going to a hospital."

But, that might not be the best if you ever want to have a good relationship with her. Personally *I* have no desire to have a good relationship with anyone who tries to scare me into going to a hospital, so I would have no problem being snarky and forward.

[Southern_Belle]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Sorry but anyone who is so ignorant about homebirth that she doesn't know people transfer for emergencies doesn't have an opinion worth considering.

Oh, don't say that...everyone has an opinion worth considering.

Birth is such an emotional time - and that goes for you AND your step mom. Maybe it's me, but I find her letter to be coming from a place of sincerity and true concern. If you just met her for the first time a month ago, this is a great format where she has laid out her concerns. Should she keep them to herself? Would you keep them to your self if your child in the the future was making a decision you didn't agree with (right or wrong)? As parents, we state our position, lean on what we will teach our children, and leave them to make their own decisions.

I feel like this is what your DP's step mom is doing.

If anything, rather than taking this so personally, why not take the opportunity to create a dialogue with her? This is someone that will be a grand parent to your child. Why have their relationship be tainted by your dealings with her? Why not take the time to show her some statistics against what she is saying? Show her why you have made your decision.

While I truly believe that what you decide is your choice to make on your own, the fact that you have opened up and let others in your family into this process means you are now open to their comments. I agree with the less is more on the information front, if you are not willing to have a dialogue about the choices you have made. That's just IMHO.

Take this situation and turn it into a positive, rather than festering in anger that will do nothing but waste time and energy that you can be directing towards your unborn baby!

[riaketty]

I'm going to assume your MIL is a caring, intelligent person.

I don't think you should be angry. In fact, I think you should be touched. And I think this should be an opportunity to inform her.

The 'tone' I get from the email is that she's really worried. Not that she's telling you what to do, but that she just wants to make sure you've thought out your choices. After all, she works with pregnant women, and has probably seen some women who have NO IDEA what goes on during delivery/birth. (That whole thing that people research cars/electronics more than pregnancy/birth stat.)

I would respond with a "Thank you for caring and your view. But we're researched this up and down and we really think this is the right choice for our family! We'd really, really appreciate your support." type email. I wouldn't take offense unless you really think she's 'out to get you'.

Good luck.

[Channelle]

Originally Posted by Malva

I personally would brush it off.

Obviously, even if you don't know her, she still cares enough for having taken the time to write that really long email.

I'd send a reply email thanking her for her concern and assuring her you all options are being considered very carefully.

Then go on your merry way and have a fantastic homebirth.

This is exactly what I would do, especially bolded is what I would say, it's very polite, kind, and eloquent, but also to the point and leaves no opening for further discussion/arguments.

[DoingDoing:Julie]

I have to say that though I COMPLETELY know how you feel (it is VERY frustrating to have family members share their two cents on your personal choices) I feel like her email is a loving one. She is concerned, and is doing the best she can with the information she has. And it would be a good idea to make a list of which docotors will be on call during the week you expect to deliver. It would also be a good idea to write up an "emergency birth plan" incase there is an emergency and the doctors make choices for you, or try to convince you to do things you aren't comfortable with.

And aquantance of mine birthed at home, but had to finish birth at hospital. no biggie, wasnt even an emergency, but the cord was coming first (forgot word for it) HOWEVER the doctor and nursing staff bullied her into feeling like it was an emergency and had her put completely put under for a cesarian, and tried to NOT allow her husband and sister into the room for the cesarian!!!!!!! If she had felt like she had time to read what she was signing, or had a birth plan, or whatever, things would have been better for her.

[CEG]

Originally Posted by DoingDoing:Julie

And aquantance of mine birthed at home, but had to finish birth at hospital. no biggie, wasnt even an emergency, but the cord was coming first (forgot word for it) HOWEVER the doctor and nursing staff bullied her into feeling like it was an emergency and had her put completely put under for a cesarian, and tried to NOT allow her husband and sister into the room for the cesarian!!!!!!! If she had felt like she had time to read what she was signing, or had a birth plan, or whatever, things would have been better for her.

Not to hijack the thread but this is called cord prolapse and is one the of the most serious obstetrical emergencies. An emergency c-section was almost certainly needed to to save the baby's life.

On topic, I think this e-mail sounds like it was very carefully written to not be rude or condescending. She is speaking from the position of not being educated on homebirth but it certainly sounds like she is coming from a position of caring and love. I would take it as a compliment that she cared enough to write is and either ignore it or thank her an move on.

[colaga]

Like many others have said already, it looks like she really cares about you and your baby.

I am a completely healthy woman, with a healthy lifestyle and with no bad habits whatsoever. I had given birth naturally two times: 9lbs and 9 oz and 8lbs 12oz, no tears, enjoyed the experience both times. Then in my third pregnancy I nearly, nearly considered giving birth at home, since my pregnancy this time went seamlessly as well, everything was just right. Well, had I not gone to the hospital I probably might have died and my baby probably would surely have been stillborn. I ended up having a detached placenta and lost quite a lot of blood. My baby died anyway a week old in the special care, he had a heart problem which was not spotted during any of the ultrasounds.

This experience has taught me that you truly never know what might happen and it's not good to be too proud or self assured about your physical abilities.

This lady probably has seen a lot in her experience and wants you and your baby to be safe.
My best wishes for your birth experience!

[tak]

Originally Posted by claras_mom

I think the email comes from a position of caring.

I agree. It's a very emotional email. That doesn't mean that you have to respond to it, but try to understand her perspective and hope that eventually she will understand yours.