Unresponsive 13 year old

[sunanthem]

My SIL and her two kids just moved in with us for awhile b/c they had no where else to go. Her oldest boy is 13. His bedtime is 10pm. He is sitting at the top of the stairs refusing to budge and get up there into bed. My SIL yelled at him, and so did my dh, b/c he just refuses to move. They have both given up and he is still sitting there. What do you do when they just wont do what they are supposed to?

[fek&fuzz]

In this case I might just sit next to him and give him a hug and tell him I love him and that he is safe.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

In this case I might just sit next to him and give him a hug and tell him I love him and that he is safe.

I agree. I'd offer to do something with him or for him. He might be 13 but he's still a kid. If he has had trouble at home and has just moved in with you then he likely has a lot going on his little mind too.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

In this case I might just sit next to him and give him a hug and tell him I love him and that he is safe.

:

I'd also strongly reconsider the reasoning behind setting "arbitrary limits" on a teenager. It sounds like there have been a lot of recent upheavals in his life, and he probably feels very much "out of control" right now. Try to give him as much control over his life as possible, and encourage your SIL to do the same. Is there any particular need for him to have a set bedtime? Try to give him input into chore schedules, house rules, etc, so he feels heard.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

:

I'd also strongly reconsider the reasoning behind setting "arbitrary limits" on a teenager. It sounds like there have been a lot of recent upheavals in his life, and he probably feels very much "out of control" right now. Try to give him as much control over his life as possible, and encourage your SIL to do the same. Is there any particular need for him to have a set bedtime? Try to give him input into chore schedules, house rules, etc, so he feels heard.

Unless it is a school night my older kids go to bed when they way. Although I have been known to tell my 9 year old to turn off the light and go to bed at 2am.

[mamato3cherubs]

I think someone needs to talk to him and find out why he is doing it. That is much more productive than yelling. Yelling never gets you anywhere, especially at that age.

I dissagree with the others as far as not needing a bedtime. if he has alway had one, then some consitancy of some kind is important in the childs life. as well as a regular life at that age. If he is staying up forever, he will be sleeping in late in order to get enough rest and that is the begining to a bad pattern in my experience.

I have found it leads to laziness the rest of the day which i dont find ok, or healthy for a child, teen or not.

I think mostly he is probably upset over his situation and going to be stubborn and test his parents on what ever he can. He probably wants/needs attention that he isnt getting. Are you close to him at all? He my respond better to you than his own parents at this point, as far as getting to the heart of the matter.

[Jesslyn]

Yelling never works especially at that age. I would go sit next to him and try to talk it out with him. From what I read I think it goes way beyond bed time and goes into something deeper.

[mar123]

It seems like there have been many changes in his life. I think that his sitting there is a cry for someone to talk to him. My 12 year old has a bed time 30 minutes later than his sisters and he always wants me to put him to bed; even if he goes to his room by himself, he always waits for me to turn out the light. Many times, this is when he chooses to open up, talk, share. He also still wants a hug from me every night.

[sunanthem]

Well, it was a school night, and he does have to get up at 5:30 to get to the bus by 6:45. His mom said 10 pm was bedtime, I'm staying out of it, since its her kid, plus I would like some time at night without any children up, since my kids always went to bed at 9.
He does have alot going on, and no, I'm not really close to him. But I did spend some quality time with him this week, his mom and I went out to dinner w/ just him, then I let him pick out a few new clothes and got them for him.
He does have alot going on, but he does need to listen to what we say, and get enough sleep for school. I'm just hoping he doesn't start testing us when my kids are awake, b/c I really dont want them learning these behaviours from him.
I agree though, he does need more attention, his dad never wanted anything to do with him, his mom is a single working mom who just finally correctly diagnosed his younger brother with autism, and he just hasnt been getting as much attention, his granma just bailed on them, thats why they came to live w/ us. But I think now he will have lots of attention in this house of 7.
Plus, once she gets settled, she will have him back in therapy, b/c his mom just doesn't know what to do with him when he acts like this.

[redveg]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

In this case I might just sit next to him and give him a hug and tell him I love him and that he is safe.

:

Originally Posted by Ruthla

:

I'd also strongly reconsider the reasoning behind setting "arbitrary limits" on a teenager. It sounds like there have been a lot of recent upheavals in his life, and he probably feels very much "out of control" right now. Try to give him as much control over his life as possible, and encourage your SIL to do the same. Is there any particular need for him to have a set bedtime? Try to give him input into chore schedules, house rules, etc, so he feels heard.

:

My guys had a bedtime of 9:30p, on school nights. They all thought they should be able to stay up later, as they are in high school now. We let them decide on their bedtime, after a few nights of working out the kinks, of course they wanted to stay up as last as possible, but were too tired in the mornings. They go themselves between 9:30/10:00p. I think with the big changes of high school, social issues that go along with it, they feel a bit more in control of something in their lives.

[CarrieMF]

Has she tried to work out a compromise with him on it? He could be in his room by 10, but not necessarily have to go to sleep.

If he has to be up that early, then if she lets him stay up later he'll quickly realize that it doesn't work well for the mornings(or it may, he may be a night person).

[DoingDoing:Julie]

Originally Posted by sunanthem

My SIL and her two kids just moved in with us for awhile b/c they had no where else to go. Her oldest boy is 13. His bedtime is 10pm. He is sitting at the top of the stairs refusing to budge and get up there into bed. My SIL yelled at him, and so did my dh, b/c he just refuses to move. They have both given up and he is still sitting there. What do you do when they just wont do what they are supposed to?

Honestly, I would ask him if he would like a pillow and blanky where he was sitting up there, and just let him sit if he wants to! It is a phase. He's not gonna be sitting on the top of the stairs in a couple days if you invite him to!

[DoingDoing:Julie]

Originally Posted by sunanthem

He does have alot going on, but he does need to listen to what we say, and get enough sleep for school. I'm just hoping he doesn't start testing us when my kids are awake, b/c I really dont want them learning these behaviours from him.

My older siblings had struggles, and my parents dealt with it by screaming/yelling at them constantly. It made me hate my parents/dislike/not feel respect for them, because I felt like they were mean to my older siblings. I couldnt see, at my age, how frustrated my parents were. And probably I wouldnt have cared anyways. In m oppionion, you all need to avoid yelling, and avoid forcing, and try and protect your younger siblings from YOUR (probably mostly meaning SIL and DH) reactions to your own frustration with a situation that you dont understand!
And I think you have to be careful with needing him to listen to what you say attitude. Yes . . . he does need to. But remember, a balanced house hold has 2 adults, each with different roles and styles that the child is able to grow accustomed to. He has basically only had one until suddenly when his aunt and uncle are thrown into the mix as well! Imagine taking it from 3 adults at once, each of whom are (in his mind) trying to boss him around. He will probably just grow extra defiant of your DH, and probably feels threatened by this new man in his life, expecially since DH is already raising his voice (in my opinion a VERY intimate form of anger, and one that will always raise hard feelings)

[cmhotzler]

Don't know if this makes any difference, but...I was like that as a child, it had nothing to do with what time was bed, or how tired I was, I was just plain scared of going to my room upstairs when there wasn't an adult up there. No abuse issues etc. Just plain scared. Didn't out grow that until later in the teen years. And even then, couldn't be in a house by myself and sleep until my early 20's. Maybe he is just scared. Simple,plain scared. Not trying to be difficult, or anything, but doesn't want to appear a "baby" and admit he's just scared of the idea of being somewhere a adult is not. I never told my parents why I never wanted to go to sleep, or why I would hide out in the stairway until they came to bed, I was afriad to tell them for fear of looking like a baby in front of my older brothers and sisters. Have you asked him? Not that he would tell you for sure, but it is worth a try...

[UnschoolnMa]

I'd ditch the bedtime idea for a kid that age for sure. I'd tell him that I am there for him if he needs to talk or has any concerns or questions. I'd share that I know he's at an age where you can feel totally lost, etc. I would share my concerns about him getting enough rest, and ask for his thoughts on that.

Yelling is no good though.

[mamaduck]

I have some episodes like this with my 12 year old. Usually when I am being too heavy handed, and he feels insulted. I would sit beside him and say something to the effect of,

"I am guessing that you feel old enough, at 13 years old, to decide when to go to bed for yourself. It hurts your dignity and your pride to be told to go to bed like you were just a little kid. Am I correct?"

If he nods, or gives any indication that this is a true assessment, I would then say:

"Okay, I can understand that, and I imagine we can work with you. I am concerned that you may be tired in the morning, but I guess that is on you. Also though, I have to be honest and say that I am used to having this time to myself in the evenings, without any kids around. I'm glad you are here, but we need to work something out. Can you think of a way to make both of us happy?"

See if you can get him to make a suggestion. If he just won't even try to negotiate, then suggest some compromises. Ie. "How about you hang out in your room as late as you think is appropriate?" But its better if its his idea.

Remember that kids this age respect honesty and they are affected by seeing your human side. Its okay to admit to him that you need some time "off" in the evenings.

And FTR, I think you can step in and take this approach as an Aunt. If your dh and your sil don't know what to do, then it won't hurt anything to give this a try. If you are very concerned, you can ask your sil's permission.

[1littlebit]

i am going to agree with the pp who said raising your voice is a very intimate form of anger. i think i would be angry and humiliated if one of my aunt or uncles yelled at me like that. this is an obvious cry for help of some kind. why wouldn't someone just talk to him? he was pretty clear that he needed someone to be there for him. Please continue to try and reach out to him and include him in your family activities as much as possible. I wouldn't worry to much about you LO's picking up his behavior. the will more then likely also pick up that he is going through a rough time and that is why he is acting this way.