Becky finally told her dad why - Page 2

[SunshineJ]

Wouldn't it really be a wonderful world if in every child's life both parents actually put the child's well being first? It seems like so often there's one (at least) who doesn't seem to care what's best for the child. From what you've posted, that would be Becky's biomom. Unfortunately I've seen that kind of havoc wreaked on kids too many times, and you're absolutely right, Becky is the one who loses.

Since she is older and better capable of understanding how things work, this is the approach I would take. For you, I would do nothing but be willing to welcome her to your home whenever she may be ready to come back. For your DH, I would have him gather all the documentation - the paperwork for the counselor, the timelines of his and your actions (your getting a local job to be close to her, his discussion of custody with the attorney, etc.), whatever he thinks she might need to know. It sounds like all she is aware of at this time are the lies her mother has told her. She's old enough to decide if she wants to be with her dad or not, but she also deserves to know the truth of what has really transpired. Right now it sounds like she has no idea just how much her dad was willing to fight for her, and maybe that's a lot of her anger. I would definitely not say anything negative about her mother during this, just present the facts and let her decide where she wants to go from there. She's in a tough situation at one of the hardest ages on top of that, and one of my concerns would be where she plans to turn that anger (drugs, criminal activity, etc.).

I do have to make a comment about confronting her over calling you the c word. If her door was closed and she was speaking in a normal voice and you overheard it, then yeah, I don't think it should've been mentioned. However, if she was shouting or if the door was open, then imo there was no reasonable expectation of privacy. Since I don't know if the door were open or closed, I can't really judge on what happened, but I absolutely cannot go along with condemning you for confronting her on it if her door was open.

K.

[PoppyMama]

My reply to you took into account my assumption that a lot has gone on and led up to this. I understand that the situation sucks and that it's unfair and there are hurt feelings. There comes a time when you have to be right or happy and this is that time. This is your DPs child and if you a parent you will fight for your child with all the tools you can grasp -most importantly your brain and maturity. I stand by my previous advice and I hope all will be well with you.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

If i were you i'd do nothing (really hard i know). If i were DH i'd write and tell Becky that i loved her incredibly, incredibly much, but that i loved you too, and that i wasn't going to choose between you because there is enough love for everyone. I would tell her that she's not a little girl anymore, she's a young woman, and that she was old enough to make her decisions about when to see whom. I would tell her that she was welcome any time and that i was going to continue to invite and come down for her when she would normally be staying, but that i would never never force her to come. I would tell her that if she then chose NOT to come, it was her decision. I would also offer a meal/coffee/cinema out just dad and DD as an option to see him alone.
.

I really like that. Nothing works like love. It does take time and patience though.

[lovemybubus]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

MDC is a place where we are respectful of children and view them as people with rights. The idea that we don't care how children feel and that they should not have any control over what goes on around them and can and should be dragged by police to a place where they feel disrespected and disregarded (I am not placing any judgements about what is really going on) is revolting. That is not responsible parenting. Is this all just about HIS time and HER time or are the children considered in here somewhere? Family therapy obviously needs to happen here but starting out from the viewpoint that the dsd is awful and jealous and just trying to manipulate is not productive. She may have reasons for feeling the way she does that others may not agree with or understand but they are still her feelings and being dragged somewhere by the police is not likely to heal her.

Speaking as someone who was the DSD, thank you very much for this post. More often I read the posts from stepmothers and I think it's y'all that are the jealous ones. I wonder, have you ever had a conversation about DSD to a dear friend and referred to her in a not so positive light? I wonder how she would have felt if she over heard you?? Sure you probably didn't call her the "C" word, but perhaps that is because YOU are an adult. Again, speaking as the DSD I think a lot of the PP's were totally biased, and without respect to the OP's DSD. You were young once, were you not? Did you all desire love and attention from your fathers? Why would this young girl be any different? She feels LOST, LEFT OUT, HELPLESS, and BETRAYED. Play the adult, cut her some slack and show some support, would it kill you??

[cycle]

Originally Posted by lovemybubus

Speaking as someone who was the DSD, thank you very much for this post. More often I read the posts from stepmothers and I think it's y'all that are the jealous ones. I wonder, have you ever had a conversation about DSD to a dear friend and referred to her in a not so positive light? I wonder how she would have felt if she over heard you?? Sure you probably didn't call her the "C" word, but perhaps that is because YOU are an adult. Again, speaking as the DSD I think a lot of the PP's were totally biased, and without respect to the OP's DSD. You were young once, were you not? Did you all desire love and attention from your fathers? Why would this young girl be any different? She feels LOST, LEFT OUT, HELPLESS, and BETRAYED. Play the adult, cut her some slack and show some support, would it kill you??

ITA and I'm sorry you experienced this as a child. This is the point I was trying to make in my earlier posts.