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September Dating Thread!!!

post #1 of 138
Thread Starter 
I'm tired of living in the land of ambivalence, in which I'm alternately wanting to end my relationship with my BF (not my sons' dad) and wanting to make it work. I think our styles are so different - he takes a very long time to do anything and rarely follows through on what he agrees to, and I need some consistency for my life. I am a teacher and have a toddler and middle schooler, a home I'm trying to sell, community. etc.....He is leaving the 2nd job in a year due to being asked to resign or be fired, due to his slowness and his employers' dissatisfaction with his follow-through. He has broken some big agreements recently (like asking me to agree to counseling and setting it up, then telling me on the day of the appointment that he'd screwed up and it was the week before -- after I'd arranged child care and to drive an hour to the appointment, made notes on what I wanted to discuss, etc.) There are so many examples like this - small and big - it's embarrassing to realize that i've put up with it! Once again, we are facing the question of, where will he live? What will he do? We are in a very rural region. And it comes down to, in his mind, that since he agreed to move nearer to me since I have a commitmebnt to stay near my older son's dad, that I am responsible for his happiness. he is constantly apologizing, saying "I'm sorry" left and right. I can anticipate when he won't come through with someone or something, and can expect him to ask me to help out with it. YUCK!!!! How did I let myself do this?????

As I write this, I am realizing that I just can't pretend to myself anymore that he is The One, that our good times will a marriage make, that I am at risk of making a big mistake by "taking on" another household member who isn't ready to be a contributing, cooperative partner. As he gets deeper into trouble with his lack of work opportunities (he is a planner, ironically!), and considering yet another life change (he wants to get a different degree, online, and take care of my baby while I work -- but it took him 3 diffferent universities and 6 years to get through school the first time -- and I have no assurance he will stick with a plan), I'm feeling more and more stuck, more obligated to "keep him on" as my baby gets more connected to him. WHY would I choose to be with someone who is SO different from me that it always feels like drudgery to be with him, while he feels relieved and happy and reaps tons of benefits to be with me/us?

So I think I need to keep it short and sweet, and not make it a topic for discussion with a counselor or even between us, and have it drag out forever as everything does with him.

While he loves my baby and me, and says he wants to get married and be a family in one household, I really doubt that he can do it and be an equal partner. If I am going to have a partner at all, I want someone who is responsible for himself and to us, as well, not just talking about it or asking me to be patient.

The sucky thing is he's a really nice guy, and he's struggling with all this, and I feel badly that breaking up with him will be a huge blow for him at this stressful time in his life. But the other part of me says that he has chosen his path, and that I don't have to be responsible for how he feels. He has been miserable in one job or another since last winter, and talks about it constantly.

So, before he breaks one more big or small agreement with me, I want to tell him that it's just not working out, that our plans for the future are not going to work for me and for my kids, and that now that he's lost another job, maybe it would be a good time to move on to a place where he won't feel stuck int he middle of nowhere. But....has anyone ever done this short and sweet?

i would appreciate some insight and suggestions! Thanks, mamas.
post #2 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvolvingMama View Post
I want to tell him that it's just not working out, that our plans for the future are not going to work for me and for my kids, and that now that he's lost another job, maybe it would be a good time to move on to a place where he won't feel stuck int he middle of nowhere. But....has anyone ever done this short and sweet?

i would appreciate some insight and suggestions! Thanks, mamas.
I think this is it!

The thing about breaking up is the importance of being honest and direct. If you are done, be done, make it clear and move on.

Wishing you well.
post #3 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
I think this is it!

The thing about breaking up is the importance of being honest and direct. If you are done, be done, make it clear and move on.

Wishing you well.
: I think that about sums it up. If he tries to argue with you, just tell him it isn't up for discussion and you've already made your decision.

Good luck!
post #4 of 138

September Dating Thread!!!!

Can you believe it?? I am early for once

This is the place to discuss all things 'dating'

I have just had an experience that I am not sure how to take.

I was wondering why there was less $$ in my checking account than I thought was in there so I went online and discovered that match.com had taken a chunk of change as a 'renewal' I had cancelled that a while back and had my profile hidden so I wouldn't get annoying winks and emails.

I was so peeved that I took my profile off of hidden mode, and a screen came up (a random screen) of guys, I saw one that looked more interesting than most so I said wth, and winked. We are now going to go out next week

I am sensible, and have lately been wanting to be in another relationship. I am a total 'in the moment' kind of person, and I am going with the flow.

The way I look at it is...why get angry at match for mistakenly taking my payment? It kind of seems like some kind of divine order, who knows?

Oh well, it is a new moon today, good time for new beginnings.
post #5 of 138
Beloved, this new moon is so so very much needed! Hmm, interesting way of looking at things, I'm intrigued...

EvolvingMama -

Read your whole message... And wow, you're still with him?? Whoa girl! Whoa! Hmmm... you really need to do what is bound to happen and end it. You know that it's gonna happen. So, do it, and you'll get to where you're going quicker! No more moving at turtle speed, going around in circles. Even if he's super nice and great on the inside, I would not be able to be with someone like that. ugh! Remember, there are a lot of almost's out there. You could easily meet a man (if you wanted to) who you connected with more. The only difference is that you are currently connected to him, used to him and his scent. But as a cereal monogamist, I will tell you that it will fade out so easily!

I've been dumped in many different ways and situations. The best and easiest by far, as the dumpee, has been the weening method. A couple of times, the boyfriend has been sweet and caring in the breakup. And then during the next 2 weeks after, we continued to talk and see eachother, and then slowly tapered off into a nice friendship, but not too close, or often.

I think the most hurtful, hard, and dragged out dumping experiences I've had, is when I'm flat out dumped, with no hanging out, not talking about it, and no friendship

(not that I always get dumped or anything)
post #6 of 138
I've landed in a great spot with the wealthy attorney..

We are just friend, I'm fine with it, happy to be single, not ready for him, and if we fall in love again later, great, if not, no big deal. I'm so happy I am at this point. We hung out on Friday night, and I felt so centered in that. It's as right and as real as rain! We also talked for a long long time on the phone. I think we will probably fall in love someday. And I say that not as a hopeful smitten woman, but as a totally objective observer. It's kind of obvious, and that's just hardcore fact. Not based off of any BS I may have received to spare my feelings, but just because it's obvious. Of course anything can happen and I may change or meet someone else and vice versa. And if so, I'm fine with it. If I were to be told that we would never be anything, I'd feel FINE!

I've smack landed in the best most healthiest, (yet slightly odd) situation and mindset, ever!

This guy is so smart. Probably one of the smartest people I've ever met. I'm not one just go along with some guy and accept that he is always right. But this guy, he has amazed me in his rightness. I'm glad he ended it, I'm not ready either!
post #7 of 138
oooh, Kelly, that DOES sound like some divine interference!! Have a wonderful time and tell us all about it!

Laurie, I could have written most of what you wrote just a month or so ago. It was so hard for me to break up with the boyfriend, but it came down to realizing that I would never be able to get my brain to stop yelling at me if I didn't do it It's hard to end a relationship with someone who you really do care about but it was the best thing I ever did. I instantly felt a weight come off of me and I knew it was the best decision. Also, staying in a relationship that isn't right means you're not available for the right relationship. I've spent the last 3 weeks kicking myself for not ending it sooner because then I'd have had more time with the man of my dreams, who is finally in my life
post #8 of 138
So i think i can finally share a bit of my happiness. Especially after the whole ex showing up thing! About 6 weeks ago my neighbor who is a single mama asked me if i could watch her kiddo but for the dad on his visitation days because both them of had to work. I agreed because her son also happens to be my son's best friend and i will help any single parent out if i can. After a year of the son being in my family's life i finally met his dad.(the dad actually has custody M-F and for some reason i have never met him during their drop off/pick up times) See where this is going? The dad showed up in the morning to drop him off and the rest if history. Every day that he dropped him off and picked him up he started staying longer and longer and he and i would talk for hours. He started bringing me vegetables and flowers from his garden and then we made plans to take the boys to a movie. Then a week later we took the kids to a fair and then the beach. The energy between us is very powerful and so real. Finally he and i made plans to go out alone. That night he told me that i was the most amazing woman he has ever met and i make him feel so good and so happy and he told me he wants to be with me. He also told me that i deserve to be treated good and that he wants to do that for me. I asked him if he was sure about getting involved with a single mama of 5 kids (and with a crazy ex!) and he said that he didn't care at all and that they were a part of me and he wanted to be with all of me. After that night we started talking daily and he and i and all of our kids have been doing things together. Last night he and i went out and he told me again that i make him feel so happy and he thanked me for helping him to be able to enjoy life again and to see things in a new light. We met 6 weeks ago and only just now kissed for the first time, which was the most amazing kiss i have ever shared. I have always felt like men wanted just sex with me(except for my oldest dd's dad, we were great friends) and for the second time in my life i felt appreciated for who i am and not purely as a sexual being. I feel his love and appreciation and it is the most powerful feeling. He is thirty almost thirty one, so gorgeous!, a single dad who has custody M-F(how many dads have that?) and he goes to school to be a preschool teacher. He has strong family values and has only been with a few women, both long term( did i mention he was a scorpio?). So i want to preface all of this with the fact that two days before we met i had told the universe that i was done dating. I felt used and unappreciated and that i was not going to be dating any men until i had a strong connection with a man. When i met this man i was immediately drawn to him and i told myself that i would cultivate a strong friendship with him because i needed good male energy in my life. My intentions were for friendship with him. I have been discouraged by being a single parent and dating, feeling like i would never meet a great guy who would fit with ease into my crazy life. I've been there. I have been single for 2 years and dated casually but it never felt good. SO i want y'all to know that it is possible to meet an amazing and special man who will appreciate you for everything you are. Tonight he and i are going to see WIllie Nelson
post #9 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
So i think i can finally share a bit of my happiness. Especially after the whole ex showing up thing! About 6 weeks ago my neighbor who is a single mama asked me if i could watch her kiddo but for the dad on his visitation days because both them of had to work. I agreed because her son also happens to be my son's best friend and i will help any single parent out if i can. After a year of the son being in my family's life i finally met his dad.(the dad actually has custody M-F and for some reason i have never met him during their drop off/pick up times) See where this is going? The dad showed up in the morning to drop him off and the rest if history. Every day that he dropped him off and picked him up he started staying longer and longer and he and i would talk for hours. He started bringing me vegetables and flowers from his garden and then we made plans to take the boys to a movie. Then a week later we took the kids to a fair and then the beach. The energy between us is very powerful and so real. Finally he and i made plans to go out alone. That night he told me that i was the most amazing woman he has ever met and i make him feel so good and so happy and he told me he wants to be with me. He also told me that i deserve to be treated good and that he wants to do that for me. I asked him if he was sure about getting involved with a single mama of 5 kids (and with a crazy ex!) and he said that he didn't care at all and that they were a part of me and he wanted to be with all of me. After that night we started talking daily and he and i and all of our kids have been doing things together. Last night he and i went out and he told me again that i make him feel so happy and he thanked me for helping him to be able to enjoy life again and to see things in a new light. We met 6 weeks ago and only just now kissed for the first time, which was the most amazing kiss i have ever shared. I have always felt like men wanted just sex with me(except for my oldest dd's dad, we were great friends) and for the second time in my life i felt appreciated for who i am and not purely as a sexual being. I feel his love and appreciation and it is the most powerful feeling. He is thirty almost thirty one, so gorgeous!, a single dad who has custody M-F(how many dads have that?) and he goes to school to be a preschool teacher. He has strong family values and has only been with a few women, both long term( did i mention he was a scorpio?). So i want to preface all of this with the fact that two days before we met i had told the universe that i was done dating. I felt used and unappreciated and that i was not going to be dating any men until i had a strong connection with a man. When i met this man i was immediately drawn to him and i told myself that i would cultivate a strong friendship with him because i needed good male energy in my life. My intentions were for friendship with him. I have been discouraged by being a single parent and dating, feeling like i would never meet a great guy who would fit with ease into my crazy life. I've been there. I have been single for 2 years and dated casually but it never felt good. SO i want y'all to know that it is possible to meet an amazing and special man who will appreciate you for everything you are. Tonight he and i are going to see WIllie Nelson

That is great!!! What does your neighbor think??
post #10 of 138
Haven't told her. The last time i was dating someone she told me that she couldn't understand why a woman with 5 kids could get a decent guy and why she, with only 2 kids twice a week, couldn't get a decent guy. She and I are the same age but she prefers picking up 21 year old men from bars and can never understand why they won't commit to something long term with her. She isn't exactly tactful. I have been watching her son for her every weekend day that she wants to go and party for the last year for free with zero reimbursement. WE don't have a close relationship by any stretch of the means but i adore her son so i maintain an amicable friendship so that her son can continue playing with my family. I didn't feel it necessary to tell her about me and her ex. If she asks i will gladly oblige though!
post #11 of 138
Avanti, thanks for the story. Totally awesome. Male preschool teachers are dreamy, you lucky girl....
post #12 of 138
Evolving Mama: Sounds like you've gotten some good advice here. Good luck and keep us posted. I'm hoping that as I type my issues here, I will figure some things out, as it seems you did.

Beloved K: When's the date???
Avani: Sounds great!

I feel a very long, personal post coming... apologizing in advance about the length.

Ok. I haven't posted very lately on the dating thread, so I'll try to recap briefly. I met J at Christmas time. We really clicked (best 1st date EVER!). We saw each other approx 1x/week for a while. He told me early on that he wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship because of still needing to work through issues about his marriage and divorce. I respected that. All along I haven't even been certain of what I'm ready for for the same reasons. However, we have gradually gotten more and more involved, at a pretty slow pace. We still don't often see each other more than 1x/week. We don't talk daily or anything. But we are not seeing other people. We have an amazing time together... great conversations... unbelievable sex (I truly had no idea it could be like this...)... and a very strong connection. We spend some time (not tons) with each others kids and the kids all have fun together. I guess we'd both consider ourselves to be in a relationship (whatever that means), but not at the stage where we are melding our daily lives or anything like that, if that makes any sense?

This is new to me. I've never dated much at all. I've had 2 serious relationships, one of them being my ex-husband. I've never been with someone this long outside of the context of a serious relationship. I think it's very good and healthy for me. And he has been very good and healthy for me in so many ways. However, it's also very anxiety-producing. I'm used to being more certain about where I stand and how someone feels about me. I find myself feeling great and relaxed and happy when I'm with him. It's been such a good lesson in appreciating today and now and the moment. But I've gone through phases all along where I feel very insecure and uncomfortable in between times of seeing him. Each time it's happened, I've worked through it in some way. Early on it was reminding myself that it doesn't have to be more than it is right now. Just enjoy. Don't rush things. Other times we've ended up having a talk that has helped me.

Now, I'm there again. Having a lot of insecurity. And it feels more intense than ever before. And it starts as the end of our time together is creeping up (usually when I am going to need to leave soon to get DS). And it's frustrating me. Things are fabulous. I want to just enjoy the wonderfulness. I think it's because I recognize how increasingly emotionally involved I am, how much I LOVE being with him, how important he has become to me... and therefor how much higher the stakes are getting for me, you know? Plus, I think these feelings may also be stirring up some undealt with stuff from my marriage. My ex cheated. I had a dream recently that J slept with someone else. I don't actually have any real life fear that he would do that. I trust him to be open and honest with me. We've talked a lot about all of that. But I DO have fears about what he feels, where this is going, if he likes me as much as I like him...

I don't know what to do right now. My general plan through this relationship has been to work at relaxing, trying to enjoy each moment, letting things fall and happen where they will. And it's worked out amazingly well to this point. I've told J that I'm not in a rush, I don't want him to feel rushed or pressured, that the one thing I do need is openness and honesty. He has really appreciated not being pressured into things before he feels ready. And he has become ready and initiated various things as he has... like meeting the kids... spending the night, etc.

I'm wondering if I'm getting to a point where I need a little more security about where this might be headed. OR, maybe I need to work on myself to be more at peace with the wondefulness that I have.

I don't even know exactly what I'm asking. But I'd love to hear any thoughts, advice, words of wisdom for how to deal with this insecurity and anxiety. If you do think I should talk to him, what should I be saying? I don't want him to feel pushed or pressured... and I don't know what it is that I'd be asking of him...

Sorry for this LONG ramble. This has been building up and I'm not sure I know anyone who would understand. Thank you.
post #13 of 138
Avani: That is so great. I'm so happy for you! Scorpios are very loyal as partners. Good luck and enjoy.

Anne
post #14 of 138
BelovedK - I love when synchronicty happens. Enjoy!!!

Clementine - Your situations sounds absolutely lovely! Enjoy!!!

Avani - Wow...again how synchronicity plays a hand. I am so happy for you and hope you get the relationship you know you truly want and deserve.

Robinchap1 - It might be time to ask yourself if you want more in a relationship (which likely risks losing this man) or if the man is more important than the relationship? When I start to look for something to be different in my life, I go within and ask myself why. If if feels like I'm lacking something, I know it's time for me to do some healing on myself. If it feels like I'm wanting and ready for something more, then I know it's time to end the relationship and move on to find someone in the same place as me. Your heart will tell you what you need to know and if you listen, it will steer you in the right direction. I wish you peace.
post #15 of 138
i'm not gonna stay subbed cuz i don't really want to think about dating right now. just wanted to wish BK luck on her hawt date and to tell avani i'm mad jealous of her willie nelson date. (well, not with him. that might be fun as hell, though! )

spread the lovin, ladies. just always take care of *NUMERO UNO* because y'all rock and deserve only the best.

:
post #16 of 138
good luck to those dating soon!

i´ve been divorced for a few months but found a very good friend of mine a few months ago and something happened...a beautiful feeling. now, he´s coming down to visit and we are going to the mountains for 3 days, with my son. he´s 2.5yo so it´ll be easy...i hope.
do i have to act like i do with my normal friends?
can i act affectionate or will my son get extremelly confused??

i´m happy but very nervous!!!!!!
post #17 of 138
I am not going to go into much detail, but I met him in a safe environment (he was with his family *older kids*) I felt insta-chemistry We are going to be having a leisurely dinner date soon. I just KNEW there was something about this. I will remain calm :
post #18 of 138
I am finally headed back east in about 10 days or so to meet the man I have been chatting with online and on the phone since June! : Things are looking promising and super lovely mamas!
post #19 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post
I am finally headed back east in about 10 days or so to meet the man I have been chatting with online and on the phone since June! : Things are looking promising and super lovely mamas!
::
post #20 of 138
Robinchap1,

Wow, I can relate. What to do? I'm trying to please myself and learn to turn to meditation. I'm going to find a book at the library: Conscious Loving. ANYthing has got to help! I'm starting to feel a little bit "played," TBT.
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