I'm tired of living in the land of ambivalence, in which I'm alternately wanting to end my relationship with my BF (not my sons' dad) and wanting to make it work. I think our styles are so different - he takes a very long time to do anything and rarely follows through on what he agrees to, and I need some consistency for my life. I am a teacher and have a toddler and middle schooler, a home I'm trying to sell, community. etc.....He is leaving the 2nd job in a year due to being asked to resign or be fired, due to his slowness and his employers' dissatisfaction with his follow-through. He has broken some big agreements recently (like asking me to agree to counseling and setting it up, then telling me on the day of the appointment that he'd screwed up and it was the week before -- after I'd arranged child care and to drive an hour to the appointment, made notes on what I wanted to discuss, etc.) There are so many examples like this - small and big - it's embarrassing to realize that i've put up with it! Once again, we are facing the question of, where will he live? What will he do? We are in a very rural region. And it comes down to, in his mind, that since he agreed to move nearer to me since I have a commitmebnt to stay near my older son's dad, that I am responsible for his happiness. he is constantly apologizing, saying "I'm sorry" left and right. I can anticipate when he won't come through with someone or something, and can expect him to ask me to help out with it. YUCK!!!! How did I let myself do this?????
As I write this, I am realizing that I just can't pretend to myself anymore that he is The One, that our good times will a marriage make, that I am at risk of making a big mistake by "taking on" another household member who isn't ready to be a contributing, cooperative partner. As he gets deeper into trouble with his lack of work opportunities (he is a planner, ironically!), and considering yet another life change (he wants to get a different degree, online, and take care of my baby while I work -- but it took him 3 diffferent universities and 6 years to get through school the first time -- and I have no assurance he will stick with a plan), I'm feeling more and more stuck, more obligated to "keep him on" as my baby gets more connected to him. WHY would I choose to be with someone who is SO different from me that it always feels like drudgery to be with him, while he feels relieved and happy and reaps tons of benefits to be with me/us?
So I think I need to keep it short and sweet, and not make it a topic for discussion with a counselor or even between us, and have it drag out forever as everything does with him.
While he loves my baby and me, and says he wants to get married and be a family in one household, I really doubt that he can do it and be an equal partner. If I am going to have a partner at all, I want someone who is responsible for himself and to us, as well, not just talking about it or asking me to be patient.
The sucky thing is he's a really nice guy, and he's struggling with all this, and I feel badly that breaking up with him will be a huge blow for him at this stressful time in his life. But the other part of me says that he has chosen his path, and that I don't have to be responsible for how he feels. He has been miserable in one job or another since last winter, and talks about it constantly.
So, before he breaks one more big or small agreement with me, I want to tell him that it's just not working out, that our plans for the future are not going to work for me and for my kids, and that now that he's lost another job, maybe it would be a good time to move on to a place where he won't feel stuck int he middle of nowhere. But....has anyone ever done this short and sweet?
i would appreciate some insight and suggestions! Thanks, mamas.
As I write this, I am realizing that I just can't pretend to myself anymore that he is The One, that our good times will a marriage make, that I am at risk of making a big mistake by "taking on" another household member who isn't ready to be a contributing, cooperative partner. As he gets deeper into trouble with his lack of work opportunities (he is a planner, ironically!), and considering yet another life change (he wants to get a different degree, online, and take care of my baby while I work -- but it took him 3 diffferent universities and 6 years to get through school the first time -- and I have no assurance he will stick with a plan), I'm feeling more and more stuck, more obligated to "keep him on" as my baby gets more connected to him. WHY would I choose to be with someone who is SO different from me that it always feels like drudgery to be with him, while he feels relieved and happy and reaps tons of benefits to be with me/us?
So I think I need to keep it short and sweet, and not make it a topic for discussion with a counselor or even between us, and have it drag out forever as everything does with him.
While he loves my baby and me, and says he wants to get married and be a family in one household, I really doubt that he can do it and be an equal partner. If I am going to have a partner at all, I want someone who is responsible for himself and to us, as well, not just talking about it or asking me to be patient.
The sucky thing is he's a really nice guy, and he's struggling with all this, and I feel badly that breaking up with him will be a huge blow for him at this stressful time in his life. But the other part of me says that he has chosen his path, and that I don't have to be responsible for how he feels. He has been miserable in one job or another since last winter, and talks about it constantly.
So, before he breaks one more big or small agreement with me, I want to tell him that it's just not working out, that our plans for the future are not going to work for me and for my kids, and that now that he's lost another job, maybe it would be a good time to move on to a place where he won't feel stuck int he middle of nowhere. But....has anyone ever done this short and sweet?
i would appreciate some insight and suggestions! Thanks, mamas.
: I think that about sums it up. If he tries to argue with you, just tell him it isn't up for discussion and you've already made your decision.
Good luck!
It's hard to end a relationship with someone who you really do care about but it was the best thing I ever did. I instantly felt a weight come off of me and I knew it was the best decision. Also, staying in a relationship that isn't right means you're not available for the right relationship. I've spent the last 3 weeks kicking myself for not ending it sooner because then I'd have had more time with the man of my dreams, who is finally in my life 
and to tell avani i'm mad jealous of her willie nelson date. (well, not with him. that might be fun as hell, though! 
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