September Dating Thread!!! - Page 2

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by emma_goldman

I'm going to find a book at the library: Conscious Loving. ANYthing has got to help! I'm starting to feel a little bit "played," TBT.

I was curious about this idea of Conscious Loving, so I googled it.

Did you know there is a very active discussion board that focuses primarily on relationship issues: Conscious Loving Forums?

[rainbowmoon]

Originally Posted by Holland73

I was curious about this idea of Conscious Loving, so I googled it.

Did you know there is a very active discussion board that focuses primarily on relationship issues: Conscious Loving Forums?

awesome! thanks for posting the link!

[One Art]

I never in a million years would have thought I'd even be posting a question here at this point (xh left about 7 months ago, and we've been officially divorced for 2 months), but here goes... from what I've read it sounds like a lot of you are trying to find a partner, and I'm wondering if any of you casually date, or have had experience with it, and what it was like for you... and also, what your definition of "casual" is. Thanks!

ETA: On the kid side of things, I mean "casual" as not ever introducing dcs to anyone, but I'm interested in the way you mamas might define "casual" for relationship purposes... if that makes sense.

[mimim]

I got married at 20, and it's been less than a year sine I split from my stbx.I am most definitely NOT looking for a serious relationship. I can readily define what I mean by "casual", because the guy I'm going out with this weekend really wanted to know, so he got me to define it.

I'm looking for someone who I get along with and have things in common with, but is not going to pressure me for exclusivity or commitments. He won't meet my kids, or spend holidays with me, etc. We won't spend all of our spare time together.

Now, if I can pull that off without getting too attached, I'll be really proud of myself I've been on a bunch of 1st and 2nd dates lately. None of them have been terrible, but none of them are going anywhere much.

I've got seriously high hopes for the person I'm seeing this weekend, though. We've done a lot of IMing and he's really funny and smart and I get along with him great in the virtual world. I'm really nervous that I won't like him in person.

For anyone who remembers my drama from last month with the guy who seemed interested but didn't call: I did send him an email and he responded after less than 2 hours. Promising right? So I wrote him again around a day and a half later. It's been a couple of days and I haven't heard back this time. So, I'm definitely moving on. Kind of disappointing, but it goes with the territory.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by One Art

I never in a million years would have thought I'd even be posting a question here at this point (xh left about 7 months ago, and we've been officially divorced for 2 months), but here goes... from what I've read it sounds like a lot of you are trying to find a partner, and I'm wondering if any of you casually date, or have had experience with it, and what it was like for you... and also, what your definition of "casual" is. Thanks!

ETA: On the kid side of things, I mean "casual" as not ever introducing dcs to anyone, but I'm interested in the way you mamas might define "casual" for relationship purposes... if that makes sense.

Casual for me would be no committments, very little integration into my everyday life and just out to have some fun without any strings attached.

I casually dated for most of my 20s (I am about to turn 35 in 5 days! ). At that time in my life, it was perfect as I was too selfish and self-involved to give much to another person.

I think because I have btdt with casual dating, I could never go back to such relationships again. I do look back in fondness of that time in my life... I did have a great time and met a lot of amazing people!

But, I am at a different place now. I love my life, am wonderfully happy and I want to be able to share that life and happiness with someone special.

Additionally, casual dating is, in a way, like leading two lives when you have children. I barely have time for the amazing one life I have now.

[EvolvingMama]

Break up process: Update

This is such a great place for support! It's so meaningful to me to have you mamas out there, when I am pretty much on my own as a single mama out here in the boonies. My partnered friends and non-mama friends don't quite get it.

I appreciate your suggestions, everyone who answered my post re: breaking up. He is still away until tomorrow and I still have his dog. Now my older son has started his week with my babe and me, so it's the 3 of us and I am really ready to be done with this relationship. So this is what I have done:

• consolidated his stuff to return to him
• sent him an email (since his phone isn't working but he is checking his emails while out of town) saying that I have been doing alot of thinking about our relationship as things have not been going well, and that after he comes to pick up his dog, I need a couple of weeks' break from our relationship to think about what I want to do. I don't want to just drop him cold turkey, in the hopes that (as Clementine said) he can have the chance to save a little face and still be a friend, if he chooses. I suggested a day to get together and talk.

When we do have conversations about what's going on, I will let him know that it just isn't working out for my kids and me, and that I think our differences are too great to make for a happy life together. I dont' want to have to explain anymore than that; I'm done arguing, and will tell him so when he complains and tries to guilt me into staying together for his sake, because he is in such a tough place right now.

it will be difficult not to feel sorry for him and agree to help him out with his move, figuring out what's next for him, etc....and he will probably be mad at me for creating his misery, but I will strive to just focus on my sons, my work, and my own needs. And then take a good long while to come back to some equilibrium before I even CONSIDER dating again!

Thanks for your support, and congrats to all of you who are dating and having fun! It's inspiring!

[One Art]

Thanks mimim and Holland.... mimim, I'm kind of like you in that I met xh at 20 and then ended up marrying him and having two dds... so there wasn't a whole lot of casual dating, and I'm not in a place to be serious either. Also, I'm still in my twenties! And Holland, it's funny that you should say that about leading two lives, because in a way I am partially interested in contemplating casual dating as a way to do just that - well, kind of... more like one life and a sliver of another (the dating), because no, I don't have time for two different lives either. The thought of being able to go out and just have fun with no comittment to anything long-term sounds so refreshing and nice, especially if I am childless for a few hours and can just stop thinking about laundry and schedules, and enjoy another person's company, kwim? Anyway, it is not something I was, or will be actively seeking, but an opportunity may be presenting itself, unsolicited, and I'm trying to figure out what would be right for me.... I would love to hear more from you mamas about your perspectives and/or experience with casual dating... and also, what level of physical intimacy might go with the territory. Thanks!

[Bad Mama Jama]

Well, the dating scene has been fairly quiet for me. I've been going out with a guy who I have considered to be one of my best friend since I was 8 years old and that has been pretty nice. It's nice to go out and hang out once and again without a ton of pressure.

We treat each other well and respectfully and I like his attitude about things in general. We are both single parents, so we are understanding of child care needs and it has been really nice.

[rainbowmoon]

I can't imagine at this time in my life keeping dating separate from kids. Hell, my kids have been on every single one of my dates WITH me! though my dates have been definitely defined as casual. I didn't have kids until I was nearly 30 though so I have done alot of the "having fun" thing in my 20's.

[Bad Mama Jama]

It feels nice to keep it breezy. Thing is, as I am aging, I want someone to travel with, to share my dreams with and all that stuff. But I am not counting on any one person in particular. If something does shake out, that would be a nice surprise, but I'm banking on being alone.

By the by, I say aging like I'm 100, I haven't even hit 30!

[Still_Snarky]

busy thread this month! i'll read through and respond when have have a free moment. yeah, that's rare.

anyway, our big news this month is that d is moving in 'officially.' in other words his lease is up and he won't have to go up to his place to check the mail anymore. he's basically been living here and continuing to pay rent at his place; now he'll be contributing in a more formal way (which i think is appropriate at this stage in the game). somehow it's been almost a year since we started seeing each other which boggles my mind. you know, we passed that hormone driven first 8 months and now we're living like a family. a crazy busy, three kid, two business owning family. holy cow.

[BelovedK]

Update!!

I have just gotta say that I am sick of being disappointed with these men. I am a nice person, and fine without a mate, really. I would like to have someone to share life's experiences with though. I feel like Charlie Brown with the football (am I dating myself? )

I have stopped hearing from this guy. I was careful about what I said on here because it is searchable by google, and my match name is (stupidly) the same as my username here (I have changed it) I just have always been virtually BelovedK.

Normally I would roll with it if I didn't hear from someone, but I went on match to change my name, and saw that he had been active hours before. That is fine, he has been through some rough stuff and I wish him well, and it is not like I was attached to him, and I am no psycho-stalker so I will leave him alone (I have never called him except called him back once) he has called me.

I think I have figured out a possible scenario (maybe I am being paranoid, but it would explain a few scenarios in the past) Someone would punch BelovedK into Google, and find even just one of my posts here and have access to ALL of them. I don't say things I am ashamed of, but I do not really want potential men reading my personal posts. They would also have my myspace at theit fingertips, and when I blog there, it is usually when I am not my best. I write out tough feelings.

This is a lesson in being careful on the web. I am not changing my myspace. I did change my username there (on match) though.

It pisses me off that someone would Google me, though I really don't blame anyone with kids searching info on potential people that they are bringing into their lives.

No fault, I am just going through my feelings.

Maybe I should go blog on myspace

[rainbowmoon]

Kelly

I google everyone I am interested in. as well as friends and family members at random. good thing i use a different username than here than most the time (but I'm still searchable back to here if someone looks hard enough)

don't be ashamed! You are a WONDERFUL kind and a thoughtful & loving person. the right man just needs to come along. and he will! : it is THeir problem NOT yours! just try to stay in good space and don't be so hard on yourself. though I know how depressing the dating thing can get. what is wrong with these men!?!

btw I totally recommend www.greensingles.com I seemed to only attract freaks off yahoo and match myself!

[MsChatsAlot]

Beloved...:

[emma_goldman]

It's great that we can love each other. This is tough stuff!

I wanted to share that I've been "romancing" myself: you know that energy you get when you are in loved and love in return? I am creating that for myself. I've been doing lots of things I love and I've been really gentle and sweet with myself! I'm also enjoying the creative energy one feels when in love...

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by emma_goldman

It's great that we can love each other. This is tough stuff!

I wanted to share that I've been "romancing" myself: you know that energy you get when you are in loved and love in return? I am creating that for myself. I've been doing lots of things I love and I've been really gentle and sweet with myself! I'm also enjoying the creative energy one feels when in love...

I like that, Emma
Thanks for the reminder. I am actually a mess today, my birthday is next week, and I am getting older and am still alone. I am feeling very upset and self pitying

My closest friend is out with his honey and I told him I REALLY needed to talk, he said he doubts it, but he will try. I wish there were single girlfriends around me that could come over and have wine and ice cream alas, all of my friends are in relationships except one that I can think of, no WAIT!!! I just thought of a veery good friend, I may call her now!! (she WAS married so I forget)

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by emma_goldman

It's great that we can love each other. This is tough stuff!

I wanted to share that I've been "romancing" myself: you know that energy you get when you are in loved and love in return? I am creating that for myself. I've been doing lots of things I love and I've been really gentle and sweet with myself! I'm also enjoying the creative energy one feels when in love...

I like that, Emma
Thanks for the reminder. I am actually a mess today, my birthday is next week, and I am getting older and am still alone. I am feeling very upset and self pitying

My closest friend is out with his honey and I told him I REALLY needed to talk, he said he doubts it, but he will try. I wish there were single girlfriends around me that could come over and have wine and ice cream alas, all of my friends are in relationships except one that I can think of, no WAIT!!! I just thought of a veery good friend, I may call her now!! (she WAS married so I forget)

[BelovedK]

Oh, I almost forgot, Hanna (the storm) is passing through my city tonight, so it feels all snuggly and cozy in my house, I just wish that anyone would be here (the DC are with XH)

[Avani]

I hope the night passes peacefully Beloved!

Things are amazing with me and the man i am seeing. I never realized it could ever be like this. Where everything fits so perfectly on every level. You know they feel the same way and you don't need to question it. He is amazing and i am enjoying this for everything it is! I had dared to hope this was possible for me and i am so blissful in knowing it is here and so very possible!

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by emma_goldman

It's great that we can love each other. This is tough stuff!

I wanted to share that I've been "romancing" myself: you know that energy you get when you are in loved and love in return? I am creating that for myself. I've been doing lots of things I love and I've been really gentle and sweet with myself! I'm also enjoying the creative energy one feels when in love...

When I gave myself all the love and happiness I needed, I found that what my bf gave me was always enough and often more than I could have expected. It was always enough, or moreso, because it was an addition to a happiness/love I had already created, and maintained, myself.

I love these 2 quotes and use them as a mantra when I start to feel particularly needy, sad or unhappy:

Look not for refuge to anyone beside yourself. ~ Buddha

"Contentment needs to come from within ourselves, so we can't expect our partner to be an enduring source of happiness."

It is hard stuff. Yay for your being able to "romance" yourself, you and every woman deserves it!