Who are you telling and when...

[blueRhino]

Hi Ladies,

I was wondering what people's thoughts are about telling people. I know people have all sorts of ideas about this and I am unsure myself what I think so I thought it would make for a interesting discussion.

I really don't feel ready to tell anyone just yet. If the situation were different, I would wait a few weeks I think before telling my family. Maybe at least until I start feeling pregnant or something. But I see my parents only about once a year ( I live on the other side of the country) and I am going home tomorrow. So, I feel like I have to tell them in person since I have the chance.

As far as the rest of the world goes, I know current convention is wait out the first trimester due to risk of miscarriage. I'm thinking I might not do that. I hardly told anyone I was TTC, but then when I struggled with it I felt I had no one to talk to about it and it was very isolating. My gut feeling is if I were to have a m/c, I wouldn't want to have to be secretive about it. I've been secretive enough in the last year. I may wait a little bit, but 12 weeks seems to long. I don't know for sure....

[itsang]

we're already telling people; i'm too excited not to. our parents know & a few of our friends. i'm not telling my work for quite some time, though.

[MotherMama]

My experience is a little different than what other people often say, but our last pregnancy was a loss at 14 weeks. We hadn't told anyone yet just because we live far from our families and friends so we were going to try and surprise them with a big preggie belly when I saw them again. Well then we lost the baby and it was devastating. No one knew about the baby and we did tell our parents at that point but a week later it was like the baby never exsisted because they didn't know about it until it was over. There was no excitement of telling people, only telling a very sad reality. I hated it. I felt awful I didn't get to share the joy of that short pregnancy with anyone but DH.
This time is different. We have told our parents, my DH told his boss to allow for time off from his travel schedule later in the pregnancy, a few close friends know. I know many people say wait, but I see no reason to do so. I want people to know, be excited for us, and celebrate this life! :

[mamasurprised]

we have decided to wait a few weeks to tell the parents.
i told my best friend yesterday...he has a one year old and just gave me an EVIL laugh you know the one " you have NO idea what you're in for!!" LOLOL

BF and I are just letting reality set in a little first and then we'll share with the family.
I know that i'm enjoying this bit of time to ourselves to be happy and not overwhelmed with our two HUGE families and all the excitement that is going to ensue.

[Matilda_z]

I told my whole family on 10DPO when I tested +.

Since our son died I feel like they've all been with me on the TTC rollercoaster. It instantly made everyone feel relieved and happy.

[RomanGoddess]

My general philosophy is as follows: If I would tell someone that I had a miscarriage, then I will tell the person that I am pregnant. For example, I would definitely tell my mother if I suffered a miscarriage; therefore, I have already told her that I am pregnant.

On the other hand, if I would not tell the person about a miscarriage, then I don't say anything about the pregnancy until it becomes obvious.

My DH would like to keep everything hush hush until the second trimester but I find that impossible.

[kangaroomum25]

I haven't told anybody IRL and probably won't for as long as I can This is number 4 for us, so we're already going over our "limit" I'm also planning a UC and the less time people have to ask questions seems like a good thing to me. I'm enjoying it being a secret right now (haven't even told dh yet) I don't think there's anything wrong with telling people right away, I just don't want to.

[zejh]

I'm wavering on when to tell my parents... I'll be seeing them next weekend, but it's for my cousin's wedding celebration, and since my wedding was just a month and a half ago, I certainly don't want it to be general knowledge just yet. I might tell my parents right before we leave, I'm not sure--they'll be heading off to Europe for 2 weeks, and the next time I'd see them wouldn't be till October... So, yeah, I suppose I ought to tell them this weekend.

My husband, on the other hand, got updated continuously with how many days late I was, and I was the one who sent him for the home test...

As for our friends, we've been keeping quiet. We'll see how long that lasts. (At least we hadn't yet actually tested when friends of ours with a 20-month-old saying they hoped our visit wouldn't convince us not to "provide him with a playmate"...)

(update) So, soon after writing this, dh informs me that while he was helping a friend of ours move yesterday, she was getting rather upset and overwhelmed with the situation at one point, and so he hinted, with the promise of her not telling anyone else, about why I wasn't helping, too. She caught on quick, apparently, and was quite happy for us. This was someone I'd told about our plans to start trying right away after the wedding, so I don't mind that she knows. (It was also someone involved in the wedding, too, so in the close friend category, not just any random person in the social circle)

[pleasantlyfurious]

I've been obsessing about this question - in fact, DP and I made a spreadsheet dividing people into 5 tiers - it didn't seem that dorky until I just typed that. I know, I know, it's out of control.

Basically what we decided was:

Tier 1 - Me, DP, and my sister (tell immediately)

Tier 2 - Immediate family - parents and siblings (tell as soon as we can lure them back the US so that we can break the news in person - hopefully 8-10 weeks)

Tier 3 - family and friends we want to make sure hear it from us directly and also work (12 weeks)

Tier 4 - All friends, neighbors, etc. (as opportunity arises)

Tier 5 - post on our blog and networking sites.

I want to shout it from the rooftops, but we agreed the above make the most sense for us.

[evening start]

Well DH wants to wait to make sure its "real". He has some idea that there are LOTS of false positives on HPTs (I've never heard that), or that something might happen early on and he would rather not have people know. I would be telling everyone as soon as I could otherwise. I'm a little concerned, because if something does happen (knock on wood here), then there are people who I would want to know for support. So I have agreed to wait for a little while, but I definitely won't make it through the whole first trimester. I imagine if all goes well, we will start telling people at the end of September/early October. DH's b-day is on October 6th, so that might be a logical time to tell his parents. My mom lives about 5 hours away, so we either have to wait for a convenient weekend to drive down and tell her, or do it over the phone. I can't decide which would be better.

[fairydoula]

Originally Posted by kangaroomum25

I haven't told anybody IRL and probably won't for as long as I can This is number 4 for us, so we're already going over our "limit" I'm also planning a UC and the less time people have to ask questions seems like a good thing to me. I'm enjoying it being a secret right now (haven't even told dh yet) I don't think there's anything wrong with telling people right away, I just don't want to.

I'm with you. with #4 we were quiet about it for as long as possible, though I had to explain to my karate instructor why I couldn't spar and such, so she knew earlier.
We're on #5 now and I'm not saying JACK to anyone! LOL. This is the only place I've vented at all. NO one knows yet, not even DH. I just don't want to hear about it... people say the rudest things, like "AGAIN???" and "You know what causes that, don't you (leer)?" and other non-pleasurable comments about big families, the cost of groceries, the cost of everything... as if I suddenly asked THEM for money?!?!!
I MC in May, so I'm just waiting to see if this is "for real" before I tell DH, he is not excited to have more... he thinks 4 is more than enough!
I'm having lots of normal-for-me symptoms, though, so I think this will stick. I'm exhausted and I am a touch nauseated, I can smell EVERYTHING within a 5 mile radius and I definitely have already felt round ligament pains and feel the fullness in my lower belly, behind my bladder.

I think it's so different when you're expecting your first or second, lots more people are happier for you, usually. I wish I had a more supportive family, but they are just not that way, and not that crunchy, so they tend to see all the problems and issues before the JOY of having another sweet baby!

But even if this were #1 or #2 I'd still wait a while before I told anyone. I like having the secret to myself for a while. My own special secret tiny poppyseed baby! LOL.

Anyone else shopping for maternity clothes yet?
- Jen

[maya's mommy]

Originally Posted by fairydoula

Anyone else shopping for maternity clothes yet?
- Jen

I am not shopping but I took out the maternity clothes out of storage and washed a load already. I was going to try them on to get an idea of what I need.

As for telling people...I tell the people that I would need to share whatever happens with this pregnancy with. This includes our siblings, my aunt and some close friends. The news hit us hard and since they had no idea why it was uncomfortable.

[bellee]

I've told all my internet friends and IRL friends via facebook

Told my mom today and she thinks were nuts I'll tell my dad someday soon I guess, I think he'll be happy and I'm making my hub tell my ILs because they are going to think we are nuts in a non joking way.

I figure, even though it's early and this doesn't stick, I'm going to need all the emotional support I can get.

[Stevi]

I've told all of my Internet friends, but only 3 people in real life.
I'd like to hold off telling people at work and family until I am sure everything is okay. I was thinking Christmas, but I don't know if I can hold out that long.

[burm_keep]

I just happen to be on vacation visiting my extended family (parents, in law family, sister, brothers, etc..). I told them in person but stressed how early it was... anything could happen. I couldn't see going home and then calling them up to tell them at a later time

[Max'sMama]

Originally Posted by blueRhino

As far as the rest of the world goes, I know current convention is wait out the first trimester due to risk of miscarriage. I'm thinking I might not do that. I hardly told anyone I was TTC, but then when I struggled with it I felt I had no one to talk to about it and it was very isolating. My gut feeling is if I were to have a m/c, I wouldn't want to have to be secretive about it. I've been secretive enough in the last year. I may wait a little bit, but 12 weeks seems to long. I don't know for sure....

I am planning to wait till the 12 week mark! I know, I know, online.....people know, it's public knowlege, but a board like this I feel should be pretty insular, pretty insulated. I cannot see why anyone not currently trying to become pregnant or currently pregnant would be here reading so, I think I am pretty safe, "announcing" here. Then I can figure out a way to tell all my friends that would be awesome at 12 weeks!

I want to wait so that if I do lose the pregnancy I am not fielding questions for weeks from acquaintances.

[mamaw/two]

We have told my siblings and our parents, I can't keep such good news a secret!! It is true though, that everyone is much more excited when it's the first or second child. I will probably tell friends as I see them and aquaintences will know when I get into maternity clothes (which at this rate won't be much longer!).

[Mei Mei]

Maybe I am crazy, but no one except my partner and I will know until second trimester. Same will go for sex and the name of the baby (both secret from the world until birth!) Or so I will try to do, anyway.

[lemurmommies]

So far we've told my parents and my godmother, as well as some close friends who knew that our known donor was in town and what he was here for. We're ready to tell DP's parents too, but they're never home when we call!

For the rest of the world, we'll likely wait until about 10 weeks.

[lotus.blossom]

I told everyone as soon as I got a positive. I had wanted to wait a few days till my moms birthday party but of course DH and I spilled the beans. My huge family is very close and very nosy and there are 2 other mamas-2-be in the family right now so I just couldn't wait to spread the news. Last pregnancy I lived in another state and didn't see anyone in my family so this time I look forward to all the love and support.

I told the postman this morning. I didn't mean to but I was at the PO sending a book to a friend and while I looked for an envalope my son gave the book the the postman he read the title out loud "Lose Your Mummy Tummy" and I laughed and said, well I lost it so I'm sending this to a friend but I'm growing another one soon. Then I felt embaressed. But he is very friendly and its a small town. He'd figure it out soon anyway!!