Help! My DD doesn't listen to the teachers!

[loriedna]

Hi. I need some advice on how I could deal with this. Today was our first day in school. Only an hour and a half. The main teacher kept DD until all the other children left and she told me that all the three teachers in the class had trouble making her listen to them. She doesn't follow instructions.
She told me to not allow her to say "no" to me at home.

I don't know. I feel horrible right now, like a failure at parenting. DD is very energetic and extremely sociable, but I wouldn't say she is spoiled and gets everything her way. It is not like that in our house. It is true that she is opinionated and she seems happy only when she's involved in activities with somebody (not alone). It takes a lot of effort and patience to make her understand and listen to us.

What should I do? I know she loves school and she wants badly to be around other children as much as possible. I have told her that she won't be allowed in school if she doesn't listen to the teachers. What else can I do? Is it possible that she simply is not fit for Montessori? They did an interview with her a month ago and said she is perfect fit and she'll do very well. It's been just a day now, and it looks like she'll be kicked out of school. Please, give me some advice. Thank you.

[Anandamama]

That's silly! The teachers don't know what your child is like after 1.5 hours! And your child probably just needs to get used to them. I know that some children, with a new adult, just kind of look right through that adult until they become a more regular part of their lives. I'll bet your DD will be fine.

If you want, you could do some playing school at home. You could take turns being teacher and student and practice things like "come over here". "Wait there", "wait your turn", etc. You could play games like "mother may I", or "Simon says", which are really all about learning to follow instructions.

But IMO, it's the teacher's job to figure out how to communicate with the children effectively and to "seduce" the children into wanting to participate fully in classroom life.

[Rose-Roget]

Originally Posted by Anandamama

But IMO, it's the teacher's job to figure out how to communicate with the children effectively and to "seduce" the children into wanting to participate fully in classroom life.

I completely agree. First of all, your dd is still young, and that's how many 2.5 yo children are! This is a challenging age, and it takes a lot of patience, diligence, and creativity.

A teacher should be able to engage the children and teach them how to listen. You can only work with the school, and they should have some creative tricks up their sleeves. Also, with your daughter being so socially motivated, maybe she'll see how the other kids listen and follow directions well and she'll want to practice too. ??

The idea of playing listening games is good. "Red light, Green light" could be another good one. Maybe as someone is cooking or doing work around the house, throw out some directions for her to follow and help out (maybe some of them could have positive natural consequences, so she can see that sometimes when she follows directions, there are good things to come! I can't think of an example right now - maybe something with cooking?), and always thank her when she follows directions.

I would hope that they would not be kicking her out quite so readily. Keep open communication and work together. Hopefully, if they feel the families are working toward common goals, then they will happily help your daughter develop those necessary listening skills, without breaking her spirit. Good luck.

[loriedna]

Thank you for being so encouraging. I am freaking out. I want her to do well, because she loves it. I keep thinking if I am one of those parents who find it impossible to see any fault in their children. I honestly think the teacher is over-reacting and she put me in a very bad position. My child is not very easy to work with, but honestly, at home she follows instructions very well. I already let her help me with food - she adds the salt every time I cook. I think she might have been very excited for the first day in school and that is why they couldn't make her listen.

Also, with your daughter being so socially motivated, maybe she'll see how the other kids listen and follow directions well and she'll want to practice too. ??

- She always wants to do what other children do. I simply cannot understand how she wouldn't try to imitate other children! Maybe it was just the first day and the excitement of it all.

If you want, you could do some playing school at home. You could take turns being teacher and student and practice things like "come over here". "Wait there", "wait your turn", etc. You could play games like "mother may I", or "Simon says", which are really all about learning to follow instructions.

- I will try that.

I am afraid that I already dislike this teacher, though. What is happening to me? I am not usually like this. I do not defend my DD against all odds. I don't think I spoil her or I am over-protective. I was really thinking that school will go smoothly and I won't need to interfere much. This is so upsetting. I guess it is just a very emotional time for both of us.

[Koloe]

I think it's kind of sad they are making this comment after only 1.5 hours as well. I'm in agreement with the other posters. If the subject is broached at school again, I would mention that she listens to directions just fine and home and ask what they are saying "no" to her about. Perhaps they could find some different terms to redirect your DD into more appropriate activities. Or see if they have anything she could work with another child on.

[heatherweh]

Originally Posted by loriedna

I am afraid that I already dislike this teacher, though. What is happening to me? I am not usually like this. I do not defend my DD against all odds. I don't think I spoil her or I am over-protective. I was really thinking that school will go smoothly and I won't need to interfere much. This is so upsetting. I guess it is just a very emotional time for both of us.

I understand, but I am probably all of the things you mentioned. Is there any way you could observe a class to see what is going on?

[maybemom05]

Your post is actually making me feel better - today was the first day of school here, and I got a similiar report. The teacher commented that my little guy was "hyper". (He's close in age to your kiddo, Nov 05)

This was news to me - he's not a "hyper" kid, he's actually pretty reserved normally. I've been stewing about this report since I picked him up today.

The teacher didn't have time to give me any details - which, frankly, I find annoying. If you're going to give a negative report, then take the time to fill me in. However, I have a thought about what might have happened, and I wonder if your kiddo had the same experience:

In the beginning of the year, a lot of time is spent on "grace and courtesy" and getting the kids familiar with the environment. In the case of our classroom, that means that the teacher didn't give the kids any time with any of the materials today (not sure what they DID do - she didn't have time to relay that either). What I'm guessing happened is that the teacher spent a good deal of time talking, while my little guy spent a good deal of time trying to get his hands on all the cool new materials (that are displayed right at his eye level) and she got annoyed that he wasn't paying attention to her.

I'm going to see how tomorrow goes and then ask for a conference with the teacher and the director.

Anyway, I'm sorry to take over with my own story - but hopefully it makes you feel better to know that someone else's 2yo had a rough Montessori first day!!

[Sierra]

I don't think what happened is okay, for all the other points folks have already mentioned. I also think it is really important that children can say "no" at home. It is an important step toward being able to question authority enough to question if an authority figure/trusted adult ever tries to, for example, molest them. I do not tolerate disrespect, I am not a pushover in my home. But my kids can say a polite "no, thank you." Any educator who doesn't get that is not the person to be educating my children.

[MattBronsil]

Originally Posted by loriedna

Hi. I need some advice on how I could deal with this. Today was our first day in school. Only an hour and a half. The main teacher kept DD until all the other children left and she told me that all the three teachers in the class had trouble making her listen to them. She doesn't follow instructions.
She told me to not allow her to say "no" to me at home.

This part popped out at me the most. I'm accounting for the fact that this may have been typed out of context, but what a terrible suggestion for them to give.

A child should be able to say, "No." It's a word that means a lot to a child. It's a word of empowerment. It is a word that helps the child establish boundaries. The message that you send by teaching a child they cannot say "no" to you is a very dangerous one. What happens when her boundaries are invaded by other people in her life and she has been told to say no? Are we going to teach her to never say "no" to your parental authority then expect her to say "no" to her social group when the teenage years come?

"No" should be handled by giving the power back to the child. Letting them know you understand what they disagree with, but that there are still certain rules. My mom tells a story all the time of a student who spilled water on the floor. She was showing him where the mop was and he was angry...screaming, "No" and refusing to clean up. Finally, my mom said to him, "You may say 'no' to me (giving him the power), but you have to say, 'yes' to the mop. (Establishing boundaries)." The child started mopping up the floor, angrily saying, "No, Beth! No, Beth! No, Beth!...."

There are ways to handle discipline if a child is going really against what you're saying, but taking away their voice to object is not the best way.

I don't know. I feel horrible right now, like a failure at parenting. DD is very energetic and extremely sociable, but I wouldn't say she is spoiled and gets everything her way. It is not like that in our house. It is true that she is opinionated and she seems happy only when she's involved in activities with somebody (not alone). It takes a lot of effort and patience to make her understand and listen to us.

Those things - working alone, understanding boundaries, etc. etc. etc. happen over time. I have NEVER heard of anyone expecting ANY child to be normalized (fancy Montessori term for when the child has that focus and work cycle internalized) after an hour and a half of the first day. We're sometimes talking a couple of months before the whole classroom is normalized.

What should I do? I know she loves school and she wants badly to be around other children as much as possible. I have told her that she won't be allowed in school if she doesn't listen to the teachers.

Be careful with that route a little bit. You don't want her fearing school, either.
I would find out from the teachers what, exactly, the problems were. If they have an observation room, observe and see what you notice.

What else can I do? Is it possible that she simply is not fit for Montessori?

It sounds like she IS a perfect fit; based off what you said.
It's hard to say what really happened based off this. "Not listening" is very vague and saying, "No" is common.

They did an interview with her a month ago and said she is perfect fit and she'll do very well. It's been just a day now, and it looks like she'll be kicked out of school. Please, give me some advice. Thank you.

Are they talking about or hinting that she might be kicked out?

Matt

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by MattBronsil

This part popped out at me the most. I'm accounting for the fact that this may have been typed out of context, but what a terrible suggestion for them to give.

A child should be able to say, "No." It's a word that means a lot to a child. It's a word of empowerment. It is a word that helps the child establish boundaries. The message that you send by teaching a child they cannot say "no" to you is a very dangerous one. What happens when her boundaries are invaded by other people in her life and she has been told to say no? Are we going to teach her to never say "no" to your parental authority then expect her to say "no" to her social group when the teenage years come?

Thank you for saying what I was trying to say, but in a much more elequent manner.

[MattBronsil]

Originally Posted by Sierra

Thank you for saying what I was trying to say, but in a much more elequent manner.

I actually replied before reading your reply and think your reply was well written, too :-)

Matt

[loriedna]

Wow! I haven't even given a second thought to the "not saying 'no'" issue. That was actually the only advice she gave me. She told me that she doesn't know how I could help them, then she came up with the idea that I should not allow the "no". Actually, I am now having a really tough time with my DH because of this. He thinks the teacher is right, I give DD too much freedom and I should impose my will more adamantly. Which I think I do, but not in a forcing manner. I always try to explain to her, to show her the alternatives (which are not good usually), to give her some sort of control too, over the situation, or at least the impression. I am not saying she is the most disciplined child. What I am saying is that I have been surprised many times by how mature and understanding she can be compared to her play friends. In a fight over a toy, for example, she is almost always the first child to give in.

My DH also thinks that now I make it too much about myself. About how I am feeling like an inadequate parent.

I was also thinking that one of the Montessori goals is to create independent, self-relying individuals, isn't that true? Well, my DD is a very independent child, who can do lots of things by herself, who is not afraid of the new environment, etc. They should not try to break that but redirect it to help her concentrate on whatever activities she is supposed to do, right? They cannot expect to deal only with obedient children. I cannot imagine that the teacher has never met a child like mine and is not able to deal with her. She seemed so puzzled on what to do next, as all the three teachers in the room had trouble with DD.

Those things - working alone, understanding boundaries, etc. etc. etc. happen over time. I have NEVER heard of anyone expecting ANY child to be normalized (fancy Montessori term for when the child has that focus and work cycle internalized) after an hour and a half of the first day. We're sometimes talking a couple of months before the whole classroom is normalized.

- Right? This is what I want to hear.

But no, she never even hinted at kicking her out of school. That was just my fear, that's all. One thing that I found surprising in the way the teacher approached the problem with me is that she was not encouraging at all. That's why I started to fear that they might give up on DD. She told me "we have a problem, she is not listening to anybody, I don't know how you could help me...". She never said "I am just reporting to you what is happening, but don't worry, we'll work it out, it will be fine, she will adjust after a while". Whenever I would ask any questions before enrollment, whenever I expressed concerns about my DD being very energetic and very sociable, they always seemed confident - all the children learn how to behave, we have ways of making them understand, there shouldn't be any problem, there has never been. Is my DD so much out of norm? Ok, I am making it about myself. She made me feel like a bad mother. There were children screaming their heads off when they were left in school. My DD went happily and eagerly inside. The other parents got encouraging reports "in half an hour the children were fine", and what do I get? I am also a parent new at this and I also need some encouragement.

In the beginning of the year, a lot of time is spent on "grace and courtesy" and getting the kids familiar with the environment. In the case of our classroom, that means that the teacher didn't give the kids any time with any of the materials today (not sure what they DID do - she didn't have time to relay that either). What I'm guessing happened is that the teacher spent a good deal of time talking, while my little guy spent a good deal of time trying to get his hands on all the cool new materials (that are displayed right at his eye level) and she got annoyed that he wasn't paying attention to her.

That sounds like something that might have happened in our case too.

Also, the big children, who are supposed to help the small ones in the room, where not there today. The first two days they separate the new children from the old ones. I am sure DD with do much better following older children. She has never before refused to do something an older child told her to do. Maybe when they all come together it will be better.

Is there any way you could observe a class to see what is going on?

- I'll ask to be allowed to observe so that I really can help out and understand what is going on.

maybemom05, I am sorry you are going through this too. I hope they do better in the next few days.