Hey I checked out your blog it really seems like you haven't had good luck with the medical establishment. Are there any options in your area (better ped's, nurse midwives, homebirth mw's, better OB's, birth centers)? If not can you work out any creative solutions to reach beyond what seem like the limits (realistically UCing, temporarily moving)? Besides healing from the past you have the right to demand supportive, respectful care now from the people you pay to help you, in order to look forward to a better future.
In my training for birth education I was to write my birth story using a 5 step model that might help you process. 1. Identify your main goals going in and describe in bare detail the events that occured, 2. describe your feelings from throughout, 3. look at your actions and choices going along and evaluate them honestly based on what you knew and felt then, 4. identify the things you learned from it, and 5. apply what you learned to the future.
You could do that stuff in your head but written or maybe in drawing it's a great process and release, and educational in itself.
Having this baby is VERY scary to me.
