Please tell me i'm not mean

[JamieB]

Because I feel like I was kinda mean to someone today, but really she was the one who was mean to her baby boy. Why do I have to be so hard on myself? Anyway, this is how my conversation with a mom from a playgroup went.

me "it's amazing what they want to do to babies without freezing" (talking about the doc wanting me to have DS's tongue clipped)

j"that's like circumcision"

me"what? circumcision doesn't hurt"

she looked at me like I was nuts and then my friend explained that I was being sarcastic so she says

"well we had C done (she said it almost like you would say, "sometimes I use the tv as a babysitter even though I know I shouldn't) and when we went to the clinic there were so many babies just screaming. It was horrible how badly they were screaming and I changed my mind but my husband talked me back into it" And then, like some big dramatic thing,"he only cried for like three minutes" like I was supposed to be impressed.

So this is where I feel I got a little mean. I said I wouldn't want my son to cry for any amount of time. There's NO WAY we were doing that!

And now I feel kinda bad. I think I made her feel bad because she got really quiet. I also sorta stopped talking to her after that and that was mean too. But she basically said that they didn't use any freezing and that she KNEW it was gonna hurt but that was ok. How is that ok? Grrrrr And she pregnant right now with another boy

[veronicalynne]

kind of off topic.........they didnt use ANY freezing??? OMG

you know.....from her reaction it sounds like deep down she might be regretting and was trying to reassure herself........not mean but like a pp said......thoughtless. Personally, i would apologize to her and then maybe teach her about circumcism.....she is having a second son right?

[mamatoady]

thoughtless might be a better word.

I refuse REFUSE to get into circ discussion with women who have already done the deed. This is simply because I know that everything and anything I would have to say would be taken as an attack and I'd rather keep my friends or possible friends. If I didn't care how people would react, my mouth would go waaaaaaay too far.

Let it go...if it bother's you and you want to appologize for coming across as mean, then go for it--maybe you could get into a better discussion with more facts and less blame and assumption.

sarah

[tammyswanson]

It's not like you got in her face, screaming and told her she was a horrible person for letting them do that to her baby.
She waffled and her poor little boy suffered for it.
I can't feel much sympathy to anyone who would let someone circ their child. She ignored her gut instinct that said it was wrong..and that's really sad. Hopefully she won't ignore it a second time.

There is some distinction between women who don't know what they do during circ and those women who are given the facts and still let it go on anyway.

Just because her baby only cried for a few minutes means nothing..the poor little thing probably went into shock! I remember reading war accounts during the Napoleonic wars, where soldiers were walking around with their arms blown off, not acting like they felt anything at all.

Hopefully by you saying something, maybe the second time she'll get some guts and refuse it for her second baby. You can always hope!

In my opinion, you weren't really mean or anything. Just passionate about how screwed up circ is!

[Quirky]

I would def. talk to her again. SO many women get bullied by their dhs into circing their boys against their instincts....and if the doctors and their families are pressuring them to circ, and they haven't found good anti-circ info online, then often they cave because they don't have the support and info they need to stand up to the bullying.

Think of this poor mama as the victim. She tried to save her ds, but she got rolled. If you alienate her and make her feel attacked, this baby is going to go under the knife too. If you can try to reach out to her and help her understand how she and her dh were misinformed and misled by the doctors who took their money to cut their son for no good reason, then they may find the courage to have a change of heart and leave the new baby intact. It happens!

[loveyourohana]

I had my son circumcised because I didn't know any better, I really wish that someone would have taken the time to express their opinion to me before I had my son.

My reaction may have been rude, or who knows what my answer would be, because my reality at that time is only as much as I know, and my faith at that time was in the medical field, so even if I had any of those reactions that are norm for someone who isn't in the know, rude as they may seem... I would be still thankful after my research had been put in that someone took the time to open my eyes. I wish someone would have earlier than when my son was born.

[MamaGlow]

I agree w. Veronicalynne; perhaps she does feel bad and regret she didn't stand up to dh, and with some info and encouragement she could make a different choice for this new baby.

I know that's what happened w/ me/us. First ds is C'd ("wanted him to look like Daddy", etc), hubby went w/ him and came back saying he would never ever do that to a baby again. Ds (and DH!) was horribly traumatized, wouldn't nurse for hours, etc. Only then did I read up, ask ?, find out more...

So for ds2, no C!

You could make a big difference in her life and parenting choices, even just to let her know she *can* make a diff choice with this baby.

[Nandi]

Definitely be nice to her and share some facts. She sounded like she was definitely going against her gut instincts. Help her to have the confidence to not circ. her next son.
Catch more bees with honey, right?

[BunnySlippers]

Today I told someone they should pierce thier [unborn] babies lip so that he can have a hole in it to match hers, then everyone would know he is hers :
She is circumcising despite KNOWING the pain, the risks, that it is cosmetic AND she has to pay for it, yet she cries about not having enough money for expenses.

Iam so frustrated and at the end of my rope. Saying these things don't make me feel better, but I am hoping to hurt her<-- thats mean and I don't care.

[BunnySlippers]

Originally Posted by Nandi

Definitely be nice to her and share some facts. She sounded like she was definitely going against her gut instincts. Help her to have the confidence to not circ. her next son.
Catch more bees with honey, right?

I would do this for the woman you know

[Nandi]

Bunnyslippers"
"Iam so frustrated and at the end of my rope. Saying these things don't make me feel better, but I am hoping to hurt her<-- thats mean and I don't care."

If you wanted to be really mean you could give her a card as a baby shower gift saying you had donated to an anti circ program in her name.
I'm only joking, of course :P

[Breeder]

Originally Posted by MamaGlow

I agree w. Veronicalynne; perhaps she does feel bad and regret she didn't stand up to dh, and with some info and encouragement she could make a different choice for this new baby.

I know that's what happened w/ me/us. First ds is C'd ("wanted him to look like Daddy", etc), hubby went w/ him and came back saying he would never ever do that to a baby again. Ds (and DH!) was horribly traumatized, wouldn't nurse for hours, etc. Only then did I read up, ask ?, find out more...

So for ds2, no C!

You could make a big difference in her life and parenting choices, even just to let her know she *can* make a diff choice with this baby.

:

Not everyone has the balls to stand up to their signifigant other and she sounds like she was trying to reassure herself. I tried to do that alot at first with DS1.

When people were "mean" to me (I would never do that! How could you do that! etc.) I was pushed more into thinking, "I can't change it. I'm an awful mother etc etc etc"

When people were gentler with me, I was more open to the fact that DS2 could be intact, that I wasn't an awful mother and that when we know better we do better.

" I can't feel much sympathy to anyone who would let someone circ their child." <- this is the wrong approach in my opinion.