I need suggestions on an approach

[2boyzmama]

A friend of mine is pregnant with her fourth baby, she already has three boys, so I assume this one is a boy, too. She is a dichotomy that confuses me...she is a LLL leader, huge lactivist, she home births, she cosleeps, she non-vaxes, and she is very judgemental of those who DON'T do these things. Just can't understand why anyone sees any other way. She is a very brash, very abrupt, very hard to have a two-sided discussion with (because she's so SURE she's right about everything, kwim?)

Yet I recently learned that she circ'd all of her boys. I have no doubt she will circ this one, if he is a boy. She doesn't even like well-baby visits! So she will go through the trouble of home birthing (I say "trouble" only because there are no licensed midwives in our state, so she's had to seek out a lay midwife and find a back-up OB who will turn his back knowing she'll home birth) then after the baby is born, she'll take him into the dr she despises so much (because of all the western medicine mainstream ways like weight checks, vaccinating, introducing solids at a set age, supplementing breastfed babies, etc) to CIRC him!!!

Now, I've had a respectful circ discussion with many other women, but I just don't see how it's possible to have a civil dicussion with her about it. She's just not the type to be open to anyone who disagrees with her about anything. I guess one of our friends did bring it up once, and she said something like "well, I had to give my husband something, I was pushing so hard for home birth, no vax, breastfeeding, solids, cosleeping, etc, I had to let him win one argument". I don't buy that for a second. She's a very educated woman, and she preaches everythign she's read and come to believe (in a very judgemental way), but the topic of circ she's mum about. Never any comment about it, for or against, and she always finds a way to brush it off if the topic comes up.

How in the world do I bring this up to her? I even considered the passive way of writing her an anonymous letter and slipping it into the LLL sign in book at the next meeting I don't really think that will have an impact, but at least I'd feel better about DOING something, you know? I'm just lost here...

[Greg B]

Maybe tell herwhat you jsut said in this email? How her action regarding RIC seems so inconsistent with her other views, and you are curious how she sees it?

That should get the conversation started, then go from there.

Regards

[Quirky]

See, I do buy the argument that she "gave in" to her dh on this issue. I've seen it plenty with other women (including the most gentle, AP parents you can imagine, extended BF, co-sleeping, no spanking, etc.). They are much more crunchy than their dhs, who are uncomfortable with all these "weird" things their wives want to do. Some of which can really affect them and their views of their place in the family. For ex. exclusive breastfeeding not only creates a very tight mama-baby bond, often to the exclusion of the dh, but it also affects sexual desire levels in the mama. And co-sleeping -- that can push daddy out of the way as he doesn't have exclusive access to his wife in bed. Not vaxing, homebirthing, all these things are pretty far outside the comfort level of a lot of guys, who may not be as motivated as their wives during pregnancy to research all these issues.

So he feels like he HAS to exert some control over the family and the decisions that are being made, otherwise he's just along for the ride, not getting a say in things, and feels out of control and powerless. So he puts his foot down on circ, because after all he has a penis and therefore knows about penises, something his wife can't possibly know about first hand no matter how much she researches.

Maybe the mom puts up a fight, and he says "well, you're making the decisions on where to give birth, how to feed, whether to vax, where to sleep, etc. and I need to control this one decision." A lot of moms will give in there because they want their dhs to feel invested in the new baby and they want buy-in for their other non-mainstream choices.

So I don't know about how to approach her since she seems pretty argumentative, but I do think that her compromise position with her dh is a lot more common than you might think.

I wouldn't do an anonymous letter. If you can, I'd try to bring it up in person. She may just shut you down but at least you can try.

[Ophelia]

Can you play up the "it's your son's decision, NOT your husbands. Who's penis is it??" aspect of it? Like if her DH wants to control that 'decision' that means he is 'controlling' his son's penis for the rest of his life! Does that sound weird or do you know what I mean?

I think the reason she brushes off the subject is she's either feeling guilty or in denial.