Mother Issues--Mother present at Labor?

[Mirichka]

Ok, so my due date is on the 12th of September, which means it could be any day now...My mother wants to be at the labor and I feel strongly that she not be there. Earlier in the pregnancy I was more open to the idea, but I've come to realize she would sap my energy and I don't need that while in labor. Her mother had passed away before she had any of her children and so she brings that up alot about how she wishes she had had her mother around when she had her children.
I feel terribly that she did not have the support she needed in her 6 labors, but I also know that I cannot be the one responsible to repair the issues she needs to sort out regarding her lack of a mother figure. I have tried to judge her favorably and thought initially I was being too harsh in judgment, but her past interaction with me has indicated clearly that she would only hinder my labor than assist it and as much as I try to be understanding otherwise, this birth is something I need to do on my own, with my midwife and husband. Past history is that my mother is alot more talk than action when it comes to being helpful and her birth experiences were anything but what I would want for myself. Instead of being supportive in ways that would be helpful, my mother has clearly expressed resentment at my circumstances and support network that I've built in with my midwives (I am planning a hospital birth with a group of midwives) and my loving, supportive husband.
An example for clarification, was my sister's recent wedding weekend and she expressed that she would like it if I would be more helpful in cleaning and contributing to entertaining all the family and guests who were in town. I was hosting my grandparents, but I did not want to overextend myself. Instead of support for my trying to relax and conserve energy mentally and physically she seems upset that she did not/could not do this when she was pregnant. I have other examples of when she asks me to do favors for her or run errands. I get minimal appreciation for what I do and she almost never calls to earnestly see how I am doing unless she needs something. I am feeling alot of negative feelings towards her and its consuming my thoughts. Anyone else out there have similar experiences or advice on how to communicate better with my mom in this case? I know this is long, Just sounding off

[waterjen]

It sounds like your gut is telling you what you need, and I think you should go for it.
I had a similar situation going on with my mom wanting to be at the birth, and me sensing that it would not help me relax, and I explained that I viewed birth as the culmination of something sexual and I just needed to let go with my husband, the midwife being there as an expert trained to help if needed... Explaining how I felt it was something deeply private (even sexual) made her back off and give me privacy right away and she really did understand...
Just one idea for now, I know this doesn't address the other complex issues going on with her sense of boundaries etc., but it does set the boundaries that you and your family need for your birth...
you could express how blessed you feel that she will be in your baby's life, which is only just starting with the birth...

[boobyfeeder]

Do not give in and allow her there, you will regret it. You know what you need and what you don't need, listen to your instincts. No advice on how to get her off your back though. My mom was here for my second birth, but she was only supposed to be in the house in case DD1 woke up (she slept through the whole thing). When she got here, she came into the bedroom and stayed. Because of her influence, my DH didn't listen to me and called 911, ruining my perfect UC. It was awful. She has said she doesn't want to be at this birth, and that's just as well b/c she's not allowed to be here. We now live across the street, and DH will walk the kids over there if necessary. I don't want her anywhere near my birthing space. Listen to your gut!

[VeganCupcake]

I wish I had some good suggestions about what you could say to your mother to let her know gently but firmly that she is no longer invited to the birth.

My mother is also a bit of a difficult figure in my life, so I know how you feel. But she's 1000 miles away and doesn't know when baby is due (nobody has been told), so she has no way to be here.

If your mother has already expressed resentment about your situation with your midwives etc., you may be stuck with an uncomfortable conversation with your mom. But maybe the sooner that you tell her that you've decided you'd rather not have her there, the sooner you can feel more at peace with the situation.

[Montse]

I totally understand what you're going through. My mom is similar - a control freak, everything is about her, excessive personality, etc. My mom really wanted to be at my birth and fortunately, we moved to a different city. The idea of my mom being at my birth, caused me a great deal of stress. You need to be firm. She will pull a guilt trip on you and whatever you do, don't cave.

Unless you are scheduling your birth, don't tell her when you're in labor (assuming she pulls too much of a fuss about not being there) and be sure to let her know she'll be the first person you call after the baby is born. Since you'll be at a hospital, it's up to you and your DH to decide who can visit. Be sure to leave instructions with the nurses that only your husband, midwives, and essential staff are allowed in your room.

This isn't an easy an situation. When I was still in Phoenix, I made it clear that my birth experience was going to be private. The only people I want are my husband, midwife, and her assistant. That's it. No family, no friends, no one else. People are free to visit after my baby's birth but I don't want anyone there. Your birthing experience is about YOU and your baby. You decide who gets to be there and if she gets her panties in a twist, then oh well, she'll eventually get over it, especially if she wants to see your baby.

[alyssatuininga]

I had planned on having my Mom at my first birth. I was mostly doing it to make her happy. We are close but she is not completely supportive of a lot of my choices and gets nervous and freaked out easily. Because of circumstances (a very short first labor and a snow storm) she missed my actual birth. She got there about an hour after he was born and the timing was perfect. For my second birth she made it in plenty of time. She sapped my energy, constantly questioned everyone involved and just generally got on my nerves. I wish she had not been there. For this birth we have not told her she is not invited. Call me a wimp but it would just cause major issues. The plan is that we will call her "too late" to make it for the actual birth. She lives 3 hours away so we will just say the birth was fast and hopefully she will get here soon after the babe is born (like an hour). My mw feels confident that she will be able to tell when I am an hour-2 from giving birth and at that point my dh will call.

[MuslimMama]

My mother and I have VERYYYYYY different personalities and she STRESSES ME OUT (and stresses DH out too!)! so needless to say... I do not want her at my birth either... she is a few states away so no worries there!

My MIL lives with us and she is a sweetheart... I just do not know how involved i want her while I am in labor. My midwife offered a few suggestions, one of which was just to blame it on her and say "my midwife does not want anyone besides herself, her staff and DH"... she cant really put it on you if it is not your decision, kwim?

[daniturtle]

I understand. I was very worried about this too, since my mom stresses me out. I love her, but I did NOT want her at my birth, and she lives in the same town. Even just statements that are seemingly simple like, "We did it (pregnancy, birth, parenting) all different back in my day..." drive me nuts. I knew it would be a problem if she was at my birth. She tries not to be judgmental but it's hard for her not to be. I really do believe that having people around that stress you out can complicate matters, hold up labor, etc etc. I wracked my brain trying to find ways that I could break the news to her. Turns out she doesn't want to see me in pain and is going to wait in the family waiting room. Phew!

But in any case-- I would absolutely go with your instincts and not have your mom there. I think there are a few ways to address this. Granted, her feelings may be hurt, but she's a grown up and as you said, you don't have to resolve or fix or even address her issues, nor can you, actually!!!! I heard a doula say once that everyone in the room at the birth should have a specific role. So mamas, midwife/doctor, nurse, doula, and partner/spouse/husband all have very particular and well-defined roles. Mothers of mamas...less so, unless they are acting as your doula/labor support person. So you could frame it that way. Also saying that you want the birth to be deeply private occasion, like Jennifer suggested- I like that. You could also give her a (outside-the-labor/delivery-room) role or job-- calling family members or friends? Organizing meals that people will deliver to you at home? I can't think of anything really creative right now, but I know there must be something!!! And emphasize that her help and support in that area would be a huge help to you. And that post-birth (whenever YOU decide) you will be so thrilled to have her meet her grandchild and start a new relationship. Just a couple of ideas...good luck!

[Mirichka]

Thank you for your kind words

Thank you for your words of encouragement. DH and I have considered that we won't call her until I'm almost there or the baby has already been born. I think that will probably be the best. Additionally, I have spoken to my midwife and she is aware, so between her and DH I am confident that she doesn't have to be there for the labor. My parents live half a mile from us, but she never was interested in spending time with us until there was news of the baby.

In the 3 years we have been living near them, she's been over only a handful of times outside of official invitations. So this is my mother trying to be more involved and helpful and I just think the newness of the situation is hard for her to realize how she can be best supportive. She's not the overly-involved control freak mother type, I guess this is her way of showing her excitement/nervousness/joy? at the prospect of becoming a grandmother. I just want to be able to calmly be able to go into labor with minimal fears and this issue is something I felt overwhelmed with.