Role for DH?--Vent

[kbond]

So I'm doing a homebirth, and I had really envisioned that I would want my husband to be there with me for support.

I've been having on and off again early labor since last Tuesday (due date on the 8th), and I'm seriously beginning to doubt that I want him there at all because he keeps asking me what I need. Or if I'm having contraction. Or what I want him to do.

He has the tendency anyways, and we'd discussed, beforehand, that at some point, I'm really just going to need him to make his own decisions, and if he starts doing something I can't stand, I'll let him know. But, he's still, when it comes down to it, asking me what I need all the time, and I just want to yell at him to leave me the !*!*! alone and stop asking me to tell him what to do.

The thing is I also really strongly believe that he needs to be a part of the birth--this is our family that we're creating, and in my heart of hearts, I know that it would be an incomplete birth without him. Plus, while I generally just want him to go away when he's actually talking to me, I also, contradictorily, don't want him to go anywhere. I just want him to not ask me what I need. (Which I also realize is kinda nuts because I also can't expect him to read my mind.)

Any advice? Commiseration?

[amitymama]

I think a lot of men feel this way because they know that they have no way of knowing what you're going through and don't want to make things worse or piss you off by doing anything 'wrong' and think that just being in total deferrment to you is the best thing to do. They are sent messages all the time in the media and by others in our society that birth is solely women's work and that men should just do whatever their partner asks and that they really don't have an active role. It's easy to see why he's feeling confused and helpless and it's coming through as him being a bit pathetic.

I can completely empathise with your situation though, my DH is (or at least WAS, at my DD's birth) much the same. He didn't ever take charge and try to rub my back or sense that I needed a drink or anything. He just waited for instructions and kept asking me what I needed.

Has your DH read any of the labour and birth books that I'm sure you've read, or attended any birth classes with you? He may need more solid ideas of what to do and how he can help. I know it's a bit late now for that but maybe he could look up some info online on how to be a good birth partner and come up with some of his own ideas for how to be supportive so that you're not constantly having to tell him.

mama, you'll both get through this.

[winginit]

This is pretty typical guy...which is why a doula helps (she tells him how he can help instead of you!). Check out the Birth Partner...they've just released a new edition and it will give him some hints. Also...make him a really detailed list including all the little specifics you want and comfort measures he can do. Good luck!!

[GoBecGo]

I'm ducking in from nowhere (not in your DDC i mean) but my XP was JUST this way during PG, and you know what, when i was in labour he was a ROCK. I can remember beforehand telling him i needed him to tell me i was doing great on the day, even if he was scared and had no IDEA if i was doing well or not and he said "i'm not going to lie to you! You can't ask me to do that, i can't PRETEND everything is fine when i don't know if it is!" and i thought "i'm screwed".

But when i was in transition, hanging over the edge of my bath and telling him in a brief break between contractions (the midwife had come, found me to be 2-3 and DD posterior and popped back to hospital to pick up some missing bits of the birth kit, and within 20mins of her leaving DD had turned anterior and i had dilated FAST) that i needed to go to hospital and get an epidural because i HAD TO PUSH even if i WAS only 2-3cm and he said "Bec you are doing this. You can do it, you ARE doing it, let's wait until the midwife comes back" She came back an hour later and i gave birth shortly thereafter. I asked him about it afterwards and he said that he just knew what was needed when it was happening and he didn't HAVE to lie - he said what he knew was true.

By all means talk to DH in advance, but don't be too surprised if on the day he steps up in a way you couldn't have imagined.

[cellarstella]

I would suggest making a list of things you know you will need, from refilling your water to staying by you silently. Do you want him to massage your back, or stay hands-off? Can you develop a hand signal for when you are having a contraction so you don't have to try and answer him verbally? Maybe have some one-word requests like "towels!" when you want him to go push the button on the dryer to warm the towels. It's great that he wants to help, but I can understand not wanting to converse. You can tell him that if he thinks you look like you need some back massage, and he's wrong, it's ok, you'll just move away and no harm done.

[kbond]

Originally Posted by amitymama

Has your DH read any of the labour and birth books that I'm sure you've read, or attended any birth classes with you? He may need more solid ideas of what to do and how he can help. I know it's a bit late now for that but maybe he could look up some info online on how to be a good birth partner and come up with some of his own ideas for how to be supportive so that you're not constantly having to tell him.

mama, you'll both get through this.

We did a birth class together, and I tried to get him to read the Guide to Childbirth, but it didn't really stick.

The thing is....we've talked endlessly about things I might want/things he can do. So, I don't think the problem is that he doesn't have any ideas....he just doesn't want to implement any of them without my directing it, and I don't want to be the director.

[boobyfeeder]

I have given DH a list of do's and don'ts. Essentially it tells him things I might want, and if he does them and I don't want him to (like massage), I will tell him to stop then. It's frustrating for us, but it's hard for them too, b/c they have no idea what's going on.

[dimibella]

Originally Posted by boobyfeeder

I have given DH a list of do's and don'ts. Essentially it tells him things I might want, and if he does them and I don't want him to (like massage), I will tell him to stop then. It's frustrating for us, but it's hard for them too, b/c they have no idea what's going on.

That's a really good idea. DH basically sat in the corner like he was in timeout for our homebirth with DD. I was just so inside my own mind and didn't want anyone to touch me or talk to me, unless absolutely necessary. He was my everything during our DS' birth, I pretty much depended on him completely, so it was really weird that he was basically just a fly on the wall for DD's birth. I totally didn't plan it that way, just the way it worked out.

[mommathea]

Originally Posted by boobyfeeder

I have given DH a list of do's and don'ts. Essentially it tells him things I might want, and if he does them and I don't want him to (like massage), I will tell him to stop then. It's frustrating for us, but it's hard for them too, b/c they have no idea what's going on.

I have done the same thing. And a list of things for him to be doing while I'm in labor, little things that will keep him feeling useful without him driving me crazy.
I also told him that no matter what I say or how I say it, just to listen the first time, and know that it is the labor talking and not to take offence.

[LegalScrapper]

Are we all married to/involved with the same person?

My DH was very anxious during the birth of my DD. Kept asking me what I wanted, if I was okay, did that hurt, etc. I asked him to help me breathe and he pulled out the book we had and sat down to read it to me. He then said, "is that right? Is that how you do it?" He kept questioning the birth attendants - is that okay? what does that mean?

This time we attended a refresher lamaze class. I have been very specific with him about what I want. I still have doubts he'll do it. Which is a large part of why I chose a midwife this time - I wanted a doula but couldn't really afford one.

[kbond]

And, the other thing is that most of the time, I really appreciate how considerate he is of my feelings and the fact that he makes sure to ask what I want instead of assuming that he knows.

I would do the list thing, but that seems like a lot of effort at this point since (a) I've been in early labor for over a week now and am exhausted and (b) I'm not really sure what I want, which is part of what's causing all this angst on my part. But, still probably a good idea.

[MAdams]

what if you tell him you want him to just sit quietly and watch unless you tell him you want something... otherwise all you want is for him to not say a word. Think of silence as a task for him to do so he doesnt just think of it as 'doing nothing'

[honeybee]

When I started vocalizing through contractions, dh kept asking me if I was all right. It was annoying as hell... I mean, yes I was fine... but, yeah contractions hurt. But he did finally remember to be quiet during contractions, and we had some good bonding time during labor.

[paquerette]

I think The Birth Partner is good for guys like this. Only let him read the labor support stuff, NOT the medical side of birth section, it's very mainstream. If he wants to read that stuff point him at Henci Goer.

[ccasanova]

didn't read all the replies but wanted to let you know I know what you mean. Dh tried with our first baby, but because I got a bit grouchy at 6 cm, and said, "Don't touch me" he has been pretty hands off during labor ever since. He said what he tried didn't work, so he'd rather just sit in the back of the room and let me do "my thing". I really hurt his feelings with that one. I have ended up with an epidural every time. And it is mainly because he is so hands off. Instead of having him there supporting me, I have someone waiting for it to be over. And so I give up. I'm going somewhere else with this aren't I? I guess, I want to say, that although you may find it annoying that he is asking you, it's better he is there trying and wanting to help you.

What I'm going to do this time around is do a cheat sheet for DH. I already told him I will do this, and he seems on board for following it. That should really help because most things will be spelled out for him. THat should help your DH too.