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3 days w/ Mom-3 days w/ Dad (4&5yr girls)

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
Hello (real quick opinion)
Not sure where to post this .. but would love some insights.

What do you think about a 3 days here and 3 days there custody arrangement for 4 and 5 year olds????

Do you think this could be bad for the kids?

My ex-neighbors/ really close friends have just finished settling their custody aggreement. They have 2 daughters (4 & 5)of whom we (my son 3yrs & I) are really close to and love dearly.
They've been doing this 3 days with mom and 3 days with dad arrangement for a while now.
Well the father is the better parent and the mother is immature and likes to party. SHe lives w/ her parents since the split and sneaks out at night occassionally when the girls are in her custody. I've witnessed verbal, emotional and physical abuse from her towards them for 4 years now. She's a drama mama to say the least. The father is loving and caring and has a nice home and is stable all the way around. He works on the same property that his house is built on.. he and his father own their own business. She works at a doctors office. The kids go to daycare throughout the week. He was pushing for full custody but he was satisfied w/ the decision to keep the 3 days here 3 days there arrangement. (I think he feared the worst of her getting full custody & not caring for the girls like she should)
I still think they should have a stable home and not this 3 days shuffle but then again it's not fair that they see only one parent more than the other. If she were a good mom.. I'd be unsure of this. But since she isn't ... I believe the custody should've been granted to the father for the girls to have a stable & loving environment at such a young age.

But lets consider that they are equally good parents.
What do you think about a 3 days here and 3 days there custody arrangement????

Do you think this could be bad for the kids?

I would love to know what you think and how you think this will affect the girls. And what are some better arrangements for such young children?

Thank You very much

Leah
post #2 of 23
I think it sounds a little confusing...I would prefer to have set days of the week rather than a set # of days. Future scheduling sounds impossible, and I think kids would work better knowing that they are at mom's on M T W, and Dad's on R F S S or whatever
post #3 of 23
We have 50/50 time with my girls (not my preference, but their dad deserves the right to try to parent as much as I do and it was my choice to end the marriage- I do have them about 70/30 in the summer because I am a teacher)

We did the 3 day 3 day thing for about a month and it was really hard not having the set days. I like the set days because I know that I can sign myslef up for a class on Mon or Tues and never loose time with my kids, and I can sign them up for classes on Wed or Thurs and not have to clear it with my ex that he will take them to the class also.

We are now on a 5/5/2/2 schedule.
Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues (Dad)
Wed/Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun (Mom)
Mon/Tues (Dad)
Wed/Thurs (Mom)

and then we start the rotation over. Basically it is he gets mon/tues, I get Wed/Thurs and we alternate Fri-Sun.
post #4 of 23
I am curious what you mean by she sneaks out. Is she as a grown woman climbing out the window or something?
post #5 of 23
I agree with others about set days. I'm in favor of 50/50 custody and feel more days in a row at each parents house adds stability... yes they have two residences... but then they never feel like just a visitor at the other house, kwim? That is mostly what I have noticed with DSD and others anyway.

I think if they are in school, it will help tremendously to have set days as well, so you know what activities you need to plan ahead for and such. Also scheduling anything else.

I'm able to look at my calendar and know when we have DSD and if there is a family engagement that falls on a weekend we do not have her, we can discuss with her Mom about switching so she can be involved in both families as much as possible.


Regardless if you think Mom is not mature enough... she is still Mom and deserves to see her kids at least part of the time. 50/50 really is the most fair for all involved and I do beleive it helps the kids realize they are part of two families and not just nomadic visitors.

I know there are many that don't agree with 50/50... but there are plenty of families here that have wonderful results with that type of custody.
post #6 of 23
DH has his kids 50/50 with ex wife. he gets the kids every W, Th, and every other Fri, Sat, Sun. she gets the kids every M, T and every other Fri, Sat and Sun. the two days only week sucks. it takes the kids a day or two to transition and day 1 is usually filled with crying and bedtime drama, then just as they have acclimated they are going bak to the other parents house. personally i think an ideal 50/50 arangement would be 1 week on 1 week off. but DH got divorced when his kids were 1.5 and 3 so neither parent wanted to be away from such young kids for a whole week. now they are 6 and 7.5 and i think able to handle a week at a time.
post #7 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by arismama! View Post
DH has his kids 50/50 with ex wife. he gets the kids every W, Th, and every other Fri, Sat, Sun. she gets the kids every M, T and every other Fri, Sat and Sun. the two days only week sucks. it takes the kids a day or two to transition and day 1 is usually filled with crying and bedtime drama, then just as they have acclimated they are going bak to the other parents house. personally i think an ideal 50/50 arangement would be 1 week on 1 week off. but DH got divorced when his kids were 1.5 and 3 so neither parent wanted to be away from such young kids for a whole week. now they are 6 and 7.5 and i think able to handle a week at a time.
It's amazing how different everyone is on this.

Some people love week-on, week-off, and some people loathe it.

Some people hate the two-day "week," some hate it, and others (especially non-custodial dads on EOW) get nothing *but* the two-day week.

Whatever the system, I think it's important once kids hit school age, there is predictability regarding where they are which days of the week. Week-on, week-off can work that way (if the parents live close by), because a week is a week, regardless of whether they're with Mom or Dad. EOW can work (although I'm not generally in favor of so little contact with the NCP), because the school week is spent with the CP. But three days on, three days off, rotating, can really mess up activities (as a PP noted). Adults on work schedules like that get confused...why wouldn't kids? (When they're really little, and have no real concept of "days of the week" and no school schedule, 3/3 might be more feasible.)
post #8 of 23
When my dh and the ex decided to do a 50/50 they wanted to keep it less confusing for the children.
I personally think switching every 3 days or changing the routine every 3rd Sunday when the moon is full is just way to much work and makes 50/50 a nightmare ...
I know it's hard not to see the kids for 7 days straight but it makes our 7 days that more special !!!
We keep it sweet and simple week on week off
Mondays being the pickups after school ..
Before the kids were school age we did the pickups on Sunday nights ..

We still have a holiday plan separate from the week on week off thing.

My thoughts on the custody/visitation thing are what is best for the children and also what would the other parent feel if the roles were reverse.
If the father has more time then the mother could the father deal with less time?
or if the mother has more time then the father could the mother deal with less time? ..
It's a touchy topic ..
post #9 of 23
I do not like 50/50 or 60/40 custody splits. I don't think they are good for most children. We had a 60/40 split for a while and it was horrible for DS. In fact, the man at the dept. of children and families strongly urged me to go back to court for more custody. He said the children he's seen that do best in divorce situations are the kids that have one "home base" and visitation with the other parent. He said kids with a 50/50 or close to 50/50 always did the worst.

DS still gets frequent visitation with his dad (he sees him 3 days a week but only has 2 overnights per month) and he seems more stable. He thrives with the predictablilty and we even make calendars for his room so he knows which days he will be spending with dad. My ex is not a bad man, he's a good dad and he deserves to spend time parenting his son - but I don't feel that having 50/50 split is a good idea for our son and his needs come first.
post #10 of 23
I was a child of divorce. Our situation worked really well for us. We were older when our parents divorced, but 50/50 would have been horrible. We went to Dad's Monday and Thursday afternoons. We went from 3:30 (right after school) until 6:30. And then every other weekend. We're all fairly well adjusted. Having the home base really helped with us. We enjoyed going to see dad, but were always glad to home to the stability with mom.

It's really hard for me not to just ramble on and on with this topic.
post #11 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyto3girls View Post

We are now on a 5/5/2/2 schedule.
Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues (Dad)
Wed/Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun (Mom)
Mon/Tues (Dad)
Wed/Thurs (Mom)

and then we start the rotation over. Basically it is he gets mon/tues, I get Wed/Thurs and we alternate Fri-Sun.
We did this, too, but because my step-daughter was so young (1) when it started, on the 5-day stretches with mom we had a 4-hour visit in the middle and on the 5-day stretch with us mom had a 4-hour visit in the middle. I don't know if we would have kept it that way forever as she got older (we moved, so it changed it all anyway).

We loved the schedule and our little girl seemed to do well with it for the most part. We made it as predictible as possible for her and found things that helped her understand which days were switching days and which were not.
post #12 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by arismama! View Post
DH has his kids 50/50 with ex wife. he gets the kids every W, Th, and every other Fri, Sat, Sun. she gets the kids every M, T and every other Fri, Sat and Sun. the two days only week sucks. it takes the kids a day or two to transition and day 1 is usually filled with crying and bedtime drama, then just as they have acclimated they are going bak to the other parents house. personally i think an ideal 50/50 arangement would be 1 week on 1 week off. but DH got divorced when his kids were 1.5 and 3 so neither parent wanted to be away from such young kids for a whole week. now they are 6 and 7.5 and i think able to handle a week at a time.
I agree, the 2 day 2 day week is a hard adjustment, but 7 days apart is just too long for us and it still involves both parents needing to agree to manage extra curriculars that may not be their first choice or even something they would have signed the child up for.
post #13 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha View Post
We did this, too, but because my step-daughter was so young (1) when it started, on the 5-day stretches with mom we had a 4-hour visit in the middle and on the 5-day stretch with us mom had a 4-hour visit in the middle. I don't know if we would have kept it that way forever as she got older (we moved, so it changed it all anyway).

We loved the schedule and our little girl seemed to do well with it for the most part. We made it as predictible as possible for her and found things that helped her understand which days were switching days and which were not.

I do like the schedule too (if 50/50 is my only choice) It is easy for them to understand.

Another thing we do is always keep a Calendar sheet in their book bags. I mark them as dad days or mom days so they can always see who is picking them up that day. Helps out their teachers too as far as making sure both households are kept informed of what is going on.
post #14 of 23
My ex's wife had a 50/50 split that I thought was horrible and would never eagree to. Her kids lived with their dad for one whole year with no visitation to mom, and then spent the next year with mom with no visitation to dad. This was because their dad lived in Idaho and their mom lives here in California and neither wanted to be "bothered" by having to drive them for visitation.

Ex currently has EOW and one night a week. Although dd hasn't been for her weekend visits in going on two months now because she's been so upset by all that's going on that she's asked to come home Friday nights and then didn't go this weekend because she's sick.

I think that hopping back and forth from mom to dad every five days or every three days or whatever isn't enough stability for kids. Especially if the two families differ vastly on rules and schedules.
post #15 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilian View Post
I do not like 50/50 or 60/40 custody splits. I don't think they are good for most children. We had a 60/40 split for a while and it was horrible for DS. In fact, the man at the dept. of children and families strongly urged me to go back to court for more custody. He said the children he's seen that do best in divorce situations are the kids that have one "home base" and visitation with the other parent. He said kids with a 50/50 or close to 50/50 always did the worst...
hmmm. well the child psychologist and court appointed custody evaluator and our mediator stated that kids actually generally do best in a 50/50 situation, so I guess all professionals have their own opinions.

the thing about "stabilty" as strangeduck was saying is that there just simply, and unfortunately ISNT stability in the standard way when kids parents are no longer living together. divorce is the start of having a less stable life, no matter how great both parents may be and how great any future step parents may be. life is a lot less stable for kids of split families.
post #16 of 23
I was also a child of divorce, but with parents that got along well with each other. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my little brother was 10 months. Thankfully, they stayed friends, and they lived close to each other, and both got remarried to other people that I quickly grew to love. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but we had a really nice arrangement.

We did weekly, where one week sunday through saturday we would live with mom, and then the next sunday through saturday we would live with dad.
BUT, so neither parent would be separated for an entire week, each Wednesday, the parent that didn't have us that week got to have us for the afternoon and dinner, with lots of phone calls, and often impromptu mini-visits.
When we started school, (before we were homeschooled), on the week my father had us, my mother would pick us up from school, and we would stay with her until dinner, and when we lived with my mother, my father picked us up everyday. So no matter where we lived that week, we saw both parents everyday. And we never had any mixups where no one picked us up from school because they thought the other person was supposed to, they knew "ok this week is mine to keep them, and next week is mine to pick them up"
post #17 of 23
My ex and I have 60/40 custody of our kids (I have 60%), and DH and his ex have 50/50 custody. From the start, my kids (who were only 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 when we split) hated to go longer than 2 days w/o seeing either parent, so they've always done part of the week at each house. Right now, I have Monday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. It's changed some over the years because of work and school schedules, but it's always been about like that. SS has a similar schedule.

It works for us and my kids still love it. When I mention going to a week on/week off schedule, they think it's a terrible idea. Thank goodness, because I think my youngest DS would be crushed not to see his brothers and sister for a whole week at a time!

It is good, though, to have that consistency of the same days every week. It'd drive me nuts if I had different days on different weeks and I know my kids would hate it, too.
post #18 of 23
Anecdotal information only, but DH and I had a 50/50 split with my SD, and we raised her that way from the time she was 2 until she went off to college. She's now 22, healthy and happy, and she has close, loving relationships with her bio-mom and bio-dad, plus her sibs and me. We alternated Friday to Friday, because it gave her a weekend to ease into the routine. We thought it was important that she had two homes, not one main home and one place to visit.
post #19 of 23
My parents divorced when my brother and I were 1 and 3. Our dad moved from Ohio to Arkansas. We did 6 month split until school started, then summers with Dad and every other school break (spring break or winter break). I didn't like that arrangement much because I was like a new kid at school every year because I missed the whole summer and I'm not all that close to my dad. Well, when I was little I got sent back to my Mom's because I cried for the first couple of weeks straight.

My little sister has done a 3 day split since she was 3. She's now 16 and regularily asks where she is supposed to be on a given night.

Then my own kids.. I work 3 12 hour shifts a week (nights) and my ex works 2 days a week. In the beginning the kids were 2 and 4 and I worked a schedule like 2 days on, 2 -3 days off and she had the kids on days I worked. She felt like she was shorted days with that arrangement and I felt like the kids were unhappy with going back and forth every other day. So I got my schedule changed at work so I work every mon, tues and every other weekend. She works every thursday and friday or friday and saturday. and to make it an even 50/50, they go with her every Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and every other Saturday. They always know where they will be on what day. We occasionally adjust for vacations or appointments or visitors coming to town, but the kids are always with me at the end of the week and with her in the beginning. We both work but the kids basically still have a SAHM. Working only every other week isn't an option for me. We're planning on homeschooling still. I think it works out pretty well for us. The kids are happy. I miss the kids the half of the week they're gone, but I am working most of the time, so it works out.

Seraf
post #20 of 23
We do week on, week off.

DF is very adamant that any less than around a week does no good if you trying to establish two houses. Kids need time to settle in, get used to a routine.

DSD has a lot fewer issues with regards to transitions now that we have been on a consistent week on/week off arrangement for almost two years now.

Three days on/off would be way too much tumult for my dsd.
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