Hey there, everyone,
Sorry it took me so long to update; it's been a long, long day, and I really didn't sleep much at all last night (too worried and in pain), so I ended up needing to take a nap this afternoon to be able to function at all.
DH went with me to the u/s. We saw very little. There was a small, empty gestational sac and nothing more. No baby without a hb, which was honestly the image I was most dreading. Nothing baby-like at all, in fact. Just a sad little empty black spot where the baby should have been.
So I'm actually doing okay. I'm obviously sad, as is DH, but knowing that nothing really developed even from the very beginning feels different to me somehow than the loss of the physical baby that I expected. Instead it feels more like the loss of a sweet and beautiful dream, the dream of our next baby. And we fully intend to try for that dream again. Of course, it's also possible I'm totally in denial -- only time will tell, I suppose.
In a very odd sort of way I was relieved that the u/s didn't show a hb. B/c if it had, while I still had all this pain and worry and stress, then I would have been deeply confused and would have felt that my instincts were totally wrong. And since my instincts are what saved Sophie's life, I now put a lot more stock into them. Finding out that I had imagined/misinterpreted the dread I spoke of at the beginning of this post would have made me lose a lot of confidence in my ability to read my body. Does that make any sense?
We told the kids this afternoon, assuring them that there was nothing I or they or anyone could have done, that this is just something that happens sometimes, and that we were disappointed, but that we would try again to add a new baby to our family.
So, that leaves the actual m/c. My cramping, which had gotten very bad indeed, has all but stopped. And I haven't had a spot of blood, not even from all that probing around with the transvaginal u/s. My body seems bound and determined to stay pg, even when there's no pg! I still feel totally pg, too. Ugh.
So I've requested a D&C and will find out tomorrow when it will be scheduled. If I m/c on my own before then, that would be fine, but I'm not confident it's happening anytime soon. I'm supposed to be 9 wks. along tomorrow and clearly my body has been carrying on without a baby for a very long time already, with no real clue. Now that I know, for the sake of my mental health, I need to end this as soon as I can.
I can't thank you enough for all the support you have shown me on this thread; it really meant a lot to me. I have really enjoyed posting with all of you and sharing our hopes and stories, and I fully hope to "see" you around on a due date board again before too long; take care of yourselves and I'll be watching for all your beautiful babies and birth stories come April!