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bio parent seeking info/advice

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
im new here, and im desperate...
we just celebrated our 5 yr anniversary. i have a 12 yr old son from a previous relationship, and 2 boys (4 and 3) w/ my hubby. hubby has struggled for the last 5 years to love and accept my oldest son. we are a christian family and being a christian makes it tough to do the right thing. hubby has anger issues, he's in anger management now. he's never actually "hit" me or the kids but the very last blow up was scary and now that my oldest is back from visiting his bio dad over the summer, i have a ton of anxiety all the time. hubby punched a hole in the wall and proceeded to follow me around the house yelling and screaming in front of the kids, then went to my oldest and started yelling at him for no reason. hubby has never spent more than a few minutes with my son. hubby refuses to be involved in boy scouts or anything else. hubby makes rude comments to son like "do you understand english?" or will walk by him in the hallway and say "stop smacking your lips when you chew your gum". oldest son has always been energetic, yet passive. now my oldest is taking out his anger on me. very sarcastic most of the time. will say to me "are you deaf?". hubby wants to meet w/ the coordinators of the stepfamily ministry at church because obviously he has issues and is recognizing them. i have overwhelming thoughts of calling it quits. i honestly dont believe my oldest is the problem. hubby has issues w/ our middle child as well. when my oldest is away, the criticism and anger and high expectations gets put on our 4 yr old. 4 yr old is a mama's boy and pushes daddy away when there is affection. when oldest is back, 4 yr old gets treated well, oldest gets ignored and/or criticized.
i've talked to friends, my parents, other people. my mom says to ignore it (she's married to my alcoholic stepfather), my dad is a pastor and is happy that things are moving forward with hubby's wanting to meet w/ those folks, stepmom walked out on 2 previous marriages but has been married to my dad for over 25 yrs and she says "you know where i stand", best friend says it's pretty normal for a stepdad to treat his stepson that way, other best friend left her hubby for no good reason so she thinks i should leave. hubby has gotten better over the 5 years. it's just not happening quick enough for me, but more importantly my kids. the youngest is hubby's favorite. he gets away w/ murder so he's daddy's boy. i try to treat them all the same. hubby has thrown my oldest onto the bed in anger when my son was 8. he has poked him in the forehead while son was sitting in the back of the car, twisted his arm, swung him around by the shoulder w/ arm over his neck in a 180 into a chair all because he "looked at me wrong", almost got into a car accident recently when my 4 yr old said something about killing, to turn around and yell and grab him.
am i crazy to feel anxiety? i dont know if this anger management is being taken seriously. i keep wondering when the next time will be. when will he kick the moulding off the door again, or next time will it be me?
i have forgiven him for all the impulsive and aggressive behavior in the past, but i cant forget. if hubby gets info on the stepparenting thing, will this help in the other areas? some history on hubby: his bio father was abusive to him and his sister and mom, hasnt seen bio dad since he was 10?, mom remarried shortly thereafter and stepdad ignored him or was critical. the pattern is being repeated. the problem is do i stay because of the little ones meanwhile risking any further damage to the oldest, or do i leave?
any help would be great.
thanks!
post #2 of 22
I am sorry if this is blunt but wether or not your husband has ever hit you or your children he is abusive both physically and more importantly emotionally. This will have a negative effect on ALL of you even those it is not the anger is directed at them or not. You are the only one with the power to break the cycle of abuse. Please do so for your childrens sake as well as your own.
post #3 of 22
It might be worth going to a safe place while he takes anger management classes.
My stepfather was the same way when we were growing up and we all walked around on egg shells waiting for the proverbial hammer to fall. It got to the point where it did become physical when my older brother got into his teens.
I have some truly terrifying memories of my stepfather and my older brother duking it out infront of the whole family with much rage happening.
All it takes is that first slap or that first punch. One second in time and he can move from verbal/emotional abuse to physical abuse.
Coming from a childhood household with a very angry man, PROTECT YOUR KIDS and THEN worry about your husband.
If you don't have anywhere to go, then contact some of your local non-profits...we have a few Women's Abuse Centers here that help families get away from abuse.
post #4 of 22
Thread Starter 
thank you for quick reply babybearsmummy and debmac69. truly. god bless you.
i have expressed my anxiety to hubby, he seemed remorseful that he caused me the anxiety, and even asked "do you want me to move out?". i replied "wouldnt be a bad idea" but that was it. i do have places to go. my parents live nearby, etc.
i have talked to a lawyer over the phone but im not sure if i should do the separation papers myself or pay the lawyer the 2500 retainer fee to work on the case for me. if i do use a lawyer will this spur my hubby on to get one too. i want to be able to stay in the house because of school for the kids, but as a stay at home mom, how do i financially do this. so many questions...
post #5 of 22
I'm surprised your ds father hasn't fought for custody. I would never allow my child to continue to live in a house where he is treated badly without a fight. How can your son trust you to protect him as a parent should if you've made him live in this environment for 5 years. It may take years and years of therapy and work for him to get past this. Worse..he could end up treating children the same way when he is an adult because of the way he is treated. Get all of your kids out of there. It won't be easy but it's the right thing to do.
post #6 of 22
My dh behaved in a very similar way to his own kids (my stepsons). What finally helped was medication, and me leaving for three days. He's on an anti-depresant/anti-anxiety medicine. He tells me he gets flooded with emotion and can't control himself, but the meds are able to keep him calm enough to deal with things in a calmer manner.
post #7 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
I'm surprised your ds father hasn't fought for custody. I would never allow my child to continue to live in a house where he is treated badly without a fight. How can your son trust you to protect him as a parent should if you've made him live in this environment for 5 years. It may take years and years of therapy and work for him to get past this. Worse..he could end up treating children the same way when he is an adult because of the way he is treated. Get all of your kids out of there. It won't be easy but it's the right thing to do.
it's not as easy to do. i was never married the first time and it was quite easy to walk away. i didnt realize the impact it would have on my son. i was the product of divorced parents and didnt think too much about it. anyway, because of my beliefs it wasnt as easy to walk away from my hubby. i had other kids w/ him. when hubby and i get into an argument (we rarely argue anymore) and there's indication of the family breaking up then my oldest says hubby and i are being silly and to make up. despite the 5 years of indecent treatment, my son said he doesnt want to be like those kids that goes to dad's one week and to mom's the next week. he wants us all to stay in this house together. oldest son even sticks up for "daddy". hubby finally went to the dr. to check for bipolar disorder. all they said the next morning was for hubby to go to anger management, which he did. he has 2 weeks left of class. we had almost a whole 9 or 10 months of "normalcy" in which hubby treated the kids the same. not sure what changed when summer vacation hit. hubby mentioned my son "not earning his keep". in any case, im going to go through w/ a separation. not sure how to bring this up to hubby. im having anxiety just thinking about it.

also, regarding my ex. he lives in washington state and we were never married. he doesnt really know the details of what's going on, plus, he wanted me to raise our son because he's always at work. that's his number one priority. also, he's from china and dictator-like parents who occassionally hit or whatever is normal.
post #8 of 22
Thread Starter 
i would still like to hear more opinions, info, advice.
this is a huge decision that will affect the whole family and if someone is on the other side of the fence i would love to hear from you as well.
thank you for taking time to read about my story and/or respond.
post #9 of 22
I know it's not easy but you are the parent and you need to make sure your children understand and feel that no one has the right to treat them that way. This is all going on his "permanent record" and you need to do something. I'm not saying you have to leave forever but you need to let both your dh and your dc know that this is not acceptable behavior and you need to model what is. I feel for you. I gave my x a couple of days to arrange his exit and he proceeded to get me fired from my job by stealing my car, my purse and my jewelry so I had no way to work the brand new job I got so that I could support myself and then I lend him money for gas so he could make it out of town and be charming enough to get hired a new job the next day so I would have a paycheck coming. It sucked and I am so not sorry I did it. Your dh needs help and possibly meds and need to protect your children from his treatment and influence until he does that. Have faith. It will all be OK.
post #10 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by hautemami View Post
he's never actually "hit" me or the kids
Mama, I think you are in denial. Please read a quote from your post below:

Quote:
Originally Posted by hautemami View Post
hubby has thrown my oldest onto the bed in anger when my son was 8. he has poked him in the forehead while son was sitting in the back of the car, twisted his arm, swung him around by the shoulder w/ arm over his neck in a 180 into a chair all because he "looked at me wrong", almost got into a car accident recently when my 4 yr old said something about killing, to turn around and yell and grab him.
Every example here IS hitting. You need to get yourself and your kids somewhere safe until your husband can get his issues worked out.
post #11 of 22
we are a Christian family and being a Christian makes it tough to do the right thing

Being Christian should makes things easier to do the right thing !
When you truly stop look at the situation, what comes to your mind ?
Pray and listen to God , not all the people around you ..

You are mother , protector , and according to the bible you are to be cherished and adorned with love and gifts .

Your duty as a Christian woman is to protect your children.

Leaving your husband is not abandoning him .
You are not saying that you are never going to be with him again you are saying that you and your children need to go for a while until your husband gets his anger in order and starts being the Godly man you know him to be .

By moving out, you are allowing him to grow up and deal with his anger WITHOUT putting you and your children in a extremely harmful situation.

Allowing your husband to get the help he needs is not a bad thing.
it's a good thing..
post #12 of 22
Every day that you stay with your husband and let him terrorize you and your children is a day that you are failing in your most basic job as a mother. You must keep them safe, and they aren't safe in the care of a man who cannot control his behavior. Your oldest son doesn't have any say in what happens in your marriage, and he may simply be afraid of the consequences of change. You must be the adult and protect your children.

I am not saying you must divorce your husband, but he needs help and it isn't fair to subject your children to his behavior while he's fixing himself. Furthermore, all of your energy is spent worrying about how to keep the peace instead of providing a loving upbringing for your children.

I suggest immediate separation from your husband and counseling for the entire family. Don't wait until he hurts you or your children.
post #13 of 22
I would also suggest strongly that you leave. I would suggest that you do not give him warning, do not take it up with him face to face (he punched a hole in the wall? he throws your son around and twists arms? those are all harmful and show intent to do bodily harm). Leave, file the separation papers and have them served. Have somebody else face the "wrath" that is likely to be thrown around when he is served. If and when he can be a godly, decent human being, consider going back. Until then the safety of your children is the top concern right now! Be well, Mama.
post #14 of 22
I was thinking about this thread this morning and I also wanted to address your comment about being christian and that making it hard to do the right thing.

The way I see it, there is no god (God) that would put you in a position to watch your kids being physically abused and both their and your lives being at risk (your lives ARE at risk if you stay with him). Perhaps the reason you have been put in this situation is so that you CAN do something about it. Perhaps your god (God) needs you to HELP your husband. You WILL help him by getting out of the situation. He will be forced to better himself if he wants his family back.
post #15 of 22
Just wanted to add a thought. Without seeing it for myself...it does sound like he's a bit over the top...like, uhm, scary and not safe.

BUT...if you have not documented, etc. to this point, and have no viable proof, please be aware that your dh may get unsupervised visitation with the children if you leave. Obviously that would not be the best in this situation. I'm not recommending you stay, but I am recommending you are SURE your bases are covered BEFORE you go and put a wrench in the works.

It sounds like your dh flips his lid sometimes and would rather not. It sounds like he wants to be a good daddy and really is trying to get help. I don't think I'd give up on him. But, it IS NOT giving up on your marriage to say, "hey, I'm going to go stay at my Dad's for a bit while you work through this. Call me whenever you want."

I'm praying for you today!

(PS I pm'd you also)
post #16 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by courtenay_e View Post
I would also suggest strongly that you leave. I would suggest that you do not give him warning, do not take it up with him face to face (he punched a hole in the wall? he throws your son around and twists arms? those are all harmful and show intent to do bodily harm). Leave, file the separation papers and have them served. Have somebody else face the "wrath" that is likely to be thrown around when he is served. If and when he can be a godly, decent human being, consider going back. Until then the safety of your children is the top concern right now! Be well, Mama.
thank you, ive already suggested to him over the phone that we need some "time apart". i didnt quite go into detail. he said his heart is heavy. i know he's going through a lot of inner turmoil lately. it's unfortunate that he has to be so rude to my 12 yr old in the process. just to clear up that hubby has changed quite a bit over the 5 years. at least he's in anger management. and him twisting my son's arm while putting him in the corner thing hasnt happened in 4 years. but yes, because of the punching a hole in the wall and my resulting anxiety, i feel it's not good for any of us to be continuing on this way.
i think my anxiety may or may not be irrational. i know part of it is that i do carry around a lot of fear to begin with as i lived w/ an alcoholic stepparent (god bless his heart). my mom is still married to him and we actually have a great relationship now...after all the therapy i went through. lol. anyway, thank you so much!
post #17 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just1More View Post
Just wanted to add a thought. Without seeing it for myself...it does sound like he's a bit over the top...like, uhm, scary and not safe.

BUT...if you have not documented, etc. to this point, and have no viable proof, please be aware that your dh may get unsupervised visitation with the children if you leave. Obviously that would not be the best in this situation. I'm not recommending you stay, but I am recommending you are SURE your bases are covered BEFORE you go and put a wrench in the works.

It sounds like your dh flips his lid sometimes and would rather not. It sounds like he wants to be a good daddy and really is trying to get help. I don't think I'd give up on him. But, it IS NOT giving up on your marriage to say, "hey, I'm going to go stay at my Dad's for a bit while you work through this. Call me whenever you want."

I'm praying for you today!

(PS I pm'd you also)
thank you so much for your prayers. i know that they are working. i am feeling so much more peace since you and all the other nice people have given me advice and prayers. God bless you and your family.
post #18 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by jjawm View Post
My dh behaved in a very similar way to his own kids (my stepsons). What finally helped was medication, and me leaving for three days. He's on an anti-depresant/anti-anxiety medicine. He tells me he gets flooded with emotion and can't control himself, but the meds are able to keep him calm enough to deal with things in a calmer manner.
I had all my plans in motion to leave DH for pretty much the same reasons as the OP's. We made one last attempt at help in the form of medication and we now live in a totally different home. The medication allowed DH to get some control and then work on the underlaying issues.

Maybe give it a shot, OP.
post #19 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusBirthMama View Post
I had all my plans in motion to leave DH for pretty much the same reasons as the OP's. We made one last attempt at help in the form of medication and we now live in a totally different home. The medication allowed DH to get some control and then work on the underlaying issues.

Maybe give it a shot, OP.
ive never needed medication before and i feel like i need it now because of the home situation. i thought about over and over and i wonder if it's worth it just to put up w/ everything. i think my hubby needs it. he said they never did any blood work or other similar tests for bipolar, they just did an interview. ugh.
post #20 of 22
Depending on the healthcare company that you and your husband have, your husband might have to see his doctor on more than one occasion in order to get the correct diagnosis.
He might have to request another visit with his doctor in order to get them to look deeper into the situation OR he might have to get a second opinion from another doctor.
He might have to request a referral to a specialist if his doctor is not able to find the right solution for him.
This behavior sounds like it goes above and beyond Anger Management classes and that maybe further exploration into other available treatments, i.e. medication is necessary.
All that I am saying is to not let the doctor's simple solution after a verbal interview to be the end all and be all.
It sounds like the behavior needs a second look by a medical professional. Doctors dont always catch the solution on the first try.
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