What to do with vocab I want to get rid of? (X-posted GD)

[peaceful_mama]

Help!

DS is 3, a couple weeks away from 4.

His new favorite words to say are "Shut up" and a phrase he learned outside from another kid "My name is piss-off" (often turned on his sister "your name is P-O")

I really do not care for these words. I will admit that *I* am the primary reason he has learned SU. (I've been um, kind of at my wit's end with mornings and trying to keep everyone quiet while DH sleeps...)

The other phrase was a one-day encounter with a kid, it disappeared for awhile and is now back.

I have tried a variety of approaches including ignoring (he just does it louder, more, anything until he gets SOME kind of reaction) time-out. We have talked about how these words are not good words, how they make people feel, how others don't like them.

I have talked with him about how *I* too obviously need to change my language and I have eradicated S-U from my own vocab. (that's the worst part of that one, I KNOW it's MY fault he uses it.)

Unfortunately, 20 month old S. has also picked up SU.

the funny thing is he will tell the baby not to say it and "that's a bad word"

Also he is fascinated with using bathroom words outside of the bathroom. (like randomly singing about "poo-poo")

It's not that that's 'bad' so much as it's just plain annoying and well, embarrassing if he does it in front of people and stuff like that.

The other thing is he goes to preschool and his teacher says he does not use any of this there. So it is strictly at-home. (last night was bad, he just kept repeatedly saying S-U just to get SOME kind of reaction...)

I'm also TRYING to give/focus attention on him and both of them as much as I can. (trying to make it so he does not NEED to do this for attention.)

What do I do??

[Jenelle]

Wow, I could have almost written your post, except that mine was born 12/04 and he is the middle. I have a 20 month old also, born 1/07! Thankfully the baby hasn't picked up on *this* bad habit of brother's (yet) .

I don't have any idea what the "GD" approach is... but after trying, trying, trying, all the things you have mentioned and then probably some more... I have resorted to threats of jalapeno juice. : Sorry if folks don't like this -- but I cannot have my 3-year-old saying some of the things he has picked up along the way, and I cannot have him teaching these things to the baby, or then I've got TWO very big problems.

At least it's edible, unlike the popular "soap in the mouth" threats of our childhood. And all it takes is ONE drop... it's amazing how "the word" disappears!

Let me know if you find a solution that works better. I don't really enjoy this solution at all, it's just the only thing that has actually worked.

[peaceful_mama]

haven't tried that but havent' come up with anything else magical other than we seem to be on another trend where these words are out of favor. (for this week anyway)

I think I'm going to try something from the GD board to make it into a game with a different word. MAYBE it will take.

that or someone suggested with the word "stupid" she designated a time where everyone could use it as much as they wanted. (but not on people)
after ONE breakfast of constant "please pass the stupid...." the word was no longer 'cool'

[zeldamomma]

For something like P_O_ where there's no polite alternative, I say something like "we don't speak like that in this house". Calm, low key, and brief-- a big discussion tends to draw my kids' attention to the behavior, and I'm a lot more likely to hear it again.

For "shut up", if the situation is one where they could reasonably ask someone either to be quiet or to stop saying something hurtful, I will start by providing a more polite alternative, and once I know they know what the right words would be, I just say "excuse me?" with a pointed look.

It's not an overnight fix, but it did seem to help at our house.

GL!

ZM

[roostery]

I've had good results with suggesting alternatives to DD. I just suggest words that I think are really funny. That way she gets a great reaction from me when she uses them.

Now she says "Oh Jam" when she drops something, which just cracks me up for some reason. It is much better than 'oh s**t' which is what she started with.

[ColwynsMommy]

I'll probably be in the minority, but I really don't care what actual words my kids use when we're in the house, with just us. I do care about intent, so to me, a meanly said, "Be quiet!" is just as bad as "Shut up!" Something like "My name is Piss Off" would probably get a big laugh here.. again, so long as it wasn't said meanly. My kids have said all manner of bad words, though for the really big ones, we usually ask them to use those words in private.

But.. the kids know that they are not, under any circumstances, to use those words in front of anyone who doesn't live in our house. We started this rule the very first time my oldest swore (innocently, just trying out words). We told him that words mean different things to different people, and while Mommy and Daddy don't mind such-and-such, other people might be really upset to hear someone say that word. We can only say those words in front of people we *know* won't mind.

I feel like this approach has really taken away the drama over certain words. Because they know there are certain places where they can say whatever they want, they don't feel the need to say 'bad' words in public. Maybe if you still don't want to hear certain words or phrases, you could still tell him he can say those things, but only in his bedroom.

I don't really see the need to get stressed out about words. Words don't have any inherent power.. they only have the power that we give them.

[peaceful_mama]

I've tried the bedroom thing. It doesn't get me out of hearing it because he doesn't shut the door and yells it. :P

maybe what I need to do is just chill out about it, give one "we don't say that here" and then if it continues, he goes to his room with the door SHUT, where he can say it as long as he wants to.

that would be a big deterrent probably as it seems to be for attention.

My main deal with the P-O thing is more that I don't want him saying it in public or in front of others, I don't want the baby to learn it, and he is starting to use it to call her names too, which is *not* cool.

as far as the S-U word, well......the only real thing I can think of to do is teach him an alternative. Like today, his sister was screaming and he used it. She was being extremely loud, she was right next to him, and he wanted her to stop. There's other ways to make that happen.
Also he needs my example, I have to say he learned it from my not-so-proud moments in life.
So part of me feels like I really can't punish that word cause I've used it. :

[~*~MamaJava~*~]

Originally Posted by zakers_mama

Also he needs my example, I have to say he learned it from my not-so-proud moments in life.
So part of me feels like I really can't punish that word cause I've used it. :

just wanted to say - it's okay to tell him 'mommy said that word, but i shouldn't have, because it's not a nice word. i'm sorry that i said it to you, and i'm not going to say it to you again. let's both try not to say it anymore'. it's great for them to see that we screw up too, and can improve our behavior!

[spirit4ever]

My ds does the exact same thing, he's got a horrible mouth! I find it extremely embarrassing when he talks like that to others...

So far I haven't found anything that works, but I should try the word alternative!

[AllisonR]

I think this is normal and part of their developing speech and learning about themselves and boundaries and how to test them. And that rules are different in your house than in other places. Which is also OK.

"You stupid mommy (sister, daddy, whomever) " is very popular with 3-5 yo kids here. Nearly 4 yo DS started saying this, and 22 mo DD has since picked it up. I don't like it, I explain that things can be stupid, if that is his opinion about said thing, but that saying people are stupid only hurts their feelings. He still says it occasionally, but it isn't the end of the world.

The potty stuff is totally normal, imo. DS told my good friend last week, that he had made a big poo-poo come out of his penis. We had a good laugh. He wasn't trying to offend or shock anyone. He is learning about language, and his body, and not quite sure how it all works yet.

about "Until he gets a response." Well, don't respond. At all. Really ignore. When DS was 3, a firework was shot on the ground coming towards our window as DS and I watched. If I had two brains, I would have ducked. Instead I said "Holy F***ing Sh*t, it's coming right at us." For days he kept saying "Holy F***ing Sh*t" - over and over, louder, in my face... I really ignored and as there was no confirmation to his speech, and since no one repeated it, it warped into other words, then into meaningless sounds, into him giving up and forgetting it.

If your DC is beyond the age of ignoring, then explain why it isn't appropriate and move on. If you make a really big deal out of it, I think your DC will internalize it much more than if you explain and then move on.

[peaceful_mama]

P-O seems to have fortunately been forgotten again!

We have moved and with the changes that are reducing stress in my life, S-U is a word rapidly disappearing from *my* vocab, which seems to be taking it out of theirs.

(for example, I no longer have to spend my mornings trying to keep 2 young children quiet while dad is trying to sleep because daddy gets off work late b/c DS got to transfer to morning preschool. We also have much more outside space/time.)

FWIW I did try telling ds NOBODY should use that word...including the adults...it is starting to take effect. The only time i hear that word now is occasionally when someone is starting to get bored and loud in the back of the car...usually it is S. directing it at Z who is now telling her that is a bad word.

it's s-l-o-w-l-y going away. And what is the lesson *I* have learned from all this?
To try to figure out what is going to change about the situation before it has disintegrated to the point that my children are learning words I don't want to hear again *from me*

[One_Girl]

I make a big effort to use alternative words that I would rather hear and usually dd just picks right up on it. If you are telling him you need to all work on not saying that word but then continue to say it he is probably going to just keep on saying the words you don't want to hear, but if he sees that you are really trying he may try with you.
I also tell dd that potty words embarass some people in public and it is best to say them in the car or in the house and I remind dd of when we are in public if she forgets.

[Purple Cat]

I've ran into this more than one time, generally with words I've inadvertently taught them. I actually was gleeful when my twins used an off-color phrase that I knew I had never used just because I felt less embarrassed.

We do several things. I usually say that those words offend people. Since I generally end up expressing frustration with a colorful phrase if I get upset enough, I talk to them about how it's okay to say it at home (like damn), but that they will get in big trouble if they say it at preschool or church. For more offensive words, especially when they keep saying it a lot, I tell them that it offends people, so they may say it by themselves or in their rooms, but that I don't want to hear it.

I also try to acknowledge that I should not have said the word myself.

Hope this helps . . .