socialisation issues with my 6yo ds

[mamanOiseau]

hi everybody,
dh and I are having a really challenging time with our hs'ed 6yo ds.

Let's start by saying that he absolutely does not want to go back to school - the option is there, and if his behavior doesn't get any better, well, let's just say I'm quite tempted.

He is asking for constant entertainment/fun/play. He doesn't want to be playing only with his sister and brother - he's actually pretty awful with them (hitting, swearing, fighting, etc). This is very different from last year, when he was totally inseparable from his sister. He also hits me a lot, and it's very difficult to deal with that in a constructive manner.

He tends to ask all day long when he will get to play with his schooled friends. Well, they only get home around 5pm, and they are not always available in the evenings.

He has a lot of activities planned, to satisfy his needs : sports (3 hours in a row, once a week), music (but I know he doesn't interact with buddies here), arts'n'crafts (3 hours in a row, once a month), swimming lessons every week. We try to get out a lot *because* he is such a high-energy/demanding child, but there can't be a homeschool park day every day around here - not enough homeschoolers !!

So, really, work itself is not an issue (he wakes up early, so his work gets done when his sister is still asleep, and it's only 1/2h to an hour every day - closer to 1/2h, though). General behavior is the issue, and the constant complaint "mommy I want to play with someone that's not family". During the month of August, he was able to play with his friends every day, so of course, it's a big difference...

He doesn't know how to read yet - if he could read stories to himself, that would help...

Sigh. Has this happened to any one else ? Is my only option to force school on him (I would guess not, but hs'ing should be fun for me, too, not a constant struggle).

thanks for reading

[LilyGrace]

Hmmm......it looks like he's having trouble transitioning into keeping himself occupied, right? Building kits help to pass the time here. We get the ones that are about $10, or the $5 clearance kits from Borders and he'll use that for 2-3 weeks for his morning hour of alone time.
This might help, too - http://www.readalongadventures.com/list.htm It's a page of the old read-alongs we had as kids. With earphones he can sit at the computer and flip through/listen to the story.

I don't know how much you guys get out of the house, but it really helps, too. I hate doing it some days but my 9yo is doing the presidential fitness challenge this year so at least 3 days a week we go running so he can earn his points (20,000 by the end of the year). It sets the tone for the day and wears us both out for a while, leading to more quiet activities.
Science experiments take up a lot of time, too, whether you're right there or not. Grow a potato or do some Science Chef together, or just hand him a microscope and a bug catcher.

I'm guessing he hasn't been out of school that long, so he's still probably going through a transition period. Give it time. It'll even out.

[Ruthla]

Quite honestly, issues like this are the major reason I have DS enrolled in school right now, even though I'm not crazy about the way academics are presented to him. His homework is often more "structured learning time" than I would provide him if he were home full time. Plus I have fibromyalgia and I simply can't keep up with him- even if there WERE homeschool park days daily, we wouldn't go more than once a week (and I suspect your local homeschoolers wouldn't either.)

It sounds like you already have him in as many activities as you'll be able to schedule him for. He needs to learn to cope with less external stimulation and learn how to create his own. How long has school been back in session in your area? Maybe he's simply in transition from the summer and needs to establish new routines. Last summer he was in a very different place developmentally and the peer group was less important- so the loss of the peer group in September wasn't such a big deal.

I'd try to get as many things that he can play independently- maybe books on CD (ideally with the text as well so he can follow along as the machine reads to him) or on the computer, other computer games he can play by himself, puzzle books, etc. Plus try to establish ways he can play outside independently and blow off steam. Some games only work with 2 or more children while other games can be fun alone. He may need help (from you) learning how to play alone.

He also may simply need more attention from you. My household seems to fall apart when I don't give each child 1:1 attention regularly. It's been neglected this week (as we're adapting to HSing with 2 kids instead of just one) and I ended up having that 1:1 time with DD2 from 12:30 until 2:30 AM- when both of us should have been in bed! I think you can safely leave the 8yo "in charge" of the 3yo for half an hour while you give your 6yo some focused attention.

[Lillian J]

I can really understand his wanting to play with someone other than family and his feelng frustrated to feel isolated from that possiblity - it's only natural, especially after having that available through the summer. And 6 can be a tough age in and of itself...

Have you joined a local support group? That's a good source of potential playmates for the whole family - I don't know what we would have done without ours. Outside activities are nice, but they don't necessarily allow for or promote play among the participants - whereas a support group can. My son was more self-contained at that age, and enjoyed more time alone than the average child - but that changed as he grew older. I found that those of us who kept up the effort to get out and make connections for our children were able to keep them happy with homeschooling, whereas those who didn't feel that was important usually ended up having to put them back in school. It's not as if we always enjoyed one another's company in the support group get-togethers, and there were definitely frustrations and ups and downs - but it's just part of the territory you need to navigate if you're going to have your child out of school. Even having occasional potlucks at your home for some compatible homeschoolers is a big help - anything you can do to bring your child closer to social possibilities...

Here are good lists of support groups.

Best of luck! Lillian

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

He also may simply need more attention from you. My household seems to fall apart when I don't give each child 1:1 attention regularly.

Being the mom of an "only," this is something I've been able to see with other families who are so busy that things like this are not always so easy to notice. Not having any experience trying to juggle attention among multiple children, it's not as if I'm any kind of an expert on how to manage it - I just know that I've been able to see - and my son has occasionally commented on - problems that came up with friends of his due to frustrations of that kind. - Lillian

[Ruthla]

Oh, I just thought of something else- could you arrange playdates with other HSed kids that you know from the local group or classes you attend? Maybe you can't set up a large "homeschool park day" but having a single friend over, or going to a friend's house, might help keep him from feeling so lonely.

[mamanOiseau]

thank you everybody for all your answers.

LilyGrace - he's been out of school for more than 2 years now. I checked out the link, now I have to see if I can get it to work on this computer

Ruthla - school started 2 weeks ago, but ds's activites have been picking up slowly. For the 1:1 time, we try, for instance last week-end he went out with dh for a bike ride and hot cocoa. He always behaves beautifully on those 1:1 outings, but it's true that with 3 kids, and with his younger brother being shy and clingy, they don't come as often as they should.

Lillian - yes we belong to a support group, but there were no activities over the summer. Things should be picking up, though. However, most of the activities are of the 'educational' type, not just the 'play and have fun with mates' type - the latter are likely to be organised by myself, and shunned by many (many younger and quiet girls being hs'ed around here...). My best buddy for organising these just-play get-togethers just had her third baby, so we haven't been seeing them at all in the past 2 months.

Actually, when you put all this together - the activities that have been slow to start up, my buddy unavailable for playdates, infrequent 1:1 outings, and being an active and healthy 6yo, no wonder we've been having behavioral problems...

Thanks for helping me think this through !

[LauraN]

Originally Posted by mamanOiseau

My best buddy for organising these just-play get-togethers just had her third baby, so we haven't been seeing them at all in the past 2 months.

Would your friend be interested in letting you bring her older child to your house for a while a few times a week? Or have sleep-overs? Maybe even both her older ones? She might welcome the time with her newborn.

Also, I don't know the ages of your other kids, but is it at all feasible to do more outside activities or field trips? That wouldn't be possible for me, with a soon-to-be toddler, but I know my 6 yr-old would love it if we could.

[Needle in the Hay]

Hey Maman Oiseau, I just wanted to let you know that 6 yo seems to be notorious for this kind of behavior. There have been a lot of threads here and elsewhere about it! Have you checked out The Explosive Child? There are some good ideas in there and do know that it will likely get better!! My DS' behavior has been steadily improving. 6 can be a hard age for a certain type of kid. I don't think school, esp. 9-5 school like you've got there is going to be very helpful. That reminds me-- do none of the neighbor kids come home for the 2 hr lunch? If so maybe one of his buddies could come over for lunch some days.

I know what you mean about the outings, we homeschoolers are spread out where we live so it's not like we're getting together every week or anything. Thank goodness for Wednesdays, huh? At least I can count on one day when the playgrounds/playspaces, etc will have other kids there!

[mamanOiseau]

oh, neat, more answers

LauraN - sleepovers are out of the question for this particular friend, as she is very protective of her children. I really hope we'll be seeing more of her soon, though.

Needle In The Hay - I don't know The Explosive Child (why does this sound so much like ds ), but I willl look into it. Unluckily, none of the neighbors come home for lunch - that'd be nice, though. And yes, thank goodness for Wednesdays . That's when ds gets his 3-hour stretch of sports and play with other kids - it's great ! Tomorrow, weather permitting, we'll be getting together with other hsers for the Jipli - well, that would be IFED (International Freedom in Education Day). That should be a nice opportunity for play.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by mamanOiseau

Let's start by saying that he absolutely does not want to go back to school - the option is there, and if his behavior doesn't get any better, well, let's just say I'm quite tempted.

I think that putting your 6 y o in school would only make his behavior worse. BTDT. My DD was in kindgarten last year and would come home absolutely ill every day, tired, worn out from the stress of competing with 21 other 5/6 yr olds and being pushed around by some and liked by others, etc. The stress was just tearing her up. I too was very tempted to just keep her in school again this year because of her bad behavior once she got home. I didn't want to deal with it. We received the brunt of it day after day!! It was pretty hard to even convince my DH (who is very pro-HS) that we needed to keep her home and HS her this year. But I knew that wasn't the answer. The school was a huge reason why she was the way she was. Plus, she had gone to preschool for a few years before that. She'd never had the chance to stay home with me all day for a long period of time. So it has taken some getting used to.

We have good days and we have bad days but the good are taking over at this point. Our DD was able to be home all summer and that helped somewhat. I realize there are going to be disagreements and the kids will not always get along perfectly, being together 24/7. But I know when we are headed towards meltdowns and how to try and prevent them or avoid them since I'm around my 6 y o all day and can read her cues.

When I notice my DD's behavior is bad because she is just being selfish or acting out of being tired or hungry then I nip it in the bud as soon as I can. I also make sure she eats healthier meals and snacks, doesn't get the chance to get overly hungry when we are out and about running around (which HS'ers do a lot) and I make sure she naps if she is tired or has some downtime with a movie in a dark room to rest if needed. I've learned to read her cues.

I also give my older children more time alone and let her know I expect her to give them their time to do their own thing each day. It's really working well. I can't imagine how she would be had I actually put her back in school again this year. ugh. She went to a couple of summer camps this past summer and came home crabby and hard to deal with just like she used to when she was in school. So I knew that was definitely the main reason she was that way to begin with.

Does your child watch t.v. or get on the computer much? Sometimes those things can make a child tired and cranky. I'd limit those things per day. My kids like online software and learning games but that tends to make my 6 y o very cranky and bossy if she spends too much time doing them.

Oh and going outdoors a few times per day can do wonders. Make sure to have water available.
My 6 y o gets cranky when she gets sweaty and thirsty.

Sorry to ramble. I hope it gets better for you.

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by mamanOiseau

Tomorrow, weather permitting, we'll be getting together with other hsers for the Jipli - well, that would be IFED (International Freedom in Education Day). That should be a nice opportunity for play.

Yay, it's really catching on this year! We're going to a park gathering on Monday for it.

[Roar]

My suggestion would be to put more structure and routine into your day. It sounds like he needs more to do and possibly more exercise. I'd suggest starting the day with a walk or yoga. During this time he can be engaged with you on an activity and he can get needed exercise. I would also suggest half an hour may not be enough school work if he's feeling bored and at a loss for something to do. How about more work and how about work he can do and be engaged with you? Peggy Kaye's books like Games for Math, etc. books are really good. Also, I'm wondering how much work he does around the house. There is a lot he can do to be engaged with you while also accomplishing something - laundry, cooking, etc.

Also, he's old enough for drop off playdates. I would try to identify homeschoolers who are interested in regularly trading off kids for the afternoon. One or two playdates a week and he might be a different kid.